Dave Barry's Blog

FROM THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA

...to your garage door.

(From mama723)

NUTRITION ADVICE FROM THE PRINCE OF WALES

Avoid unhealthy meals and opt instead for tasty UK cuisine.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

HEALTH FOOD UPDATE, sent in by a huge crowd

OPENING SENTENCE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A jazz musician was injured Friday after jumping from a burning motor home driven by a one-time roller skating stripper from Lodi.

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

PLEA FROM A DAD

Dear Dave Barry;

I need your help. I am quite sure that only you will know how to save me from my domestic problem.

The problem that I have stem from an event that occurred a couple of  years ago, when I allowed my wife and children to bring two small long-eared RODENTS into the house (for the purposes of this discussion, we can refer to these rodents as "bunnies"). Yes, these are close relatives to the rabbits that infest our neighborhood, eat our vegetable garden and flowers, and generally make a pest of themselves..As rodents, these are also of course close relatives to the mice that we trap in the basement and discard, or the rats that recently caused a New York restaurant to be condemned and closed down, and whose droppings can carry several deadly diseases including Bubonic Plague. I was assured that bunnies are inexpensive, easy to maintain, and not much trouble (which up to now has been true).

However, I have just been told that in order to maximize their long term health, they need surgery. But while regular surgery would be okay, they would be more comfortable with laser surgery. Of course, we don't want just any laser surgery for our RODENTS (oops, I mean bunnies), but we need the very finest laser surgeon (who I believe is to be flown in from Zurich in his private jet for the operation).

I have suggested that rather than pay $400 per bunny for surgery, if they die we can just buy another one for $25 at next year's local fair. My wife was of course horrified, and suggested that if I didn't want to pay for the best, then perhaps I should discuss this with my two young daughters and see what they think. In considering this, I can imagine years from now my daughter, talking to the prison psychologist, saying "well, all was well until I discovered that my dad was too cheap to pay for the best surgery for my dearest (bunny name deleted to protect the innocent), then I had to turn to a life of crime and depravity".

So, what am I to do? Should I pay for the surgery?

Thanks, Dad

(please withhold my name if you print this, since I don't like sleeping on the sofa).

I have no answer for this. But I do remember years ago when my son had gerbils, which were always escaping from the cage, and we'd frantically try to find them before God forbid they got caught in the traps that we set in the kitchen to kill the mice THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THE GERBILS.

HEY, DUDE...

...wanna do some eggs?

(Thanks to diverdowndoc)

WHEN ESCAPED-ORANGUTAN DRILLS GO WRONG

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

(Hnmmm.... where have we seen that costume before?)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Presenting the Corn Bobber.

GIVE IT UP FOR...

The Nicotine-Addicted Squirrel Monkeys

(Alternative headline here)

HARVARD

It's going right down the toilet.

(Thanks to WoosterGirl)

CAT FLATULENCE AND GLOBAL WARMING

Finally, somebody is doing something.

TODAY'S NUTRITION TIP

"It's never a good idea to eat raw frogs or snails."

THE OTTUMWA SCENE

It's getting crazy.

24

Here are the schematics of the plot perimeter:

The highlight of last week's episode was the heartwarming moment between Jack and his dad, Farmer Hoggett, when FH made Jack kneel down at gunpoint, but decided -- The old softy! --not to shoot Jack in the back of his head. That's how you show true affection Bauer-family style: by not killing a fellow Bauer. I'm assuming Jack and his dad will meet again before this season is up, and that their father-son reunion will make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like Teletubbies.

Anyway, at the very end of last week, Farmer Hoggett left a phone for Jack, with instructions to call a certain number, and when Jack did, the person at the other end, in a totally unexpected plot twisteroo, was...

Anna Nicole Smith.

No, sorry, she is still deceased, and so is Edgar. The shocking twisteroo person at the other end was Disgraced Former President Complete Handbag, whom we used to hate but who now looks pretty good compared with our current leader, President Gary Payton of Your World Champion For Now Miami Heat, whose strategy for dealing with nuclear terrorists is apparently to put the entire nation into a drooling stupor by talking in measured tones.

In subplot action, the Ally McBeal Weenie, who looked like he was going to join the plot -- which this blog wholeheartedly supports -- to whack President Payton and replace him with Vice President Powers Boothe, decided instead to rat out the plotters, so he was clubbed with a flashlight in the bunker by Colonel Mustard, who... no, wait, sorry, he was clubbed by his treacherous aide Reed, but, tragically, does not appear to have been killed.

In the Morris-and-Chloe subplot, Morris is still down on himself for programming the suitnukes after being used as a human do-it-yourself project by the evil terrorist submastermind Fayed. Chloe still loves Morris because he did not metabolize his alcohol. (Chloe can tell, just by looking at you, what you have metabolized.)

The Walid-and-Sandra subplot has completely disappeared, which is fine with me. If the writers try to bring it back, I think the other characters should say to them, "Get out of here! You never had anything to do with the plot anyway!"

Anyway, the big question tonight is: What will ex-president Handbag tell Jack about Gredenko, the evil terrorist mastermind for now? Can Jack find the remaining bombs before they go off? Most important of all, will there be any sightings of ex-president Handbag's First Lady?

We will just have to wait and see. And while we are waiting, let us not forget to metabolize.

UPDATE: It is SO hard to get good terrorist submastermind help these days.

UPDATE: The bunker has Ominous Muzak.

UPDATE: PERIMETER!

UPDATE: "He reminds me of you... neither one of you can act."

UPDATE: "Hi! We're here to kill the president!" "OK, then!"

UPDATE: Duct tape!

UPDATE: "We're not cold-blooded murderers." Who WRITES this stuff?

UPDATE: Victoria's Secret has reinvented the bra... again.

UPDATE: Morris specificed the wrong slot assignment for the SIP adapter! If I had a nickel for every time I did that...

UPDATE: If somebody had drilled two inches into my shoulder with a 3/8" bit, I would not swing my arms the way Morris does when he walks.

UPDATE: Too much talking.

UPDATE: Snore.

UPDATE: A drone!

UPDATE: So, do we think the terrorists will put a suitnuke on the drone, and it will drone away for several tense episodes? Or what?

UPDATE: It takes THIRTY MINUTES to get a bomb ready?

UPDATE: There can be no question that the highlights of tonight's episode are being provided by Victoria's Secret.

UPDATE: "Don't be sarcastic! Your data merge is incomplete!"

UPDATE: The Morris subplot is getting so repetitive that they have to be setting us up for a shockeroo, right? Like he's a mole? Or he's the one who reinvented the bra?

UPDATE: They're clearing a ground corridor. That's like a perimeter, right?

UPDATE: YES! Chloe is NOT afraid to yank a man off the toilet.

UPDATE: Morris didn't wipe.

UPDATE: The old cough ruse.

UPDATE: Seriously, you put a three-inch piece of duct tape on my mouth, and I will have it off in seconds without using my hands.

UPDATE: OK, it just now occurred to the weenie to do that?

UPDATE: Summary: Not enough Jack. Way too much talking. One boom -- one lousy boom -- at the end. The clear action highlight was Chloe yanking Morris out of the toilet.  And of course the reinvented bra, which seems to work well. We now await the amazing Steve, who should be writing the show, if you want this blog's opinion.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Indonesian Mud Volcano

(Thanks to many people)

WE JUST HOPE THEY'RE NOT HEADING TOWARD US

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IF YOU THINK YOUR DOG LOVES YOU NOW...

(Thanks to Timothy Hunt)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

...than a snowmobile/porch thief.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

NEW JERSEY

Leading the Nation Toward a Better Tomorrow

(Thanks to -- it goes without saying -- JerseyGirl)

MIDDLE-SCHOOL EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO PERSONS IN SERBIA WHO NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION

Go somewhere else.

(Thanks to diverdowndoc)

UPDATE: THE WAR AGAINST THE SQUIRRELS

Finally, a win for our team.

(Thanks to eric ewanco)  .

MEANWHILE IN IRON COUNTY

They're awarding prairie dog credits.

MISLEADING HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

After wasting 5 minutes reading this article, it turns out no one is offering to trade.

(Thanks to Jim Morse)

SHOCKEROO HEADLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The other two boys are classified as "Really Heavy Users."

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

IT JUST SEEMS THAT LONG

Ba-dum-bum.

(Thanks to Andrew R.)

THE BLOG HAS LEARNED 16 THINGS IN 50 YEARS

We are excited to learn that this is partly true!

(Thanks to many people, but first, Drew Harchick)

ADDENDUM: The s.b. is hoping the final sentence will be deleted; afawk, no one has permission to post that.

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Reason Number 3.

(Thanks to Rob White)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE WILL SOON BE ON ITS WAY TO THIS WOMAN

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ACCURATE, YES

Or you could just learn to pick up the damn phone.

(Thanks to Greg)

OSCARS UPDATE

I can't believe they totally shut out the talking raccoon.

THE OSCARS

I'll be on the road tonight, so I'll miss some, if not all, of the show. I'm posting this here in case you commenters wish to comment. I'll join in if I get where I'm going in time, but I don't know much about this year's nominees, because as in past years, I generally see movies with my daughter, and thus am pretty much limited to the genre known technically as "Movies Featuring Talking Raccoons."

UPDATE: THE SQUIRREL WAR AGAINST HUMANITY

We are going to have to consider nuclear weapons.

