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April 26, 2007

KISSING BANDIT UPDATE

Gere's on the lam.

(Thanks to SW)

SHHH, DON'T TELL MRS. BLOG

She'll be so disillusioned.

(Thanks first to lauren abbott)

YOU ARE INVITED TO THE PARTY

...in Sweden's pants.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CATFIGHT!

Why was this blog not informed about this?

(If you did inform the blog about this, and the blog paid no attention, rest assured that judi will be rehired for the express purpose of being refired)

GOOD TO KNOW

IF RICHARD GERE DID THIS, THERE WOULD BE RIOTS

SPORTS UPDATE FROM CROATIA

Kinky.

This has been your sports update from Croatia.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

April 25, 2007

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this motorist.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

THE SHERYL CROW EFFECT

We would like to believe this person is joking.

(Thanks to Neil G)

WE MAY BE A SURGING CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT

But there's always time for shopping!

(With sincere gratitude and the promise of some graft 'n stuff to graphic artist and image designer Mike Seidel)

NOTE: Bumper stickers will be printed in about 2 weeks; we'll be offering them on the website, as we did for the last campaign. Buttons will be available as soon as Mikey finished the round design.

SHOW-AND-TELL ITEM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

IT COULD CATCH ON

Rent-a-Mom

(Also thanks to DavCat14)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Thanks to DavCat14)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using rioting pregnant cows.

(Thanks to Geoff, who states "My wife was the same way.")

UPDATE: In other news involving livestock behaving inappropriately in Berlin, we have this. (Thanks to Siouxie)

AND HERE WE'D BEEN BLAMING THE DOG

(Thanks to CJrun)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are problem-solvers.

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

SERIOUS ADVISORY TO EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY MEN

Do not click here.

THEY ARE UP TO SOMETHING

Key Disturbing Quote: Negele and his friends followed the squirrel to the tree and found a stash of acorns and a television remote control.

Meanwhile in New Hampshire...

April 24, 2007

ENGLAND

Still a World Power 

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

JUST KIDDING!

Says Sheryl "One Square" Crow.

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

BUT WOULD IT WORK AGAINST CAPTAIN BURRITO PANTS?

Kryptonite found!

(Thanks to Clean Hands) (UPDATE: And Cheryl Howard)

THE FLORIDA WEIRDNESS MAGNET...

Strikes Again

(Thanks to DavCat)

Photo/Video Update

THINGS WE HAD NO IDEA EXISTED

Item #928

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

NOOOOOOOO

REMAINDERS UPDATE

Remainders Road Manager Ted Habte-Gabr informs me that the official  website is now up and running for the Rock Bottom Remainders "Still Younger Than Keith" Tour. I don't really understand why it's called a "tour" when it's all going to take place on one night in one city. But then I also don't really understand why we're called a "band."

But we're very excited about the big show, and are thinking about incorporating some new songs (defined as "songs that were written after the Spanish-American War"). Also we're giving serious thought to learning how  to tune our instruments. So as the "hep cats" say, it should be a "groovy happening" June 1 at Webster Hall. Be there, or be somewhere else!

You might even be able to go for FREE, if you enter this contest, whose winners will get air fare, hotel and VIP tickets to the show.

ATTENTION 24 FANS: Even if you can't make the show, you can bid on this Kiefer Sutherland model Gibson guitar, which I'll play during the show, and which the whole band (including Roger McGuinn and Steve King) will sign. (Yes, I know "Kiefer" is misspelled in the headline; I have informed Ted.) I'm not sure what, exactly makes this guitar a Kiefer Sutherland model; I just hope that I don't shoot anybody in the thigh.

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK, PYATIGORSK DIVISION

(Also thanks to DavCat14)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Convent Fracas

(Thanks to DavCat14)

SO HOW DID YOUR DAY GO, DEAR?

(Thanks to everyone)

April 23, 2007

24

Nothing really happened last week, unless you count President Gary Payton of Your World Champion For At Least Another Few Hours Miami Heat lapsing into roughly his 14th coma. Other than that it was pretty much blah blah blah until the very end, when Jack pulled a gun on former child Ricky Schroder and went off on -- Surprise! -- a Rogue Operation. He's going to see Cheng, the evil Chinese subplot who's holding Audrey hostage somewhere in -- Surprise! -- the Los Angeles area, where pretty much every other building contains at least one terrorist mastermind.

Jack's Rogue Operation plan is to save Audrey by giving Cheng the Top Secret circuit board that he got from the suitcase nuclear bombs that at one time we hoped -- How young and stupid we were! -- would develop into some kind of plot, but which turned out to be mainly a circuit-board delivery device. Jack's plan is to blow himself and the circuit board and Cheng up once he has freed Audrey, but color us doubtful. Jack's plan is of course opposed by acting president Darth Boothe, whose entire domestic and foreign policy consists of opposing Jack's plans.

