24

There is no way to sugar-coat this: Audrey is back. It makes us yearn for the good old hours when all we had to worry about was nuclear devastation.

Speaking of which: The terrorists this year have been pathetic. They had all those suitcase nukes, and they managed to cause one lousy explosion, which at this point feels like it happened back in the Clinton administration. Last week Jack terminated the lone remaining terrorist submastermind that we know of, Fayed, following a dramatic sanitation-truck sequence, which, according to the Official 24 website episode summary, included this scene:

10:46 P.M.

Jack is clinging to the undercarriage of the truck, just inches from the asphalt that speeds past his head.

That's right: Jack was inches from speeding asphalt. Incredibly, he survived and managed to kill all the terrorist extras and get the suitcase nukes. But just when we thought the crisis was over and the season was going to end after 17 episodes, Jack's co-agent, Former Child Ricky Schroder, got a call for Jack. He handed his cell phone to Jack. On the other end was somebody Jack had been led to believe was dead: Edgar.

No, sorry, Edgar is still dead. On the other end was Audrey, and as Jack always does when Audrey rears her whiny head, he started having Feelings and turned into Mr. I-Have-To-Save-Audrey. She is being held prisoner in a Chinese Subplot by Cheng Zhi, who is obviously evil, although we do not yet know what evil rank he holds (submastermind, mastermind, or puppetmaster).

Meanwhile President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat turned out not to be a homicidal lunatic after all. That is the bad news. The good news is, he appears to be about ready to lapse back into his coma, which means we can at least hope to see the return to power of Vice President Darth Boothe.

Speaking of returning: Sooner or later Jack's father needs to reappear in the plot, right? Or was that last year? Not that it matters! The way it's going, we may even see Marwan. Whatever happens, we will be ready. And so will the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: Right. Like Jack would go to a hospital.

UPDATE: I thought Ricky was going to kiss Jack.

UPDATE: Let her die, Jack! For the good of humanity, particularly the viewers!

UPDATE: I really hate the bunker.

UPDATE: Do you get the feeling the prez is about to keel?

UPDATE: "Jack, we both know that if we do this, it will create an international situation, big time."

UPDATE: Has there EVER been a federal bureau less secure than CTU?

UPDATE: Whoa! The Victoria's Secret Extreme Plunge Pushup is WAAAAYYYYY more interesting than the Boyfriend Trouser.

UPDATE: Is President Gary Payton the worst actor ever? Or what? And I include Lassie in that statement.

UPDATE: Actually, I guess Lassie was an actress.

UPDATE: Oooh. Morris has a logging program, and he knows about the downloaded updated schematics!

UPDATE: Whoever really is in charge of our nuclear security better be nothing at all like these people.

UPDATE: Jack vs. the entire US military... No contest!

UPDATE: Wow. Two whole soldiers guarding the bombs! No sense taking chances!

UPDATE: Don't worry! Just a severe blow to Jack's head! He'll be fine!

UPDATE: "Whatever you have planned, Jack, I can't let you do it." Har.

UPDATE: So after a nuclear crisis -- including a bomb going off in California -- the president sits around watching television?

UPDATE: Jack gives his Word to somebody about every nine minutes.

UPDATE: Right! Risk world war FOR AUDREY!!

UPDATE: We need more information on the Victoria's Secret Extreme Plunge Pushup.

UPDATE: He wants Ricky to help with Audrey's extraction.

UPDATE: Apparently Jack intends to kill himself. Smart! He will not have to deliver any more of this dialog.

UPDATE: Also apparently Morris is completely over getting electric-drilled in the shoulder.

UPDATE: Wait a minute: Cheng and Audrey are in Los Angeles?

UPDATE: Oooh! Darth Boothe! You rascal!

UPDATE: I am still predicting impending presidential keelage.

UPDATE: Told you.

UPDATE: Not Bethesda!

UPDATE: I for one welcome the Darth Boothe administration.

UPDATE: For the record: Basically no action in this episode so far.

UPDATE: I think when it's all over, they should show Bill in his condo, wearing a dress.

UPDATE: For the record: Drums in the soundtrack are not a substitute for action.

UPDATE: Well, that was lame.

UPDATE: Next week, at least some shooting, and a helicopter. Hey, we will take what we can get. And now... eventually... The Amazing Steve!

Comments

[Wes S.]

NO! Don't resign, Darth! Any possibility of excitement emanating from the White House this season goes out the door with you!

[ArcticAl]

So the Prez is trying to learn how to play poker.

[Cheesewiz]

steel cage death match!

[Josh D. Ondich]

Hey Daniels: Strike Three Your out.

[Travis]

Come on, please let there be a fistfight in the oval office!

[DeskDiva]

I. Need. A. Drink.

*orders a round of blogojitos for the entire friggin' blog on her*

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oval blah blah blah...

[WoosterGirl]

Oo, Veep Darth refuses. Big surprise.

[Chris Webb]

TRAP DOOR!

-cw

[Jtait]

what president has a portrait of James Monroe in the Oval Office?

