EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

Comments

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Voted People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Contains No Trans Fats

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
What You Want When You Want It

[mm]

yeah, but too specific, chantale... might involve effort if he's held to it. So of course we jump right in with more specifics.

Am I allowed to say coffee's on in this thread?

[Siouxie]

morning mm,

coffee's good!! would love some. maybe we'll even come up with some slogans for Dave huh??

[mm]

once the brain's loosened up. Need the coffee for lubricant, or whatever. Thing is, all the good ones have been used already. Except for you, Sioux, and MtB, who keep cranking them out. Where do you get them?

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Just Say "Whoa!"

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
A Panderer With Conviction

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Champion Of Breakfasts

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Your Values, His Backbone

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry for President
He'll put all the illegals to work in the White House, so you don't have to worry about them stealing YOUR jobs.

[Meanie the Blue]

Thanks, mm. Actually, it's because Chantale is right that I feel I must keep trying.

C...o...f...f...e...e....Bless you!

[Siouxie]

we should be slapped ...make us stop!!!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Fair and Unbalanced

[mm]

I thought about taking the coffee discussion over to Andy's Dave Barry Blogit forum, so as not to disturb the pristine quality of this thread, but (the forum's) not really quite ready yet. No-one was there.

[fudtheman]

I'm sorry sioux, but the trans-fat one has already been used (although I like your wording better).

[Siouxie]

it's ok fud, I've tried to read them all...really! I've had some of mine reposted so..it's all in fun right?

[crossgirl]

mmmmmmmmmmmmm, coffee!
you know, i'm not sure if i should pass this on, but i heard a rumor that dave is running for president....

[crossgirl]

mmmmmmmmmmmmm, coffee!
you know, i'm not sure if i should pass this on, but i heard a rumor that dave is running for president....

[crossgirl]

mmmmmmmmmmmmm, coffee!
you know, i'm not sure if i should pass this on, but i heard a rumor that dave is running for president....

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Dave, Dave, Dave....

Took me all weekend, but I figured it out. It wasn't the slogan! You just have to reach a wider demographic!

Dave Barry for President
(Su libro nuevo estará en español pronto)

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry for President
If anyone else uses this slogan, I'll kill 'em.

Dave Barry For President
...

Dave Barry For President
It's hard to rememeber 1000+ slogans, so I hope this one hasn't been used yet.

[Siouxie]

morning, cg! feeling better I hope??

and what a great idea!!! he's gonna need a new bumper sticker/slogan....something like:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Well...Duh!!

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
Act Now! While Supplies Last! Please send SASE to...

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
OK, I'm over it.

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
He can take a joke.

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll actually smoke the cigar.

[Meanie the Blue]

If You Don't Vote For Dave
The Real Lose Is You!

[Meanie the Blue]

LoseR

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Live-blogging 24 from the White House!

[turtle900]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Experience Sold Seperately

[turtle900]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Experience Sold Seperately

[crossgirl]

thanks siouxie, i'm good. you think dave might need some help coming up with a slogan?

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry turns Presidential

[Siouxie]

I dunno, cg...but this is it for me...I'm off to get my car fixed...I hope.

again...my apologies if this was posted before:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Void where prohibited by law.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Ooops he did it again!

[Meanie the Blue]

Dave Barry. For President.
The Courage Of Your Convictions.

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
The bot just made me type "zh3h/yh"

I'm pretty sure this is old, but:

Dave Barry For President
Excelling in Mediocrity

[gfunksizzle]

Dave Barry for Vice-President:
He does less work anyway.

[AmerInParis]

I can't take credit for the following -- it's paraphrased from Dave's book on turning 50 -- and as others have said, apologies if this is a repeat of someone elses:

Dave Barry for President
Hell yes he inhaled!

;-)

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
(Refresh for another)

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
Because everyone deserves a bottle of liquid ass.

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
j/k

[fudtheman]

or:

Dave Barry For President
j/k LOL, OMG

Dave Barry For President
Just Push Ctrl-V

[Mot the Hoople]

Mornin' bloglits, been wondering if we were going to get anything to turn all your awesome intellect to other than making up slogans today.

[FleaBailey]

A twist on one of my earlier suggestions:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll never leave the yellowcake out in the rain

[Barøn© vønKlyff®]

Dave Barry for President
You can trust a man with an Oosik

Dave Barry for President
He needs an excuse to strumpet overseas

Dave Barry for President
Bulletin, Bulletin, ONG Bulletin

Dave Barry for President
And you too can fondle Punkin's Bazoomage

Dave Barry for President
And your handbasket is free

[Jeff Meyerson]

*snork* at I JUST SAVED A BUNCH OF MONEY ON MY
CAR INSURANCE BY VOTING FOR DAVE BARRY

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's Never Been Attacked By a Giant Swimming Rabbi!

