24

Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:

1. What is the plot?

2. There are writers?

3. How much do they make?

4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending  that sets us up for next season?

5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?

6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.

These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.

The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m." 

Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.

Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.

UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?

UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!

UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.

UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.

UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.

UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.

UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?

UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.

UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.

UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.

UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?

UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!

UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.

UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!

UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!

UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.

UPDATE: This is sure to go well.

UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.

UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.

UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.

UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.

UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.

UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.

UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!

UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.

UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?

UPDATE: One more hour, people.

UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.

UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!

UPDATE: And that they're confederates!

UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.

UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...

UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.

UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.

UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.

UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.

UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?

UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!

UPDATE: Shooting. Good.

UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!

UPDATE: Boom! Yay!

UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!

UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.

UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.

UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.

UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.

UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.

UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?

UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.

UPDATE: Sigh.

Comments

[KJP]

If TheAmazingSteve were writing this, of course, we'd come back from commercial with Chloe waking up right away and saying, "I've been working 23 hours straight, DUH! Get me some coffee already!"

[WoosterGirl]

*SNOOOOORK* at DeskDiva!!

[danceswithvowels]

Oh nozers, viewer discretion recap!

[WizzyPigabeth]

Please no reacap. Good lord, I'm trying to forget it and I don't need a reminder!!!!

[Suzy Q]

MORE Viewer Discretion? For what?

[DeskDiva]

YAY!! MORE VIEWER DISCRETION!!!

(Like we needed it the first time.... Sheesh.)

[Dustin]

WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED PREVIOUSLY, DAMMIT

[MaryContrary]

I have no more discretion than I had an hour ago. Less, actually, after the half-bottle of wine, hic!

[steve-o]

two episodes, two bottles!

[Bethie]

I'm gonna guess Chloe has type 2 diabetes. And do they really need to show the "previously" since it was just previous and all?

[glow]

I think they should have Maksim from Dancing With The Stars to work at CTU next season. Shirtless all the time, of course. I'd watch.

[steve-o]

It seems like only yesterday....

[Wes S.]

Recap? There wasn't anything TO recap...

[slyeyes]

Ummmm.....are the EDT and CDT broadcast times out of sync for this? Because 24 just started in St. Louis.

[philintexas]

she was poisoned by the creepy guy she hugged

[Suzy Q]

...that we all had lives, free of the crack addiction that is 24.

[Dustin]

hahahah, so it's going to come down to Audrey's dad to save the day, isn't it?

[MaryContrary]

I should have prepared better, Steve-O. Too bad there's not a wine home delivery service around here.

[Bethie]

Thirty minutes! Jack has half the show to save his son!

[homeybeef]

Audrey is in this one. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

President-to-Be "Dos COjones Largos" was in the credits! WOOHOO!

[DeskDiva]

Woohoo!! A double bot-snork from Wooster!

"You'll thank me for it!"

"You'll do as your told!"

Dear LORD! The WDG has warped back into the 1970s - and it's channeling my father!!

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[Wes S.]

Oh God, and Awwwdrey will be in the final episode. Gag. Maybe I'd better lock up my liquor and guns until this is finally over...

[KJP]

Dang, I was actually close re: Chloe.

[ChuckE]

Uh-oh. CTU Medical. I hope Chloe has an updated will.

[WizzyPigabeth]

Okay, if she's dehydrated, how come they don't have her hooked up to an IV? Oh yeah, this is CTU medical, where they prefer to send people out in body bags...

[steve-o]

Too bad Chloe didn't take a little nap during the last hour like we did!

[WoosterGirl]

Oh great. Now they're going to kiss and make up.

*bleah*

[Suzy Q]

NOOOOOOOOOO! Chloe CAN'T be in the hands of CTU Medical!! They'll kill her! And her unborn spawn!

[danceswithvowels]

Sorry, slyeyes, we're on track here in Chicagoland.

[MJ]

Chloe pregant? Because we all want another baby subplot!

