« Previous | Main | Next »

February 17, 2007

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

Bumpersticker_1

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

"He'll Point Out The Ridiculous!"

First to say I'll vote for Dave?

WOO-HOO DAVE!!!

*waves hand wildly in air, offering to be one-man committee to explore Scarlett Johansson*

Oh yeah, and FIRST!

Go for it DAVE ....

TRY " I'm Different than Those Other 20 Guys Running "

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
He Will Wipe Out Stupidity

Going to bed now, SO worn out!

'Night, bali! Sweet dreams!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Face it - you could do worse. MUCH worse.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"Do you have a better idea?"

BOOGER
i think that about sums it up.

Nicely said, Mr. Candidate --

I'll go do some polling. I wonder what Scarlett thinks...

The Field Coordinator.

Because Qualifications Are Obviously Overrated!

"a booger in every nostril"

Not since Pat Paulsen has a candidate had this much fun!

Dave Barry for President
He doesn't suck

or

Dave Barry for President
Yes, of the United States.

Dave will work as hard for you as President as he does writing humor.

Dave Barry
He'll Murder you and Your Firstborn

"I'd Rather Vote for the Devil than Dave Barry."

Sorry Dave, but I do not want to win this contest.

JACK BAUER
votes for Dave...
...do you?

Clean white Mormon underwear for everyone!

Why, fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war; this war talk's spoiling all the fun.

Sometimes you feel like a nut . . .

I may be a psycho. I may not be. Feeling lucky, punk?

The rationality of Pat Robertson and Kim Jong Il rolled into one.

Dave Barry for President
Dave Barry para el presidente

"vote dave, receive bacon"

DAVE!
He just looks so good in blue.

Vote Dave Barry
...or Jack Bauer will shoot you in the thigh

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He couldn't do any worse.

*snork* @ 'Yes, of the United States'!

BARRY-WALTER 2008
Your Kind of Principles and a Fine Supporting Staff

It would scare the hell out of our enemies

Vote Dave Barry for President
It would scare the hell out of our enemies

...(You'd think I'd know how to post here by now)...

Dave Barry for President
The Candidate who Stands up for the Issues!
(What issues? All of Them!!)

Dave Barry for President
Cuz, President Dave is Easy to Spell!

Dave Barry for President
He's No Jack Bauer!

Dave Barry for President
His Moral Majority isn't named Mitt!

Dave Barry for President
He's from MIAMI!

Dave Barry for President
He believes what YOU believe!

Dave Barry for President
Barrycanoe and Pearson Too!


Vote Dave Barry for President
(Did we mention he has a new book?)

*snork* @ 'supporting staff'

VOTE FOR DAVE-
He has a blog and he's snot afraid to oosik.

*snork* @ Val!

Vote Dave because he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Vote Dave because he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The charisma of Ralph Nader, the charm of Ross Perot

DAVE BARRY
He'll put the WIT back in the WITe House

DAVE BARRY
He'll put the FU back in FUNDRAISER.

VOTE FOR DAVE
Or his wife will be very, very mad at him.

*zips in*

Since I'm so shocked I haven't had time to form a slogan, but I like both of USUaggie's a lot.

And it's good to see Ted is willing to grope interview Scarlett. Anything for his buddy Dave. :)

OK, I have one.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
No mountain too high
No valley too low.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(Or Pope. Whatever.)

Dave Barry for President
Looks more manly in pants than even Hillary

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
and get FREE nachos!

Thanks Eleanor!
I heart you now.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT--
Putting the "Party" Back in Politics.

VOTE FOR DAVE
and he'll let you touch his Pulitzer.

Annie, you're really on a roll.... all of your slogans have been great. :-)

Vote For Dave! He'll appreciate it.

*********DAVE BARRY 2008*********
He swears he is not making this up.

Steve/24! Thanks. Maybe you can work a DAVE FOR PREZ into this week's 24 plot. Did you see Kiefer on Craig Ferguson's show last night?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A change for the booger

DAVE BARRY for President
Doing nothing IS the solution!

End Squirrel Terrorism
Vote Dave Barry For President

Oh I heart Annie now too.