[Jessica R.]

Ok, I finally made it in here. My laptop went all kerflooey, and I had to get my resident computer guru to fix it for me. I can pretty much foul up an electronic device from across the room.

Ok, so Audrey is still alive, and she will be crying soon, you can bet on that one.

I think Noah may cry soon too.

Reality suspension device switched on; Wooden dialog generator deflector on.

[tw]

I sense another Constitutional discussion coming up....if Darth Boothe resigns, and then if Gary Payton keels over, the Speaker of the House is next in line......you don't suppose that'll be William Devane, do you????

[Bethie]

But then if the President dies, Pelosy takes over! Nooooo!

[Wes S.]

Protocols! Drink!

*glug*

[steve-o]

I hope Tom has a few ..aahhh...copies of that tape...I hope he's not sitting down in the White House basement in a lawn chair or something by himself...

[ShellyVolante]

The Prez grew a pair!

[MJ]

Love the Chloe-panic mode.

[Allen at Division]

Uh-oh.... Is that a vulture on Tom's shoulder? A target on his back? Bummer of a birthmark, Hal...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oh, there's a good idea. FLY the bombs out...maybe it'll be on JetBlue, and they'll sit on the tarmac for the rest of the show...

[danceswithvowels]

Hang on Morris, I'm going to buy you a drink. You'll need it.

[ArcticAl]

"Jack gave me his word." Good argument Chloe.

[rob]

They used MALE dogs for Lassie

[Bethie]

Jack said so dumbass!

[WoosterGirl]

Jack and his word. Piffle.

[Peg Leg Pete, CPA]

Don't Audey and Morris make a cute couple?

[Momanon]

I'm gonna! Nuh-uh!

[Josh D. Ondich]

Presidential Succession makes me creep out if something ever happen to George W. Bush. We would have Dick Cheney as President. President Haliburton.

[Chris Webb]

Will the poontang win? HORAY, CHLOE 1, WOMEN'S NON-LIB 0

[Wes S.]

Chloe, report to the principal's office.

[Bethie]

STupid! She should have black mailed him over the drinking!!

[Cheesewiz]

Since plot doesn't matter, Morris should be the replacement VP

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Chloe should have taser'd him...that would have bought Jack as much time as he needs to save Aud....DAMNIT! WHY THAT AGAIN!??!

[homeybeef]

Being Chloe means never having to say you're sorry! >:(

[Jessica R.]

Somebody turn on Dave's reality suspension device.

Dave, you see our counter-terrorist people at the Miami International Airport and lost luggage center all the time!

[Bethie]

Jack is sooo gonna be in trouble for that!

[ArcticAl]

Pretty wimpy guards if all you have to do is yell at them and say you'll tell the president.

[homeybeef]

Ooh. Jack's gonna take names and they fold like little girls.

[Wes S.]

UPDATE: Whoever really is in charge of our nuclear security better be nothing at all like these people.

Actually, they may be worse. Don't we hear about numerous disappearing Department of Energy laptops full of classified information about every six months?

[MJ]

They cower at Bauer. Wimps.

[Dom Casual]

that sucked.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Evil Luke Skywalker is going to steal that chip. Mark my words.

[danceswithvowels]

Ricky's saving us from Audrey?

[Jessica R.]

Ok, new plot twist Jack is both dead and under arrest and probably fired...AGAIN!

[Bethie]

Oh hell. What's he gonna do now?? He only has about twelve hours left!

[Peg Leg Pete, CPA]

It's way more entertaining when Jack gets tasered instead of whacked...

[Josh D. Ondich]

Bauer is going to Federal Pen(Prison)

[homeybeef]

Luke has joined the Dark Side....

[Kali.Amanda]

Do you think the writer's put us through this torture just to let Audrey die because Jack got delayed posting bail or something?

Because that would be lame and yet sweet...

[jt]

At least he didn't hit Jack in one of those floating rib fragments...

[Wes S.]

Ricky needs to button up his shirt collar. His circumcision scar is showing...

[Cheesewiz]

We need a new blog-show next year. This one is worn out.

[Zachariah]

Brilliant, as always.

Bauer will die--that's the big surprise (Sutherland's contract isn't over yet, so no one's expecting it).
Doyle will replace him.

[ArcticAl]

That's got to hurt. But not for Jack.

[Bethie]

Well, if the Chinese reeeaaally need that stuff, they'll wait.

[WriterDude]

DD -- really and truly Dave. So now I'll point out that you read that all wrong apologize for the confusion I caused. Better now? ;-)

[DeskDiva]

*snork* @ Wes.

You know what these writers need? Some of mud's fart-ku....

[Peg Leg Pete, CPA]

Pweeeze, Bill?

[Yelwrose]

Cheeswiz, I nominate Dexter on Showtime. Lots of gore and twisty plots.

[ArcticAl]

Jack's going right to the top.

[Jessica R.]

What plot should we recycle next? I want Marwan back!

[Wes S.]

Mistake number one: they cuffed Jack's hands in front of him.