Rabbi, JP? I'd like to see a picture of that!

[Barøn© vønKlyff®]

*sneaks back and changes ONG into OMG*

[PirateBoy]

Now when will the feds (Not k-fed1) kick in millions of dollars in grants and such? Think of the party! We could actually hire the RBR's, and pay them with real money!

[Meditrina]

Pirateboy - I read that the Presidential campaigners will spend over $1 Billion - about the same amount as sending an expedition to the moon again.

The moon is more deserving than the politicians!

[crossgirl]

Vote for Dave Barry,
and you may experience an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours.
*Please consult your doctor*

[fudtheman]

davebarryforpresident.com
Visit the website for more details.

Dave Barry For President
Because everyone deserves a 19th chance.

[AmerInParis]

Dave Barry for President
He'll invade France!

No, wait, I'm not sure about that one...

Vote Dave Barry
for a White House that Rocks!

Vote for Dave Barry
Baby Boomer

Dave Barry for President
If an Actor, why not a Humor Writer?

Dave Barry for President
His pullet surprise is avian free

Sorry, I'm suffering mal de mer from having to use the zoom and the wrong glasses to work -- I think it's making me a bit loopy.

That and the thrill of Dave running for President.

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
1. Ctrl-A
2. Ctrl-C
3. Ctrl-V
4. Goto 3

[mudstuffin]

ok, getting in on this really late and i read only a couple hundred suggestions before my eyes crossed, so these are probably listed somewhere above but:

Dave Barry for Presisent
*Snork!*

Dave Barry for President
"C'mon, It'll be Fun!"

really - if dave wants to be president he has my staunch support. after all, he has put up with my rantings and tinfoil-hat comments for at least four years now. this would be like giving him equal time. no i don't know what "staunch" means, but it sounds like the gaseous result of a saurkraut supper, IFKWIM.

ok, one more:

DAVE BARRY
"Like the Gaseous Result of a Saurkraut Supper" or something

[FleaBailey]

I'm With Stupid
VOTE DAVE BARRY PRESIDENT

[Alex]

DAVE BARRY FOR (something)
That may or may not be "president" depending on whether he changes it once elected.

[AmerInParis]

Oh wait, here's another!

Dave Barry for President
He won't brake for squirrels!!!

[Jeff Meyerson]

And of course The Giant Swimming Rabbis WBAGNFARB

[judi]

fud, i was thinking about control-alt-delete but couldn't figure out how to make it funny ;) but i'm not sure what yours means. (ignorant, perhaps, but honest!)

[Esther]

Dave Barry for President:
Raise your glass...and lower your expectations

Dave Barry: Champion of Mediocrity

Dave Barry: The Other White Meat

Dave Barry for President: Most of my Foreign Policy will involve Running Away very Swiftly in the Opposite Direction

[Stevie W]

(not because it's that great, but only because I don't think it's been said yet...)

ATTENTION ALL UNITS
----VOTE FOR DAVE----

[Stevie W]

TNEDISERP ROF YRRAB EVAD
!!DOAR EHT NO SEYE RUOY PEEK

[Cat R.]

I DID read them all, over two days, and I can;t honestly remember if these have been offered up yet:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Making Pirate the National Language

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A Scalawag for the People

*****and I'm SNORKING anew at
"Dave Barry For President
OMGWTFBBQ
Posted by: fudtheman | 07:43 AM on February 19, 2007"

[fudtheman]

Judi-

Select all
Copy
Paste
Repeat paste

[fudtheman]

Thanks Cat R.

Judi -
1. Select All (Dave Barry For President)
2. Copy
3. Paste
4. Repeat Paste:

Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
Dave Barry For President
...etc.

[fudtheman]

Sure, now it posts both of them.

[Cat R.]

"Posted by: Stevie W | 10:19 AM on February 19, 2007" inspired this:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Objects in mirror may be smarter than they appear

[Heinrich the Lab Rat]

Dave Barry for President:
He always plans ahea

Dave barry for President:
At least he gets the jokes

Dave barry for President:
Keep the Remainders off the street

[Heinrich the Lab Rat]

Barry '08:
It's not like he has a weekly column to occupy his time.