AND TEEN-AGED BOYS EVERYWHERE FLOCK TO APPLY FOR AIRPORT SECURITY JOBS

(Thanks to Just Ducky)

DUCT TAPE

Is there anything it can't do?

(Thanks to tweetywill)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

Please note that Pruned Mess would not be a very good name for a rock band. But Pruned Criminal might be.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

NO KIDDING

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

UPDATE ON THE BINDI SUE MISSING-SNAKE MYSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERY

It was all just a missnake.

(Thanks to spyrodevil)

ADVISORY FOR VISITORS TO NEW YORK CITY, LAND OF THE WILD BEAVER

Our advice is, do not attempt social dancing, and watch where you eat.

(Thanks to Ken Morgan and qsman)

THE APOCALYPSE

Any day now.

(Sent in by many people, with Boo Augustus first)

WHY THE HELL NOT?

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig and Nachum Hurvitz)

FLORIDA WEIRDNESS MAGNET UPDATE

From my column today:

For all we know, Kato is already heading this way.

From the North Palm Beach calendar of events:

"Out of Africa:" This fundraiser by the Young Adventurers will feature celebrities David Carradine, Shelley Long, Kato Kaelin, Dan Haggerty and more at Mar-A-Lago, Palm Beach, from 6 to 11 p.m., Friday, Feb. 23. Call Terry Bomar at (561) 317-kids or visit http:/www.youngadventurers.org.

(Thanks to this blog's old friend and ex-neighbor Mr. Paul Levine, who informs this blog that when his wife got married to the man she was married to before Paul, the ceremony was performed by... Judge Larry Seidlin.)

DEFENSE MINISTER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

He's testing out some new night-vision binoculars.

(Thanks to Peter Gregory)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Thanks to JerseyGirl)

FLORIDA EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Mrs. Blog)

WAIT A MINUTE...

Did we blog this already? If not, why not?

WE LIVE IN AMAZING TIMES

(Via Gizmodo)

URGENT EMAIL FROM MR. GENE WEINGARTEN

Gene writes:

According to a report out of South Africa, new studies show that circumcision reduces the spread of AIDS by 60 percent.  This was hailed as a major breakthrough by the director of the World Health Organization's AIDS project.  His name is Kevin de Cock.

MY FELLOW SOUTH FLORIDIANS:

It's time to act.

U.S. SENIORS

Don't mess with them.

(Thanks to MOTW)

HUMAN RELATIONS COMMISSIONER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to cyrldiving)

SATAN

He's loose in Santa Fe.

(Thanks to Xmygrits)

RELIGIOUS NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

Holy Mackerel!

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MORE BREAKING NEWS FROM WASHINGTON STATE

Apparently, people in Washington state have a lot of spare time.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

(We don't mean that Cheryl Howard is the reason people in Washington state have a lot of spare time.)

ADVISORY TO LLAMAS WHO HAPPEN TO BE IN THE VICINITY WHEN BOLIVIA DECIDES TO NATIONALIZE A TIN SMELTER

Run.

AUSTRALIAN POLITICAL ISSUE OF THE DAY

Goat sex.

THE DEEP

We're staying out of it.

Here's another view. Yum!

UPDATE ON BINDI SUE THE SNAKE

The myssssssssssstery deepens.

SERIOUSLY

I need one of these.

(Thanks to Dan Nachbar)

THAT'S ONE THING WE COULD CALL HIM

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve "Jack Bauer" Pietrowicz)

GUYS IN ACTION, EPISODE 2,038

(Thanks to Crash)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Bat Demon and the Sex Attack

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF FRANCE AND BRITAIN

Run.

(Thanks to Onterrible)

UPDATE (thanks to Claire Martin):Wait! Apparently, they are gentle.

PUBLIC SERVICE SUGGESTION OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

WHAT, SHE NEVER LOST ANYTHING?

(Thanks to susyqe)

SHE'S ALREADY DRIVING IN FLORIDA

All she needs now is a license.

(Thanks to PM)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

ADMIT IT

You've made this mistake many times yourselves.

(Thanks to marva)

BIRDBRAIN?

(Thanks to xmnr)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Thanks to DavCat14)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Loo-paper rustling

(Thanks to Siouxie)

TERRORISM IN UPTON

You just know that the squirrels were behind this.

Key Journalistic Quote: NewsCenter 5's Lynn Jolicoeur reported that the cow is fat, and sometimes moves slowly.

YES, IT'S A JOKE

But we're getting there.

BAD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Toilet Bowl Teeth

THE NEWS MEDIA

Sometimes, we just suck.

24

Turns out some people take it seriously.

