EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

Comments

[elvisonvelvet]

Exposing Exploding Toilets

[bbescuela]

ELECT DAVE BARRY
or the terrorists win

[fivver]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Remember the uh, something

[AnotherBob]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Qualifications are Overrated

[elvisonvelvet]

VOTE FOR DAVE
Or He'll Have Jack Bauer Shoot You in the Thigh

[elvisonvelvet]

VOTE FOR DAVE
Or He'll Have Jack Bauer Shoot You in the Thigh

[Ross]

********DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT********
***************wbagnfarb****************

[Malcolm]

Dave Barry For President
Would Be A Good Name For A Rock Band

[tropichunt.com guy™]

VOTE FOR DAVE
Or He'll Have Jack Bauer Shoot You in the Thigh...TWICE!

[elvisonvelvet]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Not Safe For Work

[Malcolm]

OK, now that's just bizarre

[tropichunt.com guy™]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
You WANT to win the Herald Hunt, don't you?!?

[elvisonvelvet]

TH guy, we can split the prize if Dave picks ours. :)

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Because He Belongs In The Round Room

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Don't Misunderestimate Him

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He's Got No Special Interests

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Why Not? There Are Term Limits

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He'll Work For Change

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Mondays Off Forever!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
The Real Lesser Evil

[tropichunt.com guy™]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT, OR ELSE!
No, really! Imagine who'd win otherwise!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Elvis...THG....check 10:13

[elvisonvelvet]

Blast. Beaten to the punch.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

XXX! LIVE NUDE GIRLS!
Now that we've got your attention: VOTE FOR DAVE!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Steve: Check my post again...it was a reaction to E's. :)

And check your blog, dammit, for my comments on your theory for Desmond! Sheesh!

[elvisonvelvet]

Vote For Dave
He Won a Pulitzer

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
English Spoken Here

[DougE]

Dave Barry for President.
He's no President Handbag or Payton.

[elvisonvelvet]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He Promises to Exile Barry Manilow

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Light Years Ahead

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Say Goodbye To Light Beer

[elvisonvelvet]

VOTE FOR DAVE
He's In A Band

VOTE FOR DAVE
He'll Show You Walter

[tropichunt.com guy™]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because you're really voting for judi...she does all the real work!

[Stevie W]

Lol mc, 10:32p.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He Really Means Well

[johnahlschwede]

Dave Barry for President
Soberly fair. Fairly sober.

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry
Hell no to low flow

[Meanie the Blue]

ELECT DAVE BARRY
Or He'll Kill This Defenseless Toilet

[danceswithvowels]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
You'll Flush With Pride

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry

Leave no beer behind

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
NTTAWWT

[tarzina]

Dave Barry for president!
get Paris, Britney and Kfed,deported!

[bbescuela]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A todo chulo se le cae un moco de su lapa

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
----------------NTTAWWT----------------

-----DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT-----
He puts the SNOT back in GLASNOST

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
-----------------No, Really-----------------

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
because Elvis has left the building

------DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT--------
No bribe too low, no contributor too high

[Blogchik]

VOTE FOR DAVE
and stop the squirrel invasion

[Stevie W]

Lol MtB @11:37. (And I WAS typing my NTTAWWT while you beat me to it).

[bbescuela]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
We Crave Dave!

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry

The better man for a better toilet

I crave Dave

Free soil, Free labor, Free speech, Free men, Free beer

[Betsy]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The moment is right!
*If election lasts more than four months, call the Supreme Court.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
It's The Least You Can Do

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
The Rest Of The World Is Laughing At Us Anyway

[Stevie W]

BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He was so good as mayor of Wash DC

BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
It's the only way to see the RBR's play at an inaugural

[bbescuela]

Dave Barry for President
He'll Get the Motherf*****g Snakes Off the Motherf*****g Plane

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Think About It: Mr. Language President

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Anagram time:

Dave Barry For President = Parody Driven Beer Farts

[Stevie W]

I'm Katie Couric, and I need a president who can make my interviews seem interesting.

[Melinda]

Dave Barry for President: he couldn't do any worse

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry

compassionate squirrelism

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY FOR PEPSODENT
Vaya con Gleem

[bbescuela]

Elect Dave Barry
So the Entire Congress Can Laugh at the President

[Just Ducky]

*snork, snork, snork*

VOTE DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He's That Third-World Country Resident

[JP]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because Syndicated Collumnists Are Cheap To Bribe

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(We are not making this up)

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Or We Will Shoot You In The Kneecaps!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Haha! No, seriously.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because The Gettysburg Address Was Boring As Hell

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Never Again Fear Giant Prehistoric Zucchini

[JP]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because Syndicated Collumnists Are Cheap To Bribe

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(We are not making this up)

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Or We Will Shoot You In The Kneecaps!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Haha! No, seriously.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Because The Gettysburg Address Was Boring As Hell

