24

This summary might be even less accurate than usual. I missed most of 24 last week, which was a shrewd move because apparently it was Night of the Living  Audrey. Remember when this season was about nuclear bombs going off in U.S. cities? How did we get from that to Audrey? When this season finally ends, Congress had better hold hearings.

Anyway, Jack is all mopey because the evil Chinese subplots turned Audrey into a zombie, on top of which her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, last seen drowning, reappeared to order Jack to keep away from his daughter. But before  that happened, Audrey said "Bloomfield," which turned out to be... a clue! To quote from the Official 24 Site "Plot" Summary:

There is a Bloomfield Copper Company that used to have a facility in Los Angeles. Forensics found copper particles on her clothes, so this may be where Cheng was hiding her. LAPD is locking down the building but Doyle is heading there now.

Sounds like a showdown at the old Bloomfield Copper place! (It's one of the many abandoned copper operations in the Los Angeles area.) CTU needs to capture the wily mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng before he can give his government the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom (thanks to Fred for the link) which could create... an international crisis. Already Russian troops are moving into Central Asia, and you know what that means. I don't know what it means, either, but it sounds bad, especially if you are a Russian troop.

Meanwhile back in Washngton, Acting President Dark Powers has discovered that Lisa, the White House vixen who has been on his staff, has also been on the staff of a Russian agent. This is very significant, because... OK, it just is. I'll be honest: whenever they show the Washington scenes, I go to the bathroom, even if I don't have to.

Edgar is still dead (although he got right on the horn to his agent when he saw William Devane reappear).

Morris has broken up with Chloe for good.

Christopher shot Tim Daly. (This happened last night on the Sopranos, but I'm including it here because,  whoa.)

Meanwhile, according to this column (thanks to Michelle Jameson) the producers of 24, apparently recognizing that this season totally bites is not quite up to snuff, are going to give it a "complete remodeling." Good idea! Maybe they could hire some writers!

Nah, that's crazy talk.

Anyway, we've given this season thousands of hours of our time, so we're not going to quit until it's over. We will be watching closely tonight, and of course waiting for clarification from the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: A restraining order! THAT will certainly deter a legal stickler like Jack.

UPDATE: Dammit, Nadia!

UPDATE: Jack is a coiled spring, waiting to uncoil like... like a spring that is uncoiling.

UPDATE: A FIVE-BLOCK PERIMETER!

UPDATE: Real-time tactical feeds will be uplinked to their PDAs! They must have Cingular.

UPDATE: The Venus Breeze looks like a fine ladies' razor.

UPDATE: Can we just get to the shooting?

UPDATE: CTU's motto should be "D'oh!"

UPDATE: So basically, in a locked-down city, with CTU looking for him, Cheng can move a small army on CTU... undetected!

UPDATE: Dropped data fields in Sector 8, I HATE that.

UPDATE: Can we all agree that Chloe's new hair color is a major mistake?

UPDATE: Lisa needs to create an opportunity for Bishop to access her PDA. If you know what I mean.

UPDATE: This season is all about stalling for time, isn't it? Reminds me of baseball, when the manager goes to the mound and scratches his butt while the relief pitcher warms up. Only not as exciting.

UPDATE: What, exactly, do women mean when they say they're going to "freshen up?" Never mind, I don't want to know.

UPDATE: If I were the hospital that employs House, I'd fire him, because wherever he goes the patients are messed up.

UPDATE: "We're in." Wow! Even the Chinese say that! They must have watched a lot of movies.

UPDATE: Milo is hurt because there might be something between Nadia and Doyle. Seriously, do you believe the amount of this stuff that goes on at CTU?

UPDATE: Honestly, CTU is the single most clueless government agency in the history of government agencies. THEY CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT THAT THEY'RE UNDER FREAKING ATTACK.

UPDATE: NOW we are talking.

UPDATE: I'll be honest: I was never attached to Milo. But seriously: Should we not be a little bit troubled by the fact that CTU -- the agency responsible for protecting the nation from terrorists -- could not protect its own building from terrorists?

UPDATE: So it's Jack against, what, 25 killers? This thing is over.

UPDATE: The air duct! That is so... unexpected.

UPDATE: The costume designer said, "OK, the attackers will wear matching tank tops. And we will glisten their bodies with sweat."

UPDATE: Modern buildings have PA systems in the air ducts, for exactly this reason.

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett! That old so-and-so.

UPDATE: This was the best episode for a while. Utterly preposterous, but less White House and more Jack. Which is why we watch. Coming up: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: An excellent analysis from commenter Wes S.:

OK, wait a minute...Farmer Hoggett, the superpatriot, is going to defect to China on the spur of the moment because he thinks his country is ungrateful.

And the Russians are getting ready to go to war with the United States because the Chinese got their hands on one of their nuclear weapons components...from a Russian nuke that was smuggled into the USA, by a Russian general, to be used to take out an American city. And the Russians are allegedly doing this because they're afraid of a war with CHINA!

Is this show making even less sense than usual?

Comments

[tropichunt.com guy™]

bali: Yep, it was First Contact. Hope the allergies clear up, altho if they do, the plot to the show will stop making sense to you.

[Wes S.]

Siouxie, tell me about it: I've been fighting both the bot and my dial-up service all night.

