24

There is no way to sugar-coat this: Audrey is back. It makes us yearn for the good old hours when all we had to worry about was nuclear devastation.

Speaking of which: The terrorists this year have been pathetic. They had all those suitcase nukes, and they managed to cause one lousy explosion, which at this point feels like it happened back in the Clinton administration. Last week Jack terminated the lone remaining terrorist submastermind that we know of, Fayed, following a dramatic sanitation-truck sequence, which, according to the Official 24 website episode summary, included this scene:

10:46 P.M.

Jack is clinging to the undercarriage of the truck, just inches from the asphalt that speeds past his head.

That's right: Jack was inches from speeding asphalt. Incredibly, he survived and managed to kill all the terrorist extras and get the suitcase nukes. But just when we thought the crisis was over and the season was going to end after 17 episodes, Jack's co-agent, Former Child Ricky Schroder, got a call for Jack. He handed his cell phone to Jack. On the other end was somebody Jack had been led to believe was dead: Edgar.

No, sorry, Edgar is still dead. On the other end was Audrey, and as Jack always does when Audrey rears her whiny head, he started having Feelings and turned into Mr. I-Have-To-Save-Audrey. She is being held prisoner in a Chinese Subplot by Cheng Zhi, who is obviously evil, although we do not yet know what evil rank he holds (submastermind, mastermind, or puppetmaster).

Meanwhile President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat turned out not to be a homicidal lunatic after all. That is the bad news. The good news is, he appears to be about ready to lapse back into his coma, which means we can at least hope to see the return to power of Vice President Darth Boothe.

Speaking of returning: Sooner or later Jack's father needs to reappear in the plot, right? Or was that last year? Not that it matters! The way it's going, we may even see Marwan. Whatever happens, we will be ready. And so will the Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: Right. Like Jack would go to a hospital.

UPDATE: I thought Ricky was going to kiss Jack.

UPDATE: Let her die, Jack! For the good of humanity, particularly the viewers!

UPDATE: I really hate the bunker.

UPDATE: Do you get the feeling the prez is about to keel?

UPDATE: "Jack, we both know that if we do this, it will create an international situation, big time."

UPDATE: Has there EVER been a federal bureau less secure than CTU?

UPDATE: Whoa! The Victoria's Secret Extreme Plunge Pushup is WAAAAYYYYY more interesting than the Boyfriend Trouser.

UPDATE: Is President Gary Payton the worst actor ever? Or what? And I include Lassie in that statement.

UPDATE: Actually, I guess Lassie was an actress.

UPDATE: Oooh. Morris has a logging program, and he knows about the downloaded updated schematics!

UPDATE: Whoever really is in charge of our nuclear security better be nothing at all like these people.

UPDATE: Jack vs. the entire US military... No contest!

UPDATE: Wow. Two whole soldiers guarding the bombs! No sense taking chances!

UPDATE: Don't worry! Just a severe blow to Jack's head! He'll be fine!

UPDATE: "Whatever you have planned, Jack, I can't let you do it." Har.

UPDATE: So after a nuclear crisis -- including a bomb going off in California -- the president sits around watching television?

UPDATE: Jack gives his Word to somebody about every nine minutes.

UPDATE: Right! Risk world war FOR AUDREY!!

UPDATE: We need more information on the Victoria's Secret Extreme Plunge Pushup.

UPDATE: He wants Ricky to help with Audrey's extraction.

UPDATE: Apparently Jack intends to kill himself. Smart! He will not have to deliver any more of this dialog.

UPDATE: Also apparently Morris is completely over getting electric-drilled in the shoulder.

UPDATE: Wait a minute: Cheng and Audrey are in Los Angeles?

UPDATE: Oooh! Darth Boothe! You rascal!

UPDATE: I am still predicting impending presidential keelage.

UPDATE: Told you.

UPDATE: Not Bethesda!

UPDATE: I for one welcome the Darth Boothe administration.

UPDATE: For the record: Basically no action in this episode so far.

UPDATE: I think when it's all over, they should show Bill in his condo, wearing a dress.

UPDATE: For the record: Drums in the soundtrack are not a substitute for action.

UPDATE: Well, that was lame.

UPDATE: Next week, at least some shooting, and a helicopter. Hey, we will take what we can get. And now... eventually... The Amazing Steve!

Comments

[DeskDiva]

Is it a first? Can I POSSIBLY have a 24 first?

[DeskDiva]

And here's hoping that Viewer Discretion will really be needed tonight.

But then again, with Awwwdr--, Awwwd--, shoot with that woman's presence again, I'm certain it will be. ICK.

[WoosterGirl]

OK, second.

No work tonight! Woohoo!

[WriterDude]

Can I have seconds?

[WriterDude]

Damn 'bot made me spell "rbtsag". If only it would!

[DeskDiva]

Attempting the famed 24 hat trick. If I can manage this, the only thing left in life that I will need (besides a husband) will be a shout out from you, Dave! My life is nearly complete....

[DeskDiva]

Ah, well. Close, but no cigar.

[Dave]

(Shouting out:) Hey, DeskDiva!

[WriterDude]

Sorry for my part in that, DD. ;-)

[Val]

I don't think we're in danger of ever hearing THIS before an episode of "24".....

Viewer Discretion

[ArcticAl]

Somebody fan DeskDiva! She's fainted!

[DeskDiva]

WD - you are an evil little man. You had me going for just a moment there. You should be shot.

[Bethie]

He should be shot in the thigh! In the thigh! Maybe we can at least get some action on the Blog!

[Jeannie]

Somehow, being shot in the thigh doesn't seem so funny today. :-(

[ArcticAl]

DeskDiva you didn't want the cigar anyways. It came from Bill Clinton.

[Bethie]

Considering the turn of events, how could anyone possible get shot or blown up tonight? It will take Jack 24 hours at least to get to China.

[Yelwrose]

Jeannie, indeed

[DeskDiva]

Oh, ew, Al. You're darned right. He can keep his cigars to himself.

[Bethie]

Does anyone else think that the Bot purposefully tries to fool you with 9's that look like g's?

[MJ]

*Races in from work, mumbles something about working overtime*

Alright, let's get this party started!

Wooden Dialogue Generator
shield has been installed.

Has everyone made their 2006 contributions to their IRA's? If not, I will be forced to shoot you in the thigh.

[DeskDiva]

I will be checking in for Suzy Q tonight as for two weeks in a row she will be out on a date with a non-24-watching man. I still say he's not good enough for you, Girlfriend! ;)

[homeybeef]

ok, I just miss commenting here during the show. Would anyone mind pretending to be me tonight and maybe untill this class ends in a month? anyone who does will be awesome in my book.

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Ready to go!

[CJrun]

Not, yet READY, except for a chuckle and a ^5 @ Diva and the rest. Please carry on and note El's WestCoast *zip* below!

[Bethie]

What the hell is this show that is on right now? Could it be anymore all over the place and yet nowhere?

[tw]

Over/Under on the number of The Boyfriend Trouser ads tonight: 0.5

[Wes S.]

Hmmm. Exposure to a nuclear blast or exposure to Awwwdrey. Which would be more hazardous?

I guess the same advice applies to both: The lucky ones die fast.

[DeskDiva]

I'll see what I can do after the initial checkin as Suzy here, homey. Shouldn't be too tough to be two people at once.

*remembers preview is her friend*

[homeybeef]

thank you very much. Now back to my snowmen.

[Josh D. Ondich]

I love the 24 website. It is the best tv show website ever created.

[Wes S.]

...And I must say, I like the vintage Dodge Challenger that they gave to Nathan Fillion's character in Drive much better than the late-model Charger they had in the previews.

Sweet. He's leaving them ALL in the dust, with blown-off doors everywhere...

[Homeybeef]

I love Jack!

[Suzy Q who is really out on a date, so DeskDiva is checking in instead]

24 countdown checklist:

Wine: check. red.

Dinner: roast beef and mashed potatoes. eaten.

Blogpeeps: surrounded. more coming.

Blogbar: open and ready for business

Disbelief: suspended, hopefully to an adequate level

*wipes down remaining schmutz from the afternoon*

Let's get ready for THC!!!!

[Josh D. Ondich]

Jack Bauer back in Chinatown.

[MJ]

Wes...was "Drive" pretty good? The previews looked decent...

[Yelwrose]

Viewer discretion!

[ArcticAl]

Viewer Discretion!!!!

[Josh D. Ondich]

Jack Bauer back in Chinatown.

[DeskDiva]

WOOOOHOOO!!!

Viewer discretion!!

Here's hoping we need it! Cheers!

*takes a slug of Suzy's red wine*

[Wes S.]

"Drive" was great, MJ.

But now: IT'S BAUER TIME!

Woohoo!

[Jazzzz]

Diva....it appears when I dropped by last night to tell all of the beautiful bloglit girls hello, global warming caused my post to read "Daniel Frazier". I have NO CLUE as to who that would be!! But he did express my sentiments.............

[danceswithvowels]

Yes, Wes. The new Charger had a large knife, for starters.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
GATORS ARE NATIONAL CHAMPS!
WEEEEE AARRRRRRREEEE THE CHAMPIONNNSSSSSS!!!
DYNASTY! DYNASTY DYNASTY!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("I knew the Gators were going to win. Are you going to question me?!?") and ChloeSack™ ("Of course I didn't reprogram the Buckeye's ports. There was no need. They weren't even in the same league!")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!

Waaaaait! This seems like it's a repeat...oh, wait, 24 writers to the same thing...

[Bethie]

I am having discretion right now.

[MJ]

Bauer vs China! Who cares about Audrey! He just needs to take on a challenge that he could possibly lose!

[Yelwrose]

"If...she dies"

If only.

[MJ]

Jack Bauer doesn't do hospitals. Apparently Ricky didn't get the memo...

[ArcticAl]

Jack's on drugs. And go to a hospital? Never!

[Wes S.]

"The injection will help Jack with the pain?"

Hey, don't we get any? We have to put up with Awwwdrey! What about OUR pain?

