EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

Comments

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry
Coming to a book store near you!

[Naw, I can't do it.....]

*zips in*

*reviews all new posts*

Yes, Trillian, back up singers! I'm already planning the Inaugaral Ball (which I can't spell, but I'd do a great job organizing, really!)

Should double posters be eliminated from this competition?
just wondering, and praying this doesn't

[Mikey]

Vote for Dave for Consistency
He is the same today as he was in the 6th Grade

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry for President

Because you can't Handle the truth !

[Stevie W]

"Ok, Stevie, we know you're working on the song..."

Nah, mm, it wouldn't fit on a bumper sticker.

But boy, just looking at this morning's posts, the hits just keep on coming!!! Good work, all. Imho.

[Mikey]

Vote For Dave and Britney Spears will go into a Convent.

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
and the Blues Brothers will head the Secret Service

[numex7]

Barry, Barry he's our Man
He'll send everyone to Afghanistan

Dave Barry for Prez
He put the surge in Low Flow toilets

[stev0]

DAVE BARRY:
An anagram for "Brave Yard"

[Eleanor]

Memo to Naw, I can't do it.....

tsk, tsk, tsk...

[gfunksizzle]

I like CJ's "Hail to the Chief needs more kazoo." Brilliant.

[Jeff Meyerson]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
Our Precioussssssss

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
The Rest Of The World Is Laughing At Us Anyway

Well put, Meanie.

Don't know which you'll pick, judi Dave, but if you don't hire Annie as Chief Slogan Writer you're nuts!

That's it:

VOTE FOR DAVE
He's Nutz

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll shave his head too!

[Aaronak]

D A V E B A R R Y F O R P R E S I D E N T
He will let you cheat on your taxes, if you ask nicely.

[Sam]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
His Name is Not "Mitt"

[Just wondering]

Will the Rock Bottom Remainders be your slate?

[Jen]

Vote for Dave in '08

Because you don't have to bother with one-quart clear plastic baggies if you fly on Air Force One.

[Beppie]

Dave Barry For President
"Because Beer Solves Everything"

[Beppie]

Or!
Dave Barry For President
"I'll Drink To That!"

[Beppie]

Dave Barry For President
"If you vote for someone else, the terrorist have won."

[Siouxie]

BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
No, not Manilow!

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
BOOGER!

[Jazzzz]

Elect Dave uhhh...Barry!, yeah Barry!

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE
Eschew Bullsh*t

[Rich Klinzman]

Dave Barry
The Only French Tolerated is Toast (And Sometimes Fries)

Dave Barry
Four Out Of Three Agree

Dave Barry
Putting The Odd To Work

[Rich Klinzman]

Dave Barry
The Only French Tolerated is Toast (And Sometimes Fries)

Dave Barry
Four Out Of Three Agree

Dave Barry
Putting The Odd To Work

[Beppie]

Vote For Dave
Yes He Could Do Worse, But Why Not Go For Broke?

[Beppie]

Vote For Dave Barry
Because When He Says "Iraq",He means his band.

[Siouxie]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
Cuz he's a great sportswriter!

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE
and Keep Teresa Heinz out of the White House

VOTE FOR DAVE
He'll give the State of the Union on Saturday Night Live

VOTE FOR DAVE
Sock It To...Me???

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
It's time to put a woman in the White House.

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He wrote a book!

[Stevie W]

Sxi's caffeine is kicking in. You go girl!!

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He Wrote the Book on Writing Books

[Jeannie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
*WBAGNFARB*

[Beppie]

Dave Barry For President
"A Beer In Every Pot Belly"

[Meditrina]

Dave Barry
WBAGNFAP

[Siouxie]

LOL Stevie...I missed all of last night's action..so I'm on overload now.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend:
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!

[Siouxie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He can pronounce nuclear.

[Steven Jens]

Since I'm not witty enough to come up with a pithy slogan myself, I've created a top ten list of the choices above. (Okay, so there are only 8 - math doesn't really count in elections does it?)

Not in Florida.

The time for rational decision-making has passed

About 25 years ago, there was a candidate for the president of the MIT student government who ran on the slogan "reason as a last resort". He won.