[Dr. Rickenstien]

*Jack is right...repeat...Jack is right* doesn't CTU have a manual that explains that Jack is ALWAYS right?

[Suzy Q]

Could...do ya think...could EDGAR be the father of Chloe's baby?

Oh wait. He died 18 months ago. Allegedly.

[DeskDiva]

*SNORK* @ THC's vowel correction. :)

President-to-Be "Dos COjones Largos"

[MaryContrary]

I think our girl Chloe is fakin' it. Don't let us down, Chloe! You're our only hope!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I bet Chloe's pregnant...(if no one else has said it yet)

[steve-o]

Suddenly we care about civilians?

[DeskDiva]

Suzy: Ew.

Dances: Where in Chi-town?

[MJ]

The only thing that's been consistantly good this season is the music. Sean Callery rules!

[WoosterGirl]

Suzy, baby killer whales have a 3-year gestation period.

So it could be Edgar's kid.

[Suzy Q]

I repeat, Nadia. You are late for your centerfold shoot! Vamos!

[steve-o]

Less than 30 minutes...well, 49 to be exact..

[WizzyPigabeth]

SUZY YES!!! EDGAR LIVES!!! YES YES YES!!! I LOVE IT!

Did dave say Edgar is still dead this episode????

EDGAR LIVES!!

[Wes S.]

Ok, they blow up the oil rig, and either the component will be burned up or "rendered useless" by the salt water. Problem solved.

Except for all that icky crude oil washing up on the Malibu beachfront, but you can't have everything.

[Travis]

12 hours ago President Boothe was ready to nuke Jihadistan, now he's worried about blowing up an oil platform because of Josh

[steve-o]

Jack: I'm going to do it because he's being written off as some kind of whining, foot dragging, acceptable loss!

[homeybeef]

awwwww, we're gonna miss you bill

[MJ]

"Jack don't even think about it!" Bill has apparently gotten amnesia these past few hours...

[WoosterGirl]

Bill: "I don't want to live with this one, either."

Bill's toast.

[DeskDiva]

Wooster: EWEWEWEEWEWEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Andy: A tie for the best EVER intro!! And *SNORK* @ the ABC reference. :) Two thumbs up!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Fly, Bill, fly! FLY LIKE THE WIND!

JACKSACK™!

[MaryContrary]

Didn't Chloe sit up? That means she's fakin' it. Please, Chloe, don't let us down! You're our only hope!

[Aaronak]

If they had any intelligence, they wouldn't tell Jack anything until it was all over.

Also, I'm getting seriously worried about Bill's chances of living through the episode. If he's going to retire anyway, the "writers" are likely to want to let him go out with a *bang*.

[mm]

finally the prospect of action!!yaay!!

[WizzyPigabeth]

Oh yeah, edgar died three years ago. damn.

WOO HOO, GO BILL!! I knew I liked this guy!! Those mellow, mild mannered Clark Kent types....

COMANDEERING??? Jack's been listening to Jack Sparrow!

[Bethie]

Okay, would anybody at CTU ever trust Jack again? Of course they would.

[boingo2000]

Nadia completly expects Jack to comply with her orders for him to return to CTU... because she has been paying absolutley NO attention during the last 23 hours.

[Suzy Q]

*snork* at WoosterGirl.

I say, Why not? to a child of Edgar the Great?

[Dustin]

Jack has sure killed his share of people, including CTU agents, as "acceptable losses" in his missions.

Kids are so spoiled these days.

[Gretchen]

Helloooo!! Just got home. Stupid gym trainer! And I missed the last two episodes. Stupid life!

Wha happen? Where's Awdrey? Did she die (she asked hopefully)?

Hi Suz! Hi WoosterGirl! *waves madly, raises kir royale in a toast*

[E-$$$]

Any one else think it was going to be "...not because he's my nephew. It's because he's my son," ???

[WoosterGirl]

PIRATES III!!!!

I am SO there at opening!!!!

