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February 23, 2007

FLORIDA WEIRDNESS MAGNET UPDATE

From my column today:

For all we know, Kato is already heading this way.

From the North Palm Beach calendar of events:

"Out of Africa:" This fundraiser by the Young Adventurers will feature celebrities David Carradine, Shelley Long, Kato Kaelin, Dan Haggerty and more at Mar-A-Lago, Palm Beach, from 6 to 11 p.m., Friday, Feb. 23. Call Terry Bomar at (561) 317-kids or visit http:/www.youngadventurers.org.

(Thanks to this blog's old friend and ex-neighbor Mr. Paul Levine, who informs this blog that when his wife got married to the man she was married to before Paul, the ceremony was performed by... Judge Larry Seidlin.)

Comments

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Start digging, Dave.

Wait. You need to blow up the interchange FIRST.

When can we expect the mushroom cloud?

Judge Larry's gonna get his own tv show...just watch!

Maybe Judge Larry's show can involve him tunnelling under the interchange?

"Keep digging, Your Honor!"
"Isn't it gonna collapse on me if I do, Texas?"
"Just keep digging."

All we need is Rod and some Twilight Zone music!

At least the weirdness is entertaining. Houston just sucks nether regions. After driving here, I'm convinced it's full of people who didn't drive well enough to get a Florida drivers license.

The problem with Texas, is its full of Texans. It also turns out Texans react poorly to having it pointed out that Texas was populated by people who weren't tough or smart enough to do well in the Carolinas, Tennessee, and Kentucky.

Any blog readers from Texas are exempted of course. Assuming there are literate Texans.

Wow, look out, Nostradamus, Dave Barry is the new prognosticator du jour!

Also, since when does Kato Kaelin count as a celebrity?

I think it might be time to move out of Florida.

And who is so low on the celebrity totem pole that they only get listed as "and more" after Kato Kaelin?

artchick, I'm just hoping it's not Paris or worse...ok there's no worse.

FKA Mat, I suspect Just Ducky will be along soon to tear you a new orifice.

Adds a "t" above. So sorry.

To the blog reader soon to be known as Toast, you might want to secure a little more protection for your Tancredo, as I'm not sure your exemption is going to provide much cover.

If we can just get Dennis Rodman to move to Palm Beach....then we can release the anacondas and alligators...oh, my.

*hands ex-matt a one quart clear plastic zip-lock baggie for his gonads*

*stands back*

My favorite Texas story, which I sincerely believe to be a true story:

Some years ago, there was an effort to raise funds to build a wall all the way around the state. Most of the contributions were coming from out of state...

San Antonio and Austin seem to be much better. Houstonians are just "special." Of course, my craziest ex was from Houston, and loved it, so I may not be impartial.

*whistles The Yellow Rose of Texas past the graveyard...*

now now, meanie (and phil, and others) there's no need to get riled at Tbrfka Matt, especially considering that his remarks, albeit insensitive and fragrant, are 50% correct. i do not support his assertion that "the problem with texas is that it's full of texans" since, as far as i can tell, texas is full of immigrants (NTTAWWT). however, when he says texas is full of "people who didn't drive well enough to get a Florida drivers license" i say "boy howdy". a week in houston aged me ten years.

i stood before god
he said "hell, or houston, son"
i said "i'm thinking"

i will also concede that San Antonio is a lovely town. never been to austin.

Matt, that reminds me of that song..."All my Ex's live in Texas" by George Strait.

mud - my only trip thru Texas was driving westbound on the interstate, watching a wrong-way driver drive westbound on the eastbound side. I was honking at him, but I guess he thought I was flirting or something. I guess even Darwin doesn't like to visit Texas.

Austin is like a small part of Southern California (weirdness included) dropped into the middle of Texas. It's totally unlike any other city in the state.

**SNORK** @ mudstuffin's choice.

A google search for 'literate texans' turn up 54 hits. Is that a lot?

Hammie - hey, now - we SoCal's are good weird. We extradite all our bad weirdness to Texas and Florida, where they don't have to pay state taxes, n'est ce pas?

Well, Hell, once you learn how to shoot, you don't need no more learnin'.
You Yankees come on down to visit. Y'hear.

Can I wet my pants laughing now? Is Nostradamus watching us? Is Jeanne Dixon on your staff, Dave?

***MASSIVE SNORKAGE***

(keels over in hemmorhagic snork attack)

I can only vouch for a couple of layovers at the Dallas airport. Those were the only times I've beenn in Texas. No more weirder than the people in our eternally under destructionconstruction airport - MIA.

Siouxie, That song popped into my head too. When the loonie found out I was being transfered here, I got a 5 minute voicemail about how Houston was too good for me, I didn't deserve it, etc.

I think she wanted me back.

I meant that in a nice way, AWBH. The most common bumper sticker in Austin is, "Keep Austin Weird." I miss it.

An old Vermonter was chewing the fat with a Texan one day. The Texan, as they are wont to do, was bragging about his spread.

"Back in Texas," says he, "it takes me a full day just to ride all the way around my ranch."

The Vermonter thought about this for a bit, and finally replied. "Ayup, I once had a horse like that myself."

***snork @ EVERYONE, esp mud's haiku***

DAVE - thank you for writing another column. In order to keep you well-stocked in humorous fodder, we here in California are hard at work dredging up more strange oddities for export to your 3rd-weird country. May the farce be with you....and not us.

