EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

Comments

[Hammond Rye]

Did someone say beer?

[Jazzzz]

El....Huey just choked on a big wad of kakulia grass.

[Guin]

VOTE FOR DAVE.
OR WE WILL KILL THIS DEFENSELESS TOILET.

[Beppie]

Vote For Dave Barry!
"With The Now Elevated Threat For Terrorism, I Could Use A Private Underground Bunker."

[AnotherBob]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The Third Time's the Charm

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry
Fashion is his Passion

[insomniac]

Amy Tan for secretary of education...restoring 'discipline' to our schools!

"don't paddle kids, paddle their parents!"

[crossgirl]

cheers, med! at least they care about you, misguided as they may be.

[dWj]

Dave Barry
He doesn't know that Bono isn't American.

(I, for one, am willing to support anyone who knows even less about Bono than I do; it has to indicate something good.)

The pope isn't "an American" either, but I try to keep religion out of politics, anyway.

[Eleanor]

I'm watching the playoff jazzzz, I just sent you an e-mail.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
It's Not Like You Care

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
You've Seen All The Rest, Now Try The Best

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He Won't Pardon Anyone!

[Jazzzz]

dWj... *snork* I'm with you on the Bono thing. You would think he could afford a last (or maybe first?) name

[Eleanor]

private message to Jazzzz - YAY!!!

[Jazzzz]

Sent you one back, El. :-D

[Meditrina]

Thanks, cg. Needed the half full perspective.

[Eleanor]

sent you another, jazzzz, a true ROFL!

*tries really hard not to smirk*

*fails*

[Meanie the Blue]

*ahem* El & jazz: Just a thought...

[Stevie W]

DAVE ON THE ISSUES:

DAVE supports
--gun control
--remote control
--cruise control
--cruise missiles
--tom cruise
--tomahawk missiles
--emission control
--control-top stockings, and
--stove-top stuffing.

--Global pre-heating (to 350; 325 in a convection oven)

DAVE on women's issues. He supports:
--A woman's right to schmooze
--A woman's right to booze
(as described in that seminal feminal tome, "Our Bodies, our Smells," by seminal feminal authoress Germaine Jackson, also famous for her work, "The Female Eunuch and Other Romanian Medical Mishaps");

DAVE on the death penalty:
--opposes it but supports life in the electric chair (courtesy Steven Wright)

DAVE on gay education:
--No behind left behind

DAVE on illegal immigration:
--Don't ask. (He's on the fence).

[Mr. Completely]

Dave Barry for President
'Cause he can pronounce "nuclear".

[Jessica R.]

Dave Barry for President
Shout it from the Ramparts

or
Vote for Dave
The Barry best man for President!

[Nathan]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Boogeriffic, Toiletastic, Presidential

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Apologies In Advance

[Eleanor]

They sure give their rooms funny (as in weird) names, Blue. :)

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's bringing sexy back.

[CJrun]

*snork* @ (He's on the fence)!

[Meditrina]

For once, I don't envy Mr. or Ms. Blog. How will they ever choose a winner from "this bunch?!"

Hmmmmm.... just like us on election day!

[Estelle Chauvelin]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because if politics is a joke, it should contain the word "booger."

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Raise the ratings for CSPAN.

If Dave's running on an "exile Manilow" platform, maybe Stephen Colbert could be convinced to be his running mate.

[Jeff Meyerson]

I don't think Albert Einstein will answer Dave's call, but maybe he can get his sons, Super Dave Osborne and Albert Brooks.

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
or Chloe Will Taser You

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Batteries Not Included

[Dan]

***Vote for Dave Barry***
because Edgar is still dead...

[spacemom]

Dave Barry for President
'cuz the squirrels are coming

Dave Barry for President
Don't wonder about the his competence...know!

[Dan]

***Vote for Dave Barry***
or Jack will shoot your wife in the knee.

[Dan]

***Vote for Dave Barry***
or Jack will shoot your wife in the knee.

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Really Scare Congress
Vote Dave Barry for President

[AvidReader]

How about:

VOTE DAVE BARRY
or he'll sic Stephen King on you...

[Beppie]

Vote For Dave Barry
Cause He Knows That Jack Bauer's Nephew Is Really His Son If You Do The Math, And Catch The Desperate Glances Of His Former Lover/Sister In Law

[Moon]

Vote for Dave
"Whattya mean, I have to register?"

[Jazzzz]

El............."You've got mail"

[AvidReader]

Or:

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT!
VOTE RABID DRAPERY FERNS!
Anagrams Must Mean *Something*!