[Dr. Rickenstien]

the copter pilot never noticed the guy who was just being held in custody grabbing lots of guns and stuff right in front of him? Right.....

[jesme]

McQueen!!

The Angriest Angel flies again!

[homeybeef]

chloe's health vs. blowing up josh

Which do we care about now

[Aaronak]

COMMERCIAL!!!!!

[glow]

Hey, maybe Captain Jack Sparrow can save the day....send the Kraken, I say.

[Bethie]

YEah E, I was expecting that too.

[justmy2]

Did Jack Bauer just state that Josh isn't an acceptable loss? After 5 years of giving up partners, directors, and everyone else unlucky enough to be in his line of sight....

This show has jumped the Jabberjaw...

[philintexas]

will there be swashbuckling on the rig? I want swashbuckling Jack

[Gretchen]

I missed two episodes and the first hour and I get botted on my first comment?!!???

That sucks!

[danceswithvowels]

Yes, Maria, you do pwn me!

[WoosterGirl]

Gretchen!! We have missed you, girlfriend!!

*Hands Gretchen a double margarita with very expensive tequila*

[DeskDiva]

YESSSS Wooster!!!! I already have a bunch of teenage friends I'm going with, dressing up and all. :)

[homeys wonderful girlfriend]

screw pirates ... spiderman was better

[Wes S.]

...And that must have been the Canon commercial Dave was talking about at the top of the thread.

*snork* That was funny.

[Suzy Q]

Gretcheeeeeen!

Welcome to the insanity. You have missed ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Seriously.

[Dustin]

IT'S STEWART'S BABY.

Didn't you all notice that long hug?

[jesme]

McQueen!!

The Angriest Angel flies again!

[KJP]

The Maria commercial had a bit too much dog in it, I think.

[E-$$$]

I just missed the amazing commericial because I was engrossed in the blog. THAT is not an acceptable loss

[WoosterGirl]

Gretchen, watch for Milo's looks-nothing-like-Milo brother Stewart.

DEFINITE eye candy. Suzy and I agree he should take his shirt off.

[glow]

Imminent attack! This is getting exciting!

[DeskDiva]

Hey, Wooster - if you've got a spare marg, I'll take one!

[Bethie]

I bet there are a lot of people who want to screw pirates. Mostly women and some men.

[MaryContrary]

I'd put my money on the Kraken. Two good tentacle-swipes is all it would take.

[homeys wonderful girlfriend]

wheres stewart ... i miss the locker stealthy boy

[WoosterGirl]

DeskDiva, too bad we can't blog during the movie!!

Now THAT would be worth writing about, not like this dreck.

[Gretchen]

Finally! Another hot guy who should be shirtless. It's ABOUT TIME!

[Wes S.]

Well...they might as well let President Subaru have a real-time CTU satellite uplink.

All the other enemies of America have them, after all...

[ChuckE]

I'm glad the Russians are busy monitoring foreign submarines off our coast, since no one in the U.S. government (on this show) has the sense God gave a ferret.

[Aaronak]

PERIMETER!

[steve-o]

drink!

[philintexas]

What? 10 miles off our coast? The Russians can see that tin fish and we can't.. Isn't San Diego 40 miles south?

[MaryContrary]

Suzy and WoosterGirl, I agree with your assessment. Time for some shameless pandering to the female viewers!

[slyeyes]

ok, figured it out. I got home late and was watching what had already been recorded on the DVR.

I'm in the 5:00 hour now; where they've already said "perimeter" and "Flanking position"

[steve-o]

drink!

[WoosterGirl]

The Kracken? At the oil rig?

Would be the most plausible element in this plot by far.

[Suzy Q]

Or, maybe it's Milo's baby and Stewart will marry Chloe to raise his brother's bastard child.

Is something else going on in this eposode? Are we still under imminent attack? I got kinda sidetracked, what with planning the baby shower for the unconfirmed pregnancy and all.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

where is Ben Cram? Who's in charge at CTU? Why do I keep asking questions? ARGHHHH!!!!