It was worth it, just to hang out with you guys. Getting an attaboy from Dave is just icing on the cake.

[Dr. Rickenstein]

Nah Sioux, still here. They've ripped off Die Hard enough this year and both franchises are owned by Fox. Think John McClain may be making an appearance sometime soon?

[Siouxie]

Wes, not only that...you're part of Dave's "summary"!!!

*cheers!*

[Siouxie]

Dr. Rick, or if Jack gets to say...YIPPEAAIIIIYEY MOTHER F*$#@*&!!!!

[Desk Diva]

WOW, Wes! You've made Blogstory!

And Siouxie (with your Shoexies), I'm still here....!

[Dr. Rickenstein]

True enough Sioux, and since TPTB are buddies with the Rush, gettin by the FCC with it would be like breaking into CTU.

[Desk Diva]

Actually, it's Yippee-ki-ay, M--F--....

[jesme]

This is only my second year of watching this half-@$$ed show, but...addictive as it is...I'm getting so sick of the endless stupidities. Like why the heck it's so easy to break into CTU. Last year, some clown gets mugged and his entry pass falls into the hands of maniacal killers. This year we learn that CTU headquarters is conveniently located just a few feet above the local sewer system, making the building easily accessible to maniacal killers.

I know a certain amount of implausibility is unavoidable, but sheesh! Nobody ever noticed that sewer on the blueprints when designing the building? Nobody ever consider picking a different location, or maybe pouring a 6-foot-thick slab of concrete at the base of the structure? I'd bet even your typical bank is designed better than this, much less a superduper rootin tootin terrorist-fighting headquarters. It's just bloody moronic.

And what's up with the Air Vents Large Enough For a Man (But Made For A Woman)? Memo to all designers of high-security structures--air doesn't need man-sized openings. Smaller ones will do, and will cut down on stupid crawling-through-the-air-duct scenes in stupid TV shows!

All right...I feel better now.

[Dr. Rickenstein]

And to fire one last shot at CTU security, they are easier to get into than the VP's aide....I will now lock myself in a room with squirels chattering Copacabana...

[Desk Diva]

LOL LOL LOL! @ AVLEFaM(BMFAW). :) Excellent.

[Desk Diva]

Oh, dear, Dr. R.! Don't do that horrible thing to yourself!! We value your commentary too much.

[Lorie Byrd]

Just a couple of quick comments--

Is it just me, or is everything filmed in the dark this season? It is worse than the X-files and CSI combined.

And if anyone is coming back to life, I want it to be Tony.

[Sarah]

What was up with Milo's hair tonight...? It looked funny.

[Siouxie]

Dr. Rick...anything BUT Copacabana!!

[Sarah J]

*sniff*

I miss Tony

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

almost done!

[Dr. Rickenstein]

I was going with Mandy, but that seemed a little harsh. Maybe CTU should install Manilow as building security the next time they're invaded.

[Desk Diva]

See? I TOLD y'all Milo was wearing a bad rug. See my comments at 9:40 and 9:45.

I figure he's shaved his head in sympathy with Britney and they gave him a bad wig tonight because they knew he was going to be shot in the head. Saved them the expense of a good wig.

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

The bot thinks my summary posting is comment spam. I think this is pretty astute of the bot given what I wrote tonight, but I'm still trying to get around it.

[Siouxie]

*shoots the bot again*

*sets up a PERIMETER around the blog so Steve can get by*

[Desk Diva]

*ports the sockets inside the perimeter*

*pours blogarita salt in Siouxie's thigh-shot wound*

[Siouxie]

Good thinking, Dr. Rick!! Maybe Jack doing a karaoke version of "I write the songs"....but he'll be singing "I shoot the thighs".

[Batman]

You know what would be way cool? Ricky Silver Spoons Lonesome Dove NYPDBlue Stratton Schroder is the father of the love child, not Jack... they look exactly alike, come on!!! You know it's true!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Posting this in parts.

Part 1:

Previously on “24”: We found out that: Audrey can’t converse; Things between Chloe and Morris got worse; Mark Bishop searched Evil Lisa’s purse; President Noah still needs a nurse; Jack is under a curse; The whole cast hopes to find a new plot to rehearse.

The following summary occurred between 2 am and 3 am:

2:00 am – Jack is in a room alone having a staring contest against himself, when Nadia comes in and tells him that Heller is filing a restraining order against Jack so that Audrey won’t have to be seen on the show anymore. Nadia tells Jack that they’ve found copper particles on Audrey, which either means they’ve been throwing pennies at her, or they’ve been keeping her in an old abandoned copper facility, which Los Angeles is so well known for. Jack really wants to go get Cheng, but Nadia won’t let him. It sure looks like Jack thinks he can take the guards out (and not for lunch). Nadia informs Jack that’s it’s nearly been two hours since she’s been put in charge, so it’s time for a new replacement, who will arrive shortly.

2:04 am – Milo goes to find out about the Bloomfield mine, and Morris makes the astute observation that the place is “big”, not one of those small copper companies that they use to make American Girl doll accessories. Milo asks Chloe a question and she snaps at him, which isn’t really unusual Chloe behavior, but she won’t say what’s wrong. Morris tells Milo he should just stay out of it, probably sensing that Chloe was just about to go for her taser.

