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February 23, 2007

AND TEEN-AGED BOYS EVERYWHERE FLOCK TO APPLY FOR AIRPORT SECURITY JOBS

(Thanks to Just Ducky)

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YAY, DUCKY!

View on scanner may not reflect actual dimensions. Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.

"Millions of Americans would regard them as pornographic."

Millions of Americans would consider bikini girl over there to be pornographic, too. Thousands would consider my keyboard to be pornographic. Not much of a standard, if you ask me.

(And no, there's nothing special about my keyboard... which is my point. "Pornographic" is very much in the eye of the beholder, and, as we document daily here, the beholders ain't all necessarily at the top of their game, IYKWIM.)

*Is tempted to write naughty messages on body next time she goes thru security*

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare?
Me: I sure do! Let's step over to your machine and I'll show you.

Damn, no more hiding heroin in your ass!

*Sigh*

No pictures?


"The machine cannot store the images or transmit them."

That's what the guard's camera cell phones for.

*does I Got Posted happy dance*

congrats, just ducky! And I think I just had a mind meld with Punkin.

OK, folks, here's the problem. My daughter is (cross your fingers) supposed to graduate with her Master's from Arizona State in May. What airport will we have to fly in/out of? Yep. This very one.

JD - get her some glitter body paint. You know the kind I'm talking about. The metallic stuff, not the edible stuff.

You can write something succint and pithy on your butt with duct tape, like "kiss this". Hey, I wanna go with!

Well, next time I take a flight, I'll make sure some hot lady's working the X-ray machine, stop in the middle and say, "no, it's not a distorted image. I'm just THAT happy to see you."

OK, that's just disturbing.

Sorry, not you, JP. I meant the photos on Cat's link.

""The machine cannot store the images or transmit them."

That's what the guard's camera cell phones for.


Posted by: Ian Woollard | 06:20 PM on February 23, 2007"

Ian, I think you have a point. To wit, see my post of 6:32.

Those pics came from somewhere!

Is that a gun, or are you just happy to see me? Oh, it's a gun, and you are a woman, sorry.

Annie - Re: mind meld - So you're a Red Sox fan now??? :)

Sorry, JP, I should hit "refresh" before I post. *mutter, mutter* Ya' think I'd know that by now!

Do you think that's featherless parrot on that guy's shoulder?


Aaaaarrrr!

YAY Ducky!!

*snorks* all around!

*wonders how a guy with an implant would look on that x-ray*

*pictures security people snickering*

Punkin - I said 'mind meld', not meltdown.

And guys - the foil-wrapped cucumber's been done.

Hey Writer132, sorry for the gender mix up last night

OMG!! They'are showing this on ABC News!! right now!! IANMTU!!

Annie, I too was instantly reminded of spinal tap

*grabs extra ' from up there*

The Phoenix airport’s newest toys
Caused passengers to make such noise
Their machines see through clothes
Dangly bits they expose
Separating the men from the boys.

Gadfly - remember the sound of the handheld scanner going over his body? Toooo funny!

No worries, Gad...and now with this new scanner, there won't be any doubt!

Yes - THIS scanner goes to eleven!

I bet they get those from the ads in the back of comic books.

*adds an Ian snork button to keyboard, carefully re-labels the Annie key, where it was wearing off*

*snork* @ Annie! And it's not my daughter I'm concerned about, it's ME! I'll be the one going through airport security!

Annie, yer killin' me!

JD - you HAVE to write DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT in metallic body paint on your body.
Not now, silly - when you go thru airport security.

Great idea, Annie! And if bali joins us, she can write "Yes, of the United States" on hers!

And if Punkin joins you, she can write the Declaration of Independenc on hers!

Y'all people keep talkin' about pornography so much ... I'm goin' over to Waldo's to buy me a pornograph ...

P0rn0graphy is in the eye of the beast-holder.

I know you're out there blurking. Don't pretend to have something to do on a Friday night. :^)

*snork* at OtU!

Annie, my excitement for the evening is laundry. Be still, my heart!

oooh, jd - whites or colors? Any ironing?

*tests wet ink on Annie button, realizes maintenance on Ducky key is coming due*

CJ - quit that - it tickles.

I did a google image of "see thru x-ray"

I'll be back in around a week.

Annie: currently, colors. Then, blue jeans! But absolutely NO ironing--I have to draw the line (-------) somewhere.

CJ, stay tuned...

Good. I gave up ironing for Lent. Or irony...something like that.

They said in the news story on TV that it wouldn't matter because peoples faces would not be visible to the searchers doing the x-ray. I somehow think they would not be looking at the faces anyway. I really think even though this is voluntary now, it is a baaaad idea. No bad idea ever started out by forcing people to do it. You have to ease them into it. It's just a bit extreme.

you know those guys got a button they can push to set off the metal detector, right? so when the hot chicks or dudes (dependin on the gender and/or preference of the security person) come thru, they can set off the alarm and give em a choice of see-thru-the-clothes x-ray or thorough pat down search

and they dont really care which - either they get to cop a feel, or x-ray porn

it's a win-win

I dunno... the IDEA sounds funny, and possibly interesting if you are a voyeur... but really... (WARNING: The next idea may cause unpleasant aftereffects if actually tried!) next time you are in an airport, look around you. Smushed up body parts on tired, grumpy people...

Clothing is a blessing here, folks. Don't volunteer as a Machine operator... I'm pretty confident that it will be the position given to the 'new guy' or as a punishment and stuff.