Edgar is still dead. Let's face it: This season is, too, ever since the writers made the clinically insane decision to replace the threat of nuclear devastation with the threat of something bad happening to Audrey. At this point the only thing that keeps us watching is the hope that the good people at Victoria's Secret will continue their commendable campaign to keep the public informed regarding the new Extreme Plunge Push-Up Brassiere. So we will be hanging in tonight as best we can, awaiting clarification from the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: Here's my badge, extra!

UPDATE: All available resources, against Jack? Hahahaha.

UPDATE: I know I have said this before, but: CTU could not track an elephant through a closet.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: "Policy-wise, we are in alignment." This is also how Tom picks up chicks.

UPDATE: Wow. Even the Chinese dialog sounds wooden.

UPDATE: Darth Boothe, you HOUND DOG!

UPDATE: "The White House is telling me that if the Chinese get hold of this subcircuit board, we'll have an international incident on our hands." Thanks, Scriptwriters!

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: New subplot time!

UPDATE: Ah! Jack Bauer! So he's still in this series.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but I don't care whether Bill or Karen goes down. Which is not in any way a reference to what is going on in the Oval Office.

UPDATE: That's IT??? We see TWO SECONDS OF JACK and then it's BACK TO THE FREAKING WHITE HOUSE?????

UPDATE: They should change the name of this show to "White House Gasbags."

UPDATE: JACK GOT BILL'S VOICEMAIL!

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but that just struck me as funny. I mean, this is a show where no matter WHAT situation Jack is in -- including clinging to the undercarriage of a nuclear terrorist garbage truck -- Jack always can get through immediately to anybody, anywhere, including the president. But THIS time he gets voicemail.

UPDATE: This is an excellent time for Bill to be pondering personnel matters. Nothing else going on!

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: This is the worst episode padding EVER.

UPDATE: "The public will make assumptions that don't exist." Huh?

UPDATE: Of course agent Ricky has no backup whatsoever. That would be crazy!

UPDATE: Don't ask any questions! I'm part of a subplot!

UPDATE: I have wasted the best years of my life watching this season.

UPDATE: So, do we think we're building toward the One Minute of Actual Action, and then the Shocking Plot Twist? Or what?

UPDATE: Wow! They are going to send help for Ricky! Having shrewdly waited until it is way too late.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be cool if Jack said, "Whoa! Audrey! Have you gained weight?"

UPDATE: Ummm.... Couldn't the 97 Chinese guys just, you know, shoot Jack?

UPDATE: OK, if this guy gets away from CTU, then this is officially the least competent federal bureau EVER.

UPDATE: Wow! THREE CARS!! That is so CLEVER!! No way could the entire United States government successfully track THREE CARS!!!

UPDATE: The only explanation is that the writers, when they developed this "plot," were smoking a very high grade of crack.

UPDATE: Next week, Jack is under arrest. For a change! We now turn you over to the Amazing Steve, the lone ray of hope in this hideous formless mass of a season.

102-YEAR-OLD OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Key Quote: When asked what she would like as a suitable present, Maggie replied, "a Chippendale".

(Thanks to Claire Martin, who observes -- correctly, in this blog's opinion -- "This is the kind of old lady that judi is going to be")

WE HAVE ONE QUESTION

Why?

("Thanks" to CJrun)

SCIENCE PLUNGES AHEAD

(Thanks to DavCat14)

LET'S HOPE HE DOESN'T FALL OFF ANY TOILETS

(Thanks to Siouxie)

UMMM...WHAT? POST OF THE DAY

Key mystery quote: "In Taipei, pressure on people is high, and they want a place near home where they can feel relaxed."

(Thanks to sthnbelle)

IN KEEPING WITH OUR STRICT POLICY OF NOT MAKING FUN OF NAMES

We will steer clear of Hickman.

(Thanks to Geoffrey Butler)

SPEAKING OF CRUISE SHIPS...

You'll want to be sure to stay healthy on your cruise.

(Thanks to GungaDan)

IT COULD BE A CRUISE-SHIP PASSENGER

ANOTHER CANDIDATE WOULD BE WHICHEVER LEGISLATOR INTRODUCED THE BILL

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

SOMETIMES THIS BLOG CANNOT TELL WHEN PEOPLE ARE SAVING THE EARTH, AND WHEN THEY ARE KIDDING

I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

UPDATE (Thanks to CJrun): It takes a lot of stuff to be green.

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF LAST WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to DavCat14)

POLITICAL UPDATE FROM NIZHNY OROK

It's getting ugly.

PROGRESS IN THE WAR AGAINST THE SQUIRRELS

This product (thanks to Debra Weaver) should help raise awareness, as should this column by Mr. Gene Weingarten (thanks to Andrew Hoenig).

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

Teacher Paid 14,000 Pounds for Falling Off Toilet

NIGHTLIFE IN KASHMIR

The hunt for the $68,000 owl.

April 22, 2007

"MOM, WHY IS DAD POUNDING THE PILLOW?"

(Via Gizmodo)

THEY ARE NOT GIVING UP

April 21, 2007

"SO HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?"

YUM

Snake wine.

April 20, 2007

SUDDENLY, GUYS ALL OVER CHINA...

...are buying motorbikes.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

 
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