24

Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:

1. What is the plot?

2. There are writers?

3. How much do they make?

4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending  that sets us up for next season?

5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?

6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.

These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.

The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m." 

Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.

Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.

UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?

UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!

UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.

UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.

UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.

UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.

UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?

UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.

UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.

UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.

UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?

UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!

UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.

UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!

UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!

UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.

UPDATE: This is sure to go well.

UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.

UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.

UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.

UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.

UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.

UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.

UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!

UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.

UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?

UPDATE: One more hour, people.

UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.

UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!

UPDATE: And that they're confederates!

UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.

UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...

UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.

UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.

UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.

UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.

UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?

UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!

UPDATE: Shooting. Good.

UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!

UPDATE: Boom! Yay!

UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!

UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.

UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.

UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.

UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.

UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.

UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?

UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.

UPDATE: Sigh.

Comments

[Suzy Q]

Ford, I will definitely read your haikus after I recover from all this...excitement. Those haikus were the highlight of the last season. Condensed, petite and twisted.

[Bethie]

Where's the doggie, dang it?

[DeskDiva]

YES!!!! DEBRIEFING!!!!

Oh....geez. Really got my hopes up there, Rick. :-(

**SNORK** @ Wes

You, too, dances? Hee hee.

[jt]

Er, were those Chinese guys Jack's dad sent to get the boy?

If so, why don't they just kill Daddy and grab the circuit board?

Sorry to point this out, after a logically flawless season...

[Suzy Q]

Oo! An R72 socket! Chloe's talking dirty! Finally.

[Bethie]

Okay, if the component isn't real, they pretty much are screwed anyway right now. Duh.

[homeys wonderful girlfriend]

doyles trying to be jack ... its not fair

[DeskDiva]

Ooh! Chloe's gonna verify his circuitry. Kinky!

Hey! Is Mike another Jack? Is that possible?! Don't get my hopes up, people!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Don't retrieve him! Please! Let him go...

Oh, wait..that means Jack may go searching for him...and make things excrutiating for us...hmm...I have conflicting emotions on this...

[ChuckE]

Uh-oh. Doyle is getting all restless and Jackian now.

[WoosterGirl]

I agree, th.cg, I think Ricky is toast.

[Squonk]

I wonder if Jack is going to die, and Doyle will become the new Jack...

[danceswithvowels]

You betcha, DoubleDee! ;-)

[Dr. Rickenstien]

No wonder Ben Cram got the job so fast...this chick is EZ!

[Brad]

i tried that code and it did not work

[homeybeef]

marylin bauer is definatly whats wrong

[WoosterGirl]

I wish Marilyn Bauer would be toast.

Toast acts better than this woman.

[DeskDiva]

So - the ACTING HEAD of CTU has to deal with a whiny beyotch? They can't use the useless head of security? Oh, oops - guess I answered my own question....

[Suzy Q]

Catfight? Oh, pleaseyesacatfightwouldbesogooood!

[Wes S.]

Ohnoes! Marilyn is going all Awwwdrey on us!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Okay, wait. Jack gets 1 security guard to guard him, and Marilyn gets 4?!!?

[Squonk]

I like how they are actually debating whether or not Jack is right. Of course he is.

[DeskDiva]

What's new with that, Wes?

[Suzy Q]

Is Chloe even AWAKE this episdoe? It's like someone slipped her a roofie.

I blame global warming!

[ChuckE]

This scene has too much marital angst and not enough Jack Bauer aerating bad guys.

[WizzyPigabeth]

But I like Doyle when he's testy.

[Aaronak]

They do know that Jack can take over that van using only the power of his mind, right?

[Siouxie]

*ouch*

[DeskDiva]

YAY BILL!!!

[danceswithvowels]

Okay, Morris and Ricky! Finally some halfway (only) compelling dialogue.

[Suzy Q]

Oh, fer cripes sake. SHOOT HIM!!!!!

[MJ]

Big Pimp Bill! WOOOOO!

[Kali.Amanda]

See, Ricky ASKS for opinions. Jack beats them out of you. Who do you trust?

[Wes S.]

Bill and Jack are both off the reservation! Yeehah!

[DeskDiva]

LOL Kali! Jack, duh!

[Bethie]

Because we all know, the CTU is all about the constitutionality of their operation.

[danceswithvowels]

"Unfortunately, I am (right)." That's Jack!

[Dr. Rickenstien]

wooden dialouge generator being used for good instead of evil...way to go Bill!

[ArcticAl]

Just popping in from the left coast to say hi. I'm peeking between the fingers covering my eyes so I don't learn any cliff hangers that the writers have put into the script. I miss blogging with you all.

See ya'll later! And Jack PLEASE SHOOT SOMEONE!

[DeskDiva]

When it suits them, Bethie; when it suits them.

[steve-o]

Finally, on the 23rd episode, somebody tells Doyle he's OK and he tells them to shove it!

[homeybeef]

Bill-"so jack, is this what you do when you used to go against things when I was in charge?"

[steve-o]

sorry, that post was from 10 mins ago, wretched bots!

[DeskDiva]

Hey, Al - maybe I'll IM you later to blog it with you. Depends on how late it's on for you.

[Suzy Q]

Dream on with the cliffhangers, ArcticAl. We're still waiting for something, ANYTHING to happen. It's been 28 minutes and NO ONE has died! WTF is up with that?