2:05 am – Mike and a bunch of CTU tactical guys, who haven’t been named because they’re going to be the professional bullet catchers this episode, are getting dressed all in black to go to a formal shootout. Nadia comes in and tells everyone exactly what they probably know already: They’re going to get some Chinese, and that doesn’t mean they’re headed for some dim sum; they’re going to try and get the chip back, without the assistance of Jack Bauer (you can tell this makes some of them very nervous). Nadia tells them, “There is no room for error”, since they’re not allowed to use horseshoes or hand grenades. Mike points out they’re going to put every available agent out in the field, and that there’s no way this could ever possibly be a problem. Nadia tells him it would be better to go get Cheng.

2:08 am – Cheng arrives at his secret hideout. He tells his tech support guy to upload the data to his men, using USB ports that Cheng previously installed in them. Cheng and his tech support guy’s captions on the bottom of the screen make it look like they’re arguing about whether the men they’re going to use for this mission are capable or not. A quick check with Babelfish tells us they’re just arguing about what’s going to happen in the season finale of Lost. The guys Cheng picked bought expensive Bluetooth headsets and now they can’t afford shirt sleeves, and they look pretty mad about it. Cheng tells them they have to attack “the target” in 15 minutes.

Commercial

2:13 am – Marilyn and Josh talk about how Graem was part of the whole plot that ended up with a nuke going off, and Josh says he wishes he never signed up to be on the show, but corrects himself and says “to be part of this sick family”.

2:15 am – Chloe goes to see Marilyn, and tells her that Audrey is still alive. Marilyn seems completely surprised, as if she hatched the whole plot to get Audrey to go to China after Jack, but that would be a plot twist too silly even for “24”.

2:16 am – Evil Mark gets a call from Evil Lisa, and they make small talk while everyone in the White House, including some of the cleaning staff listen in, in hopes of Mark and Lisa saying something naughty to each other, but it doesn’t happen. Lisa does casually mention that the Chinese “crisis” has been averted, and Mark seems to take that well, and doesn’t blurt out any swear words in Russian.

2:17 am – Lennox hands Lisa her PDA and tells her to go back to Mark. She’s supposed to act completely casual, and immediately excuse herself to go to the bathroom to throw up so Mark can access some fake files that say: “The Chinese guy who was headed out of the country was killed and the Russian chip was destroyed. The Russian chip is definitely NOT still in Chinese hands and they’re NOT still trying to get it back. Nope. Nuh-uh”. They’re hoping that will convince the Russians. Lisa is nervous about this whole “acting” thing in front of Mark, and everyone else in the cast can sympathize because “acting is hard”.

2:18 am – Jack is either trying to have a staring contest with the table, or he’s trying to use his heat vision to burn a whole in it, when Chloe comes in with Marilyn. Jack says he’ll be fine and shooting in no time, but Marilyn just wants to talk about Audrey. Jack just doesn’t want to talk about it. (THANK YOU, JACK!) Marilyn tells Jack that after all this is over, she’s up for dating Jack. She leaves. Chloe tells Jack that Mike is going after Cheng.

2:19 am – Back at Cheng’s headquarters, one of his men brings over a PDA with a maze game that he can’t quite figure out without Cheng’s help. Cheng says they’re going to be in optimal position for a surgical strike! They’re going to attack an operating room!

2:20 am – Mike arrives at the front entrance to Bloomfield, throwing everyone off because no one EVER goes in the front entrance. That’s executive thinking.

The guy Cheng has been talking to is slowly catching on to what Cheng is planning, and realizes that people “are going to die, and stuff”. This guy must be from the Valley.

CTU outside cuts through the high security chain link fence with some Jack Bauer toe tail clippers (that’s a bolt cutter, to you and me).

Cheng tells his nervous Valley guy that their objective is to “get the package”.

Finally! One of the CTU tactical guys puts a bomb on the door to the entrance! It goes off…. Like a sparkler! Pfft! Jack would have used something that would have taken out the whole wall. Mike and the CTU guys rush in! They’re doing a great job securing a completely empty warehouse so far, and they continue.

It looks like Cheng is not going to get back his rental deposit on this secret hideout, because there’s huge hole in the floor straight with a rope going into it down to the sewers . This is NOT the kind of thing you can cover up with a nice Chinese rug either. The guys plan on heading 180 meters to the target. Cheng says, “Don’t let me down”, so I don’t think Cheng intends to go down the hole with them.

2:22 am – CTU tactical tells Mike that the empty building put up a struggle, but now it’s completely secured. The guy takes Mike over to a large pile of empty weapons boxes, and it’s either Jack’s pile of recyclables, or they just found that the Chinese have a lot of weapons right now. There still seems to be a complete absence of any Chinese guys there. Mike calls Nadia and tells her to be on the look out for a couple of guys carrying a LOT of weapons, or a bunch of guys carrying a few weapons each. Since this is Los Angeles, that might be a tall order. Neither of them have any idea what the Chinese are planning.

2:23 am – The Chinese guys are all in the sewers now, some of them rethinking their career choices. The head commando guy calls Cheng, and asks for directions because GPS units don’t work very well underground. Cheng tells them where to go, and when they get there, they’ll be all set to break into CTU!