*grabs the extra 'n' from up there yonder*

Is the bar open yet?

In Florida and Texas, the bar never closes. NTTAWWT.

what's with all the texas burns?

there's still sane people..i know, we're a dying breed.

Okay, it's officially getting weird down there.

Okay, it's officially getting weird down there.

Beppie-I think they make a cream for that.

Okay, I have no idea how I just posted twice! The page disappeared, then the bot showed up and I think it knows I want to kill it.

Join the club, Beppie. Join the club. *sigh*

Do they still have drive-through windows at bars in Texas?

Maybe Dave wouldn't have recommended Cincinatti as the new home of the weirdness magnet if he knew more about the "Queen City" (official nickname)or "porkopolis" (old nickname) . Sure, it's not South Florida, but it has it's weirdness (about a 0.12 on the South FL weird-o-meter).

The unofficial symbol of the city is the flying pig.And this site is dedicated to finding and promoting Cinti weird.

And not to mention those fortnightly human sacrifices at the old Proctor and Gamble plant

maybe Toledo? (no, Devo came from there)


wally, wally wally. devo came from akron, not toledo.

That's it. I'm moving. I can't take this anymore. Next thing that'll happen is someone will tell me that it can snow in Miami. HA, I say! It's IMPOSSIBLE, NEVER HAPPENED and WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

*sigh*

What? Say that again? What about 1977?

D'OH! How could I forget the "rubber capital of the world"? I'm sure something came from Toledo besides Funky Winkerbean.

I don't know -- this is not too far from Cincinnati and it if I saw this I'd probably drive off the road.

http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/OHMONjesus.html

*Ahem @ TBFKA Matt*

You may, with Judge Larry, continue to dig.

Finally, this explains everything happening on "Lost."

Osky wow, Hugh Betcha (ubetcha) - is that a giant statue of Jesus waving frantically for a life preserver as he sinks in quicksand? I'd say that's up to (or down to) SoFla standards.


Weasel Can't post here, but I sent him the article and he has this to say:

But you know what, I don’t think his (Dave's) plan will work… the magnet is too big. Magnets have two poles, and the other end of the magnet is clearly here in southern California. So this is clearly one huge magnet.


Unless of course the other end of the magnet is opposite in nature, and therefore a giant Seriousness pole. Hmmm, maybe that’s already in Cincinnatti. So the trick would be to not remove the magnet, but to reverse its polarity. I’m opposed to this, because then Dave would become all serious and not have anything to write about.

Siouxie, is there any other kind?

*glances out window at St. Louis' Gateway Arch*

Some people theorize that it's really a giant magnet that attracks large-a$$ed tourists with fanny packs who INSIST on getting photos of their families at the base, yet try to get the top of the Arch in the shot.

HA!

Is the bar open yet?

were are in Miami....it doesnt ever close

very true, Scott!!

OK, FKAMatt, here you go:

Best waterpark in the world: Schlitterbahn, in New Braunfels, a short hour's drive from my house

Largest inland port: Laredo, Texas

World's largest rose garden: Tyler, Texas

The Heisman Trophy is named for John Heisman, first coach at Rice University in HOUSTON, Texas.

Winter home of America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes: Matagorda Island, Texas

Live music capital of the world: Austin, Texas

Only state to have been an independent republic: Texas.

Some of the friendliest people in the world live here, and some of the most generous. Which state opened its arms to the largest number of Katrina refugees? Yep, Texas.

This state has deserts, (small) mountains, beautiful beaches, and pine forests. Plus, Rhode Island would fit inside the King Ranch. It's a great place to live, cuz most folks around here are neighborly and remember their manners. Many of the ones who don't are transplants.

(Although, unfortunately, Houston is NOT the best representative for the state. My daughter interned at NASA one summer, and her roommate was from England. They came to Austin to celebrate the 4th of July (ironic), and the roommate thanked us for showing her that all of Texas wasn't like Houston--she thought Austin and our lakes were beautiful!)

*Settles back in chair, shotgun across lap*

Oh, and as for "literate" Texans, don't forget Pulitzer-Prize winner Larry McMurtry, author of Lonesome Dove.

Sorry, JD, gotta correct you on one point. Vermont was also a Republic, I do believe.

Also, did you know that if you cut Alaska in half, Texas would be the third largest state? :-D

(I've lived in all three states; I'm allowed to make jokes...)

I stand corrected, CH. However, Texas was the only state to enter the Union via treaty rather than annexation.

Alaska is WAY TOO COLD! ;-)

JD,
I've been living in San Antonio, and working in New Braunfels for about a month and a half now, and this area is nice. The people are completely different than in Houston too.

Just to let you know though, Heisman may have finished his coaching career at Rice, but he coached Clemson longer, and first.

And I dont believe the first 13 states were annexed either.


In the course of researching the Republic of Vermont, JD, I came across this citation, which indicates that not only Vermont, but California, Hawaii and parts of Louisiana were also independent nations prior to joining the US.

Furthermore, while I can't dig up an explicit reference offhand, I believe that Vermont joined the Union of its own free will, becoming the first state after the original 13 colonies.

Ayup, Vermont asked to be added to the union. You can read the original Act accepting their petition here.

Sorry, Ducky. ;-)

Ducky, did you ever hear this on the radio?

FKAMatt, *snork!*

OK, wait. Aren't the Young Adventurers really just a bunch of pedophiles who travel the earth looking for young boys? There was a South Park episode about this. I think they killed Chef, right?

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