If they'd cuffed them behind his back, it might have added an extra thirty seconds to a minute to Jack's inevitable escape.

[MJ]

"I understand what Audrey means to you, but we here at CTU could care less about her."

[MJ]

Oh, are we voting for recycled plots? BRING BACK BEHROOZ!!!!!!!!

[homeybeef]

Bill understands what Awwwdrey means to Jack.

Yes, Bill but do you understand what she means to us?

[MJ]

Wayne looked absolutely horrified to find out Audrey was still alive.

[tw]

"The full resources of this country to get Audrey back?"

NOOOOOOO!

[Peg Leg Pete, CPA]

His word...again

[Suzy Q]

*pops in unexpectedly*

Hi, All! I kicked the boy out...well, after I was done with him. The young ones; they tire so easily. Sigh.

A BIG Thank You to DeskDiva for taking over my duties.

I have NO IDEA what's happened on 24 in the last hour and a half (week and a half?), so bear with me.

I have a big glass of wine, and I'm ready!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

HA! Everything winds up in Chinese hands! How else do they make cheap knockoffs of stuff??!

[ArcticAl]

Trust me Mr. President. I give you my word.

That's Jack giving his word twice in 10 minutes.

[Cheesewiz]

Sounds crazy but it just might work.

[Bethie]

Jack, you'll find other love...

[MJ]

Jack's going to sacrifice himself, part 8 (of this season alone)

[Suzy Q]

The Prez owes Jack? Did he borrow a tenner?

[Jessica R.]

Geez, Dave, it was just a tiny little nuke they didn't even realize it wasn't just a heavy smog day in California!

[Bethie]

I feel free to be really sick of that commercial.

[Allen at Division]

Yeah, 'cause the CTU tracking devices have been SO effective!!

[Wes S.]

I suppose that one of these days one of Jack's self-sacrifices will stick and he'll actually die.

Not that mere death has ever stopped him before...

[bauerbabe]

Whatever one thinks of Wayne Palmer, he's the first guy in six years that has listened to Jack. Bless you, Wayne.

[steve-o]

Jack gives his all to get back that which we would gladly sacrifice...no, not the plot, Audrey..

[ShoeShineBoy]

Imbed a tracking device? Why not a bomb.

[DeskDiva]

*waves at Suzy*

HI!!!! Did you see I got a bona-fide-and-for-real shoutout from DAVE?! I'm beyond ecstatic right now.

PS - It was fun being you. I'm being homeybeef from time to time, too.

Here's hoping I can keep it all straight!

*chugs a blogojito*
*passes one to SuzyQ*

[ArcticAl]

He wasn't good enough for you Suzy Q. If he didn't watch 24, he wasn't up to this blog's high standards. He probably likes Barry M too.

[Aaronak]

Wayne is only listening to Jack because he was holding President Allstate's portrait earlier, and he usually did listen to Jack.

[ArcticAl]

Get over here! Wow Ricky's pissed.

[OtheU(manity)]

MDT response to Dave's update:

... um ... the dog who played Lassie wuz a male-type-gender canine ... you could look it up ...

(no ... I din't heinz to see if NEbuddy else pointed out this fact ... if sumbuddy did, I'm sorry for intrudin' ...)

[CJrun]

*note to self: no more BBQ chicken. it makes it hard to type and either it, or the Dialogue Generator have the Tryptophan thing going. or maybe the beer.*

[Wes S.]

Imbed a tracking device? Why not a bomb?

SSB, the only thing that came to mind when you said that was "Man on Fire."

"You have four minutes, Jack..."

[MJ]

That was a very flirty look from Doyle. I think he has a crush on Mr. Bowah.

[danceswithvowels]

Jack will strap the 25th Amendment to the back of the algorithm board and fake Curtis's death again. And bring Audrey back in Oleg's cab. What number is that on the Bristol scale?

[tw]

Dave, great link to Victoria's Secret! Whattya think of the Hipkini??? That looks even more interesting than the revolutionary pushup bra!

[DeskDiva]

Oh, Al - did you HAVE to mention the Manless One tonight? It was going sooooo well until then....

[Cheesewiz]

I think Morris should be a guest commenter on this blog after he is killed off.

[Wes S.]

Glad to see Ricky took my advice and donned a jacket with a higher collar...

[MJ]

Milo and Nadia enter from backstage, after sitting there the entire episode waiting for their cue.

[WA2CHI]

Morris has already been thru a divorce---he should realize women never forget anything

[homeybeef]

I so love Chloe-logic. "I didn't ask your permission because I knew you'd say no...duh!"

[baligurl]

I adore Chloe...

[Suzy Q]

Hey, Dd! Thanks for holding the fort so very gracefully in my absence. Dave gave you a shout-out? Where? Yay, you!!!

AA: We're not done with each other yet. Just for tonight. Hopefully, Monday nights won't become a habit.

Oh crap. Audrey's back? I KNEW Jack would have to have some sort of distraction from the s-nukes. Hey, are there any of those left?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

JACKSACK™! JACKSACK™! JACKSACK™!