[Stevie W]

"WBAGNFAP"

Brilliant, med.

Sxi - it's kinda like the Katie Couric board. Packed dense with howlers.

[Siouxie]

Ok..I'm off to brunch and Art show.

Will be back later with more...maybe.

Last one:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
HE'S a (check all that apply)

White
Black
Hispanic
Other

Conservative
Moderate
Liberal
Other

Republican
Democrate
Independent L
Other

Episcopalian
Catholic
Jew
Mormon
Presbyterian
Scientologist
Other

[Siouxie]

Exactly, Stevie! good one Med!

*grabs extra e and L up there*

bye now...

[Bucket]

Siouxie

you forgot:

D. All of the above

[Bucket]

Siouxie

you fogot:

D. All do the above

[Siouxie]

Good point, Bucket!!

LOL Thanks!

[JH]

"Crafty? Schmafty!"

[Nurse Tammy]

**SNORK** @

CJrun for:
BARRY-WALTER 2008
Your Kind of Principles and a Fine Supporting Staff

Annie-where-but-here for:
DAVE BARRY He'll put the FU back in FUNDRAISER.

elvisonvelvet, for:
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT He Promises to Exile Barry Manilow

sharon share-alike, for:
DAVE BARRY:He speaks softly, and carries a large oosik.

Meanie the Blue, for:
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT! A Higher Grade Of Joker

Stevie W, for: DAVE BARRY To Protect and to Serve. Mojitos.

*snork* OW *snork* OW *snork* OW
That was a jalapeno popper, you B@st@rds!!!!!

[russellmc]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Protect your riding mower racing rights

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Sophie's Choice

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
You've seen his world, now vote for it!

DBFP
(Don't worry, the SB will really be running things)

[russellmc]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Protect your riding mower racing rights

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Sophie's Choice

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
You've seen his world, now vote for it!

DBFP
(Don't worry, the SB will really be running things)

[Stevie W]

Follow the DAVE FOR PREZ TOUR 2008
Just hop on the bus, Gus!

[mm]

Vote Dave Barry, that's the name,
and flush those troubles down the drain. ...No. RotoRooter&trade might object.

Vote for Dave
Yes, he can hear you now!? ...No.

Dave has been proven to be an effective decay preventive dentifrice when used... No.
But no-one will realize that's not presidential stuff. ...No.

You others go on without us...

[No_dum_blond]

Dave For President
Fla-Home Of The Big One

[danceswithvowels]

Dave Barry For President ~ Add Presbyterian Fervor!

[Peg Leg Pete, CPA]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's not just for breakfast anymore"

[Nurse Tammy]

Vote for Pedro Dave!
Because toilet humor is always funny.

[Really_doesn't_want_to_win]

Want to help elect the first woman president? Vote for Dave Barry!

[Peg Leg Pete, CPA]

Yeah, I know...*gets back on the geezer bus*

[OtheU(manity)]

Dave Barry for President
Because he's not ---- (Insert name of your particular disliked candidate)

[Really_doesn't_want_to_win]

Ooops! Shoulda read 'em all first. Great minds w/ Siouxsie.

[danceswithvowels]

DBFP
Check Out The Conch Suit!

[Eleanor]

I copied the following from my Google Home Page, but if it's not protected by copyright, I think it would be good for Dave:

Dave Barry for President
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
- Jane Caminos

[Meditrina]

Gotta run, guys! Thanks for the snorkage.

*pops a xanax and goes back to family carnage festivities*

[Cat R.]

Dave Barry for President
He can spell "potato"

Dave Barry for President
Or the BOTs will win

Dave Barry for President
Imagine that Inaugural Ball!

Barry/Smith 2008
Yeah, that's the ticket!

************

*SNORKS at:
"Vote For Dave Barry
Because When He Says "Iraq",He means his band.

Posted by: Beppie | 11:20 AM on February 18, 2007"

and

"DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Sophie's Choice

Posted by: russellmc | 12:02 PM on February 18, 2007"

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Dave Barry For President
Easier to spell than Giuliani
Taller than Kucinich
Less scary than Hillary

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Help Dave Keep Squirrels and Snakes Off of Our Planes and Put Them in Congress Where They Belong!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT

[Psycho Joe]

I think I must've laughed at least 20 times reading all these.

so, here's mine.

