24

There is no way to sugar-coat this: Audrey is back. It makes us yearn for the good old hours when all we had to worry about was nuclear devastation.

Speaking of which: The terrorists this year have been pathetic. They had all those suitcase nukes, and they managed to cause one lousy explosion, which at this point feels like it happened back in the Clinton administration. Last week Jack terminated the lone remaining terrorist submastermind that we know of, Fayed, following a dramatic sanitation-truck sequence, which, according to the Official 24 website episode summary, included this scene:

10:46 P.M.

Jack is clinging to the undercarriage of the truck, just inches from the asphalt that speeds past his head.

That's right: Jack was inches from speeding asphalt. Incredibly, he survived and managed to kill all the terrorist extras and get the suitcase nukes. But just when we thought the crisis was over and the season was going to end after 17 episodes, Jack's co-agent, Former Child Ricky Schroder, got a call for Jack. He handed his cell phone to Jack. On the other end was somebody Jack had been led to believe was dead: Edgar.

No, sorry, Edgar is still dead. On the other end was Audrey, and as Jack always does when Audrey rears her whiny head, he started having Feelings and turned into Mr. I-Have-To-Save-Audrey. She is being held prisoner in a Chinese Subplot by Cheng Zhi, who is obviously evil, although we do not yet know what evil rank he holds (submastermind, mastermind, or puppetmaster).

Meanwhile President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat turned out not to be a homicidal lunatic after all. That is the bad news. The good news is, he appears to be about ready to lapse back into his coma, which means we can at least hope to see the return to power of Vice President Darth Boothe.

Speaking of returning: Sooner or later Jack's father needs to reappear in the plot, right? Or was that last year? Not that it matters! The way it's going, we may even see Marwan. Whatever happens, we will be ready. And so will the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: Right. Like Jack would go to a hospital.

UPDATE: I thought Ricky was going to kiss Jack.

UPDATE: Let her die, Jack! For the good of humanity, particularly the viewers!

UPDATE: I really hate the bunker.

UPDATE: Do you get the feeling the prez is about to keel?

UPDATE: "Jack, we both know that if we do this, it will create an international situation, big time."

UPDATE: Has there EVER been a federal bureau less secure than CTU?

UPDATE: Whoa! The Victoria's Secret Extreme Plunge Pushup is WAAAAYYYYY more interesting than the Boyfriend Trouser.

UPDATE: Is President Gary Payton the worst actor ever? Or what? And I include Lassie in that statement.

UPDATE: Actually, I guess Lassie was an actress.

UPDATE: Oooh. Morris has a logging program, and he knows about the downloaded updated schematics!

UPDATE: Whoever really is in charge of our nuclear security better be nothing at all like these people.

UPDATE: Jack vs. the entire US military... No contest!

UPDATE: Wow. Two whole soldiers guarding the bombs! No sense taking chances!

UPDATE: Don't worry! Just a severe blow to Jack's head! He'll be fine!

UPDATE: "Whatever you have planned, Jack, I can't let you do it." Har.

UPDATE: So after a nuclear crisis -- including a bomb going off in California -- the president sits around watching television?

UPDATE: Jack gives his Word to somebody about every nine minutes.

UPDATE: Right! Risk world war FOR AUDREY!!

UPDATE: We need more information on the Victoria's Secret Extreme Plunge Pushup.

UPDATE: He wants Ricky to help with Audrey's extraction.

UPDATE: Apparently Jack intends to kill himself. Smart! He will not have to deliver any more of this dialog.

UPDATE: Also apparently Morris is completely over getting electric-drilled in the shoulder.

UPDATE: Wait a minute: Cheng and Audrey are in Los Angeles?

UPDATE: Oooh! Darth Boothe! You rascal!

UPDATE: I am still predicting impending presidential keelage.

UPDATE: Told you.

UPDATE: Not Bethesda!

UPDATE: I for one welcome the Darth Boothe administration.

UPDATE: For the record: Basically no action in this episode so far.

UPDATE: I think when it's all over, they should show Bill in his condo, wearing a dress.

UPDATE: For the record: Drums in the soundtrack are not a substitute for action.

UPDATE: Well, that was lame.

UPDATE: Next week, at least some shooting, and a helicopter. Hey, we will take what we can get. And now... eventually... The Amazing Steve!

Comments

[CJrun]

Oh My Goodness, the Chinese and Awdrey are in LA! Dumb Luck!!

[MJ]

BRING BACK JAMES HELLER! DAMNIT!

[OhioNora]

Cheng's accent sound like the one used by the Bruce Lee character in Kentucky Fried Movie! Too funny!!

