24

Last week the Wooden Dialog Generator pretty much took over, to the extent that at times the chacters were emitting fully mature sequoias from their mouths. The lone highlight was when Chloe barged into the CTU men's room -- which was not secure -- and routed Morris from the toilet. (He washed his hands, but -- this bears repeating -- did not wipe.)

Other than that, the only actual action was the Mandatory Cliffhanger Moment at the End, when an evil plotter penetrated the White House Secret Underground Batcave Bunker -- which turned out to be every bit as difficult as checking into a Holiday Inn -- and set off a bomb that either did or did not kill President Gary Payton of Your World Champions For a Little While Longer Anyway Miami Heat. This means that as we begin tonight's episode, the acting president of the United States could be...

Anna Nicole Smith.

No, sorry, she is still deceased, as is Edgar. The acting president could be Vice President Powers Boothe. This blog sure hopes so.

Meanwhile Jack and disgraced former President Handbag are trying to locate the current Acting Evil Terrorist Mastermind Puppermaster, Gredenko, by going to talk to some other Russian mastermind puppetmaster, Markov, at the Russian consulate, where tonight, according to the previews, Jack, after an extremely passive week, will resume fighting terrorism via the time-tested technique of threatening to puncture or remove body parts.

NOTE TO WRITERS: There needs to be much more Jack in tonight's episode.

Meanwhile the Evil Terrorist Submastermind Fayed has got himself a drone, and you just know this drone will be launched with a suitnuke aboard and will drone through some tense episodes toward a vulnerable city, just like two years ago when the terrorists fired the World's Slowest Missile -- a JetBlue missile -- which took something like 17 hours to get from Iowa to Los Angeles.

There is still no sign whatsoever of the Sandra-and-Walid subplot, which more and more seems like a bad dream.

That is where we stand. I'll try to join you, but for now I leave you to your own devices.

UPDATE: This is more like it. Jack and Chloe, under the radar.

UPDATE: That is the creepiest bunker on Earth.

UPDATE: That Jack is such a scallywag, international-treatywise.

UPDATE: Powers Boothe IS the Godfather.

UPDATE: If somebody cut off my pinky, I would be pretty much lying on the floor going, "He cut off my pinky! HE CUT OFF MY PINKY!!" Which I suppose is a big reason why I am not the Russian consul.

UPDATE: Morris found a way around the algorithm and is picking up a digital shadow.

UPDATE: Nobody can wear a bluetooth phone thingie and not look stupid.

UPDATE: Things are looking up. Jack is in captivity, Powers Boothe is acting president, and the drones are set to launch. Take it, Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: And next week Mrs. Handbag is back!

Comments

[Josh Ondich]

Lennox getting grilled, Asad getting framed, and VP getting Furious.

[Ann]

The reaction to Lennox's statement reminds me of a saying my boss loves: The higher a monkey climbs, the better you can see his a$$.

[Jessica R.]

Can we get some more wooden dialog in the conference room please?

[slyeyes]

Tom's digging his own grave here.

[ArcticAl]

If there is any good to come from this, I will become President! says the VP

[Sioux City]

I would say a few words about "weasel boy" here, but if I use the word "faggot," I'll get sent to rehab!

[Layzeeboy]

Did he say heckuva?? In primetime??

[danceswithvowels]

Tom's losing the grip on his new-found pair!

[Gretchen]

How do you even GET skin that bad?

[WizzyPigabeth]

Who's with me - the VP was really behind the entire assassination attempt all along (*yawn*)

[Razumihin]

"Vaguely ominous grumble."
"Scratchy protest."
"Further ominous grumbling."

[ArcticAl]

So the russian consulate has real tight security eh! And Jack speaks fluent Russian!

[WoosterGirl]

Hear that whistle?

That's the sound of ratings dropping like a rock because there IS NO VIOLENCE.

[slyeyes]

That's what, 4 times now that they've said "best interests of the country?"

[Layzeeboy]

Did he say heckuva?? In primetime??

[JacksGirl]

Excuse me, but why the hell did Jack bother to put on a suit?

[Jessica R.]

Here goes Jack - a one man perimeter!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack, you sly Russian dog, you!

[danceswithvowels]

Jack said, "Your mother was a hamster!"

[ChuckE]

And the "Mashup" season of 24 continues...consulate break-in being an old fave from Season 4.

[Razumihin]

Way to know every language ever, Jack.

[JacksGirl]

never mind

[WizzyPigabeth]

Jack learned Russian while he was in China.

[Ann]

So Jack can speak Russian but he can't say "nuclear." Typical.

[baligurl]

Somebody please shoot somebody!

[Sooska]

Jack, Jack, Jack...yep you do look Arab in that suit..again the smutty talk..all talk NO ACTION

[Wes S.]

Sioux City, I condemn you. How dare you attack the masculinity of homosexuals by comparing them to Tom?

[ArcticAl]

How come the russians speak english to each other and russian on the radio?

[Gretchen]

I like Russians who speak to each other in English. It's so helpful!

[jodi-o]

Someone said perimeter - drink quickly and deeply

[tw]

Jack's in a suit because he was masquerading as Handbag's Secret Service agent.

[WA2CHI]

Jack Bauer 6.0 *comes with FREE Russian expansion pack

[slyeyes]

Little late to tell him to get away from the desk, Jack.

[Sooska]

Is that Russian security guard PeeWee Herman?

