EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

Comments

[Meditrina]

OMG, Stevie W. Major snorkage on Village Idiot! You are bad. And I mean that in the good way. ;)

[traven]

personally i'd vote for the oosik one, but most of america (the 99% who don't follow the blog)probably won't get it.

so how about

BARRY FOR PRESIDENT-
If he says "and i'm not making this up" you know he's serious

[UncleScreech]

Vote Dave, cuz Tom says it's time for a third world president.

[Mot the Hoople]

This is an equal opportunity country.
Vote DAVE for PRESIDENT.

[marfie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
What are YOU looking at?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
It's time to change lanes

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A better idea than you might think

[Hammond Rye]

Dave Barry 2008
New columns every week - Guaranteed!

Vote for Dave -
He's our man!
If he can't do it
Judi can!

[marfie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Your Message Here

[Steven Jens]

Dave Barry for President
Basically, He Wants Attention

Do it for the Children

[Mot the Hoople]

NAAVI says Vote For DAVE.

Sponsored by the National Association for the Advancement of Village Idiots

[Steven Jens]

Dave Barry for President
Or Are You Too Chicken?

Let's Barry Our Differences

[me]

Wait! will Judi be running for VP? What will she promise?

Barry for President
Watching O'er the Ramparts

[danceswithvowels]

For Great Strengthiness

You've Found The Right Party.

[Steven Jens]

He's Smarter Than He Looks

[Steven Jens]

Vote for Dave Barry
Because He Asked Nicely

Hey, if you win Massachusetts, can I be in the Electoral College?

[danceswithvowels]

Less Fiber. More Gas.

[danceswithvowels]

Less private than your generals.
More general than your privates.

[Steven Jens]

Dave Barry for President
Because the Future is our Future

Dave Barry for President
Tomorrow Starts Today

[Meditrina]

Dave Barry - President
Pull My Finger

[H. V. Fisher]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT:
The best value OR YOUR TAX MONEY BACK!*
(In really tiny type beneath:)
* This offer not valid in the United States of America.

- or -

DAVE BARRY:
The Other White Candidate.

[Stevie W]

ELECT DAVE!!!
...and he'll promise to get a real haircut.

[Trosien]

Dave Barry for President
Because America needs another booger in the White House.

[danceswithvowels]

¡El me gusta al loco!

[WriterDude]

USUaggie beat me by a number of hours, so I'll endorse his/her (hir?) slogan of 9:57, even though I love all of Annie's as well.

Still, I'll offer this other, lesser entry:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because he SNOT the last one

[bill moore]

Dave Barry For President...

1) ... Only Dave Can Stop the Squirrels

2) ... One small flush for man...

3) ... Proper Toilets for America

4) ... And Chloe in his perimeter

5) ... Have you see his ellipsis?

6) ... No thigh left unshot

7) ... Fidel has passed the baton

8) ... Beesbul bin berry berry good to Dave

9) ... He's every bit as smart as Anna Nicole

10) ... He'll put Louie Louie in the White House

[Tim the Enchanter]

Barry for President
Bacause it's too important to be left to politicians.

[Ross]

VOTE DAVE BARRY - He's got a bigger stapler than you have.

VOTE DAVE BARRY - put food on your president.

VOTE DAVE BARRY - he's clean.

VOTE DAVE BARRY - He will get to the bottom of America's problems - and glue it shut.

[bert]

DAVE BARRY
No es como Fidel

[tuxmask3]

Dave Barry for President
because nothing isn't going to do itself

Dave Barry for President
because Lincoln was a great man...we think

Dave Barry for President
He's got a plan. Well, not a plan exactly, but he has some idea where he wants to go with the whole "issue" thing. Okay, you win, he hasn't got a clue, but gee, that chair in the oval (at least we think its oval) office sure looks comfy.

[Tom Tancredo]

Dave Barry for President
(He's Tom Tancredo's Bitch)

[Kaffy (In Disguise.. With Glasses)]

Dave Barry in 08
Because it could be worse..

Dave Barry For President..
Hey, What Does This Button Do?

[Stevie W]

"Dave Barry For President.
So Judi can be First Slave."

Mot (12:48am)-

Don't you mean First Slut?

[philippe]

Dave Barry - President
Pull My Finger

Posted by: Meditrina | 01:54 AM on February 18, 2007
--------------

That one is a beauty!
Voters are tired of hot air. They want to hear a real message.
Dave, with such a pungent slogan you would be way ahead of the pack.
Literally.

