24
Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:
1. What is the plot?
2. There are writers?
3. How much do they make?
4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending that sets us up for next season?
5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?
6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.
These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.
The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m."
Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.
Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.
UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?
UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!
UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.
UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.
UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.
UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!
UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.
UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?
UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.
UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.
UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.
UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.
UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?
UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!
UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.
UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!
UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!
UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.
UPDATE: This is sure to go well.
UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.
UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.
UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.
UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.
UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.
UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.
UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!
UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.
UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?
UPDATE: One more hour, people.
UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!
UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.
UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!
UPDATE: And that they're confederates!
UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.
UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...
UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.
UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!
UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.
UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.
UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.
UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?
UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!
UPDATE: Shooting. Good.
UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!
UPDATE: Boom! Yay!
UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!
UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.
UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.
UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.
UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.
UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.
UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?
UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.
UPDATE: Sigh.
Download your 'Fins iPhone application
Dare we hope, Wizzy?
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:41 PM
Eggzackly, Woostergirl!
Wes, the bot's gettin' us all tonight. I needed a new drink anyway. Because this is probably the most boribng episode of the entire season. I am typing while allegedly the plot is progressing but somehow, I just don't feel like I'm really missing anything.
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 21, 2007 at 08:42 PM
Hmmm...this $12 Wolf Blass Cab seems a little high minded for this plot..
Posted by: steve-o | May 21, 2007 at 08:42 PM
"Go down hard"??
Posted by: Siouxie | May 21, 2007 at 08:42 PM
If I were Darth Boothe, I would be wondering why all the blonds in my life are turning against me.
Posted by: WoosterGirl | May 21, 2007 at 08:42 PM
who wants Darth back next season? Wooot wooot! I do!! I do!! Home and Handbag!! Yes! what a power team!!!
Posted by: WizzyPigabeth | May 21, 2007 at 08:42 PM
Ohhh...Darth is going to make sure Karen and Bill go down hard for getting Jack off.
He really is upset at not getting any from Lisa last episode, huh?
Posted by: Wes S. | May 21, 2007 at 08:43 PM
If the blood spilled in Russia gets on Karen...that's a mighty impressive display of blood spillage...across all those miles and all...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | May 21, 2007 at 08:43 PM
next year on Prison Break - Nr & Mrs Bill "big Pimp" Buchanen
Posted by: Brad | May 21, 2007 at 08:43 PM
Suzy - you could really have used the BoyToy tonight, eh? So is he gone for good now?
Uh oh - Chloe's a little flushed, there....
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:43 PM
Gredenko! I'm telling you the one-armed Ruskie is back.
Posted by: Dr. Rickenstien | May 21, 2007 at 08:43 PM
Ten atomic bombs later, and it's Josh Bauer that's the most important thing in the show. Grandpaw wants him for company overseas. Gah.
Posted by: glow | May 21, 2007 at 08:43 PM
"Once upon a moonlight dreary..."
How does that poem go? Cuz it describes this pathetic episode perfectly. Dark and dreary.
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 21, 2007 at 08:44 PM
Okay! NOW! Run Josh! Run!
Posted by: Bethie | May 21, 2007 at 08:44 PM
Ohhh...Darth is going to make sure Karen and Bill go down hard for getting Jack off.
He really is upset at not getting any from Lisa last episode, huh?
Posted by: Wes S. | May 21, 2007 at 08:44 PM
Ooooo Oooo a boat!! a boat!!! why is it dark there but the light is shining in the windows at CTU?
what the heck is this place?????
Posted by: WizzyPigabeth | May 21, 2007 at 08:44 PM
Suzy, I'm with you. Here.
*Hands Suzy a margarita mixed with a lot of very expensive tequila*
Posted by: WoosterGirl | May 21, 2007 at 08:44 PM
I hope they have something interesting for the next hour.....zzzzzzzzz
Posted by: mm | May 21, 2007 at 08:44 PM
Uh oh, poor blind Ricky Schroder...he went boom...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | May 21, 2007 at 08:45 PM
Exploding decoy. works every time.
Posted by: WizzyPigabeth | May 21, 2007 at 08:45 PM
Ouch. That had to hurt.
Posted by: Wes S. | May 21, 2007 at 08:45 PM
STupid boy. Okay just sit there and get captured.
Posted by: Bethie | May 21, 2007 at 08:45 PM
I guess Josh doesn't know how to jump overboard and swim, eh?
Posted by: glow | May 21, 2007 at 08:46 PM
GMTA, Suzy!
I was thinking of the song, "By the Light of the Silvery Moon" just now!
And by the way, what kind of "cover" is a friggin' plywood fence?!
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:46 PM
DD, I don't know if he's gone for good, but he's gone for now.
Did oemthing just explode?
*sips FABULOUS margarita courtesy of Woostergirl*
Was that a jetski?
