24

Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:

1. What is the plot?

2. There are writers?

3. How much do they make?

4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending  that sets us up for next season?

5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?

6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.

These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.

The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m." 

Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.

Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.

UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?

UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!

UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.

UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.

UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.

UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.

UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?

UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.

UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.

UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.

UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?

UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!

UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.

UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!

UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!

UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.

UPDATE: This is sure to go well.

UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.

UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.

UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.

UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.

UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.

UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.

UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!

UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.

UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?

UPDATE: One more hour, people.

UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.

UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!

UPDATE: And that they're confederates!

UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.

UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...

UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.

UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.

UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.

UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.

UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?

UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!

UPDATE: Shooting. Good.

UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!

UPDATE: Boom! Yay!

UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!

UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.

UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.

UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.

UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.

UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.

UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?

UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.

UPDATE: Sigh.

Comments

[Suzy Q]

Can we bring back the Circuit Board of Doom...or, how about the suitnukes? rather than Awdrey? Pleeeze?

[Ryan]

Suzy, you'll get no argument from me. Just thought I'd state the obvious.

[Aaronak]

Hail President Allstate!

I predict Cheng kills Bill for the end of season shocker, but that's just a guess.

[MIke Harmon]

It's soooo obious. The old man slipped into the boat and is headed for the Chinese submarine.

[CJrun]

For anyone interested in blade designs for turbines and rotors, the noisy thing, I hope you have seen the WhalePower stuff....

[Suzy Q]

Hi, homey's girlfriend. I noticed you joined us tonight. Hope someone passed you a margarita!

[Ryan]

Suzy, you'll get no argument from me. Just thought I'd state the obvious.

[WizzyPigabeth]

Day Zero? Does this mean the Delightfully Evil Nina Myers can come back? Along with My Tony? PLEASE??

[Wes S.]

Tom is STILL a weasel.

And why didn't they just sink that damn Chinese sub?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

No! Not more Chinese subplot for next year!

[glow]

Words of doom: We'll leave that for another day....

[Cat R.]

Since I really should earn my keep around here.

Just in case you all don't get a decent cliffhanger tonight,
here's one for you.

[Siouxie]

Oh??? there was a nuke in California?? hu nu??

[judi]

chloe's pregnant?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

What about the fragile faith we viewers have in the writers of this show? What do WE get?

[Suzy Q]

You know how it is with Chinese, THC. 24 hours later, you're hungry again.

[WizzyPigabeth]

I'm expecting Darth to actually CHUCKLE next.

GOOOD LORD, the writers couldn't even keep HIM intact!

[insomniac]

"all right, Tom, first let's have some purple kool-aid"

[WoosterGirl]

Suzy, is that a hint?

*grins, passes homey's lady a Wooster margarita*

[danceswithvowels]

Weasel just punkd the Veep!

[Gretchen]

I'd rather have more Chinese subplot than Awdrey. Although, they seem to come together.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

Wes, Jack is just about to go get on that sub...unfinished business

[Wes S.]

Morris' shoulder sure healed up fast, didn't it?

[WoosterGirl]

Chloe's preggers!

Who called it?

[homey's wonderful girlfriend]

hehe ... thanks suzy but i did not get a margarita .... its been a long night though haha ...

hehe yay pregnant ... we were all right

yes with a child duh!

[Siouxie]

simul w/ judi!

yes she is!!

[MJ]

Yeah, she's preggo.

[Aaronak]

WE CALLED IT! (Dave called it.)

[mm]

dayam i was right!!!

[Suzy Q]

Here it comes: She's...she's...SPILL IT, Chloe!

Ok, DD, get the party favors together.

Although...do we REALLY know who the baby daddy is?

[MaryContrary]

I have to tip my hat to Tom and say that he's one of the most believable White House weasels to date.

OH NO! IT'S TRUE. CHLOE'S PREGGERS!

(yay, Chloe. You'll make a mom for all to admire.)

[ChuckE]

I sure hope Chloe isn't completely dull again next year. Motherhood may bring back the crazy.

[danceswithvowels]

With a child? No, with a protocol. Duh!

[MJ]

"I'm pregnant." "Like, with a child?"

BEST. LINE. EVER.

[WizzyPigabeth]

I CALLED IT FIRST!

I CALLED IT!!!

I CALLED IT FIRST!!!

WITH A CHILD? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION Is THAT?

No, she's pregnant with the missing component! It was in Chloe's womb all along!

DUH!

[steve-o]

Karen: One question, do I have to be on this show again?

[glow]

Awww...a nice moment on 24. So when do we get back to tragic mayhem? I have a BAD feeling about Bill Buchanan.

[homeybeef]

yay for ittle chloe

[Siouxie]

Not only that, Dave...she'll be upchucking pretty soon!

[DeskDiva]

Wooster? I've asked TWICE for a margarita. :-( *pouts*

[insomniac]

"good-bye, karen, don't let the perimeter hit you on the way out."

[WizzyPigabeth]

WIZZY CALLED IT FIRST.

Just so everyone knows.

[Suzy Q]

A pregnany, hormonal Chloe can only be a good thing. Give her a gun, and she'll be all set!