Or maybe mine should be
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
No mountain too low
No valley too high

Dave, I'm OK with whichever you pick. :)

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
The Pirate Politician


"he tried the parfait, but did not inhale"

Annie: No, I missed the show. That's a great idea about this Monday's plot! I'll see if I can work it in.

Dave Barry For President: Pot In Every Garage & A Chicken In Every Car

And he only chewed the gumball for a few seconds, right Trillian? ;)

Dave Barry for President...winning the war on low-flow toilets on flush at a time.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Way Better Than Wayne!
NTTAWWT
Because Tom Is Not Your Friend!

make that onE flush at a time...sheesh!

Kaffy - I was goin' there, too -

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
A Cheney in Every Pot

"your FIRST! choice"

PRESIDENT DAVE BARRY
America's Pirate

"Heal the world with *snork*s"

Vote Dave Barry for President
(and don't step in the Tancredo)

Don't be a Booger
Vote Dave Barry for President

Vote Dave Barry for President
Because "Dave" is a more manly name than Rudy, Mitt or Hillary

Dave Barry for President
He really means it this time

Vote for Dave Barry for President
You won't have to worry about a recount

*snork* @ kaffy!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
(don't embarrass yourself this time)

VOTE FOR DAVE!
(or if you can't stand Dave)
VOTE for BARRY!

campaign song?

if you think all pols are the same
voting is just a stupid game
open your eyes, think about Dave
he'll make those squirrels behave!

don't stop... thinking about Dave Barry
don't stop...'08 will soon be here
he's got more charisma than al gore
a jester's day's now, a jester's day's now!

when you think your life is a drag
your woes won't fit in a Zip-Loc bag
a vote for Dave might just change it round
he'll be athe first prez with his own special sound!

don't stop ... thinking about Dave Barry
don't stop... he'll buy us all a beer!
on Mondays we'll all stop to watch '24'
snakes and squids galore, snakes and squids galore!

all he wants is to make you smile
awards and books, he's got quite a pile
he doesn't want to make a big splash
free seats to the game,and a few mounds of cash

don't stop...thinking about Dave Barry
don't stop... he'll do it for our good
he'll be a friend to rich and poor
he won't be a bore, he won't be a bore!

ooh, don't blue shirts look good...

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
If you were running he'd vote for you.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
At least HE'S trying to be funny

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Vote early and vote often

I swear this would work in Chicago:

A vote from the grave
is a vote for Dave
DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT

VOTE FOR DAVE-
And meet Annie at the Victory Party.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Otherwise known as Hilbama Mitcain.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
What Would Jack Bauer Do?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He supports nucular war!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Waffling on issues since 1947!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Squirrels: Nut-One-One will be worse than 9/11!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Dealing with the real terrorists: SQUIRRELS!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Civil libertari...WHAT did Britney just do?!?

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Minimizing the small issues for 100 years!

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
He knows tropichunt.com guy™!

VOTE DAVE BARRY
C'mon, all your friends are doing it!

VOTE FOR DAVE
He's got people working for him for FREE.
(ahem....unless we're getting paid for this....NTTAWWT)

LOL @ Edgar (who doesn't want to win)

El-If Dave picks yours, he could have backup singers!

"all your beliefs are belong to us"

VOTE FOR DAVE
Dude, he plays guitar!

VOTE FOR DAVE
His dad was even stranger than yours, so he deserves it.

**********************BARRY 2008*******************************
Because the Cabinet Really Should Play More Rock 'n Roll

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Or you'll see even more ridiculous jingoistic bumper stickers for four more years.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRECEDENT
Set one....vote.

Dave Barry For President
Seriously.

VOTE FOR DAVE BARRY
Or he'll send you a "valuable prize."

Dave "Booger" Barry for President!

PICK a winner!!

Siouxie - *snork*!

Dave Barry For President
He is Oprah's other choice

Dave Barry for President
So he'll come out of "indefinite hiatus".

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Unlike the last guy, he's funny on purpose.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"The other white meat."

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
-just to piss off his 5th grade English teacher.

GOT SQUIRRELS?
Dave Barry for President!

He's not Kucinich.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 »

The comments to this entry are closed.

-
 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise