Dave Barry's Blog

ADVISORY TO FLEEING NEVADA RESIDENTS

Whatever you do, do NOT flee to Australia.

(Thansk to Dan Traylor)

ADVISORY TO NEVADA RESIDENTS WITH CHILDREN

Get out now.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

RELENTLESSLY, THE RELENTLESS ATTACKS CONTINUE

(Thanks to Dan Traylor)

"HONEY, WHERE'S ALL THE BEER? HONEY? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

Presenting the Relaxone.

(Via Gizmodo)

MOO

JAPANESE GUY POETRY

...the only warmth in my life is the heated toilet seat.

24

Last week the terrorists, after much delay during which the plot got padded almost beyond recognition, finally launched a drone carrying a nuclear bomb. Needless to say they launched it from the Los Angeles area, because that is where everything happens. You might think that CTU, which is also located in Los Angeles and has satellites that can detect and track pretty much all earthly movement down to the level of individual gnats, would have detected the launch and sent somebody -- at minimum, California state troopers -- to the site to, you know, apprehend the perpetrators, maybe ticket them for drone-launching without a permit. But no. Not only did CTU not send anybody to the launch site, but it also somehow lost track of the drone.

Seriously: Has there ever been a less-competent federal agency than CTU? And yes, we are including FEMA in that statement.

Fortunately the terrorists this year also suffer from Tiny Brain Syndrome, so they decided to locate the guy who was piloting the drone three blocks from CTU headquarters. Yes! We are still trying to imagine the meeting during which the writers conceived of that. So our boy Jack Bauer, despite floating rib fragments, was able  to terminate the drone pilot with extreme killitude, take over the joystick, and, using what appeared to be Microsoft Brand Flight Simulator, land the drone (Why not?) on the deck of an aircraft carrier in San Francisco.

Vice President Powers Boothe, it goes without saying, decided to retaliate by launching a nuclear strike against... OK, we are not sure where. But we're going to launch a nuclear strike against somebody, unless Jack can do something. We don't really care: We're just grateful for Vice President Powers Boothe, who is (a) acting as president, and (b) a complete raving loon, which means he is our best current hope for the plot, unless the terrorists can pull it together.

In other news: Jack found out that Audrey died in China, but we don't believe Audrey can be killed that easily. Edgar, on the other hand, is still dead.

That is where we stand. I am again on childcare duty tonight, but I will make every effort to be here, ready for action.

UPDATE: Wow. That one guy on Prison Break finally killed that other guy.

UPDATE: No, wait, he just impaled him. False alarm! Sorry.

UPDATE: Fresh plasma! The best kind.

UPDATE: How come they call Fayed's country "Fayed's country?" Is that its name?

UPDATE: I got a phone call, if you can imagine. What happened? Why did Fayed choke Gredenko? Who are these people? Why does this person not eat red food? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

UPDATE: Ah! Mark Hauser. I knew it.

UPDATE: Jack's going back Into the Field. Good.

UPDATE: The Old Navy Shorts are WAYYYYYYYYYYy better than the Boyfriend Trouser.

UPDATE: How will they be able to tell when he's out of the coma?

UPDATE: So our missiles are so lame that we can't hit the Middle East without moving the submarine right up next to it?

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. Let's get back to Jack, in the Field.

UPDATE: Thigh shot! It's been too long.

UPDATE: "I'm gonna talk to him first." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: A nuclear power plant! NOW we are getting somewhere.

UPDATE: You'll be fine, Brady. Nobody ever gets hurt with Jack Bauer around.

UPDATE: Did you ever just really need some protocols?

UPDATE: Has there ever been a more dysfunctional workplace than CTU?

UPDATE: Who the hell is Johnson?

UPDATE: The Victoria's Secret bra seriously beats the Old Navy Shorts.

UPDATE: Assault Vectors! Those will be useful.

UPDATE: It's like "The Young and the Restless," but with worse writing.

UPDATE: This is President Payton's best acting by far.

UPDATE: "I need to put it in your ear." Har.

UPDATE: "Remember the position we talked about?" Har.

UPDATE: They're certainly doing all they can to protect Brady, other than not sending him out alone to meet with nuclear terrorists.

UPDATE: UH-oh: The Boyfriend Trouser ad. Where's the tranquilizer dart when you need it?

UODATE: Interrogation!

UPDATE: Wait... is this going to be just talking???

UPDATE: President Payton! He's BACK!

UPDATE: I hope he goes back into a coma soon, because Vice President Homicidal Lunatic is WAY more fun.

UPDATE: Coup! All right!

UPDATE: Next week, shooting, and Jack is PINNED DOWN. Take it, Amazing Steve.

WHY IS THIS BUS DIFFERENT FROM ALL OTHER BUSES?

(Thanks to DavCat14)

WE HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

Project Chloe

(Thanks to Scott Genz)

ODDLY OBESE GAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to pm)

SINGLE GUY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Wendy Wilson)

NEW MEANING FOR THE TERM "DESSERT WINE"

(Thanks to DavCat14)

WHO SAYS GUYS AREN'T DOMESTIC?

(Via Gizmodo)

FASCISM CREEPS INTO DUNFERMLINE

(Thanks to Bob Gibson)

DEFINITELY AN INSIDE JOB

(Thanks to Bob Gibson correction: Greg)

UPDATE: What the hell is going on with the mice? It's like they're working with the squirrels, or something.