(Thanks to Andy Moore)

"DISTINCTIVE" STORY UPDATE

This thing just keeps getting bigger.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

COMING TO THEATERS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

Christmas the Miracle Hamster

(Thanks to DavCat14)

WEBKINZ

You may not know about Webkinz, but you should, because fairly soon Webkinz will, at the current rate of expansion, take over the planet.

Webkinz is a Toy Concept consisting of two elements:

Element One: A cute little stuffed animal that you buy in a store if you can find one, which you can't, because they're always sold out everywhere, but you better get one because otherwise your child will believe he or she is the only non-Webkinz-owning child in the world and you will feel like parental scum.

Element Two: This Internet site, where your child goes to register using the secret code that came with the stuffed animal that you cannot get anywhere because they are sold out. Once your child registers, he or she will see a little on-screen stuffed animal just like the one he or she has at home. Your child must then feed and care for the online version, or it will get tired and hungry and cranky and develop online intestinal parasites. Your child can also play games to earn "Webkinz dollars" to buy things for the online pet, and exchange messages and gifts with other online friends whose parents got them Webkinz. The result is that your child will want to spend roughly 1,000 hours per day on the Webkinz site.

I know this because my daughter has a Webkinz pet, a bear named Cookie. My wife bought it. She got in on this thing early -- weeks ago -- and  now we feel like people who bought Microsoft stock for 3 cents a share, because she paid only $12 at a local store and now you pretty much can't find a Webkinz pet except on eBay. Just this morning, when we dropped our daughter off at school, I was talking to one of her classmates' moms, who told me she had been everywhere, trying to find a Webkinz pet for her daughter, but no luck. She had a desperate look, like an addict who needs crack, except of course here in South Florida crack is widely available, and also probably less addictive than Webkinz.

Anyway, I bring this up because according to this report, a school has decided to ban Webkinz. It's only a matter of time before Congress steps in and holds hearings. I am for this, because the whole thing scares me a little bit. I want to know who's behind it.

YOU KNOW HOW JACK BAUER IS ALWAYS TALKING TO CHLOE ON HIS CELLPHONE ABOUT SCHEMATICS WHILE HE'S ENTERING A TERRORIST LAIR OR DISMANTLING A TICKING NUCLEAR BOMB?

Well, wouldn't it be excellent if he was talking to her on this?

(Via Gizmodo)

BUMPER-STICKER SLOGAN DECISION

I have painstakingly reviewed all 16 million entries in the bumper-sticker-slogan contest, in consultation with a distinguished panel of experts consisting of Mrs. Blog, judi, and Mr. Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post. After literally weeks of thoughtful consideration, the panel and I have decided to go with the following slogan, which was one of the first ones sent in:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Yes, of the United States

This slogan was submitted by "Dad-O-Lot," who will receive, as punishment a token of our gratitude, a bottle of this high-quality prank product, if we can figure out a way to send it without violating the Homeland Security Act.

There were many strong runner-up slogans, including:

-- "Or Are You Too Chicken?" from Steve Jens, who also submitted "Basically, He Wants Attention";

-- "The Rest of the World Is Laughing at Us Anyway," by Meanie the Blue, who also submitted "It's Not Like You Care";

-- "My Kid Is an Honor Student," by Chris Knight;

-- "If He Shoots a Lawyer in the Face, It Will Be on Purpose," by Beppie;

-- "Puttin' the 'Mock' Back in 'Democracy'," by JP;

-- "He's Actually a Black Woman," by gfunksizzle;

-- "Because Nothing Isn't Going to Do Itself," by tuxmask3.

...and many, many more excellent ones, including the one that you, personally, submitted, which I liked the best but which was vetoed by judi so blame her.

Anyway, our next step is to have the winning slogan printed on a bumper sticker, which ideally we will have done before election day. After that the campaign will really kick into "high gear" under the direction of the Campaign Field Coordinator, Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr, who will be out in the field doing his horizontal level best to gauge the mood of the voters.

Thanks to all of you who participated in the contest. Now let us join together in making this country a better place for me future generations.   

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

A Quick and Accurate Estimation of Heat Losses from a Cow

Key Quote: The Gebremedhin-Wu method certainly is slow. Despite making a simple assumption - that a cow is a cylinder - it requires you to do some tedious calculating. Khan, Badruddin, Quadir and Seetharamu, in introducing their own method, pooh-pooh the Gebremedhin-Wu way.

We don't know about you, but we thought we would never see the day when anybody would dare to pooh-pooh the Gebremedhin-Wu way.

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

Bindi Sue is missing.