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 21, 2007 at 08:46 PM
You mean they're not supposed to blow up like that?
Posted by: steve-o | May 21, 2007 at 08:46 PM
A fake component!? Unbelievable!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | May 21, 2007 at 08:46 PM
and they think the ocean will stop Jack? HAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!
Posted by: Dr. Rickenstien | May 21, 2007 at 08:46 PM
Finally, some action.
Posted by: MJ | May 21, 2007 at 08:46 PM
gee..Jack was right??? hu nu???
Posted by: Siouxie | May 21, 2007 at 08:47 PM
Have I just been seeing Nadia from her left side? Where did that ugly-@ss scar come from?
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:47 PM
next year on Prison Break - Nr & Mrs Bill "big Pimp" Buchanen
Posted by: Brad | May 21, 2007 at 08:47 PM
Aw, they're letting the supporting cast answer the phones now!
Posted by: Dustin | May 21, 2007 at 08:48 PM
This is SO in need of Marwan.
Posted by: jt | May 21, 2007 at 08:48 PM
Suzy, no, that was not a jetski!
*takes a big swig of faboo margarita*
*HIC*
It was a dolphin.
Posted by: WoosterGirl | May 21, 2007 at 08:48 PM
Ohmigod! JACK is in this episode? 'Bout time.
Could he...perhaps...dare I dream? SHOOT SOMETHING???
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 21, 2007 at 08:48 PM
seems to me like one little bullet in that boat would have been kind of a whoosh moment..but then I'm not a writer.
Posted by: steve-o | May 21, 2007 at 08:48 PM
Er, gash, not scar.
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:48 PM
It's up to Josh to make the next move, I think.
Posted by: Aaronak | May 21, 2007 at 08:48 PM
that was action?!?!
Posted by: mm | May 21, 2007 at 08:48 PM
Clearly, ManKim is not Jack's son as he listens to orders....
Posted by: CJrun | May 21, 2007 at 08:49 PM
Don't you wish your girlfriend was a beeeer!
Posted by: Bethie | May 21, 2007 at 08:49 PM
But I liked the Maxwell Smart moment--"The ol' exploding dummy circuit board trick!"
Posted by: jt | May 21, 2007 at 08:49 PM
Hm, CJ - you may be on to something there.
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:49 PM
no mm ...it was not ... no one is dead .. therefore no action
Posted by: homeys wonderful girlfriend | May 21, 2007 at 08:50 PM
Sigh. The fake component case isn't the only thing about this episode that blows...
Posted by: Wes S. | May 21, 2007 at 08:50 PM
could you west coast people please check the beach area?
Posted by: steve-o | May 21, 2007 at 08:50 PM
"Get ready to be blown away!" American Idol Finale, or 24 Finale?
Posted by: Aaronak | May 21, 2007 at 08:51 PM
Wes, teehee.
Posted by: WoosterGirl | May 21, 2007 at 08:51 PM
Anymore invasions of CTU today can ID the director of CTU by her scar. If anyone tries to take her place again, the attackers can just point out thet he or she is noscar..... .com!
Posted by: homeybeef | May 21, 2007 at 08:51 PM
The Weenie wants to get lucky with the VP. GET A ROOM!
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
We need Behrooz and ZombieTony. Immediately.
Posted by: MJ | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
my question for the season ... how is wayne? ....
Posted by: homeys wonderful girlfriend | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Oh please! Stupid writers! Men never admit to being wrong, especially when a woman is right! STupid plot this year!
Posted by: Bethie | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
NO NO, Darth! Don't get soft on us now!! I love your pure evilness!!!
Posted by: WizzyPigabeth | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Oh, so it's the chair's fault, then?
Posted by: glow | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Uh oh...Darth Boothe realizes his life is short if he stays President..
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Hey, maybe this'll inspire Cheney! ahem..I lost my head.
Posted by: steve-o | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Now playing at the Central Asian Theater: Invasion U.S.A.
Posted by: Wes S. | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
VP just described the feeling of people who go on Jeopardy!
Posted by: Dustin | May 21, 2007 at 08:52 PM
oh NOW Dark Boothe comes around..and with help from the WDG.
Posted by: Dr. Rickenstien | May 21, 2007 at 08:53 PM
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Tony........
*cries in her (root) beer*
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:53 PM
Mr. Vice President, you fight terrorists with the facts you have, not the facts you wish you had.
Posted by: danceswithvowels | May 21, 2007 at 08:53 PM
Jack is very forgiving of Nadia. That is good to see that these days.
Posted by: Bethie | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
Huh. Jack was right again!
Posted by: KDF | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
Jack: "I'm right, nyah-nyah-nyah"...now will you please let me go on a suicide mission like I originally wanted? I can die now, right?
Posted by: glow | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
Something is wrong with Chloe! (besides the usual stuff)
Posted by: MJ | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
"He didn't pick this location at random!"