[Rusty1]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Do It For America

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Don't Waste Your Vote

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because you can't vote for Buchwald

[fudtheman]

Art Buchwald For President
Because you CAN vote for Buchwald

[ShadowKatmandu]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's not Tom Tancredo

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
I am not making this up

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Or he'll have Jack Bauer shoot you in the thigh

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
WBAGNFARB

[Cat R.]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
It's only four years - how much damage can he do?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Mission accomp....impossible?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
'Cause the coffee's kickin in!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because as your mother told you,
In America, anyone can grow up and be
President of the United States!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
That'll piss 'em off!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
I'm Dave Barry, and
I approve this message

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Paid for by Bloglits for Change

You asked for it, you got it
DAVE BARRY

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz,
Oh, what a relief he is!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll return us to the innocent days
before LindsTwiLton, when
a glimpse of underpants was accidental!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
UNDERPANTS UNDERPANTS UNDERPANTS

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Until we get universal healthcare
and can afford our meds!

Apologies for any repeats due to my geezer memory skills...although I'm prety sure at least one or two of these came only out of my own warped brain...

[le sequoit]

Funny Mentals Support Dave Barry for President.
________________________________________________

Dave Barry for President

Humor Me

[Malcolm]

I like Judi's unwitting contribution:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Ignorant, perhaps, but honest

[le sequoit]

Funny Mentals Support Dave Barry for President.
________________________________________________

Dave Barry for President

Humor Me

[Geordie2]

From the UK D.B 4 POTUS 08. a.k.a Geordie2

Dave Barry - Been shaving since he was 16.

Dave Barry - He's got a reversible name!

Dave Barry - Putting the 'pits' in politics.

Dave Barry - At least he's not French.

Dave Barry - I was kidding in 04.

[queensbee]

Dave Barry for President. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Eleanor]

*zips in*

Cat R, I like this one a lot. As they who use fancy words say, it resonates with me. :)
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
It's only four years - how much damage can he do?

[Cat R.]

Thanks, El! :-)

[OtheU(manity)]

DBfP
He's NOT AFRAID of STRUMPETING

[OtheU(manity)]

DBfP
He's NOT AFRAID of STRUMPETING

[OtheU(manity)]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT

HE'LL GET THE M%#@&R!^*#!&G ROBOT OFF THE INTERNET!!!

[ScottMGS]

I'm stupid and I didn't vote for Dave Barry
Are you stupid, too?

[Layzeeboy]

VOTE DAVE BARRY!
'Cause Everybody Else is Busy Doin' Stuff

[kibby F5]

Dave Barry for President
Taking America to new lows!

Dave Barry for President
Deranged, loving it and so can you!

Dave Barry for President
Taking NOTHING serious!

Dave Barry for President
Have you seen his platform!?
...neither has he.

[Cat R.]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
C'mon, get happy!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Love, American Style!

DAVE BARRY
Your Hippie Dippie President

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
I'm a Pepper, He's a Pepper
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A 4-footed duck in every pot

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
It's a good thing. OK, It's a funny thing.

"GOT DAVE?"

If you think it's butter but it's not, it's
DAVE BARRY

DAVE! BARRY! FOR! PRESIDENT!
Can you hear me now?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Just do it.
You know you want to.

[I'm not sure what sent me back to the seventies this morning.]

[FLOPPY]

does anyone really want the bottle of ass

[Eleanor]

not me, but I'm hoping that's a joke and there's a real, very funny and great prize, and living in this fantasy world is what keeps me going. :)

[Steve R.]

1. Two quarts low but still pretty slick.

2. Barbecues on the South Lawn every Thursday.

3. As American as everything else, including Japan.

4. He's not nuts but he'll protect yours.

5. He is presently still aware of his surroundings and can recite his full name, but this could change at any time once he moves to Washington.

[Cat R.]

Floppy, no, I don't, but I'm caffeinated now and have a day off work.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Your EASY button

I don't wanna grow up,
I'm a Dave 'R' Us kid

A Little Dave'll Do Ya

What's in YOUR wallet?
Well, send it to Dave.
He's running for President

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Unböring

Help, We've fallen and we can't get up!
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT

DAVE BARRY
I'm not a president, but I play one on the blog

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The toughest job he'll ever love

Ok, stick a fork in me, I think I'm done.

[Moon]

I read that the Presidential campaigners will spend over $1 Billion - about the same amount as sending an expedition to the moon again.

The moon is more deserving than the politicians!

Why, thank you. I don't know what to say.

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He needs something to do in his spare time.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Lets give him a real job.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll paint the White House blue.

[abilicious]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Oh, like you could do better?