[a scientist]

"Cromulence shall re-embiggen our country."

[Savitri]

Dave Barry: He'll do.

[lakedog]

Dave Barry For President!
No I Don't Know Why!

The exclamation points are very important!

[WillyDubya]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"we Need Him - For Now"

[danceswithvowels]

DAVE BARRY
For The Win!!!!!1!

[mm]

BARRY/SMITH 2008
And Walter as Chief of Staff

BARRY/SMITH 2008
Sorry Dave you couldn't get there without her

BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A President with Wit

BULLETIN!BULLETIN!BULLETIN!
BARRY FOR PRESIDENT

[Jacki]

Since I'm not witty enough to come up with a pithy slogan myself, I've created a top ten list of the choices above. (Okay, so there are only 8 - math doesn't really count in elections does it?)

Dave Barry for President
Yes, of the United States.
Dad-O-Lot

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
The Rest Of The World Is Laughing At Us Anyway
Meanie the Blue

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He couldn't do any worse.
USUaggie

Vote Dave Barry for President
It would scare the hell out of our enemies
Steve (The 24 Guy)

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(Or Pope. Whatever.)
FleaBailey

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Vote early and vote often
Bbesculea

"all your beliefs are belong to us"
Trillian

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(We are not making this up)
JP

[Jacki]

Since I'm not witty enough to come up with a pithy slogan myself, I've created a top ten list of the choices above. (Okay, so there are only 8 - math doesn't really count in elections does it?)

Dave Barry for President
Yes, of the United States.
Dad-O-Lot

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
The Rest Of The World Is Laughing At Us Anyway
Meanie the Blue

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He couldn't do any worse.
USUaggie

Vote Dave Barry for President
It would scare the hell out of our enemies
Steve (The 24 Guy)

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(Or Pope. Whatever.)
FleaBailey

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Vote early and vote often
Bbesculea

"all your beliefs are belong to us"
Trillian

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(We are not making this up)
JP

[JDWilliams]

Dave Barry for President
(a) character matters

[Punkin Poo]

---Vote Dave Barry in '08----
His Mother says he's "Special"

---Dave Barry for President!---
It's time for a new scapegoat!

*cute pic of Sophie on sticker saying...
"Vote for my Daddy!
No, it's not Howard K. Stern"

---Vote for Dave Barry!---
He'll burn the bocken!!

---Dave Barry for Predident---
(your name here) for Chief of the Keggery
Together they have GALLONS of experience!

[Punkin Poo]

---Vote Dave Barry in '08----
His Mother says he's "Special"

---Dave Barry for President!---
It's time for a new scapegoat!

*cute pic of Sophie on sticker saying...
"Vote for my Daddy!
No, it's not Howard K. Stern"

---Vote for Dave Barry!---
He'll burn the bocken!!

---Dave Barry for Predident---
(your name here) for Chief of the Keggery
Together they have GALLONS of experience!

[Punkin Poo]

HATE THE BOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Theresa]

Dave Barry (really) For President
His Humor, wittiness, and great expressiveness
Will finally shape this country into what it could be.

[mm]

Dave Barry...
The Guy you want next to the Red Telephone.

Dave Barry...
The Guy you want next to the "Don't Push" Button.

[CJrun]

*snorks* @ John A 11:53 and Kaffy 3:40

=====BARRY BELONGS AT=====
1600 Shpennsylvania Avenue

[Wilf]

Dave Barry for President
Finally, an interesting State of the Union Address.

Dave Barry for President
You bought the books -- Now elect the president!

Dave Barry for President
He won't golf.

[Chris Knight]

I dunno, maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I thought your original bumpersticker was hard to beat:

Dave Barry for President
A Catchy Slogan Should Appear Here

Failing that, how about some message economy?

Dave Barry for President
My Kid Is An Honor Student

Dave Barry for President
My Other Car Is A Volvo

Dave Barry for President
Glob thinkally, loc actally

[mm]

******************BARRY 2008!*****************
He'll Cut Through the Sh!t with his Rapier Wit
____________(ask Tancredo)____________

[jt]

Dave Barry For President--

He'll give you naked pictures of Angelina Jolie

Or possibly:

He'll send Britney and Paris to the Space Station.

