24

Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:

1. What is the plot?

2. There are writers?

3. How much do they make?

4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending  that sets us up for next season?

5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?

6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.

These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.

The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m." 

Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.

Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.

UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?

UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!

UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.

UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.

UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.

UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.

UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?

UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.

UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.

UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.

UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?

UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!

UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.

UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!

UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!

UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.

UPDATE: This is sure to go well.

UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.

UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.

UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.

UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.

UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.

UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.

UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!

UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.

UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?

UPDATE: One more hour, people.

UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.

UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!

UPDATE: And that they're confederates!

UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.

UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...

UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.

UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.

UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.

UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.

UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?

UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!

UPDATE: Shooting. Good.

UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!

UPDATE: Boom! Yay!

UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!

UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.

UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.

UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.

UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.

UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.

UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?

UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.

UPDATE: Sigh.

Comments

[Bethie]

Would they really have the component there? Yes. Yes, they would.

[WizzyPigabeth]

Spiderman 3 was great too. But I'm just living to be "commandeered" by Captian Jack. Bauer or Sparrow, I care not which.

President Subaru: I wish you luck, President Darth, succeed, or we will kill you.

We don't need your authorization, Nadia. When has Jack EVER requested ANYONE's authorization? Who the heck died and left you boss??!!!

[DeskDiva]

And why not, Wooster? I actually thought of that yesterday!! :-) All we need is a little wireless....

*adds self to Bethie's pirate-screwing list. twice.*

[slyeyes]

Would someone getting ready for a suicide mission really care about getting authorization?

[Gretchen]

So - where's this Stewart guy? That is one tasty margarita! *smacks lips loudly*

[Bob Calvin]

What's the proper amount to drink for a five mile perimeter?

[mm]

first lesson treason

[homeybeef]

the jets are stil moving faster than that bomb in season 4

[KJP]

I suddenly get a bad feeling about Bill...

[Travis]

Someone shot the subtitles guy

[Suzy Q]

OMG, sly, you're gonna get all technical?

[Bethie]

Okay anyone want to guess that there is some kind of component in one of Josh's body cavities that they want?

[steve-o]

That's the best lighted oil platform I've ever seen

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Y'know, my company has the same speaker phone that the Vice President has. I think, tomorrow, I'll make a conference call and try to make as many wrong/bad decisions as he makes...

[WoosterGirl]

Yay!!!

Shooting!!!!

[MJ]

Bill had better not friggin die!!

[Wes S.]

Yeah, right, let's make the approach to the oil rig right through the part of the ocean that is illuminated by the spotlights on the rig. Smart.

[glow]

The helicopter beat the jet fighters? Of course, Jack Bauer is flying it with his balls.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oooh! I like fried Chinese!

[homeys wonderful girlfriend]

meh ..... the pirates movies do nothing for me ... its just my own opinions

[Suzy Q]

Ka-BOOM! FINALLY!

And shooting! Be still, my heart! We've waited one hour and 49 minutes for this.

[DeskDiva]

FINALLY SOME SHOOTING!!!!!!!!!!!

And they CUT IT OFF for a COMMERCIAL???????

[Dustin]

Suvarov Borat!

"I wish you luck. If you are not success, you will be execute!"

[mm]

when CTU does the right thing, it's a plot twist

[WoosterGirl]

Bob, just drink all of it. That's what the rest of us do.

[Momanon]

As weak as the plot has been this season, the b@da$$ness of Jack has been off the scale! He's a one man army!

[steve-o]

most well lit is what I meant..

[Cat R.]

I don't watch the show. I just like coming here when everybody's here.

You're such a fun group!

[DeskDiva]

*SNORK* @ bethie - I thought of that, too. :)

[WizzyPigabeth]

suzy, we've waited 22 hours and 49 minutes for this!!!

Why the heck didn't he KILL THREE HUMMERS!!!

You're too late, Mistah Bow-ah!!! ha ha ha

[philintexas]

cool. Jack gets to torture the Chinese guy in the chopper..payback

[WoosterGirl]

Thanks, Cat!

Alcohol helps.

*Hands Cat Yummy Wooster Margarita*

[homeys wonderful girlfriend]

haha its been a while since we are all here ... its just too much effort for the like 20 of us haha

[Aaronak]

New York getting its own Jack Bauer?

[CJrun]

Just for ridiculous fun, I will point out that 'decommissioned' means a drilling platform with no more explodey things. So gunfire shouldn't be making things go 'boom'. Oh, nevermind....

[Suzy Q]

Ok, in Miami, on a commercial, I swear they just told us that Mia Farrow is the most reliable weatherperson for hurricane information.

[Zach Bauer]

Bill is getting kind of a Richard Walsh type of vibe now...

[Cat R.]

Thanks, WoosterGirl!

[Bethie]

The family dynamics going on here are Dr. Phil worthy.

[DeskDiva]

Thanks, Cat!!