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Never Again Fear Giant Prehistoric Zucchini

[Stevie W]

But I like giant prehistoric zucchini.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Even The Chair Can Hear Him

[JayBee]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Like Viagra for Our Nation's Soul

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Lose 20 Pounds...Ask Me How!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Hide Your Children

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He'll Let You Ride Air Force One

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
So We Always Know Where He Is

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The Other Guys Have Cooties

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Electoral College Drop-Out

[Bibo Ergo Sum]

EVERY AMERICAN PRESIDENT HAS BEEN A MAN. IT'S TIME FOR THAT TO CHANGE:
Vote Dave Barry, the First Guy In The Oval Office

(^or some variation)

[OtheU(manity)]

Dave Barry for President!
(Sh!T!!! Everybuddy stole beat me to all my the good slogans!)

[Karenbug]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The dog ate mother's toes

[Stevie W]

CELEBRITY WRESTLING: BARRY vs. PELOSI
----------------MAKE IT HAPPEN!!-------------------

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
He'll Fake Things Better

[Stevie W]

VOTE FOR DAVE
He invented the internet

VOTE FOR DAVE
He'll warm his own globes

[Mot the Hoople]

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY.
And piss off all the others.

[Jazzzz]

Ray Adverb

Render of Spit

[Stevie W]

Hang down your chad, Dave Barry
Hang down your chad and vote
Hang down your chad, Dave Barry
Poor boy, that's all she wrote.

[danceswithvowels]

Yes, St24G, anagrams are definitely called for here ...

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
As preferred by vitro DNA
Pray for it. Denver's're bad.
Defends Airport Bravery
Voters Prefer Dairy Band
I'd prefer barnyard vetos.
DDR Party. Bonfire, as ever.
Favors beer. And dry tripe.

And Pirategrams ...

Arrr. Be Antsy, Deprived Of ...
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT

Bestridden Of Peavy. Arrr!

[Stevie W]

Hang down your chad, Dave Barry
Hang down your chad and vote
Hang down your chad, Dave Barry
Poor boy, that's all she wrote.

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
No False Promises, Only False Results!

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Do It ToFor Your Kids

[Jazzzz]

Dave Barry

Not just for toilets anymore

[sharon share-alike]

DAVE BARRY:

He speaks softly, and carries a large oosik.

[Jazzzz]

Flav-O-Dave

[Cat R.]

Wow, check out this link of real past campaign slogans.
I think Dave should recycle either of Warren G. Harding's slogans, from 1920.

Personal Fave:

"DAVE BARRY -- COX AND COCKTAILS"

Not sure what that meant back in 1920, but it's catchy, no?

[Cat R.]

ummm...

this link

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
Give Shamelessness A Chance

[Mot the Hoople]

Dave Barry For President.
So Judi can be First Slave.

[Julie]

You bought his book, he'll buy your vote

[Cat R.]

Dave and Judi
Our Dream Team

[Meditrina]

Dave Barry - President
The Others are a Joke

Dave Barry - President
Pick your Leader, not your Nose

Dave Barry - President
Flush Tancreado from Politics

Dave Barry - President
Give Literacy a Chance

Dave Barry - President
I'm just a Bill here on Capitol Hill

[Malcolm]

Dave Barry
If you have a TypeKey or TypePad account, please Sign In

[fritchbeetle]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
America Needs A Power Flush

[Meanie the Blue]

Stop Bending Over
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!

[danceswithvowels]

For A Strong Future Of Tomorrow

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY
The Second Black President
He's Blacker than Obama

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
A Higher Grade Of Joker

[Brian E]

Eenie, Meenie, Miny...Dave

[Meanie the Blue]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT!
These Bumper Stickers Cost Money

[Patrick O]

With apologies to Annie,

Vote for Dave Barry
And don't embarrass the other 49% of us again.

Or the tried and true,

Dave Barry For President
Not Insane

[Stevie W]

DAVE BARRY
He's Blacker than Obama and has balls as big as Hillary's

[Stevie W]

Because It Takes A Village Idiot

[marfie]

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Just say Booger!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Aren't you the least bit curious?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
I Crave Dave

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
In your heart, you know he's funny

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Putting humor first

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(Insert slogan here)

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A man, no plan, an oosik

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Leave no squirrel behind

[ivan w.]

You need a running mate. I suggest Cthulu.

Barry/Cthulu 2006
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

Barry/Cthulu 2006
Why go for the lesser of two evils?

Barry/Cthulu 2006
All the earth will flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom

[ivan w.]

You need a running mate. I suggest Cthulu.

Barry/Cthulu 2006
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

Barry/Cthulu 2006
Why go for the lesser of two evils?

Barry/Cthulu 2006
All the earth will flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom

[Mot the Hoople]

Dave Barry For President.
For all the 'hos. Cause the Buck aint worth a f%$(k no more.

[ivan w.]

and that should be 2008 instead of 2006 in above post