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April 30, 2007

24

Last week was a thrilling nonstop roller-coaster ride crammed with high-energy action, drama and suspense. Here's one of the big scenes, as described on the official 24 website

12:31 AM -- Karen goes to see Lennox, rationalizing that Reed is using anything he can to bargain his way out of the death penalty for treason. Hock wants to distance the President, and needs either Karen or Buchanan to be blamed. Lennox says that Buchanan is already in the crosshairs and will ultimately be responsible because his signature is on the Fayed release. Karen considers resigning again, but Lennox advises her to not risk her own job since she can’t save Buchanan.

If that doesn't make your sphincter contract, I don't know what will. And tonight promises to be just as good. Here's where we stand:

As you recall, Jack, having managed to escape from Special Agent Former Child Ricky Schroder, was going to meet the evil Chinese Subplot Cheng, who is holding Audrey hostage. Jack's plan was to trade the Top Secret Circuit Board of Doom for Audrey, then blow himself and Cheng and the circuit board up. But Special Agent Ricky showed up at the last minute with a CTU response team and, with typical CTU precision and effectiveness, screwed everything up. Cheng got the circuit board and was able to escape via the fiendishly brilliant tactical tactic of using three black Hummers. That's right: Not only were there three of them, but THEY WERE ALL BLACK!! If the Hummers had been different colors, or if one of them had the words "CHENG IS IN THIS CAR" painted on the roof, CTU might -- I  stress might -- have been able to catch him. But three black Hummers? Fuggedaboudit!

Responding swiftly to the blown mission and Cheng's escape, Special Agent Ricky (Why not?) arrested Jack, who begins this episode in custody for, what, the 273rd time. He is blue because Audrey was brainwashed and doesn't recognize him. Neither do I. The Jack I know and love would have shot the entire CTU response team last week and right now would be bouncing along some dark mountain road, clinging to the back bumper of a black Hummer with one hand while using his other to call Chloe on his cellphone so he could download some schematics.

Come back, Jack. We miss you. And the old Chloe. And Marwan.

Meanwhile President Gary Payton of Your Former World Champion Miami Heat Who Really Stunk It Up in the Playoffs is still in a coma. Acting President Dark Powers has responded to the looming international crisis by declaring to his aide Lisa his desire to show her his executive branch. She was totally willing. So there they were, alone together, in the middle of the night, touching each other, and as you might expect, Lisa... went home to get a change of clothes. Of course! That's exactly what would happen!

Edgar is still dead.

So that's where we stand. I may be joining you late tonight, because Mrs. Blog is being honored at a University of Miami School of Communications banquet, and if you think you can miss a banquet honoring your wife because you have to watch 24, then you are a man who has never been even slightly married. I will set this to auto-post at 8:30, and I'll join you as soon as I can. Until then you're on your own. As always we await the moment when The Amazing Steve shows up and makes everything clear.

UPDATE: Well, it was a long banquet. They gave plaques to everybody in North America. But now I'm here. What's going on?

UPDATE: Bloomfield! Just as I thought.

UPDATE: Man, has this whole thing been about Audrey? I'm going back to the banquet.

UPDATE: What? Lisa's a slut?

UPDATE: William Devane is back!

UPDATE: I'm with William Devane. I don't think Jack should go near Audrey ever again.

UPDATE: "Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead." Yes! What's your point?

UPDATE: Wait a minute... that was the end? Where's the shocking episode-ending plot twist? Did they put that at the beginning this week?

Comments

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This week's surprise twist: Jack confronts the real terrorist mastermind: his Mom!

Played by Bea Arthur.

Woo hoo!

First to say "Rump Presentation." I hope the dialogue's better than that shorter tonight.

Ready to go! Watch for the summary after the show!

First to check in:

TV - ON

Reality - Out the window

Drink - Root Beer!!!!

Bot - Tied up!!!

JACK - IN DA HOUSE!!!!

532nd!

Sphincter contracting!

(oops, premature blog posting)

This episode of House is making my eyes hurt.

Good one, Bethie. I forgot to include that in my checkin. :)

There's always time, Diva! :)

Remember when Kiefer cheated on his fiance' Julia Roberts and she called off the wedding and ran off to Ireland with Jason Patric???

I think he's a jerk.

*POP*

Ahhhhh! My thigh!!!!

*thud*

*whimper*

Good evening. While we wait for the main event to start, I’d like to offer a poem in classical form dedicated to everyone’s favorite 24 character.