(Thanks to many people, with Mike Pontillo first)

UPDATE UPDATE: Yeesh.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ON THE ONE HAND, YOU'D BE HELPING A GOOD CAUSE

On the other hand, you could get shot in the thigh.

(Thanks to Steve "The Amazing Steve" Pietrowicz)

REAL MEN WANTED

(Thanks to RussellMc)

Here's one possibility.

CHECK OUT THE POLL

What can Jack do with floating rib fragments and internal bleeding in his chest?

JOB OF THE WEEK SO FAR

ALBEQUR ALBAQUE NEW MEXICO

Land of the Free

THIS IS JUST WRONG

I took the CrapCam&trade photo below this afternoon at the Dade County Youth Fair.

THIS JUST IN FROM YORK COUNTY

Speaking of toilet paper: Aliens are using it to attack France.

BACHELOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to the indefatigable DavCat14)

ATTENTON ALL NEW JERSEY UNITS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to JerseyGirl)

WE'VE HAD ROOMMATES LIKE THAT

(Thanks to Siouxie)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Albanian School of Lust

(Thanks to RussellMc)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Squid-flavored postcards.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

THIS IS HUGE

This blog has just received a shipment of -- get ready -- 24 Brand Energy Gum. Yes. It is made by the manufacturers of Jolt Brand Energy Gum, and its motto is:

Chew More. Do More.

Here's the package:

This is bound to become hugely popular with individuals who, for one reason or another, need to stay up.

MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO US!

(Thanks to Ken)

NO HILLARY JOKES, NOW

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

SHE WAS UNDOUBTEDLY HEADING FOR FLORIDA, WHERE SHE WOULD HAVE FIT RIGHT IN

(Thanks to Forked River Tuna)

UPDATE: Here's another strong candidate for a Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using giant car-nesting rats.

(Thanks to DavCat14, who also sends this item concerning itchy pig bums, which would be a good name for a rock band)

HEY, WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU

(Thanks to Ray)

MEET THE BEATLES!

Sort of.

(Thanks to Steve "The Amazing Steve" Pietrowicz)

ATTENTION, AL GORE

Moo.

WHO SAYS THE FLORIDA STATE LEGISLATURE IS UNAFRAID TO TACKLE THE REAL ISSUES?

Not this blog.

WHO SAYS COLLEGE STUDENTS DON'T CARE ABOUT THE REAL ISSUES?

Not this blog.

WHY PEOPLE HATE MICROSOFT

I have a computer that is several years old. It uses the Windows XP Professional operating system, which for the record I like. From time to time, the computer decides to contact the Internet and download updates. Usually this is a mild annoyance, but I give Windows the benefit of the doubt, assuming that it is annoying me to keep my computer safe. But recently it downloaded something and started displaying this message:

Windows Genuine Advantage Notifications
Introduction

Windows Genuine Advantage Notifications is part of Microsoft's effort to reduce software piracy. Installing this software can help confirm that the copy of Windows installed on this PC is genuine and properly licensed.

If your copy of Windows is not genuine, the software will provide periodic reminders to help you take appropriate action and protect yourself from security threats posed by counterfeit software.

Do you find that as annoying as I do? I mean, if you have legal, paid-for software -- which I do -- it's annoying to have this company, several years after you bought their software, trying to install a program  on your hard drive to check up on you. And if you didn't have legal software, why would you install this? Or am I missing something?

So anyway, so far I have twice canceled this thing and told it to go away. But it keeps coming back. Do I HAVE to install it? Does anybody know?

YESSSSSSSSSSS

SHIPBUILDER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Also thanks to DavCat14)

THERE IS NOTHING UGLIER

Laudromat Revenge

(Thanks to DavCat14)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Chaz)

UPDATE: And here are the runners-up.

(Thanks to ozgeorge)

CLEARLY, THE SQUID RESEARCHERS READ THIS BLOG

(Thanks to many people)

HAR

"HOW COME THE RUM-AND-COKE TASTES LIKE FEET?"

Presenting: The Dram Sandal

(Via Gizmodo)

Dave --

I ask you about this question because of your knowlege on the subject and having written a book about the genders.  Every so often -- and I am not saying that I was necessarily confronted with this question recently, or anticipate it coming up soon, so to speak, but never hurts to be prepared -- men will be faced with this question in the 'cuddle phase' after you  know what. And it's always in that almost childlike talk, What are you thinking?

Whatever it is we were really thinking at the moment is most definitely the WRONG answer.  Silence is the WRONG answer.  Giving it a little thought, maybe after repeating the question to allow for some time to come up with a 'safe' answer is the WRONG answer. Being hung over doesn't permit taking the fifth. And if, lets say, we miraculously come up with the right answer or an acceptable answer, there is a good chance there will be a follow up question, which is probably harder to answer than the initial question.  And getting up earlier, showering and going to get the paper is considered insensitive.

Any advice?

Ted

Ted –-

Lie.

Say you were thinking about the Relationship. Of course then you will have to explain WHAT you were thinking about the Relationship. The answer is, you were thinking, in a very general way, just how satisfied you feel to be in this Relationship. These feelings are SO general that you have no further words to describe them.

WHATEVER you do, when asked what you are thinking in these moments, do NOT mention the NCAA tournament.

Good luck,

Dave

 

CALL YOUR TRAVEL AGENT

UPDATE: And then...

SECOND UPDATE: I just read the comments. You people are twisted. In a good way.

POOP MAKING THE NEWS

It's stopping the mail in Canada, and being thwarted by robot birds in Liverpool.

UH-OH

The cows are fighting back.

NO, THANKS!