EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

Comments

[foggiest notion]

Dave for Prez
The Bot Stops Here

Vote for Dave
The Barry Best!

[PirateBoy]

Dave Barry for President.
"Elect me, or I'll write another book."

[Kurtis W.]

Dave Barry. If you gotta vote for an ass, might as well make it a smart one.

[Just Ducky]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Ask Not What Dave Barry Can Do For You
Ask What You Can Do For Dave Barry

[fivver]

DAVE BARRY FOR...
Oh look, something shiny.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
His Chad Won't Hang

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
What's Good For Leetieheads Is Good For America

[PirateBoy]

Dave for President:
Who would you rather look at for 4 years?

a) First Husband Billy Clinton

b) Mrs. TheBlog

Dave for President:
Have Joy!

[Meanie the Blue]

Buy American.
Elect Dave Barry!

[Bill S.]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
1947 - THE FIRE PIG - 2007

[kj]

If you've got a really big bumper...

DAVE BARRY
Not only are we going to New Hampshire. We're going to South Carolina and Canada and Arizona and the dump station in North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to Phuket and Texas and Oregon. And we're going to South Dakota and MySore and Washington and Michigan and lots of other places that may or may not be in the USA. And then we're going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House. Ye-aah-aah-aah-ah!!!

[kj]

DAVE BARRY
Find out why there's an eyeball on the dollar!

[Meditrina from the Hostile Family Compound]

Dave Barry for President
Trans-Fat Free

Dave Barry for President
Say No to Drugs, Yes to beer

Dave Barry for President
Political Comic Relief

Don't Buy War Bonds
Buy Dave Barry for President

Dave Barry for President
Unleash Florida Drivers on DC

Dave Barry for President
Fresh Perspective. Same Old Sh!t.

[spinner8]

I really like the Cat R.'s historical link and think that the nation is ready for a reprise of James K. Polk's winning slogan from 1844:

Reannexation of Texas and reoccupation of Oregon

Or, if not that, Henry Clay's losing slogan of 1844 would also appear to work pretty well these days:

Who is James K. Polk?

If an original slogan is required to win, then how about:

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
He'll win the purple states

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
No New Ideas, No New Columns

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
Because skateboarding is not a crime, yet.

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
So Honest He Paid for Ice Water at WALL DRUG

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
No More Lines at HALT HISNEY HORLD

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
He's Old Enough to Be Your Father

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
Will Run America for $99.95

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
Until Keith Richards Quits, and The Rolling Stones hire DAVE

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
It's a Pretty Good Afternoon in America

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
in 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012, however long it takes

or

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
Renewable Energy from Barley, Hops and Yeast

or, not original to me, but my favorite from above:

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
I Swear I Am Not Making This Up

Good Luck, Dave. Where should we send our campaign contributions?

[Meditrina in hiding at the Hostile Family Compound]

Dave Barry for President
Post your vote by proving that you are human below.

Dave Barry for President
Anti-Spammer

[kj]

Please add a FOR PRESIDENT to the preceding posts and an IQ point or two for my brain...

[PirateBoy]

Because 5 out of 5 politicians can't be wrong.

[Art Vandelay]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Putting a Perimeter around Terrorism

[YaWellNoFine]

I like so many of them! Especially Bucket, Kaffey, bbescuela, Jazzz and Meanie the Blue. But, how can one improve on "insert your political beliefs here". DAVE, let us know when the bumper stckers are available -- I can hardly wait to buy one, to waste money, OR contribute to your political campaign .

[pogo]

Borrow Kinky Friedman's slogan - "If you look at the last 6 we've had, how hard can it be?"

[spinner8]

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
He'll Wash His Hands Before Returning to Work

[Beppie]

Dave Barry For President!
He's The Drink'N Party!

[Beppie]

Oh, and thank you Jeff! :)

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
These Columns Don't Run

[Dave]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(Sale Ends November 4th)

[Cheesewiz]

DAVE BARRY IN 2008
Sophie's Choice

[Beppie]

Or,
Vote For Dave
Cause He Knows What "Party" Means.