Hey, Wooster - I asked for one ten minutes ago and I didn't get one! *pouts*

Almost missed the end of the commercial. I was busy checking my calendar for baby shower dates. How's July 25 for everyone?

[Gretchen]

Wow - grandpa really sucks. My grandpa read me stories and gave me candy.

[danceswithvowels]

I want to see Captain Jack vs. Ninjas

[Aaronak]

The Death Star will be in range in 4 minutes...

[Brad]

New on Fox so you think you can write a plot

[ChuckE]

JOSH IS A BAUER (THE GOOD KIND) AFTER ALL!!

[CJrun]

SHOOT HIMMMMMMM!!!!

[MJ]

I CALLED IT!!!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Don't let your emotions control you...you mean, be logical, right? Yeah, well, that's something the writers haven't done all season...

[WizzyPigabeth]

Ooooo, Josh!! Are you Jack's son for real? SHOOT HIM!! SHOOT HIM!!!

[mm]

s'ok CJ we appreciate the effort

[Bethie]

And welcome to CTU, Josh.

[Wes S.]

OH YEAH JOSH!

[glow]

Josh! Good boy!

[Gretchen]

That is DEFINITELY Jack's kid.

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Hour one is done! Gonna post after it gets proofread, shortly after the second hour is over.

[Suzy Q]

DD, can't we do it in, like, October when the weather's cooler?

[DeskDiva]

They FINALLY DESCENDED, Baby Boy!!! You GO, JOSH!!!

[WoosterGirl]

"Trust me," says Jack.

Everyone drink!!

[steve-o]

That's right Josh, leave that pain to the writers.

[WizzyPigabeth]

Listen to Jack!! Talking about taking someone else's life???!!! Kill Hoggett!! Kill Hoggett!! Kill Hoggett!

NOW NOW NOW

[Bethie]

Jack, your dad makes an excellent point.

[Cat R.]

**Drinking**

Hey, this IS fun!

[glow]

GET THE COMPONENT! Geez.

[Suzy Q]

*BIGSNORK* At DeskDiva!

[ChuckE]

I thought Philip might confess to killing his other son there--guess that secret will die with him.

[Suzy Q]

Engage already!

Oh, wait. We have to save Jack first. On Level 3!

Run, Forrest, run!

[Aaronak]

Jack gets to jump from an exploding platform! Fun!

[Bethie]

Did they just say, "Fok one, fok two"? That's what is sounded like.

[Gretchen]

Cooooooooooooooooollllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[glow]

Whoa! Josh likes this stuff.

[MJ]

Big exploding mess. Just like this whole season.

[WoosterGirl]

Jack's must be feeling rather warm in his tuckus.

[Ryan]

Great. That'll push gas prices up again.

[Aaronak]

Cheng's not dead yet. He'll probably still do something evil.

[WizzyPigabeth]

*Take it out*

Darth is so SEXY when he talks destruction.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I bet the Russians will know about the copter...

[MJ]

Big exploding mess. Just like this whole season.

[Wes S.]

...Nice light show. Except Jack didn't get the component...and he left Philip alive right next to a boat.

Well...that's Season Seven's plot right there...

[Suzy Q]

Did he just say that the Hakuna Matata has been eliminated?

[WizzyPigabeth]

DOes this mean I don't need to listen to Subaru's disgusting voice anymore? Please???

[Bethie]

Now they are bestest friends! World peace at last!

[Ryan]

Half hour left. This is going to be more padded than the Victoria's Secret bra.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

No...NO...Jack's going after AWWWDREY! NOOOOOOOOO!

[Suzy Q]

Buh bye, Jack.

Oh, as if.

He'll just wash up on the Lost island and save everyone there.

[glow]

Whoa, is that the JACK SATCHEL?????!

[Bethie]

HE's going to get Audrey. I hate to be the one to inform y'all.

[MJ]

The ManPurse liveth!

[WoosterGirl]

Oh Gawd. Jack's a fugitive from justice AGAIN?

Didn't they do this already?

[ChuckE]

You silly boy, Jack doesn't "fall." He strategically becomes horizontal.

[Wes S.]

And there goes Jack...on the lam again.

[Gretchen]

What just happened?

And can we push Josh out of the helicopter? He's annoying me again.

[KJP]

Now there's a hard sell: "Do you want MORE of this season, or will you become a cardmember?? HMMM????"

[Suzy Q]

Rayn, tell me: What HASN'T been padded this season?

JACKSACK LIVETH!

[WoosterGirl]

After Awdrey? WTF?

I'd rather them rehash the fugitive plot.

[MIke Harmon]

It's soooo obvious. The old man slipped into the boat and is headed for the Chinese submarine.

[MaryContrary]

Stuff blew up, and both presidents are happy. This must be one of those president things.

[homeys wonderful girlfriend]

i like the word liveth ... it sounds very cool when said correctly

[Brad]

are jack & audrey going to escape to nut farm?

[Dustin]

hahahaha

Best wishes to President Palmer. Not so much to that other one.

[steve-o]

President David didn't know how lucky he was, did he? He's still employed!