24

Here is this situation:

In last week's highlight, the evil terrorist submastermind Fayed drilled into Morris with a power drill -- it looked to us like a 3/8" bit -- and Morris, after giving it some thought, decided, hey, why not program those suitcase nukes? Fayed then activated one of the bombs, but Jack arrived just in time, and Chloe (it goes without saying) had the schematics (filed under "Nuke, Suitcase") so Jack was able to deactivate the bomb by -- forgive us for using technical terms -- turning it "off." CTU had set a perimeter up around the building, so of course Fayed got away. He went down into the sewers, where a helicopter was waiting. (Hey, we don't write these plots.) Morris was all sad and blue, but Chloe was like, hey, who hasn't, at one time or another, enabled terrorists to wipe out tens of thousands of innocent people in nuclear blasts? So by the end the two lovebirds were reconfabulating downlinks together again and it was soooo sweet.

Speaking of couples: McCarthy and his annoying girlfriend both got whacked. Edgar is also still dead.

The current evil terrorist supreme mastermind is (we think) somebody named "Gredenko," which sounds to us like a nickname for organic waste, as in, "Mom! The dog made Gredenko on the carpet!" Gredenko is planning to use the remaining suitcase nukes to Wreak Vengeance on the United States, or at least Los Angeles... unless Jack can stop him. But Jack is being thwarted by his father, Farmer Hoggett, who took Jack's dead brother Baldy's son Josh -- who we think might be Jack's son, because he (that is, Jack) and Baldy's widow Marilyn, who is hot but has the acting skills of a rutabaga, still have Feelings for each other -- hostage (that is, Josh is a hostage) and he (Farmer Hoggett) made Marilyn send Jack to the wrong house, where, instead of Gredenko, there was a bomb, which went off, providing pretty much the only highlight in the second hour last week, but, incredibly, not killing Jack.

Meanwhile in the White House Bat Cave Bunker, the Ally McBeal Weenie is joining the conspiracy to get rid of President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat and replace him with Vice President Powers Boothe, which is fine with us because every time President Payton starts talking we find ourselves losing consciousness and waking up hours later face-down in the Cheez-Its.

Speaking of refreshments: It's time to get ready.

Special Note: We welcome Mr. Ridley Pearson, joining us from New York City for tonight's episode.

UPDATE: They never look behind the dumpster.

UPDATE: I love it when Jack says: "Interlace your fingers!"

UPDATE: Marilyn can't act, but she has excellent teeth.

UPDATE: Jack may have to shoot Marilyn in the thigh.

UPDATE: Jack wants a vehicle with a full tactical kit.

UPDATE: We've all been stupid, Jack. That's why we watch.

UPDATE: OK, just thinking out loud here: If Jack doesn't go to get Gredenko, whoever does go to get Gredenko will get creamed, and the suitcase nukes -- let us call them "suitnukes" for short -- will remain at large.

UPDATE: "Did you finish the vectors?" Those crazy lovebirds!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett is not the brightest bulb, is he?

UPDATE: The president was installing Vista.

UPDATE: Morris is going off the wagon.

UPDATE: Hey, you get drilled in the shoulder, you need a little something.

UPDATE: We're seeing Marilyn's full tactical kit.

UPDATE: I may have said this before, but the "Back to the Future" ad for Direct TV is really, really stupid.

UPDATE: Ally McBeal Weenie down!

UPDATE: There's always time for hallway subplots at CTU.

UPDATE: Morris's sponsor will turn out to be... Jack's father!

UPDATE: I think it's good when families talk things out like this, with guns.

UPDATE: I didn't metabolize the alcohol, either!

UPDATE: OK, really now, why didn't Jack ask for backup?

UPDATE: This is some bad writing, here.

UPDATE: PRESIDENT HANDBAG!!!

UPDATE: Wait... did anything actually happen in this episode? Or was it pretty much blah, blah, blah, blah... PRESIDENT HANDBAG!!!

UPDATE: Next week: A bomb and a needle. We now turn you over to the Amazing Steve.

FINAL UPDATE: According to the news, Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Anybody heard anything about that?

THE APOCALYPSE MUST BE JUST ABOUT OVER

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

This is not me.

(Thanks to Gregory Riley)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this motorist, who will find that down here we do not believe that free people should be forced to drive in any one particular direction just because some so-called "traffic law" says so.

(Thanks to cyrldiving)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

(Thanks to Valerie)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THE POWER OF THIS BLOG

It's distinctive.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

YOU CAN HAVE MY MUSHY PEAS WHEN YOU PRY THEM OUT OF MY COLD, DEAD FINGERS

(Thanks to JerseyGirl)

HERE'S A GREAT GIFT WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL THAT SPECIAL SOMEBODY...

"Some day, you will be dead."

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Lincoln, Neb., weighs in.

Key Chilling Fact: Squirrels caused about 28 percent of the outages -- 97 -- more than twice that of any other source last year. Coming in second was underground cable failures, 47, followed by falling tree limbs at 38 and lightning at 37.

