PLEA FROM A DAD
Dear Dave Barry;
I need your help. I am quite sure that only you will know how to save me from my domestic problem.
The problem that I have stem from an event that occurred a couple of years ago, when I allowed my wife and children to bring two small long-eared RODENTS into the house (for the purposes of this discussion, we can refer to these rodents as "bunnies"). Yes, these are close relatives to the rabbits that infest our neighborhood, eat our vegetable garden and flowers, and generally make a pest of themselves..As rodents, these are also of course close relatives to the mice that we trap in the basement and discard, or the rats that recently caused a New York restaurant to be condemned and closed down, and whose droppings can carry several deadly diseases including Bubonic Plague. I was assured that bunnies are inexpensive, easy to maintain, and not much trouble (which up to now has been true).
However, I have just been told that in order to maximize their long term health, they need surgery. But while regular surgery would be okay, they would be more comfortable with laser surgery. Of course, we don't want just any laser surgery for our RODENTS (oops, I mean bunnies), but we need the very finest laser surgeon (who I believe is to be flown in from Zurich in his private jet for the operation).
I have suggested that rather than pay $400 per bunny for surgery, if they die we can just buy another one for $25 at next year's local fair. My wife was of course horrified, and suggested that if I didn't want to pay for the best, then perhaps I should discuss this with my two young daughters and see what they think. In considering this, I can imagine years from now my daughter, talking to the prison psychologist, saying "well, all was well until I discovered that my dad was too cheap to pay for the best surgery for my dearest (bunny name deleted to protect the innocent), then I had to turn to a life of crime and depravity".
So, what am I to do? Should I pay for the surgery?
(please withhold my name if you print this, since I don't like sleeping on the sofa).
I have no answer for this. But I do remember years ago when my son had gerbils, which were always escaping from the cage, and we'd frantically try to find them before God forbid they got caught in the traps that we set in the kitchen to kill the mice THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THE GERBILS.