Ya think?
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
WILD GUESS
CHLOE IS PREGNANT
Posted by: WizzyPigabeth | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
Chloe doesn't look so good, does she?
Posted by: Wes S. | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
White Huuse? Dave?? drinkin' much?
Posted by: Siouxie | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
why does chloe look like s*** bad
Posted by: Brad | May 21, 2007 at 08:54 PM
Is it me, or is the score sounding like Batman, the first movie?
Posted by: glow | May 21, 2007 at 08:55 PM
But the writers picked that location at random.
Posted by: Bethie | May 21, 2007 at 08:55 PM
Wait a minnit.
Boothe beats himself up because he didn't take Madame Haig's advice, and he immediately doesn't take The Biscuit's advice to NOT prosecute Madame Haig? Doesn't he realize that all the decisions he has made so far have been, like, really bad?
Posted by: WoosterGirl | May 21, 2007 at 08:55 PM
its the Death Star Oil Platform of Doom! Sweet!
Posted by: Dr. Rickenstien | May 21, 2007 at 08:55 PM
Ah, the soon-to-be-flaming-ball-of-oil rig platform....
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:55 PM
I sense a disturbance in the force...
Posted by: steve-o | May 21, 2007 at 08:55 PM
China is still my future.
Hubby and I are ROLF at that.
Posted by: WizzyPigabeth | May 21, 2007 at 08:55 PM
Glow, I just said that outloud to my friend!
Posted by: MJ | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
OMG, I was right! Chloe's been drugged!!!
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
Chloe is not OK.
Posted by: Aaronak | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
No...Chloe...can't see...straight...no...Chloe...NO!!!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
i was thinking the exact same thing wizzy! chloe pregnant seems likely
Posted by: homeys wonderful girlfriend | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
is chloe pregnant?
Posted by: mm | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
Well, of course she dropped. When was the last time the poor woman got a sandwich?
Posted by: KDF | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
"Yeah, I'm fine..."
Famous last words.
Posted by: Wes S. | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
Is it leftover nerve gas?
Posted by: danceswithvowels | May 21, 2007 at 08:56 PM
So who's going to win Dancing With The Stars?
Posted by: glow | May 21, 2007 at 08:57 PM
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!
Not Chloe!!!!
Why am I not surprised.
Posted by: WoosterGirl | May 21, 2007 at 08:57 PM
HOT COPS IN UNIFORM ON DEAL OR NO DEAL!
Posted by: MJ | May 21, 2007 at 08:57 PM
Oh, NO--THE BORING PLOT PROVED FATAL FOR CHLOE!!!
Posted by: jt | May 21, 2007 at 08:57 PM
Is is just me, or have we had more violence and action in the commercial breaks than in the actual episode?
Posted by: Wes S. | May 21, 2007 at 08:58 PM
Wizzy, that was my second guess. But you got it first!
But, heh heh, who's the Daddy?
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 21, 2007 at 08:58 PM
Great, the only way to get "It's Already Done" Morris to quit working is to do something to Chloe. Smart move.
Posted by: Dustin | May 21, 2007 at 08:59 PM
She was bludgeoned by the oak planks from the Wooden Dialogue Generator!!!
Posted by: DeskDiva | May 21, 2007 at 08:59 PM
Dancing With The Vowels
Posted by: danceswithvowels | May 21, 2007 at 08:59 PM
*snork* @ buoyant dialogue!
Posted by: CJrun | May 21, 2007 at 08:59 PM
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
THIS IS THE END...MY ONLY FRIEND, THE END.OF JACK'S ELABORATE PLANS, THE END.OF EVERYTHING THAT STANDS, THE END.NO SAFETY OR SURPRISE (FOR THIGHS), THE END.I'LL NEVER LOOK INTO JACK'S EYES...AGAIN...JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !
Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("Bringing you a fantastic hour of exciting TV right now...over on ABC!") and ChloeSack™ ("The makers of ChloeSack™ will not be held responsible for the content of this show. Unless it's good, in which case we'll take full credit.")
LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE! AGAIN!
This "24" intro was brought to you by the writers of "24". They would like to personally thank Dave Barry and The "Amazing Steve" for their excellent work this season. If it were not for their terrific work, the should would have been cancelled after the first episode this season. Their unbiased observations about the show have helped us craft this into the fine, perfect product that you see before you, with stellar acting and incredibly accurate plot development, the last of which, incidentally, was found on a discarded napkin with smeared ink in Mr. Barry's trash. Thank you Dave, thank you Steve, and please, we beg you...stop. We don't want to do this forever! Stop...or we'll send Jack after you next.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | May 21, 2007 at 09:00 PM
*SNOOOOORK* at DeskDiva!!
Posted by: WoosterGirl | May 21, 2007 at 09:00 PM