Commercial

2:28 am – Morris asks Chloe for some help on some images, and then they launch into a whole discussion of why they broke up. I expect to see Dr. Phil walk in at any moment.

2:30 am – Lennox is outside of the building with Lisa. Lisa says she’s frightened about doing this. Lennox tries to reassure her by telling her that she should be frightened because she could be facing treason charges. (He was never really good a reassuring people). They give Lisa a HUGE purse with a non-descript camera lens in the side to film the whole thing, and she heads into the secret apartment. Lennox calls to tell Noah what is going on.

2:31 am – Just as Evil Lisa comes to the door, Mark opens it. They kiss, but Mark thinks that something is wrong because Lisa doesn’t taste as Evil as she usually is. Lisa tries to leave, but Mark won’t let her. Lennox and the surveillance crew watch this from the camera in the bag. Lennox forgets that he didn’t give Lisa an earpiece but continues to try and give her instructions anyway. Lisa tries to go “freshen up again”, but Mark convinces her that they need to debrief each other some more.

Commercial

[Jack "Karaoke" Bauer]

*sings*

I shoot the thighs and make the whooooole world cheer!
I shoot the thighs of terrorists in fear
I shoot the thighs that make the President sigh
I shoot the thighs, I shoot the thighs.

[Desk Diva]

Oh, LORD, a simul with The Amazing Steve and his Amazing Summary!!! NIRVANA!!!!!!!!

*passes out cold*

[Desk Diva]

*revives*

LOVE the G&S-style intro, Steve!!!! Whooo!!!

[Aaronak]

I miss that Taser.

[Siouxie]

Steve...so far it's excellent!!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Part 2

2:39 am – The Chinese commandos arrive at a grate with a light above it just under CTU, and it gives them access to CTU security system! You would think that something like that would have been looked into after last year’s attack on CTU. They’ll have everything shut down in two minutes! CTU’s first clue will probably be when the computers stop working.

2:40 am – Milo goes to talk to Nadia with information, but she’s a lot more interested in letting him know that she and Mike are “just friends” and not “shooting buddies”. Chloe interrupts to tell them both she’s figured out that the Chinese guys did in fact get into cars and drive away from where Mike is, sometime before Mike got there. Glad someone cleared THAT up.

2:41 am - One of the Chinese commandos gets mad at the grate, and decides he’s going to cut through it. He warns everyone.

2:42 am - Nadia tries to call Doyle, but can’t get a hold of him because she has her phone on the CTU system! No one can get an outside line, but strangely they can call each other on the inside, because Milo gets a phone call.

Chinese commando are on their way up through where the grate used to be, but they’re going to have a hard time sneaking around upstairs without smelling their sewer water drenched clothes from a mile away.

Morris can’t figure out why his computer can’t reach any of the servers, yet Milo got a phone call just a minute before. Chloe, meanwhile doesn’t seem to have a problem with her computer (well, this is Chloe we’re talking about, after all), and says she knows where Cheng was headed. Milo proves why he’s not in charge when he tells Nadia that he thinks it is kinda weird that all the cameras are out all over CTU. Nadia realizes that what’s going on isn’t going to look very good on her resume as she tells Chloe to do a “Code Red Emergency Lockdown”.

2:43 am – Just in case someone can’t hear the emergency buzzer going off all over CTU, they put a large red circle over the big displays in the room just to make them harder to read. The Chinese commandos are in CTU, and they start shooting random security guys. Nadia tells everyone to go to their happy places, and everyone scatters. Marilyn and Josh hear all this going on, and don’t know what to make of it. Jack hears it too, and looks mad that he doesn’t have a gun to join in on the fun, when the guard won’t let him out.

2:44 am - The head commando is really mad at the ceiling because he shoots it without even looking at it as he enters the main CTU control area and tells everyone to get down. A couple of people start dancing disco until they realize he meant to drop to the floor. The guard at Jack’s door finally opens it up, gets some instructions from Jack, and promptly gets shot before he can do anything. Jack makes a face like “this ALWAYS happens”. Fortunately the guy who shot the guard isn’t too bright because he decides to kick in another door, and completely ignore who the guard was talking to.

Jack dives for a gun and shoots a couple of bad guys and some bad looking CTU glass.

The head commando asks to have everyone’s phones, because he’s trying to pick a new one and needs to look at the latest and greatest. He tells one of his men to filter all communication and to turn off the alarm because it’s annoying and no one outside of CTU can hear it anyway.

Jack makes up for not shooting anyone for a while by shooting a couple of more people, some more glass, and upgrades to a submachine gun when his pistol runs out of bullets.

2:45 am – Head Commando asks who’s in command, and just as Nadia starts to get up, Milo gets up instead. Head Commando fires Milo, making that the briefest CTU command in history.

Commercial

[Annie Where-but-here]

Yay, Steve!

What'd I miss?

[Dr. Rickenstein]

Holy Crap DD! maybe not Nirvana but at the very least Stone Temple Pilots.

(back to the squirels and "Bandstand" for me.)

[Siouxie]

Annie, you missed...

1) Perimeters
2) Chloe bitching at the fact that she's the only female cast member that can act.
3) #3 got shot in the thigh, unfortunately
4) All of CTU is forced to listen to Barry Manilow

[Siouxie]

Whoop! I got a simul with Steve and his summary too!

