Nothing really happened last week, unless you count President Gary Payton of Your World Champion For At Least Another Few Hours Miami Heat lapsing into roughly his 14th coma. Other than that it was pretty much blah blah blah until the very end, when Jack pulled a gun on former child Ricky Schroder and went off on -- Surprise! -- a Rogue Operation. He's going to see Cheng, the evil Chinese subplot who's holding Audrey hostage somewhere in -- Surprise! -- the Los Angeles area, where pretty much every other building contains at least one terrorist mastermind.
Jack's Rogue Operation plan is to save Audrey by giving Cheng the Top Secret circuit board that he got from the suitcase nuclear bombs that at one time we hoped -- How young and stupid we were! -- would develop into some kind of plot, but which turned out to be mainly a circuit-board delivery device. Jack's plan is to blow himself and the circuit board and Cheng up once he has freed Audrey, but color us doubtful. Jack's plan is of course opposed by acting president Darth Boothe, whose entire domestic and foreign policy consists of opposing Jack's plans.
Edgar is still dead. Let's face it: This season is, too, ever since the writers made the clinically insane decision to replace the threat of nuclear devastation with the threat of something bad happening to Audrey. At this point the only thing that keeps us watching is the hope that the good people at Victoria's Secret will continue their commendable campaign to keep the public informed regarding the new Extreme Plunge Push-Up Brassiere. So we will be hanging in tonight as best we can, awaiting clarification from the Amazing Steve.
UPDATE: Here's my badge, extra!
UPDATE: All available resources, against Jack? Hahahaha.
UPDATE: I know I have said this before, but: CTU could not track an elephant through a closet.
UPDATE: "Policy-wise, we are in alignment." This is also how Tom picks up chicks.
UPDATE: Wow. Even the Chinese dialog sounds wooden.
UPDATE: Darth Boothe, you HOUND DOG!
UPDATE: "The White House is telling me that if the Chinese get hold of this subcircuit board, we'll have an international incident on our hands." Thanks, Scriptwriters!
UPDATE: New subplot time!
UPDATE: Ah! Jack Bauer! So he's still in this series.
UPDATE: I'm sorry, but I don't care whether Bill or Karen goes down. Which is not in any way a reference to what is going on in the Oval Office.
UPDATE: That's IT??? We see TWO SECONDS OF JACK and then it's BACK TO THE FREAKING WHITE HOUSE?????
UPDATE: They should change the name of this show to "White House Gasbags."
UPDATE: JACK GOT BILL'S VOICEMAIL!
UPDATE: I'm sorry, but that just struck me as funny. I mean, this is a show where no matter WHAT situation Jack is in -- including clinging to the undercarriage of a nuclear terrorist garbage truck -- Jack always can get through immediately to anybody, anywhere, including the president. But THIS time he gets voicemail.
UPDATE: This is an excellent time for Bill to be pondering personnel matters. Nothing else going on!
UPDATE: This is the worst episode padding EVER.
UPDATE: "The public will make assumptions that don't exist." Huh?
UPDATE: Of course agent Ricky has no backup whatsoever. That would be crazy!
UPDATE: Don't ask any questions! I'm part of a subplot!
UPDATE: I have wasted the best years of my life watching this season.
UPDATE: So, do we think we're building toward the One Minute of Actual Action, and then the Shocking Plot Twist? Or what?
UPDATE: Wow! They are going to send help for Ricky! Having shrewdly waited until it is way too late.
UPDATE: Wouldn't it be cool if Jack said, "Whoa! Audrey! Have you gained weight?"
UPDATE: Ummm.... Couldn't the 97 Chinese guys just, you know, shoot Jack?
UPDATE: OK, if this guy gets away from CTU, then this is officially the least competent federal bureau EVER.
UPDATE: Wow! THREE CARS!! That is so CLEVER!! No way could the entire United States government successfully track THREE CARS!!!
UPDATE: The only explanation is that the writers, when they developed this "plot," were smoking a very high grade of crack.
UPDATE: Next week, Jack is under arrest. For a change! We now turn you over to the Amazing Steve, the lone ray of hope in this hideous formless mass of a season.