ADVISORIES

1. In a few minutes, we will be cutting off the comments to the bumper-sticker-slogan post, because the economy is in enough trouble as it is.

2. Be ready tonight at 9.

YOU PUTS MARRRRRRRRRRRRMALADE ON IT

Pirate Toast

(Thanks to Justin Long)

UM, OK...

The Sideways Bike

(Thanks to Geoff)

MUTANT DUCKLING OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to AndytheTropicHunt.com&trade guy)

PLEASE STOP

...sending links about this. We have SOME standards here.

THIS BLOG IS IN LOVE

OK, this is probably thousands of years old, but this blog just found out about it.

(Thanks to Paul Levine)

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

Snake beans.

SLOGAN CONTEST UPDATE

The response to the slogan contest has been truly scary impressive. Thanks to all of you who participated, even though in some cases this apparently meant going without needed medication. We here at headquarters will scrutinize your slogans, using industrial-strength scrutin, and let you know when we have a winner.

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

ROBERT ADLER IS GONE

But his spirit lives on.

(New, improved, registration-free link supplied by Jeff Meyerson, who states that he sent this in yesterday)

WHAT TIME IS IT?

Time for the Apocalypse.

(Thanks to Evan Dolive)

INTERNATIONAL ATOMIC ENERGY AGENCY INTRODUCES NEW RADIATION-DANGER SYMBOL

It's very clear: If you see a propeller shooting water toward pirates, you must run the other way.

(Thanks to Sarah J)

RUN, DOG, RUN!

(Thanks to Clean Hands)

THEY OPENED FOR THE SPACE POTATOES

The Bird Butts and Excess Heat

(Thanks to Wes von Papineäu)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Siouxie)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using muskrats.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

ANOTHER REASON WHY WE NEED GUYS

Without guys, some things would never get done.

(Thanks to Gary)

TIGGER UPDATE

Tigger beat the rap.

(Thanks to Kathy)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Dave, but not the Dave posting this)

THE LONGER YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FROM COLLEGE...

...the funnier college gets.

(Thanks to Noob)

CRIMINAL-MASTERMIND-AND-AUNT TEAM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Davis arranged for his aunt to bring a small safe which Davis claimed contained money for his bail. State police said when Davis' aunt opened the safe in front of a state police trooper, inside was the cash, but also drug paraphernalia and 16 grams of cocaine.

(Thanks to Tweetywill)

AIR MAURITANIA SLOGAN

"Do Not Mess With Us"

Alternative: "Coffee, Tea, or Boiling Water in Your Face?"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHY THE WORLD NEEDS GUYS

Guys are practical.

(Thanks to Lisa and Sheri Aurand)

"MOMMY, WHY IS BARBIE SINGING ABOUT HER LOVELY LADY LUMPS?"

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ANNOUNCEMENT JUST MADE AT THE CHARLOTTE AIRPORT

"Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is here. We did hit a bird on the way in and we do have Maintenance cleaning that up now."

ADVISORY FOR MEN CHOOSING GIFTS FOR WOMEN

Be very careful.

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR USERS OF OFFICE TOILETS

One the one hand, the toilet is cleaner than your desk. On the other hand....

ATTENTION, PEOPLE THINKING THEY CAN GET RICH THROUGH A CHINESE ANT-BREEDING SCAM

Think again.

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

(Thanks to DavCat14)

NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER

(Thanks to DavCat)

WELL, DUHHHHHHHHHHH HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to estrogen centrale)

DINNER ON VALENTINE'S DAY

He should have picked the restaurant.

(Thanks to Joshua Evans)

DINNER UPDATE (Thanks to AmerInParis)

AND THE AWARD FOR MOST USES OF THE WORD "DISTINCTIVE" IN A NEWS ARTICLE GOES TO...

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

DON'T WORRY, SIR

While you're away, the s.b. is hard at work taking care of business on the job.

(NOTE the warning, men!)

(Thanks to Clean Hands)

UPDATE

The mood here at Miami International Airport Substitute is getting very, very ugly. People have gathered around the very few employees of the airline (code name "US Snairways") and are making angry statements about the fact that nobody seems to have a plan. The pilot of the broken plane is saying "You SHOULD complain! I WANT you to complain! Maybe then things will improve!"

But I don't think they will improve today.

UPDATE: OK, I am theoretically on a new flight. We shall see. But what I don't get is why, when there's a problem like this, they don't tell us what's going on. Like, you know, get on the p.a. system and tell us where we should line up, what flights are available, stuff like that. Because the way it works now is, we all stand like cattle in these reeeeeeeeeeeallllly long lines, wondering what's happening, and the airline person at the counter has to re-explain everything to everybody, and meanwhile tensions mount and tempers flare and rumors go up and down the lines. ("I hear there's a flight at gate H-12!" "A flight to where?" "I don't know, but I hear it has seats available!" "Should we go there?" "Maybe you should go there and I'll stay in this line." "Moo." "Mooooooooooo." etc.)