[Nobody]

*waits impatiently for the next exciting installment of Steve's wonderful summary*
Stupid bot! Let Steve post!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Part 3
2:50 am – Jack is up on the second level of the building and can see that everyone else is being rushed off into another room, reminding themselves to never volunteer that they’re in charge if anyone ever asks that question.

Marilyn is still in another room and can’t figure out why, even with alarms and guns going off, that the phone is dead. She sees two guys with guns down the hallway! Marilyn gets Josh to help her move a couch in front of the glass door, because using her powerful reasoning skills she can just tell that there would be no way that two grown men could figure out how to get around THAT. Or even get through the solid glass walls surrounding the room. That plan is foiled when the two guys push their way in, and tell Head Commando and Cheng they found Josh! It was Josh they were after! They start to leave, but Uncle Jack arrives and gives each of the commandos a couple of bullets apiece, as a gift. They don’t take them very well, and hit the ground. Marilyn seems pretty freaked out that they wanted Josh, as she tells Jack. Jack seems pretty impressed because he was 18 before any commandos wanted to take him hostage. Jack, Marilyn and Josh sneak through the building while some more commandos sneak around after them.

2:52 am – They all enter the Fizzy Lifting Drink room. Jack jams his gun into the fan, and tells Josh to go up the air duct, which doesn’t thrill him very much because he knows Mr. Wonka won’t like him messing up his air duct. Josh climbs up the air duct. Marilyn starts to as well, and the commandos break in, taking both Jack and Marilyn hostage. One of them calls Head Commando and explains the situation. Head Commando wants to see Jack and Marilyn.

[Siouxie]

Steve, you are being quite the tease tonight...I love it!

[Aaronak]

I Said, "GOOD DAY!"

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Part 4

2:53 am – They have cameras all over …. Even the air ducts, because we can see Josh crawling around in them.

Head Commando tells Cheng, who isn’t too happy because he really wanted an American to take hostage.

One of the tech support commandos tells Head Commando that Mike is calling in to talk with Nadia. Head Commando says “Nadia Yassir, stand up!” Morris briefly looks like he’s going to stand up to take her place, but realizes at the last second he probably couldn’t pull off a Nadia impersonation. Nadia stands up, but looks a little freaked out because she remembers the last time Head Commando said “Come here”. Head Commando figured out that Nadia is really in charge because he used technology called “a roster”. He warns Nadia to not let Mike know what’s going on. She talks to Mike to let him know everything is just peachy at the office.

2:57 am – Jack and Marilyn arrive. Head Commando uses the PA system, which is even installed in the air ducts (they think of everything), and tries to convince Josh to come down or Marilyn is going to die. Head Commando starts counting, and they get Josh out just before Marilyn is shot. Head Commando tells Cheng they have Josh.

2:59 am – Cheng calls Grampa Bauer to let him know they have Josh, and to thank him for providing the security codes. Now, how in the heck does Jack’s father know the security codes? You know how? Internet. You can find anything there. Cheng will exchange Josh for the chip.

3:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME ON “24”: BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY! HEAD SLAMS! SLIDING AROUND AND SHOOTING! EVIL MARK MAKES A MAD FACE! NOAH GETS EXCITED!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

I really hate the bot. I changed a bunch of things until I figured out which word it was barfing on.

It was the word "chart" without the letter "r".

[Desk Diva]

Snorks for Steve:

1. Babelfish
2. Horseshoes & hand grenades
C. The idea that any plot twist is "too silly" for 24
4. Jack Bauer toenail clippers
5. Milo's phone call
6. Disco (but who doesn't laugh at disco?)
7. Briefest CTU command
8. Gift bullets
9. Fun with Oompa Loompas!
10. Internet security codes
11. B/W photography
12. Excited Noah (which I really, really don't wanna see....

Yay Steve!!! Thanks for the snorks!!!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Thanks!

I swear posting was tougher than writing that tonight!

Next time I'll just write it without watching anything. It'll give me more time to get around the bot.

[Dr. Rickenstein]

And Steve hits it out of the yard yet again! Howard Gordon and company should be charged criminaly for not hiring you to the writing team yet.

[Wes S.]

Nobody gets around the bot, alas. It puts up the only perimeters around here that actually work...

Steve, great job as usual. Although since I normally wait until the next morning to read your summaries, I'm now at a loss for something to read during breakfast...

[Ronald McFirbank]

Dear 24,

Surprise deaths are no longer surprising. Despite that, please continue them until you've pretty much got it down to Jack and Chloe again.

Mike

Yeah, this was the first reasonably tense and exciting episode in a while. The fact that it had nothing to do with the last 10 or 12 episodes helped. Some good Jack action that did not involve becoming a suicide bomber, Powers Boothe finally got a full-fledged Powers Boothe badass moment (the enemy combatant line), the only downer was that Jack's sister in law and Audrey were both in it (Jack goes for the drippiest damn females). At least it's an episode that suggests that the writers of 24 have actually watched the show and have some idea of what made it popular.

Which puts them ahead of, say, George Lucas, who made three more Star Wars movies and put every last character in them EXCEPT HAN SOLO. Even 24 hasn't broken that record for cluelessness about your own work yet....