[MJ]

Jack should be a Godparent.

"DAMNIT FATHER, TELL ME WHERE THE BAPTISM CANDLES ARE, NOW!"

[Aaronak]

NO! Don't go to Audrey's house!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

DOS COJONES!!!!!!

[steve-o]

Nooooooo....not Awdrey!

[WoosterGirl]

Shoot. Awdrey's pop...which means Awdrey isn't far behind. Or Jack.

[Gretchen]

*hands Deskdiva a margarita* Here! This one's fresh.

[steve-o]

Then again, when you're ensorceled, well... (see haiku above)

[MJ]

Oh shi.....

[WizzyPigabeth]

Jack was beamed over by Scottie!

Jack is STILL WET! Where the heck is that place?

[judi]

24: the land of the completely unnatural smile

[CJrun]

NNNNoooOooO!! Don't go after herrrrrr!

Sh!t! Too late....

[Aaronak]

D A M N I T

[Suzy Q]

I second the Wizzy called it first, because I already said it WAY up there somewhere.

Ooo...Jack's gettin' all testy! And sweaty!

[MJ]

Oh shi.....

[tropichunt.com guy™]

How dare he? He's been watching the show!

[MJ]

Jack has officially lost his mind.

[glow]

NOW he holds a grudge about China?! Sigh...ten minutes of whining coming up.

[Wes S.]

So JACK has now cracked up? Or is Heller a traitor? WTF?

[Aaronak]

Oh, I see. He blames Devane more than Cheng for the whole tortured-in-China thing.

[WoosterGirl]

Uh-oh. Jack's getting whiney.

He and Awdrey deserve each other.

[WizzyPigabeth]

Thanks Suzy.

This is a great scene with Jack and Bored Heller.

[Suzy Q]

Jack: "blah, blah, blah...whatever, blah, blah blah...China, blah,blah, blah"

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yeah, you don't know Jack!

[DeskDiva]

October it is! Anyone want to go in on a gift for the little prodigy?

[Kathybear]

He's got more than Audrey, doesn't he? If not, I'll volunteer...

[Gretchen]

Boooooooooooooooriiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg!

[MaryContrary]

Note to writers: PEOPLE DON'T LIKE AWDREY!!! STOP BRINGING HER BACK !!!!

William Devane rocks. though . . .

[Dr. Rickenstien]

*wow*

[Suzy Q]

OMG, entire FORESTS are coming out of these people's mouths. Make it stop!

[slyeyes]

"Like your wife did."

ooooooooooooooooooh, low blow.

[WoosterGirl]

Snoooooooooore.

[glow]

Arrghhhh! Awwwdrey coming up! Everyone cover your eyes!

[Wes S.]

No! Please! Don't wake her up! Just let sleeping dogs lie!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Pull the plug, Jack! Put something in her IV! PLEASE!

[Cat R.]

Good one, Diva!

Here'$ my contribution!

[DeskDiva]

Thanks, Gretchen. :-) At least SOMEBODY pays attention to me.

I'm ignoring WimpyJack now.

[WoosterGirl]

Gretchen, Suzy, another round?

Before I die of boredom.

[glow]

So he turns his back from Heller, who should just SHOOT Jack right now. End the misery.

[Suzy Q]

Maybe Jack went there to shoot Awdrey.

Oh, I can hope,can't I?

[slyeyes]

Ain't it convenient that the helo's route was on the way to where Audrey is?

[Gretchen]

I WANNA SEE STEWART!!!!! C'mon people - what about the female fans? I coulda watched Heroes with REALLY REALLY HOT Indian guy.

[WizzyPigabeth]

oman how can they CONTINUE to ruin it with this drivel?

[steve-o]

Suddenly those lectures on national security in the White House basement seem really interesting

[Aaronak]

yes... Yes... YES!!!

[TandCinKC]

Is it just me, or does Audrey look like a beaver?

[Dr. Rickenstien]

Ladies...Jack is back on the market

[judi]

is she dead or WHAT? why isn't she opening her eyes?

[Valerie]

God the writing is still horrible.

[insomniac]

jack, there's pillows handy! (hint, hint!)

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Y'know, this is Awwwdrey's best episode yet...no talking...no crying...

[Suzy Q]

*snork* at Wes.

*accepts another drink, because why the hell not?*

[danceswithvowels]

Oooh, you're wet. And you smell like Gredenko.

[WizzyPigabeth]

SOMEONE SHOOT THE WRITERS
SOMEONE SHOOT ME!
SOMEONE, SHOOT SOMETHING!

[TandCinKC]

AND I-EE-I WILL ALWAYS LUV EWE EW EW EW EW EWEW

[DeskDiva]

Wooster? Hath I offended thee?

(Oh, thank God. I thought we were gonna have a Sleeping Beauty moment there.)

[WoosterGirl]

Y'know, not to bring up more dreaded characters, but shouldn't Jack be more concerned about his daughter?

I mean, being a dad and all. This is only his comatose girlfriend.

[ChuckE]

Wow, I actually almost dozed off right there, no kidding. Nice riproaring finish to this season, guys.