AIR TRAVEL HELL

I'm in it! My flight was delayed, then when we finally got on the plane they discovered a mechanical problem. After they spent an hour trying to fix that, the pilot said they were going to try rebooting the airplane, "just like you do on your home computer," in the hope that would fix it. Yes: Control-Alt-Delete! But that didn't work either. So now I'm in a line of 807,000,000,000 people trying to get onto another airplane, ideally one that uses a different operating system. The point being, I will not be blogging for a while.

THE FLORIDA LEGISLATURE, HAVING SOLVED ALL OF THE STATE'S OTHER PROBLEMS, TACKLES THE BIG ONE

Impostor bands.

INTERNATIONAL CHESS UPDATE

There are new developments in the Toilet War.

THEY OPENED FOR BLIND SNAKE

The Space Potatoes

TRAVEL ITEM

A friend of this blog, David Golia, who is the husband of Big Lou the Accordion Princess and also plays bass in her band, Polka Casserole, sends this photo of a spot he and Big Lou recently visited:

SOMEBODY IS LOOKING TO GET LUCKY TODAY

THE FUTURE

It's looking bright.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Of course, it's happier for some genders than for others.

Key Quote: The average man is expected to spend $156.22 on his Valentine this year, compared to the average woman's $85.08, according to a recent National Retail Federation survey. The difference is partially because only 6 percent of men are expected to receive Valentine's Day gifts at all, according to a survey by the National Confectioners Association.

BEST OPENING SENTENCE OF A NEWS STORY SO FAR THIS WEEK

Former Internet piracy consultant and record producer Bruce Forest yesterday pleaded guilty in federal court to using explosives to destroy a portable toilet in Weston.

I'M PRETTY SURE I SAW IT IN THE SIXTIES, OPENING FOR MOBY GRAPE

Blind Snake

FINALLY THIS BLOG GETS SOME SUPPORT

...in the War on Squirrel Terrorism.

(Thanks to, according to judi, "billions of people")

DRIVING IN FLORIDA

The rules are different here.

(Thanks to cyrldiving)

EARLY TECH SUPPORT

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, who sent it in even though it does not involve breasts)

"NEED A LIFT?"

"No thanks."

(Thanks to JerseyGirl)

APPROPRIATE NAME OF THE DAY SO FAR

Kari Barefoot

(Thanks to KG Spisak)

JUSTICE IS UPHELD

The urinals of France can rest easy.

COLLEGE STUDENTS

They're speaking out on the tissues issues.

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack's brother, Baldy, is gone, having been lovingly whacked last week by Jack's father, Farmer Hoggett, but not before being lovingly tortured by Jack. (There is a lot of love in the Bauer family.) Jack's dad is definitely a bad guy, but Jack does not know this, being apparently unaware of the fact that his dad has been a bad guy in pretty much every movie he was ever in except Babe.

Jack now has to find Morris, who was captured by McCarthy last week for delivery to Evil Terrorist Mastermind For Now Fayed, who will coerce Morris -- possibly by threatening to bring Audrey back into the plot -- into programming the triggers for the remaining suitcase nuclear bombs, which apparently run Windows Vista because nobody knows how to program them. We know from last week's previews that Jack will wind up trying to deactivate one of the suitcase nukes tonight, but we don't know whether he will succeed, or be blown into tiny nuclear smithereens, which will then reassemble themselves and call Chloe, because there is no way you are taking out Jack Bauer with a mere nuclear blast.

Meanwhile President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat and his aides and generals and random cabinet extras continue to engage in important yet meaningful wooden dialogue concerning the constitutional ramificationzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Whoops, sorry. We have also learned that the vice president, who is in cahoots with the Ally McBeal Weenie, is Deadwood Mayor Powers Boothe, which should be interesting because on Deadwood he cannot sneeze without dropping -- speaking of suitcase nukes -- the F-bomb.

The Walid-and-Sandra subplot continues to stagger lifelessly forward. Speaking of lifeless: Edgar and Kumar are still dead.

We are hoping for some major action in tonight's special two-episode presentation. Yes, the show has been hideously boring a little slow lately, but we're confident that the writers have been laying the foundation for something very special. So get ready.

UPDATE: If the Anna Nicole Smith story makes an appearance in tonight's episodes, I am going to shoot my cable box.

UPDATE: Taser Bill, Chloe, if you have to.

UPDATE: Jack expects to have a visual soon.

UPDATE: Jack has a visual.

UPDATE: This is pretty much how everybody drives in Miami, except there are more guns involved.

UPDATE: McCarthy's girlfriend holds the gun like, "Whatever."