Vote Dave Barry for President.
Flush congress!

[Just Ducky]

Dave Barry for President
Neener, Neener, Neener!

[SlapShotFan]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Keeping American Thighs Safe For America

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Quality Is Our Last Name, No Is Our First

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Two First Names, One Great American

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Fewer Dangling Participles

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Flush Out The Low

[mm]

I like the "insider's" bumper sticker, mentioned several times earlier:
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
*************ISIANMTU**************

[mm]

and neener!neener!neener!, and many, many more.

[mm]

and I wanted TIPYOTKI and Tyler, too., but just couldn't make it work. One of you could probably fix it...

[Psycho Joe]

Dave Barry for President
Isn't it about time... To empty the bowl with one flush?

[RickS]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's tan, he's ready, he's got better legs than Hillary

[Just Ducky]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The Best Candidate So Far!

[Beppie]

Vote For Dave
"If He Shoots A Lawyer In The Face It Will Be On Purpose."

[Beppie]

Dave Barry For President
He can say "nuclear" and spell "potato".

[Beppie]

Oh! Somebody already used the "spell potato"! My bad, Cat R.! Great minds think alike!

[Psycho Joe]

Dave Barry for President
Only beer can save us now.

Dave Barry for President
If he's not more qualified than the other candidates, vote for him anyway.

Vote Dave Barry for President
If you don't, Dubya WILL get re-elected.

Vote for Dave Barry - And he will bring the beer.

Ok, that's all I got for a minute.
8>
Thank you. And blank you.

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Dave Barry:

Probably wouldn't shave HIS own head . . .

[Stevie W]

DAVE FOR PRESIDENT
Who else is endorsed by Rosie O'Donnell AND Paula Abdul?

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Remember The er, .... Something....

[Casey J.]

Dave Barry For President
That's what she said..

[Casey J.]

Dave Barry 2008
More President Please.

[Just Ducky]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Faster than a Speedy Squirrel
More Powerful than a Low-Flow Toilet
Able to Down Tall Pilsners in a Single Gulp!

[Psycho Joe]

Dave Barry - Putting the FUN in fundamentalism?

[crossgirl]

BULLETIN*BULLETIN*BULLETIN
Dave Barry for President

apologies if this has already been put out there.

[Casey J.]

Dave Barry '08
Thank Dave It's Friday.

Dave Barry '08
Sometimes you feel like a president, sometimes you don't.

Dave Barry '08
Ding Dong, President calling!

Dave Barry '08
Gotta Lotta President

Barry for President
Barry comes to those who wait.

Dave Barry '08
Probably the best Barry in the world.

Dave Barry for President
Great Barry. Great Times.

[Casey J.]

All you need is Dave.

[dilligaff]

The most generic of all..

Dave Barry for president
BECAUSE

You've got my vote...

[Casey J.]

Dave: The Other White Meat.

[Psycho Joe]

Dave Barry 2008:
If you don't vote for him, you'll get someone else.

Vote for Dave Barry
If we won't, who will?

[Casey J.]

When the going gets tough, the tough get Dave.

[insomniac]

apologies if used before...

Dave Barry
Could He Be Any More Presidential?

Dave Barry
A Crap-Cam In Every Pocket!

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Why Not ENJOY The Apocalypse?

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry for President

If her shoots an intern in the face, it will be on purpose

[Jazzzz]

and that would be "he"

[crossgirl]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Be afraid, be very afraid

[Jeff Meyerson]

Vote For Dave
"If He Shoots A Lawyer In The Face It Will Be On Purpose."

Excellent, Beppie!

[ted simple]

Dave Barry For President
Forty Acorns and A Squirrel

And Now for Something Completely Different...
Dave Barry For President
(and by completely different we mean basically everything will stay the same only with 5% new jokes)

Dave Barry for President
...or at least Lead Guitar

Dave Barry ran for President 2008
and all I got was this crappy bumpersticker

President Barry -
Less Taste, Great Filling.

President Barry 2008
Your Soaking In It.