[WoosterGirl]

I love it when all foreigners speak English, even when they're in their own consulate/embassy/country.

[Razumihin]

Pfft. Whoever installed that silent alarm should be fired . . .

[Layzeeboy]

Jack! Watch out for the trap door in front of the desk trick!!

[Josh Ondich]

New Twist. Jack Bauer speaks Russian, and keeps his cellphone on vibration. Now taking ambassdor hostage.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack: Bill, Oops, I did it again!

[Jessica R.]

I've got a situation...Is that a drink cue?

[WoosterGirl]

Ooooh, bad prosthetic job on Keifer's right hand.

[WizzyPigabeth]

Jack had a "situation"

Talk about understatement.

ROFL

[insomniac]

sooska- if he is, you really want his hands where you can see 'em!

[Razumihin]

"Yeah, Bill? Um, I accidentally took the Russian consulate hostage again . . ."

[WFNY]

Not only did Jack learn Russian, he learned how to sew that suit that fits so perfectly.

[danceswithvowels]

Jack's phone has never been on vibrate before has it? See he's learned since Season 1!

[Sooska]

let's hope they don't have to chase Jack into a dark theater!

[sybilll]

This is getting too hard to follow.
Shoot him already

[WFNY]

Not only did Jack learn Russian, he learned how to sew himself a suit!

[JacksGirl]

Jessica R - drink up

[WizzyPigabeth]

I wish Jack would hold me hostage at gunpoint.

*sigh*

hey elastic.

[danceswithvowels]

Nnnnnnnnnnasonex asada!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

That iPhone is nothing until it features Jack and Chloe in it's commericals...or Jack has one on the show. Until then, DOOMED, DOOOOOOOOMED I say!

[tw]

Luv that KFC Big Box!

[Jessica R.]

Is it just me, or do the side effects of the Nasonex seem scarier than the allergy symptoms?

[slyeyes]

bees have spanish accents?

[WoosterGirl]

dances, thanks, but still not the same.

*sigh*

Close, though!!

[Sooska]

wedding planners? Now there should be some action complete with thigh shots of Bridezillas

[OhioNora]

Who did the decorating in the 'bunker', the Krell??

[Razumihin]

Yes, excellent pacing. Some real action shots tonight.

[danceswithvowels]

Who decorated that presidential bunker? It's uglier than a perimeter.

[ArcticAl]

So where is the VP going to address the nation from given that they blew up the TV studio?

[Sioux City]

Doesn't the VP look like the narrator from The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

[Jessica R.]

The VEEP is a Creep. He scares me.

[danceswithvowels]

I'd be lion if I didn't think they could do better, WG. Sorry.

[Sooska]

way to CYA Bill!!!

[JacksGirl]

Once again, Bauer was acting on his own authority.

Cue in another drinking cue.

[slyeyes]

Whoever did the decorating forgot about providing adequate lighting.

[Gretchen]

It's just a jump to the left... Now, THAT could liven up the show! Kiefer as Frankenfurter.

[glow]

Mr. VP-turned-Prez better remember, the last three Prez hadn't fared too well. For example, Jack Bauer holding ambassadors hostage and creating big headaches.

Oh, oh, hear comes the Russians a-calling, Mr. Newly Appointed.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Anyone know what 'perimeter' is in Russian...

[Jessica R.]

WAIT! Are they gonna fire JAck and have him arrested? That hasn't happened before.

[OhioNora]

Where's your f*****g neck!!

[jodi-o]

That is a good drinking cue

[Sooska]

plot regurgitation

[ArcticAl]

Russian President has started to sweat a bit now that the VP linked Russia to the nukes.

[Layzeeboy]

No, I'm calling for your Borscht recipe.

[danceswithvowels]

Look out, the Russians may shoot someone's diplomatic thigh.

[WFNY]

Russian President: We will be forced to retaliate with the Nuclear Suitcases of Doom!

[Ann]

The Veep's face is going to freeze like that pretty soon...

[elastic]

any minute now, jack is gonna find that cigar cutter.....

[ChuckE]

Now that's my idea of a "proper diplomatic channel"--a Bauer beatdown.

[Razumihin]

Hee. Nice cut to Jack kicking ass after "proper diplomatic channels."

[WoosterGirl]

Nice edit!!!

Finally, violence!

*glug glug glug*

[WizzyPigabeth]

jack does look pudgy.

still hot though.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Cut the fingers off! Cut the thigh off! GO JACK GO!

[ArcticAl]

So much for his career as a pianist.

[Sioux City]

This guy is about to become a black-and-blue Russian!

[Josh Ondich]

The first russian ambassador to get a KGB Style interrogation by Jack Bauer.

[Sooska]

Fingers? come ON Jack go for the GOLD!

[danceswithvowels]

Pinky!

[JacksGirl]

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!

[Gretchen]

Finger cutters win! Nice job guys!

[WoosterGirl]

Yep! There's that cigar cutter!!

Kewwwwwwwwllll!!!!

[glow]

Oh oh, Jack must be sacrificed. Again. But not without a few finger clippings.

[slyeyes]

He really did it!!!!

[Ann]

Um....this one might require more than 2 years of torture.

[elastic]

ooooohhhh, it is soooooo sexy when he's in full on torture mode.

[ChuckE]

Holy Cohiba! Jack just defingered the consul.

[WizzyPigabeth]

whoa!! he did it! omg!