“Audrey”
A 24 sonnet

Jack Bauer has a squeeze, though strange it be
Her name is Audrey; mercy, how she bores.
And when she cries, the tears fall fast and free
It’s true it never Raines but that it pours.

When Jack was gone, Walt Cummings had a taste
When Audrey jumped his bones through tearful squalls
When Jack returned, he questioned Walt in haste
His tactic: stick a knife in Cummings’ balls.

(Eyeballs, people. Remember?)

And now the Chinese subplot rears its head
And fans throughout the world are screaming, “Rats!”
It seems that Audrey wasn’t really dead
But worse for Jack, she’s gone completely bats.

Hey Jack! It’s clear that Audrey’s not the one.
Fair Chloe’s smart and better with a gun.

HIYA Punkin!!!!!!!

Over/Under for the number of The Boyfriend Trouser ads tonight: 0.5

Oh, and, .......... Da Bulls.

Hiya, Diva!!!!!!!!

*tries to stand to wave, falls back down on floor*

Oops - feeling a bit top-heavy tonight are we, Punkin?
Oh yeah - that's every night, isn't it?

Rectum? Darn near KILLED 'em

Now House is gonna be in a little black book somewhere...

Those Stouffer's microwave paninis look as unappetizing as anything I've ever seen advertised - BLECH -

Jack Bauer Rectum Hour

Pepsi, the big ball drink.

Let Get Ready To Bauer

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
DRIVE!!! A-AAAHHHHHH! IT SUCKED LIKE WIND!
DRIVE!!! IT'LL WON'T BORE EVERYONE OF US!
DRIVE!!! IT'S ANOTHER CANCELED FOX SHOW!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("Finally, Jacksack™ is back...in all it's glory.") and ChloeSack™ ("All woozy...since JackSack™ has returned!")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!

This shortened version of the "24" intro was brought to you by "Short Attention Spans 'R Us...proudly serving people ever...oooooh...something SHINY!

Viewer impression is revised.

Yay!!! VDA!!! Let's hope we NEEEEED it!!!

*SNORK* @ Ford!

Will Lisa be doing some tail-wagging?

Viewer repression is disguised....

Double Spit-Take . . ."Just slipped outa my mouth"
missed Cat this week.

Present. And I've got two magnums sitting on the table as I take part in the liveblog tonight. One is a gun and I'm keeping it loaded.

The other is a bottle and it's keeping me loaded.

And with Awwwdrey having rejoined the cast - and acting even more whiney and looney than she usually does - I may just need both of them to get me through this night.

Viewer ingestion is advised...

Zactly, DD!

Ford - love the ersatz sonnet....

Fleas, I'm tellin' ya...that's what they did to her. Lots and lots of fleas. And we didn't get to watch.

I'm pleased to offer up a thanks to Ford
Whose sonnet gives us Audrey tried and true.
If while watching Jack tonight you're bored,
Then re-read Ford and snork a time or two!

William Devane!!! Yeah!!

Awdrey has been rendered stooopid. Well, actually, her true nature has been freed.

I'm here!

Ricky's talkin' gibberish to Awwwwwudrey

Well, as long as you think I'm Jack, how bout we....

Exactly, Bethie!! Ingestion of heavy duty alcohol, preferably laced with cyanide to avoid a slow death by beating from the WDG.

Audrey Raines is acting like a broken record and tells everyone " Help me Jack" . Not everyone can be Jack Bauer. God only created one.

*waves @ Suzy Q*

Hiya!!! How's the boytoy?

Wow, a little bit of torture, and you, too! can run CTU. (a small price to pay)

"She's completely nonresponsive"

That's different......how????

"A Hard Day"? He's been drilled in the shoulder and personally armed nukes that could have killed millions...I'm pretty sure I left work early one time because I had a headache.

Yeah, I saved Jack, but damn, the component!

Jack went against a direct order from the White House. This is nobody's fault but the White House's.

Help me Bauer-Wan. You're our only, oooh ... shiny.

YAY!!!!! They want to bring Awwwwdrey in to CTU Medical! AWWWWDREY's gonna DIE!!!!!

*does jiggly happy dance of joy*

SNORK at Ford and Dave's CTU response team.

Is there a show that William Devane hasn't shown up on? He's like the Claude Rains of TV.

Finally, CTU has a boss who is willing to tell its employees to just shut up about their personal issues and do their damn jobs.

I really like Nadia. Hope she doesn't turn out to be the spy...