[Dr. Rickenstein]

as long as I'm using music for torture devices I'm thinking about uploading Paris Hilton's CD to a certain bot if it doesn't start actin' a little less snarky. YOU HEAR ME BOT??????

[Ronald McFirbank]

"I know a certain amount of implausibility is unavoidable, but sheesh! Nobody ever noticed that sewer on the blueprints when designing the building? "

For that matter, why does CTU have enough basements-- in LA, city of no basements-- to support a population of half a dozen phantoms of the opera?

[Wes S.]

Oh, I dunno about that, Mgmax: whatever else one might want to call Nina Myers, I don't think you could fairly describe her as "drippy." The fact that the traitorous Nina was easily the most resourceful and intelligent of Jack's various spouses, lovers and paramours says a lot about "24's" scriptwriters...none of it good.

Yet they killed Nina off...and let Awwwdrey live. Too bad they didn't put her in "Captivity" instead of Kim...

[Dr. Rickenstein]

they need those basements so their employees can get around that whole "no fraternizing" at work thing.

[Desk Diva]

At least it's an episode that suggests that the writers of 24 have actually watched the show and have some idea of what made it popular.

Which puts them ahead of, say, George Lucas, who made three more Star Wars movies and put every last character in them EXCEPT HAN SOLO. Even 24 hasn't broken that record for cluelessness about your own work yet....

That is the best summary of that travesty that I have ever heard.

[George "The Awesome" Lucas]

I know full well the character everyone wants to see. That Jar-Jar guy. He's gonna be the central dude in Episodes -2 — 0.

[George "The Awesome" Lucas]

Solo Shmolo. He doesn't stand a candle to C3PO.

[Ronald McFirbank]

"whatever else one might want to call Nina Myers, I don't think you could fairly describe her as "drippy."

Actually, it's probably an unfair comment up through about Season 4-- Jack's wife Teri was a decent character too, resourceful yet also realistically uncertain of what to do when her husband's world invaded her life, and even the blonde sister of the gal who went all al-Qaeda before her wedding seems as tough as Victor Drazen next to Audrey, the sister in law, and the big-hair gal he was living with when he was workin' the oil patch.

At least the annoying Palmer Sister is gone, although according to the logic of the show, once Overacting President Daniels is removed from office, under the Constitution another Palmer Sibling ascends to the presidency, so we'll have her all through Season 7.

[Wedge Antiles]

Solo the only one left out? What about ME DAMNITT???

[Desk Diva]

Dear Wedge. We loved you so. You were just too young to die. But you have to admit, it was you or Skywalker, and you just had to know how that was gonna turn out.

[Frederic]

Is Noah excited because he gets to start a war or because he just watched the tape of "Lisa does Mark in DC".

[Wedge Antiles]

Fine! I'll go. But I'm gonna start my own movie franchise with blackjack, hookers and booze!!! (skulks away kickin his pride)

[Val]

Head Commando fires Milo, making that the briefest CTU command in history.
*Double Snork*

[Dr. Rickenstein]

just guessin with Noah but I think he would rather watch the world end on his command than watch Evil Girlfriend Aide get it on with Daniel Jackson

[George "The Awesome" Lucas]

Wedge could be in Episode 12.

[George "The Awesome" Lucas]

Dive, Wedge didn't die. I forgot to kill him off there, and then, what with the popularity of Wedge action figures, well let's just say he had to stick around.

[Mark 24]

Each time I see Chloe, the Drunk, Milo, Nadia or Jack in one of these tender Dr. Phil moments at CTU , I make the exact same noise I made when I learned the cat had diarrhea in my shoe.

[MasterOfTheObvious]

It always cracks me up when the CTU operatives go to a gunfight and show up with only a pistol.

Jack had the guard's Glock and stepped over about 3 SMGs before finally picking up the M4. Just a hint to the writers; a handgun is useful for fighting your way to something bigger. What was I thinking? These same folks think you can blow up a fuel tanker truck with a single shot from a 9mm handgun.

If they can't secure the CTU HQ, does the homeland have a snowball's chance in Hades? I guess they run regular tours and Mapquest will give anyone that asks a map and driving instructions to their super-secret lair.

Did they blow the entire budget on one actor? Even a name like Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland can't save a show this bad.

Like I've said all season, 24 is the best comedy on TV.

[MasterOfTheObvious]

How many love triangles did they have this season? I counted 3, all of which were interacting tonight (Awwwdrey was there in spirit due to absentia/dementia). I might have missed a few others. If I'm busy trying to save the world in a day, I don't have time for all of these emotional distractions. "Honey, I'm going to kill about 30 terrorists and save the world several times today. If I survive, we'll talk about this tomorrow."

This show is funny, funny, stuff.

[Desk Diva]

Mr. Lucas, I've said it before and I'll say it again....MY NAME IS NOT DIVE!!! I'm not that low, and I've kept my nose clean all week. (To no avail, apparently....)

[Siouxie]

Good morning!

I had to finish reading this morning. After the episode I was left semi-comatose and I had nightmares of Barry Manilow singing to me. Can we say brain bleach?? *shudders*

Anywho, Steve...incredible job as usual!! You make watching well worth it! KUDOS and assorted *SNORKS*

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Thanks!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Thanks, Steve. As usual it was so much better than the actual episode. Like Dave I found myself leaving the room on several occasions.