Feel free to replace 2nd line with one of the following:

RIPE FEDS VOTER BARNYARD

VOTE BEER FIND SPRY RADAR

VOTE DARN FRAYS BEER DRIP

VOTER AFAR BRED NERD YIPS

VOTER BRANDED FAIRY REPS

VOTE SPARRED RANDY FIBER

VOTE BEDPANS FRIAR DRYER

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's not full of Tancredo.

[Meditrina]

Uh, Sioux. Grab the not. :)

That's why we love him, no?

[Dan]

***Dave***
********** '08
***Barry***

[ScottMGS]

Vote for... uh, Dave? Dave? No, man Dave's not here.

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Dave Barry For President
He sincerely agrees with you

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Because Washington Can't Save Itself

[AvidReader]

::: pouting :::

Really thought the rabid drapery ferns would get a better response...

::::sniff::::

[Siouxie]

LOL Med

Not sure if these were posted...so sorry...

Dave Barry For President
Boogers are his Beat

Dave Barry For President
Time to put a real booger in the White House

Dave Barry For President
He's not Anna Nicole's baby-daddy!

[Jazzzz]

Siouxie....
Anna Nicole's baby name= Danielyn
My name =Daniel Lynn

coincidence? I think not!!
Please deposit $475,000,000 into my account.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He Thinks What You Think, We Think

[Anna Nicole's ThiefAttorney]

Jazzzz.... I wire transferred the money, less my percentage and bank fees. You should receive $4.75 shortly.

[Just Ducky]

I JUST SAVED A BUNCH OF MONEY ON MY
CAR INSURANCE BY VOTING FOR DAVE BARRY

[AvidReader]

Dave Barry! Apply Directly to...

Oh, never mind.

[Eleanor]

Don't pout Avid. No one did a dance for me either and I still like everyone. :)

[Jazzzz]

*snork* ANTA !!

[Dan]

**Vote for Dave Barry**
or we're in "Big Trouble" (c)

Send your concern rays to
Dave Barry for President.
Running on the wild party ticket.
(not a bad name for a rock band)

[AvidReader]

Thanks, Eleanor! Actually, much too busy snorking to pout. ;)

[AvidReader]

How 'bout:

Dave Barry for President!
Has Never Broken a Single Campaign Promise!

(The unelected have a clear advantage in this area.)

[Dan]

**Vote for Dave Barry**
He just might win!!!

[Siouxie]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
All the dead Florida voters will!

[Quinn Zuk]

Dave for President He'll put a parameter around Iran

Dave for president all other politicians have failed so why not

[crossgirl]

*snork* at siouxie's dead floridians.

[AvidReader]

Okay, after reading nearly 600 posts, my eyeballs are about to fall out.

Judi, best of luck narrowing it down out of all these winners. Why can't Dave have about 500 different stickers, hmmm?

Dave, so glad you're running (again)! I'm with you every step of the way! (Unless I see a shoe sale or something; then you're on your own.)

'Night, all.

[Malcolm]

Another Alert Reader For Dave
BARRY '08

[FLAGNARG]

We vote politicians in to office so why not comedians/authors

[harlanar]

VOTE FOR DAVE
Won't Play guitar while in office

DAVE BELIEVES IN:
Birth Control: A child every 20 years

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry
Tolerable

[Z-Nad]

**Vote for Dave Barry**
and put "Hail to the Chief" in his “Book of Bad Songs” ©

[PirateBoy]

VOTE DAVE BARRY:
He's written more books than Bush has ever read

[Anna Nicole's ThiefAttorney]

PirateBoy - Did you forget about Dr. Seuss?

[Meditrina]

PirateBoy - Did you forget about Dr. Seuss?

Dam! I always tell on myself, real life and blog life. I am such a bad liar!

[Jazzzz]

*vows to quit reading books so I can become multi-millionaire and President*

[Jazzzz]

It's been fun today guys. *snorks* to all !! Sleep well. :-)

[Jen]

AvidReader,

The anagrams were great but VOTE BEDPANS FRIAR DRYER really resonates with me as a voter.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Give Him Four Years, Give The Rest Twenty To Life

[Wahooligan]

Vote for Dave

Because Babelfish translates "A todo chulo se le cae un moco de su lapa" to "To all insolent one a snot of his falls to him lapa" and that's good enough for me

[danceswithvowels]

DBFP ... and try Reverb Of Despair!
(Dandy Reverb For Pirates!)

Star end: vapory Freebird

[FleaBailey]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll never leave the cake out in the rain.

Or

Let's all set a precedent
And vote Dave Barry President

[danceswithvowels]

The Bustle In Your Hedgerow

Ask Your Doctor If Dave Is Right For You

Because Blood Is Thicker Than Walter
[adult swim] Ewwww.