UPDATE: I really hate Milo's little moustache.

UPDATE: So just to make sure I have this right: CTU had the car under observation from a helicopter AND a satellite, in broad daylight, and they lost it.. WHOA! THE GIRLFRIEND!

UPDATE: I for one never really understood who McCarthy was, so I am not that sorry about his sudden passing.

UPDATE: I don't think that the rugged working guys in truck commercials ever actually work. I think they  just get in their trucks and go, "Let's drive through some mud."

UPDATE: Which one was Assad again? The good terrorist mastermind, right?

UPDATE: Weenie Boy is pissed.

UPDATE: He's going to feel Weenie Boy out. Heheheheh.

UPDATE: This is some very bad acting by Mrs. Bauer.

UPDATE: Jack is upset because somebody shot McCarthy before Jack could.

UPDATE: I think the girlfriend is history.

UPDATE: Hitting Morris! Those terrorist bastards.

UPDATE: Hard to see Morris doing much programming if his body is a sack full of chicklet-sized bone fragments.

UPDATE: A loop matrix!

UPDATE: PERIMETER

UPDATE: Not one more nuke. Wow. He is a strict president.

UPDATE: "Agent Turner, what's the status of your perimeter?" "It's in place." Wow!

UPDATE: They're freshening Morris up.

UPDATE: A drill. Whoa.

UPDATE: I am afraid to look in the comments, because I am quite certain somebody has made a "fire drill" joke.

UPDATE: "At this point it's only a question of time." Yep, that's how terrorist masterminds talk to their minions, all right.

UPDATE: YESSSSSSSSSSS shooting.

UPDATE: If that suitcase nuke is anything like the computer system at the Miami Herald, Jack will need a password to disarm it, and he will have to change that password every 90 days or ELSE.

UPDATE: So far this is an excellent episode -- Jack, Chloe, perimeter, shooting... a freaking drill.

UPDATE: Two metal plates slowly converging. How... photogenic.

UPDATE: Has any CTU perimeter ever caught anybody?

UPDATE: DIP switches? Like a 1987 MODEM???

UPDATE: Geez, this is a lot of suspense, wondering whether Jack will succeed.

UPDATE: I just realized that the entire first hour was Walid-and-Sandra free.

UPDATE: I think they're showing the wrong "Previously on 24."

UPDATE: No, wait, they're not.

UPDATE: Wait a minute. Less than 15 minutes ago Fayed was in a sewer. How'd he get in a helicopter?

UPDATE: Wait: Who's the bearded dude? Is he another mastermind?

UPDATE: Is the bearded dude Gredenko? And if so, do terrorist masterminds ever go to any city besides Los Angeles?

UPDATE: I want an antiterrorist vest like Jack's, to wear to, like, the supermarket.

UPDATE: A nice father-son chat over the corpse of the son/brother.

UPDATE: They're monitoring chatter.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Preident Payton and Vice President Boothe apparently both ingested horse tranquilizers.

UPDATE: I can barely hear the actors over the roar of the dialogue generator.

UPDATE: Whoever is supposed to change light bulbs in the White House bunker clearly has fallen down on the job.

UPDATE: I miss the power drill.

UPDATE: Mrs. Baldy is hot, but she cannot act her way out of a paper bag.

UPDATE: Power-drill him, Chloe!

UPDATE: Graeme's body is still warm, and Marilyin is hitting on Jack.

UPDATE: A hotel! With Farmer Hoggett! Sounds like fun.

UPDATE: Wait a minute... so Fayed is NOT an Arab?

UPDATE: Do we think Marilyn will get shot in a shootout and reveal to Jack just before expiring that Farmer Hoggett is evil? Just a thought.

UPDATE: Chloe was reconfiguring the uplink and just then Morris walked in. If that is not romance, I don't know what romance is.

UPDATE: Young Josh is every bit as bad an actor as his mom is.

UPDATE: Finally, a bomb. Not nuclear, but still.

UPDATE: Those are the worst machine-gun shooters in world history.

UPDATE: OK, the first hour was excellent. The second hour was 57 minutes of sludge and three minutes of OK.

UPDATE: Next week Jack chokes Marilyn!

FINAL NEXT-MORNING UPDATE: As always, there is an excellent summary -- two, actually -- by the Amazing Steve™ in the comments section.

AIR TRAVELER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

This would not have been a problem here, as long as he had his private parts in a clear, one-quart, resealable plastic bag.

(Thanks to Hammond Rye)

WHAT TOOK SO LONG?

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

ATTENTION, LADIES OF BIRMINGHAM

Find out if he really loves you.

(Thanks to Wes Von Papineau)

BEER

It's a lifesaver.

(Thanks to Garnet)

SOONER OR LATER, EVERYTHING ENDS UP ON EBAY