[DeskDiva]

Well, Jack, then let's all have a glass of whine in Awwdrey's "honor."

I'll take the Mogen David. It should have enough sugar content.

[Jessica R.]

We've got twenty minutes; think something is going to happen soon? Audrey hasn't had a chance to weep yet.

[ArcticAl]

Oh boy, more VP back stabbing! And Blondie's got the hots for him.

[danceswithvowels]

Watch out Tom!!!

[Suzy Q]

VP Darth Boothe. Oh, no. Are you mellllting?

[baligurl]

homey: "Better to ask forgiveness than permission..."

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Hmmm...ring on his finger...no ring on her finger...

[Suzy Q]

VP Darth Boothe. Oh, no. Are you mellllting?

[Wes S.]

We're sorry, too: VP Darth Boothe made a better - certainly more entertaining - President than Wayne Allstate.

[Aaronak]

Kill her! It's what any self-respecting 24 bad guy would do!

[MJ]

THE JACK SACK HAS RETURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jeannie]

Dump him!

[homeybeef]

EWW. Please. No hand holding.... That's just not subtle.

[tw]

Yup. That clinches it. President Palmer is keeling over at the press conference!

[Edgar Greenberg]

Dave, I got it! What if we send Audrey to India. He he.

[WA2CHI]

If the VP is going down,his assistantis going down too, if you get my drift.

[Suzy Q]

Wow, Prez Payton looks GREAT for a guy who was almost dead an hour ago!

[Jake]

The President is sooooo going to keel over and Daniels will be Prez.

[Wes S.]

That has got to be the worst Presidential statement ever conceived. Unless Wayne Allstate keels over at the end of the Q and A...

[Jeannie]

The worst has passed. Something is going to go wrong....

[tropichunt.com guy™]

The president's going down...that letter means nothing. Mark my words!

[ArcticAl]

He's meltinggggg.....on prime time TV too!

[homeybeef]

*snork!*

"Based on the intelligence I've seen...."

There was intelligence floating around here? Who knew? Couldn't prove it by me.

[Suzy Q]

Thre is absolutely NO WAY there are any more of those types of weapons on American soil. Nosiree, bob, nope! Cross my heart!

[Cheesewiz]

timber

[tw]

He's going down....

[homeybeef]

FrankenWayne wants national healing....

*drinks*

[Yelwrose]

Over he goooeeessssssssssssssssssssss

[Jessica R.]

The castle ARGHHHH....Perhaps he was dictating...

[danceswithvowels]

The drone implant is short-circuiting!

[Edgar Greenberg]

I wonder what they would do to her. Heh heh.

[OhioNora]

You called it, tw!

[Jake]

That was way tooo predictable. Oh well.

[jtait]

way to call it was

[Wes S.]

...And there he goes! Welcome your 44th President, Darth Boothe!

[Aaronak]

Yeah, that was pretty predictable.

[Jeannie]

OOHH! With the resignation letter in his hand!

[steve-o]

It's all so sad, ruining the VP's resignation like that

[Suzy Q]

Manchurian Candidate, anyone?

[Mike Marsh]

The Veep putting his resignation into his jacket pocket not-so-surreptitiously? Comedy gold!

[MJ]

Secretary of Defense William Devane for President!

[CJrun]

Thanks for the update on the Extreme Plunge Pushup, but don't miss the All-over Stretch Lace Hipikini at the bottom of the page!

[Chris Webb]

*tears of joy* YES, YES, IT IS EXTREME! PRAISE GOD.

-cw

[homeybeef]

Oh, whataworld, whataworld!

[Suzy Q]

Hey! Victoria Secret has an EXTREMEly sexy bra! You MUST BUY IT!!!!!

[Travis]

Does Payton get a pair of free throws for that flop?

[Wes S.]

Better drop that resignation letter into the nearest shredder, Darth...you know Weasel Tom is still sniffing around.

So that should be Darth's first act as President. His next act should be firing Tom.

[Aaronak]

Now do we get to hear the VP's speech?

"Everything you just heard about dismantling, and not resorting to extreme measures, was obviously the product of a deranged mind. Of course we will put Muslims in concentration camps and nuke XXXXXXstan. Now, any questions?"

In other news, this is the second time the President's speech has been ruined this season.

[CJrun]

Nice call on the keelage!

[Jessica R.]

Is the one armed guy under the pier really dead? Where are all the missing subplots?

[Kali.Amanda]

Suzy is my new hero! (my advice: TWINS)

[homeybeef]

Ahhhh. More VS....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...........

[Bethie]

They do have my size.