I'm sure some 24 cybergeeks serious fans have done a detailed analysis that will prove my theory that Jack has had less screen time in this season than any previous year, by far. He's been AWOL from 30-45 minutes of several episodes.

I guess Bill Buchanan is happy he got fired now.

And whatever happened to Walid? And Behrooz?

[Anomia]

Did anyone else mourn the passing of CTU's extensive 3-man security team?

[Anomia]

Also -

"UPDATE: Honestly, CTU is the single most clueless government agency in the history of government agencies. THEY CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT THAT THEY'RE UNDER FREAKING ATTACK."

Does anyone else think CTU must be a branch of FEMA?

"UPDATE: The costume designer said, "OK, the attackers will wear matching tank tops. And we will glisten their bodies with sweat.""

... and the lead attacker will be cut and kind of hot and make the viewer feel guilty about being mildly hot for the bad guy, who, who knows, may not be a bad guy, but may actually be sort of misunderstood, because nobody that hot could be that bad, right?

Also, he shot Milo. He's already earned points in my book.

[Ronald McFirbank]

"Does anyone else think CTU must be a branch of FEMA?"

Well, and last night's best line: "The only people who knew about it were in the White House and CTU."

Oh yeah, CTU, the most mole-ridden agency in American history! How could the Russkies have possibly found it out from CTU? Their switchboard probably went down with all the calls coming from the ladies' room at CTU...

[Wes S.]

Actually, CTU wouldn't actually have to be a part of FEMA to explain its incompetence; it's not as if some of our actual intelligence agencies haven't acted like that. Exhibit A for the prosecution: The CIA.

A partial list: CIA completely missed the collapse of the USSR; missed 9/11; didn't see Saddam Hussein getting ready to invade Kuwait until the tanks rolled across the border; underestimated Saddam's WMD stockpiles before the first Gulf War; overestimated them before the second Gulf War; and changes its analyses of how soon Iran will go nuclear on a daily basis.

This is an agency so clusterfornicated that one of its recent former directors, George Tenet, just wrote a book claiming that when he told the President, Congress and the American people that it was a "slam-dunk case" that Saddam Hussein had WMD in 2002, that he was really just kidding and that we (especially the President) shouldn't have taken him seriously. Even though he had ample opportunities to tell all of us otherwise...yet saved the story for his memoirs.

Incidentally, Tenet also lamented the fact in the book that the White House, for some reason, didn't fully trust what they were getting from CIA. Can't imagine why...

And Washington is such a clusterfornicated town that, after Tenet made these confessions in his book; he's still being treated as an intelligence professional...as opposed to being treated to tar and feathers.

Sounds like George Tenet would make a great CTU Director, doesn't it?

[Wes S.]

And, Mgmax, I must respectfully disagree with your assessment of Teri Bauer as "resourceful." IMHO, she was a frigid dingbat. I always thought that when Kim left the house in the series premiere for her blind date from hell, that she must first have raided the medicine cabinet for Teri's antidepressants. Because Teri spent all of the first season getting flakier and flakier...and Kim spent the first two seasons acting like she was on drugs.

If Victor Drazen had really wanted Jack's cooperation back in Season One...he would have threatened to let Teri and Kim live.

[Dave]

Dang, Wes. You should have your own blog.

[Guntley]

The only thing that can save this series is to add Jackie Chan to the cast - since we're in China anyway. We need the action boost! We'll call it them the dynamic duo or the Jack & Jack Attack!

[Eleanor]

*zips in*™

FIRST, kudos to all commenters, but specially to The Amazing Steve, and Wes!

When Dark Boothe Vader said to Lisa, "well, you've lied to me, shouldn't be too hard (har!) to do again", that was the first time anywhere I've ever seen him do anything remotely like acting! I was stunned, in a good way.
And yes, Lisa was not wearing a cool bra. You'd think, knowing everyone in the White House was going to watch her having sex, she'd have dressed a little better.

[homeybeef]

a list of complaints from me

-the end of episode plot twists have gone from the president is a traitor and tony is "dead" (yes I'm still in denial) to hogget is evil (twice in one season) and audrey.

-They have recycled plot points from every season including 24 the game. Anyone who played thta game will surley remember CTU under attack and a Bauer offspring crawling through the vents. To quote a depressed robot, "I've seen it, it's rubbish"

-What would the chinese guys have done about Doyle if they really did kill the head of CTU? HAve Milo go on the phone and tell him he got power hungry and stole her job?

[Wes S.]

Dang, Wes. You should have your own blog.

Oops. Sorry, Dave; didn't mean to be such a bandwidth hog this morning.

I'd love to have my own blog...but I think I need to work on my editing skills a little more first...

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Wes, I'm pretty sure Dave meant that as a complement (and I agree with him)! I have a blog (click the link on my name), and you should too! You can even get one for free right now on Blogger.com. Give it a shot! Just let us know when you start it, so we can link to it too.

[Dave]

Wes -- Steve's right: I meant that as a compliment. Sorry about the confusion. I am not accustomed to expressing myself via these whaddyacallems. Words.

[Eleanor]

I started watching this season because of Ricky NYPDBlue Schroeder, and all I'm sayin' is that they better not kill him off.

[Siouxie]

Dave, maybe you should practice by writing a book or something...