Nooo...don't put her in the same chopper as Jack...that way her chopper can go down in flames and Jack lives...

Hey, DD! Oh, the boytoy's long gone. Kicked him to the curb a coupla weeks ago. I'm onto a new one now, whom I may or may not have killed. *pokes inert man with toe*

Oh, Karen. You're just SO boring!

Help me Bauer-Wan. You're our only, oooh ... shiny.

It's OK, TH - she's goin' to CTU Medical. Nobody comes back from there alive.

Hey, you're Jack Daniel from Stargate SG1!

Ah, bleeah, bleeah, bleeah, ah that's all folks!

Commence Rump Presentation!!

VP: So, Karen, I hear you're probably getting divorced.
Karen: Yeah...
VP: I value your council, and your BEAUTIFUL body...

Who's that with alien blondie?

I'd just like to say I am very disappointed with the Chinese subplot this year. They had SUCH an opportunity to do great things with it -- they could have brainwashed Jack! Made him become evil, and work for them! We could have had double-agent stories and loyalty themes and a vicious internal battle for Jack's soul.

What did we get instead? A Chinese "villain" whose voice reminds me of the guy down the street at Hunan Wok. Give me a break.

And the worst part is: I'm still dead.

They've got half and hour! So that's what half the show is gonna be about tonight!

She's not wearing The Revolutionary Push Up Bra....you'd think with all those ads, they'd have paid for placement.

Daniel has ascended to 24!!!!

Should we call 911, Suz? You need a man with more stamina. Just sayin'.

Darth Boothe and The Kremlin things could get hot especially his blonde assistant

Oh, the Wooden Random Dialogue Generator is working OVERTIME tonight! I already feel a nap coming on.

She is having an affair with Dr. Daniel Jackson from Stargate?

Stop the Chinese with leaving the country with the device...HA! They're already copied it and it's being sold at dollar stores around the entire country...

Aw, Edgar. We still love you, even though you're still dead.

At least we have an acting president, as opposed to our previous, non-acting one.

...how the heck did the Russians find out about the circuit boards so fast?

Revolutionary Cisco push-up telepresence!

Daniel has ascended to 24!!!!

The chick who is in charge now has GOT to be the mole, cause she's in charge now!

*snork* TH.... Isn't your comment recycled from last week? Well, if they can do it, why can't we?

Did they outsource white house sattelite feeds to Cisco. I thought the White House had its own sattelite feeds.

Chinese swearwords!

Necessary expertise?!? Uh oh...I think someone's going to get drilled again!

Jack has the necessary expertise!

Actually, DD, he's only here in spirit. And I haven't tested his stamina...yet. Thing is, he disappeared 3 days ago, for no apparent reason. I'm thinking alligators got him. Or global warming. Or the Chinese subplot.

So...they talk to each other in English, then he swears in Chinese? WTF?

Hey, Noah: Since Russian President Subaru - did I actually hear Noah call him that? - just threatened to attack America over the circuit board, shouldn't you be calling the Joint Chiefs right now and, I dunno, letting them know we're going to Defcon One right now?

"We'll have to find someone with the expertise."

Aww crap, the Chinese are going to drill Morris now.

I still think Luke is the mole.....after all, he's wearing black all the time. If he were a good guy, he'd wear white.

Morris AGAIN, right?!?...

Ah. Well, get crackin' girl! Some of us LIVE for your (s)exploits 'cuz we ain't got none of our own.... *sigh* (no matter what we wear to serve drinks in on the blog)

Uh oh, they need Circuit Board fixin' and Morris is already having a bad day!

Was Evil Lisa part of the Victoria's Secret IPEX commercial? Wheee!...

BOY - if this is real time...talk about yer quickies!!!

Evil Daniel Jackson! NO! BAD DANIEL JACKSON, BAD!

Who IS that guy???

*snork* at Deskdiva. I was just thinking that.

Man all kinds of downloads going on there, Lisa.

A bad lay, that's who he is!

Damn, Lisa's boyfriend-on-the-side didn't last much longer than Darth Boothe would have.

Deskdiva, you need to send her that "jackrabbit" link, pronto.

Chloe looks like some sort of cyborg.

Ah, the guy is "pumping" Lisa for the secrets! Clever!!

Chloe! Chloe baby! Don't you get all schmoopy about Morris again. We need you to be tough! And snippy!

Go back to Chloe, Jack. Audrey can be perfectly happy with Morris.

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