[Cheesewiz]

Dave Barry for President
Nobody's Handbag

[Beppie]

Dave For President
"If We Only Let Florida Vote, We Are Sure We Could Win Somehow."

[Psycho Joe]

Vote Dave Barry for President
He's not a political puppet.

Dave Barry for President
If not, it'll be another mutton-head idiot taking his place.

Say YES to Dave Barry and say NO to mutton-headed morons!

Ok, i'm cashed, if I make any more of the slogans, I'll be getting into the random stuff. ex....

Dave Barry for President
Better than a bunch of nails in your forehead!

Dave barry for President
Cheaper than salsa and twice as spicy!!

ect.

8>
Thank you.

[Andrew Hoenig]

Dave Barry - Intentionally funny.

Dave Barry - Funny on purpose

Dave Barry - He knows weasel poop

[Eleanor]

*snif* at Cheesewiz, Sophie's Choice.

And she already drew the poster. Have Joy. How could it be said any better than that?

[Eleanor]

private off topic message to Med: Hang in there, they can only kill you once. :)

[fknorm]

Dave Barry For President
Because It's Time To Inhale

Dave Barry For President
(Thanks to Claire Martin)

Dave Barry for President
He ROCKS!

[spinner8]

DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT
(or for Governor of Delaware, whichever's easier)

[Jazzzz]

private o/t message to El. Huey's ahead, but if I were playing with him, I'd just casually mention *you know who's* name, and he'd fold like a two egg pudding.

[CJrun]

El, I loved that one, too. but russellmc was the first with it [12:02].

[steve]

Dave Barry: He's no Millard Fillmore

[Gregory Lawhorn]

"Dave & Walter: An Administration With Class"

[marva637]

Dave Barry for President
BYOB

[CJrun]

=*=DAVE BARRY=*=
'Reporting For Doody!'

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Think Of The Doonesbury Potential!

[Beppie]

Dave Barry For President
"With The Shape Our Airlines Are In, I Need A Private Jet."

[Jazzzz]

*snork* @ CJ !!!!

[Edgar Greenberg]

Even us squirrels want
Dave Barry for President

[Leetie]

Only Dave Barry can save you from the Giant Leetie Heads.

[gfunksizzle]

Fuck it.
Dave Barry for President.

[Otterboy]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He'll do much better than Presidents Allstate or Manning.

[Ol' Chumbucket]

Dave Barry for President
And Bring on the Apocalypse

Dave Barry For President
"Bite the Wax Tadpole!"

Dave Barry for President
We've already tried and failed with experience and smarts

[Stevie W]

"Dave Barry For President
(Thanks to Claire Martin)"

Lol, fknorm.

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
It's Your Manifest Destiny

[Eleanor]

private o/t message to Jazzzz: crap.

[Leetie]

DB4P 2008: The Giant Knitted Thong campaign.

[Leetie]

Smarter than a sack of hammers.

[RichZ]

Dave Barry for President
You didn't vote for him last time, and look how that turned out!

[Punkin Poo]

*4 out of 5 dentists floss with Dave Barry!

*Dave Barry for President
"No New Texans!"

*He rules the third world, why not the Free World!

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Which One Did You Think I Meant?

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
In Blog We Trust

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
Act Now and get this Free George Foreman Grill!!

[Leetie]

Let your fingers do the walking.

[CJrun]

*snork* @ "No New Texans"

[Aaronak]

A vote for Dave Barry is a Vote For Whoever else you would have voted for if Dave weren't running.

[fudtheman]

I haven't had time to read them all yet, so I hope this isn't a repeat:

DAVE BARRY WBAGNFA President

[Jazzzz]

Vote for Dave Barry
.FIRST.

[fudtheman]

yep Med beat me to it, sorry.

[Suzy Q]

Vote for Dave Barry
He's not in a Coma. Today.