[Bethie]

Yes, Diva, or maybe when it suddenly dawns on the writers what the plot is!

[Suzy Q]

Dream on with the cliffhangers, ArcticAl. We're still waiting for something, ANYTHING to happen. It's been 28 minutes and NO ONE has died! WTF is up with that?

[Dr. Rickenstien]

anyone else think that at the last second the guy talking to Bill realized that Jack was in the car behind him and thought "Oh SH$T!"

[Aaronak]

Damnit, Nadia, there is a 7-pin still standing out there! We can not just trust that 10-pin to knock it down! Listen to me!

[DeskDiva]

WTF?????

New character? NOW??!!?

[Bethie]

Yeah, Nadia, I was wondering the same thing.

[Suzy Q]

Who's that? He's cute! Could I have missed him all season?

[Wes S.]

Steve-O, I've been botfocked on every single post...starting with my first one tonight on this thread, when the bot tried to tell me I was "comment spam."

For some reason - I'm sure it's just a coincidence - the bot is wearing a brand new pair of Chinese slave-labor Air Jordan knockoffs.

Of course, actual Air Jordans are also made in Chinese slave-labor sweatshops. Still....it's suspicious.

[WoosterGirl]

Stewart? Who's Stewart? What's with the hugging? Why has no one been shot?

[MJ]

Great, another boyfriend for Chloe. Because we all want to see that.

[Aaronak]

Why not? They did it with Morris last season!

[homeys wonderful girlfriend]

new subplot at hour 23 ... i guess they had to do SOMETHING ... ANYTHING?

[danceswithvowels]

Chloe's hugging a stranger! Jack and Bill are shooting bowling balls, mebbe.

[DeskDiva]

BUSTED!!!!!

[Brad]

everybody loves chloe

[Dr. Rickenstien]

ok, aren't they monitoring an operation or something? "Who is he?".....who cares?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

System shutdown in progress? Wow, they get more warning than Windows gives you...

[WizzyPigabeth]

OOOO Karen's denied access!! Wooo Hooo!!!

*sigh*

[Kali.Amanda]

Anyone for a chorus of "Woman in Chains'?

[MJ]

Looks like Big Pimp Bill will be getting his Pimp Pad back pretty soon....

[Suzy Q]

OOo, Nadia's movin' in on Chloe's hugmuffin! I put my money on Chloe.

[WoosterGirl]

Either Milo or Stewart is adopted. They look NOTHING alike.

Stewart should take his shirt off.

[steve-o]

Jack escaped? For the 89th time? How?

[DeskDiva]

"My brother talked about you."

And now I'm going to look down at your chest smarmily....

[MaryContrary]

Or another boyfriend for Nadia.

[WizzyPigabeth]

"Jack escaped? how?"

I can not believe how retarded this is.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

thanks for coming Milo's brother. see ya again in another weird sub-plot next season

[DeskDiva]

A friggin' PICNIC TABLE? I don't know why I think that's hilarious, but I do.

[Suzy Q]

Stewart should DEFINITELY take his shirt off. Absolutely no doubt about that!

Oh damn, he's probably gonna turn out to be a mole. On the bright side, that'll mean interrogation!

[Wes S.]

Damnit! Drink!

[Wes S.]

Damnit! Drink!

[WoosterGirl]

Is Ricky's word anything like Jack's word? If it is, then Whiney Josh is toast.

[Bethie]

Run Josh! Now is your chance, dammit! Stupid boy. Then just sit there.

[homeys wonderful girlfriend]

doyle knows he has no chance in hell

[DeskDiva]

Stewart = setup for "Day 7: Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch"

[Aaronak]

JACK-BAU-ER

more than meets the thigh

[Suzy Q]

Ok, Wes, I'll drink! Jeez, you're so pushy.

[Dustin]

Stewart escaped! THROUGH THE LOCKER! Oh, he's good.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I think the plot writers decided to spare us by getting Milo's brother out of the way as quickly as possible. They must be reading this blog.

[steve-o]

Poor Doyle, out there with nothing but a perimeter

[WoosterGirl]

Ooooo, Suzy, interrogation of handsome male suspect.

This plot could use my serious macho eye candy.

[Dr. Rickenstien]

Doyle "Yeah he's coming..." *checks his pants to see if the stain is really noticable on black*

[MaryContrary]

Yes, Stewart has promise. Much more so than his brother. He could be a good addition to the "plot." If he comes back, that is . . .

[Wes S.]

Not my fault, Suzy: it's the bot. Dammit.

[danceswithvowels]

Propel. The water that Transformers drink.

[Dustin]

i can't believe Philip's men were more than 10 minutes away from a location.

[WoosterGirl]

*SNORK* @ Dustin.

[Bethie]

Okay, doggie! Any minute now! Oh Shrek. Okay.

[DeskDiva]

**TRANSFORMEDSNORK** for Aaronak

I can't wait to see the movie!!

[MJ]

If ManKim shoots someone, I'm going to laugh myself right off a cliff.

[WizzyPigabeth]

This is where Darth chokes Karen.

[DeskDiva]

***SNORK*** for Dr. RickenSTAIN

[homeybeef]

based on Milos time on this show, stewart will be back mysteriously around season 10

[WoosterGirl]

Karen's in TRUH-bel, Karen's in TRUH-bel.

[MJ]

It's not all about you Darth Booth!