(saw that as a GREAT compliment, Wes! chill!)

[Dr. Rickenstein]

Eleanor, I think Ricky is safe. More than likely he'll get the Chase treatment from season 3 (without getting to dittle Kim of course) where he just won't be used next season. Wes, you are just in the zone today brother! Excellent postage all the way around.

[Dr. Rickenstein]

And if this is the last post for this episode so be it, but I have a theory about this abomination of a season. What if TPTB over at "24" got a note from a major celebrity who was a big fan of the show that they would be available to be a character for next season? The hitch being said person would have to do all of their shooting ASAP. So they decide to turn this season over to the interns to finish while they start franticaly writing for next year. We have met Jack's dad, brother, and nephew this season. Ladies and genlemen I propose next season's big time super suprise to be Jack finding his long lost mother. As played by......Barbra Striesand!!!!! Laugh now but be warned as its the only way things can get lamer.

[Siouxie]

Dr. Rick and the Episode would be called "Fock the Bauers"???

[CP]

1) What about Logan? And Palmer #2? Will this end up like real-life 1973 when there were no living ex-Presidents? Will every "24" president end up dead during office or shortly thereafter?

2) Why is it that no one ever eats or uses a restroom or complains about being tired from working close to 24 hours straight in a highly intense situation? Not even a yawn or a stomach growl or saying they could use some coffee? Why aren't other employees showing up to work their regular 2nd and 3rd shifts or to rush in to help out with the emergency? Why no media circus at CTU? And seemingly never a reference to songs, sports, movies, TV, celebrities.

3) There is no #3.

[Dr. Rickenstein]

(spits Dr. Pepper over perfectly good company keyboard in laughing fit) Exactly Siouxie! Man I just set em' up and ya knowck it out of the park. (goes back to hunting down a possible link between Phillip Bauer, the Ruskies, the Chinese, and the sudden up-tick in terrorist squirell activity)

[Tony in Chicago]

If every a show were RIPE for a spoof film by the makers of Airplane and Hot Shots, my God here we have it with 24.

Let me direct. Please, let me direct.

[Jim McKee]

How did a former member of Foghat get to be the president of Russia? (That is, when he's not an Australian fake psychic [LOST]).

[marybindc]

So now that Milo's out, will we ever find out what happened in Denver between he and Doyle? Or did we already find out and I was refilling my wine glass then?

[MaryContrary (Somewhere in Washington, DC)]

I'm liking this idea of George Tenet as next season's Director of CTU . . .

And we say "24" is unrealistic, har!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Complement... Compliment... This word thing has me baffled too.

[Wes S.]

For Dave, Steve, Siouxie and everybody else who's complimented me on my posts: thanks a lot. Your words of encouragement are really appreciated.

And Dave, regarding this comment you left me:

Wes -- Steve's right: I meant that as a compliment. Sorry about the confusion. I am not accustomed to expressing myself via these whaddyacallems.

- I really appreciated the compliment and took it as such, but I was feeling guilty about hogging your bandwidth at the time. I have no problem expressing myself with those word things...I just have a problem knowing when to quit expressing myself and just get to the point.

Anybody else have that problem?

Seriously, thanks a lot. One day, hopefully, I'll be able to write as skillfully and creatively as Dave or Steve. If I'm lucky.

[Jeff Meyerson]

One hates to be nitpicky - well, not really - but:

Wouldn't it have been easier to just wait for morning until Marilyn & Josh went home and just pick him up there without having to break into & shoot up CTU headquarters?

Or is that being too logical?

I mean, is this happening or is it the hash?

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

"Anybody else have that problem?"

I do....I have the longest posts of anyone else here, so you have nothing to worry about Wes! :-)

[Denise]

Well, Dave, I've finally, after minutes of work, figured out who the surprise person will be driving the car that shocks Jack in the last scene. Are you ready for this? It's gonna be the Cougar! He's had enough of Kim and now he wants Jack Jr. So Jack and Cougar are gonna team up and get JJ away from Hoggett once and for all.

[Anomia]

I have reached such a level of annoyance with "24" that now I only watch it so that I can further enjoy Dave's blog, The Amazing Steve's recaps, and all of the wonderful comments here.

Because otherwise, I just sit there thinking that "24" should go for broke, drop the drama, and just go for comedy.

[rita]

Steve, you are incredible. My husband and I love 24 even though we can't stand to watch it (except on dvd; my attention span--and memory capacity-- is much too short to keep up with "plot lines" during commercials, not to mention the drinking game). Dave's comments and your summaries allow us to keep up with the show without actually watching it (we're up to the middle of the 3rd season on dvd, and we wish we had your summaries of those!).

You make us snork. You are The Master. We bow down.

And Wes, you did a hell of a job tonight!

[McFudge]

24 has a plot that is six ways from Sunday because they're too wussy to admit the fact that every terrorist in recent memory has been Muslim. That's a very un-PC thing to admit, so 24 throws in the Chinese, the Russians, a beautiful Muslim CTU agent, Bad Dad and Bad Brother and who knows who next so as to avoid any risk that someone (especially someone prone to blowing things up or murdering film producers in the street) would accuse them of stereotyping. The result is inevitably an incoherent (or nonexistent) plot.

And yes, Chloe's new hair color and wardrobe are major mistakes.