[gfunksizzle]

Dave Barry:
Ignore the Haircut

[gfunksizzle]

Dave Barry:
He can outrun Dick Bavetta. Maybe.

[gfunksizzle]

Dave Barry:
He can outrun Dick Bavetta. Maybe.

[Noob]

I vote for MtB's "These bumper stickers cost money" and for Dave! :)

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry for President

You got a better Idea?

[slyeyes]

Dave Barry For President and
Whirled Peas in Every Pot.

[nora]

The time is NOW
The man is DAVE

[Jazzzz]

Vote Dave Barry

He's yo Daddy

[gfunksizzle]

Dave Barry:
He's actually a black woman.

[Meanie the Blue]

Have Joy!
Vote For Dave!

[gfunksizzle]

Dave Barry:
Ignore the smell. That's the liquid ass in the corner.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Thte French Can't Stand Him

[gfunksizzle]

Dave Barry:
Made from bits of real panther.
So you know he's good.

[weaselboy]

Dave Barry for President
Yes, it's come to this.

Dave Barry for President
The time for rational decisionmaking has passed.

Dave Barry for President
Our future depends on bar chords.

[Meanie the Blue]

Convicted Felons For Dave in '08

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry for President
What?

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He Takes What It's Got

[snif]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The Only Guy You'll Need To Exterminate Those Dang Bushy-Tailed Tree Rats

[FleaBailey]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Champion For Mediocrity

P.S. Thank you, Jacki! It's an honor just to be nominated!

[The Mystery Support Group]

The Weenie Guy for President!
Finally a way around those pesky Amendments!

oops! wrong blog...sorry.

[tomservo]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He will stop global warming and murder, and prostitution, and drug use. He promises.

[Punkin Poo]

Dave Barry for President!
He's everything you want in a President
- and SO much less!

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Because Size Does Matter

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY
To Protect and to Serve. Mojitos.

(Okay, I'm regretting my "village idiot" line. I hope it wasn't taken the wrong way).

[tropichunt.com guyâ„¢]

DAVE BARRY FER PRESAHDINT
'e supperts educashunalism!

[mm]

Have we done

DAVE BARRY
He rocks!

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
The Nation is Ready for its First "Dave"

(Really - I checked. Ain't that weird?)

[Steve Bradford]

Dave Barry for President
(Books Available at Amazon.com)

[Meanie the Blue]

VOTE FOR BARRY!
A Foolish Nation Is Counting On You

[Meanie the Blue]

So true, Stevie. One Millard, one Woodrow, no Daves.

[judi]

stevie, "because it takes a village idiot" is clever.

snork@ malcolm's

[Rich Klinzman]

Dave Barry
Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

Dave Barry
He Stands For Something, Usually!

Dave Barry
Leaving No Booger Behind

[wishnevsky]

Dave Barry for President;

He's not as dumb as he looks.

Put a musician back into the White House. Or at least One Who Tries.

He's not a Politician.

He's not all those other guys.

Defeat Global Squirrel Tewwowism.

Or Get Keel-hauled, Me Hearties.

And Stealth Blogger For Vice.

He's Funny on Purpose.

You Could Do Worse.

[Steve Bradford]

Dave Barry for President
One Orgasm at a Time

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Like It Matters

[Mot the Hoople]

Vote For DAVE
'Cos U can.

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Now That He's Old Enough

[Stevie W]

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW
IS DAVE, SWEET DAVE

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Because 12,000,000 Tin Foil Hat Wearers Can't Be Wrong

[mm]

Ok, Stevie, we know you're working on the song...

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Whaddya Mean "Why?"?

[ted]

Dave Barry for PRESIDENT!
AUDACTY OF HOPE!

[snif]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
What Have You Got To Lose?

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
I Did

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
Or Deal With Hillary

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
Yeah, That's The Ticket

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
That's Hot!

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
Whip It, Whip It Good

OK, I'm done.

[Mikey]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
Because his name also spells Very Baad!

[CJrun]

===*==DAVE BARRY for PRESIDENT==*===
Because 'Hail to the Chief' Needs more Kazoo

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry for President

You get what you pay for

[Eleanor]

*zips in*

*reviews all new posts*

Yes, Trillian, back up singers! I'm already planning the Inaugaral Ball (which I can't spell, but I'd do a great job organizing, really!)

Should double posters be eliminated from this competition?
just wondering, and praying this doesn't

[Mikey]

Vote for Dave for a Stronger Yesterday