Oh, I forgot: that's what the booze is for...

[Bethie]

I think they almost kissed.

[tw]

Luke is taking charge of the nukes? I still think he's the mole......he's working for the Dark Side.

[Yelwrose]

Will Jack ever ask if his daughter is alive or dead?

[Cheesewiz]

are those two going to kiss?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Only Audrey was stupid enough to think that Jack needed help to get out of China...stooooopid Audrey.

[Bethie]

Mista Bowah.

[MJ]

What...the hell?

[steve-o]

I guess this guy's been watching the show..

[Cheesewiz]

Too much expository dialogue but then again it's 24. Nevermind.

[Chris Webb]

Who asks for "virtually all Russian access"?

-cw

[abilicious]

The Chinese Tewwowist Mastewmind's accent makes him sound wike the pwiest fwom The Pwincess Bwide.

[Bethie]

Jinx Dave! I wonder if it said that in the script "......and now he calls Jack "Mista Bowah".

[steve-o]

Audrey, you have nothing to be sorry for...but as for the writers...

[Josh D. Ondich]

New Chinese food phrase " Got Eggroll"

[MJ]

I'm glad I brought my Wooden Dialogue Shield. A sound investment I say.

[DeskDiva being THC for a night, too]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
DRIVE!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("We need to up our sponsor payments to Fox 'cos we're not getting enough coverage on the show!") and ChloeSack™ ("These ramparts are protected! Believe it or I'll taser you!")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!

This intro to "24" is not dedicated to blogit "Suzy Q", for the simple reason that she has chosen some unknown man over Jack Bauer. It's bad enough I'm checking in for her, too.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Ooooh, an hour until Audrey dies if Jack doesn't...come...thru....DAMNIT...you just know he will... :(

[ArcticAl]

Your pizza is free and Audrey dies if it isn't delivered in an hour.

[Aaronak]

Why doesn't Cheng ask for the WET list while he's at it? Jack Bauer is just as likely to give that to him.

[Bethie]

See, I told you Jack would need more that 24 hours!

[DeskDiva NOT being THC for a night, too]

Phew! Mine was completely superfluous. I didn't know you were there and I got worried, Andy. :)

[Travis]

Uh-huh, Karen is breathless after getting off the phone with Bill...

[tw]

Gary Payton doesn't look like he's going to make it through his press conference!

[MJ]

Love the West Wing music. If only I was watching The West Wing.

[steve-o]

Yes, remember Morris, who only this morning was getting his breath smelled? Well, he's coordinating with the marines!

[Wes S.]

Oh goody! Wayne Allstate is leaving the bunker! He's going to keel over in the Oval Office instead!

We might get VP Darth Boothe back after all!

And we get Chloe back, too!

[ArcticAl]

So Jack is using his Chloe back channels again.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I think now is a really good time to discuss the value of Audrey's life vs. anything...ANYTHING...even a napkin.

[Cheesewiz]

Extra hard wooden dialogue generator.

[Kali.Amanda]

Chloe said "Big Time" and "I don't know I can do this" -- both surreal...

[WriterDude]

Uh, DD, why am I evil? That really was Dave; I was apologizing for getting in the way of your hat trick...

[DeskDiva]

*waves at Jazzzz*

Hi!!! Don't worry about last night. ;)

[ArcticAl]

Of course Chloe can do it. She can do anything!

[Aaronak]

Now why would Chloe go along with this? She's not in love with Audrey too, is she?

[steve-o]

This audrey thing was just a ploy to wake up Chloe!

[Bethie]

OMG just in time!

[Wes S.]

I don't see what Chloe's problem was; if all else failed, she could have distracted everybody from the computer by checking Morris' breath again...

[MJ]

Good grief, could they have anymore product placement?!

[ArcticAl]

Its pretty bad when the writers try to create tension by having people waiting for a file to upload.

[Josh D. Ondich]

Why do the Marines trust a accused drunk British Guy?
Times are Desperate!

[DeskDiva]

*keels over in a dead faint*

[abilicious]

That was one fast upload, even for 24.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Dd: Sorry, I got a late start due to the conference I was at. I'm not so sure I made the right choice in leaving early, especially when there was an open bar.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?

[Jeannie]

Dave wrote: Has there EVER been a federal bureau less secure than CTU?

Yes, it's called the Justice Department.

[Bethie]

Well, I know waiting for a file to upload always causes me tension.

[danceswithvowels]

Send Carrot Top to get Audrey. He's got miles and a low threshhold for action.

[tw]

Still love that Victoria's Secret push up bra ad!

[DeskDiva]

*slowly regains consciousness*

Writer - you're not kidding? You didn't do that? I thought that was what you meant. I GOT A REAL SHOUTOUT FROM DAVE?

NURSE TAMMY!!! I need a blood pressure check, STAT!!!

*slowly sinks trembling to the blogcouch*

[Josh D. Ondich]

hey Allstate longtime no see. Your in good hands.

[Kali.Amanda]

is he breaking up with Powers Booth???

[Bethie]

I'd like to thank you and fire you at the same time.