[Stevie W]

=*=DAVE BARRY=*=
'Reporting For Doody!'
************************
Boy am I dumb. I just got this now.
Hilarious, cj.

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry for President
If he wins it will be a joke of an election followed by a four-year long punchline.

[fudtheman]

DBFP
So he can start writing his memoirs and go on another book tour.

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Starring Harry Anderson

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A vote for Dave is a vote for Dave,
but a vote for someone else is not a vote for Dave.

[fudtheman]

DBFP
Enough Dick. Enough Bush. More Oosik.

[Monsoon]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
1992 1996 2000 2004 2008

[Jazzzz]

I'm getting a robotic spam generator to crank out repeated *snork @ SteveW*

[fudtheman]

Dave Barry for President
More votes! More votes! OK, sotp votes.

[fudtheman]

For those of you who don't get the last one

There's also a t-shirt already.

[Bismuth]

Dave Barry for President
Tough on politicians, tougher on other snakes.

[fudtheman]

I should probably mention there's graphic language in that video.

[Malcolm]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
History will vindicate him

[Guin]

My hackneyed contribution:

NO MO' LO-FLO
VOTE DAVE!!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Even The Chair Can Hear Him
- excellent

[Guin]

Dave Barry for President
Nobody's Handbag

xlnt, Cheezewiz

[Guin]

If You Like Blue Shirts,
Vote for Dave

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE
Flush To Judgement

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll put Judge Reinhold on the Supreme Court

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE
He really wants to be President-erect

[Guin]

A VOTE FOR DAVE
IS A VOTE FOR CHUCKLETROUSERS

VOTE FOR DAVE
So Armonk, New York, will finally be
THE BIRTHPLACE OF PRESIDENT DAVE BARRY.

[tom]

Dave Barry '08
Who else is going to stop the Rep. Tom Tancredo bandwagon?

[Cat R.]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT

Because JIBJAB needs a new face!

[Meditrina]

Thanks, El. I have escaped and found refuge at home with half-baked excuses. For some reason, my 87 year old Grandmother has decided my life needs an overhaul and she is just the gal to do it. Unfortunately, she knows >10%, and is so deaf that she only hears 30% of the conversation. I yelled at her last night (1st time ever!) and she started in on me again today. Big Balls runs in the family.

Blogbar is open, and I am pouring. Anyone in?

[Jeff Meyerson]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Chloe for Secretary of Defense

[Stevie W]

"History will vindicate him"

Lol, Malcolm.
----------------------------
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
You want fries with that?
----------------------------
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
You Can't Legislate Banality
----------------------------
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Working extra hard to make up for the fact that he has no slutty drunken daughters
----------------------------
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Four more beers! Four more beers!

[Punkin Poo]

==DAVE BARRY for President!==
Just like JFK, but smells better!

Dave Barry for President!
Qualified Schmalified!

[Jen]

DAVE BARRY FOR PREZ

And don't let Nader split the vote THIS time.

[Katie in FL]

Dave Barry for President
All Your Votes are Belong to U.S.!
It doesn't make sense, but works and doesn't work on many levels. It's just like the Federal Government.

[Hammond Rye]

490th!

Barry/Smith 2008!
After the last sixteen years, we need a break.

[waxwing]

Dave Barry for President
Millions of Mullet-wearing Voters Can't Be Wrong!

[crossgirl]

pssst med, i'll have what you're having. sorry about the bad day. think of the stories you'll have though!

[CJrun]

*snork* @ FOUR MORE BEERS!

Med, on that note, beer me, please!

[Davem_va]

Dave Barry for President
"This time he's serious"

[Meditrina]

*passes out beer and ouzo (breath freshener)*

cg - Not so much the stories, but a lesson on not offering advice or judgment unless someone asks or is on the payroll.

[slyeyes]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
His Presidential Library will have books that people will read.

**************************

Dave Barry for President
Ridley Pearson for Vice-President
judi for Secretary of State
RBR for the Cabinet

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry for President

Yeah, Right!