[JP]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT*
*side effects may include State of Union addresses you can actually stay awake through, increased beer imports, flatulence, increased booger awareness, sharp chest pains (from laughing), and, in rare circumstances, nuclear war.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Get Some Presidential Satisfaction

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because The Other Candidates are Satanists/Communists/Nazis/Druggies/Idiots/Chamillionaire Fans

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Remember How Fun It Was Electing The Class Clown To Student Council?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's Never Been Attacked By a Giant Swimming Rabbi!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Does Hillary Own a Walrus Penis Bone?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because America is Ready To Have a Guy In The Oval Office

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Actually, This Doesn't Seem Like Such A Bad Idea....

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Puttin' the "Mock" Back In Democracy

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
*insert picture of Dave's face on the $(1? 69? 99? 0?) bill*

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The Tastiest Beer Is At The Bottom of the BArrel

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The Winds Of Change... Or Flatulence

[Cat R.]

Barry 'Em Alive in '08!

[ok, even I don't know what that means...maybe sombody can work on it...?]

[Cat R.]

or somebody, even

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT

DR: BRITNEY SPEAR FAD OVER

[lairbo]

LTTG but here goes:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He Swears He Won't Make Stuff Up

VOTE DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's From Florida, So He's Gonna Win, Anyway
(Unless Somebody from Ohio is Running)

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll do a better job than any of the presidents on 24.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
It'd be just like that movie where Robin Williams gets elected, except funnier.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's less ridiculous than the rest of them.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
What the World Needs Now

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because 579 Bloglits Can't Be Wrong

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
What the World Needs Now

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
If We're Going to be a Joke, Let's Go with a Pro!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
In Your Heart, You Know We Could Do Worse

[Jessica R.]

Vote for Dave
Keep America laughing.

Dave Barry for President
Keep Congress in stitches

Maybe if we keep those maroons laughing long enough, they'll quit arguing and start legislating.

[USUaggie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A pick for the booger.

[with the British Consulate]

Let Dave Drive America!
Reclaim the fast lane.

Vote for Dave Barry:
The Do-it-Yourself President

Vote for Dave Barry!
Find out the real speed limit

[jydop]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Seriously, who else have you got?

[ScottMGS]

Official campaign haiku:

Remember to vote
Dave Barry for President
He's a real guy's guy

[abilicious]

VOTE DAVE BARRY
and receive a FREE Florida driver's license!

DAVE BARRY
as seen on tv

DAVE BARRY '08
fits in a clear, one-quart zip-top bag

VOTE FOR DAVE
We dare you!

VOTE FOR DAVE
That's "Ask President Language Person" to you

[Ross]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
His Presidential Library will have books that people will colour in.

And I would just like to point out that I was first with wbagnfarb at 11.33 pm on the 17th. Neener neener neener.

[AlanBoss]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
I got nuthin'

(Heck, there's nothin' left.)

[BillyJoeJimBob]

DB4P
Why else would he have that "666" birthmark?

DB4P
He's not just a Libertarian; he's a funny Libertarian.

[jydop]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Endorsed by Jack Baur and Chole

[Huzzah07]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Save America, Save the World!

[AmerInParis aka EXTREMELY FEARFUL FLYER]

Dave Barry for President
Elect a professional joker for a change!

Dave Barry for President
A joke, but an intentional one

Dave Barry for President
You've tried amateur jokers, now try a professional!

Dave Barry for President
DELIBERATELY funny!

[AmerInParis]

Oh mercredi -- I left my glasses at home and so didn't notice I hadn't changed my name back. Also not sure about spelling -- the code thing was a hoot. I mean, come on, is a robot going to mistake an e for an o???

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry For President
**SPAM** Free pron with evry vot3!

Dave Barry For President
OMGWTFBBQ

Dave Barry For President
Seriously

(look at the top pic).

Dave Barry For President
Offer void after November 4th

Dave Barry For President
Just say Yes.

Dave Barry For President
I can't believe he's not President! Ok, the thing with "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!™" is that it really doesn't taste anything at all like butter. So I guess what I'm saying here is that Dave is really nothing at all like a President. Which is why you should vote for him.

[Siouxie]

Good morning'

more...my apologies if they've been posted before...I've tried to read them all.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He won't forget his underwear.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He invented the internet.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He blames Global Warming

[chantale]

Some great slogan suggestions here, but in all honesty, nothing made me laugh harder than "He's Like, Whatever". HILARIOUS.

[chantale]

Some great slogan suggestions here, but in all honesty, nothing made me laugh harder than "He's Like, Whatever". HILARIOUS.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He's Not An Incumbent

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Refreshingly Unburdened By Conscience

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
The UnCandidate

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Are. You. Ready?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Independent. Liberal. Conservative. Not Necessarily In That Order.