[danceswithvowels]

So Wayne karks, Tom gets Darth locked up, and Speaker of the House Sanjaya becomes Goodhands.

[Chris Webb]

"Anytime soon..."

Sooooo... like this season?

-cw

[Bethie]

This was unfortunate for the country and the Prez, but I'm feeling pretty good about it.

[homeybeef]

If NOW's not the time for recriminations, when is?!

[Suzy Q]

*waves to Kali*

I think I'd outdo twins, too. These young 'uns always underestimate the older wimmens. Especially when they don't know how old we are!!! *heheh*

[OhioNora]

Wayne put the deal with Jack in a MEMO???

[homeybeef]

I can only use my powers for good....

[Jessica R.]

Think that sexy pushup bra comes in a "Almost A" cup? If not, I don't think it will help me.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oval...blah blah blah...

[ArcticAl]

The Vep should get an Oscar for his excellent acting and displaying of sympathy for the Pres.

[Bethie]

Oh great. It's over,Jack.

[WA2CHI]

Will Daniels recall Jack from his mission? Will Jack's battery mysteriously go bad?

[OhioNora]

Presidents handing military information over to the Chinese! Like that's never happened...

[homeybeef]

Suzy, please pass this information on to the 24-year-old I'm actively courting. He seems to be a little shy about the fact that my 37th birthday is tomorrow....

[Kali.Amanda]

rogue jack coming up!

[WoosterGirl]

I think this is the first ep which shows an actual Oval Office set.

24 must be doin' reeeeeeeeeeal good.

[Suzy Q]

OMG, the Biscuit! He walks...and talks! I really HAVE missed some stuff.

[ArcticAl]

OOOHHHHHHHH! "I can't trust you Chloe!" Them's fighting words!

[MJ]

Like a President can stop Jack? Puhlease.

[Wes S.]

OK. They gave Jack a bomb...now they're going to call off the operation to rescue Awwwdrey...and call Jack back to CTU. With a freakin' BOMB.

What part of this CAN'T go wrong?

[Deskdiva, getting a little carried away posting as homeybeef]

Suzy, please pass this information on to the 24-year-old I'm actively courting. He seems to be a little shy about the fact that my 37th birthday is tomorrow....

[Kali.Amanda]

road blocks without perimeters? that can't contain our Jack?!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Disarm Jack...what is he going to do, remove Jack's arms?!?!

[MJ]

Like Jack is going to buy that load of BS!

[WoosterGirl]

Oooo, shoot 'im!

I knew it! The old "shot my partner" trick!

[Bethie]

And the suspense is suspensful for another week!

[steve-o]

I'd love to go to the 24 Christmas party, just to hear the stories!

[danceswithvowels]

Ah, good DD. Thanks for clarifying!

[Wes S.]

Well...see what I mean?

[Travis]

WORST
EPISODE
EVER!!!!!

[Jessica R.]

Jack can't go against the White House? Since When?

[ArcticAl]

"I killed my partner and my friend earlier today for getting in my way. Don't think I won't kill you." Jack is such a sweet talker. Wouldn't you want to be his friend?

[Suzy Q]

homeybeef, my big secret and advice to you is to lie. Lie like a big fake rug about your age, if it's not too late. I think my boy toy is lying up about his age, and I know I'm lying down (oh yes, pun intended), but we meet in the middle and everyone's happy!

[Jeannie]

That's it?

[Deskdiva]

"This is gonna end badly, Jack."

Ooh. Tell us something we don't know....

[OhioNora]

Has anyone even fired a gun yet much less actually shot someone?? ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[WoosterGirl]

Keep calling Jack's name, Ricky. I'm sure he'll turn around and come pick you up.

[danceswithvowels]

Wait, next week's 24 is all new?! That'd be a nice change.

[Aaronak]

Text "24" to "Chloe" and receive free suitcase nuke schematics, right on your phone!

[CJrun]

Well, he can never go against the White House in that vehicle, it'll never go 3,000 miles without calling AAA.

[Kali.Amanda]

Wow, Biblical floods... Someone at Fox has been reading the Illustrated Bible! The know there was water involved and some guy with like tons of pets.

[Wes S.]

Well...that was boring. Except for Wayne Allstate keeling over...except he's been pretty much comatose all season. Even before he was blown up.

[tw]

I blame the lameness of tonight's episode on the utter paucity of Boyfriend Trouser commercials.

[Deskdiva]

*snork* @ Suzy. Toooooooo late for me. He knows. I think he's coming to terms with it an inch at a time. It does help that I'm emotionally still somewhere in my late 20s....