No offense meant to anybody who was at the airport the last time I was. ;) But I mean... dang...

I'm waiting for them to use the old "If you've got nothing to hide, then you needn't worry about this" dodge.

If they do, my answer: You first.

So if I don't get pulled aside for creepy screening, I should be offended?

City girl just had to get up early
To catch her a.m. flight; use up her miles
She knows they’ll scan, but she won’t have to worry
She’s dressed up; there’s no metal in this style.

Waits in line; she smiles up at the screener
Clueless that the guard was not too nice
He told her he did not like her demeanor
Then she felt scared, and her hands were cold as ice.

So he tells her she must go through a new procedure
Or submit to a thorough patting-down
She can’t know where she’s going as he leads her
She’s headed for the machine that sees through gowns.

You can’t hide cellulite thighs
See-through clothes; what a big surprise
Although right now, you realize
There ain’t no way to hide cellulite thighs.

On the other side of the screen, the guard is looking
With ugly eyes that gleam while she stands there
She knows she’s turning red; her cheeks are cooking
Cause that jerk can plainly see her derriere.

She flushes head to toe; can’t hold together
She punches out the guard for being vile
She swears that she’ll sue them if it takes forever
She turns away; calls her lawyer with a smile.

She hangs up and tells herself the guy's slime
She stares out at her plane, up in the sky
Another flight? No way she’ll get through next time
She knows if she sees that guard, he'll have to die.

She wonders how air travel got so crazy
She thinks about the trips she took in school
Were those such fun, or is her memory hazy?
They’ve gone too far, creating this new rule.

And my, oh, my, they sure know to do strange things
To put you through such hell, so cheerfully
Ain’t it funny how much 9-11 changed things
This isn’t the same old world it used to be.

You can’t hide cellulite thighs
See-through clothes; what a big surprise
Although right now, you realize
There ain’t no way to hide cellulite thighs.

Congrats Ducky!

note to self - do not fly in or out of Phoenix airport - ever

OTOH, if it was a hot guard (is there such a thing?) and you were wearing a pretty lace bra....
but never go commando. :) The guard would probably say he needed to have another guard double check and before you knew it there'd be a crowd....

Ducky! that was just TOO GOOD!!!

*SNORK* *SNORK* *SNORK*

Oh, I'm glad I'm not a Phoenix airport screener,
That is what I'd truly hate to be-e-e.
'Cuz if I was a Phoenix airport screener,
I'd see things that nobody should see.

*frankly snorking* @ Annie!

LMAO Annie!!

there goes my wine!

ROFL Snorkage at Annie & Ducky. Thx. I needed that. ....badly.

Ducky, you still packin' da heat?

Always, Med. "Be Prepared," that's my motto. ;-)

yaaaay Ducky!!!! Hey guys....Does my breath smell like catfish and hush puppies?

I'm thinking of some new airline slogans (taken from their real slogans):

Southwest Airlines. THE Low Fare Airline...when you're wearing low-cut shirts.

United Airlines. Fly the friendly skies...we've already seen you naked!


American Airlines. Something special in the air? or are you just happy to see us?

Lufthansa. There's no better way to fly than with your fly open.


Eastern Airlines. We have to earn our wings every day. Looks like you've been eating them every day.

British Airways. We'll take more care of you cuz there's more of you to take care of.


Delta Air Lines. You love to fly. And it shows. Really.

*offers Jazzz 3 Tic Tacs*

Not at all honey....;)

Want a wafer thin mint, Jazzzie???

YAY! I'm # 69!

If anyone's curious, I found the Spinal Tap airport scene.

Jazzzz! We LOVE catfish & hush puppies, but not so much second-hand. *texts peppermints to Jazzzz*

Siouxie, congrats! ;-)

... um ... Annie? Not "offended" necessarily ... "disappointed" ... OK ...

and, no ... I wuzn't blurkin' out here ... I'd been across the street for some adequate dining ... merely got back and just got here now ...

Sioux, you should really think about a job in advertising. Those slogans were great!

LOL thanks, Ducky! ya think they'd let me do their slogans???

... um ... Siouxie?

accordin' to the counter on my computer, y'all are actually 70 ... but I want you to know that I think you don't look a day over 36 ... 33 ... 32 ...

But of course, Sioux! Give them a ringy-dingy Monday morning. Tell 'em I sent you. ;-)

26!!! I meant 26!!!

awww...thanks OtheU!! you are the sweetest!!!

Annie, that was too funny!!!

A little jingle:

I see you
You can't see me
It's airport security
With an x-ray screen I can see what's deep inside
There is nothing you can hide.

Thanks guys... It was yum yum... and better yet, my buddy paid!!!!WooHoo

Jazzzz, free meals always taste better!

I don't think I've ever had catfish, but I do like hush puppies - a lot.

*snorks* to all, and a reminder that WMNF is a great radio station. As time goes by, you should be able to access them over the internet. I have been a listener since I was thirteen [please don't hold that against them]. 33 years.

Friday and Saturday nights are particularly great.

That's ok El....I ate enough for you too

one of my fave movies.
-another slogan for Siouxie:
"Face Red? Jetblue!"

Geneva Air, of Switzerland, and Alitalia, of Italy, are merging.

Their new name -- Genitalia.

LOL Annie & Stevie!

Virgin Airlines: You have got to be kidding me!

No, but really, Alitalia IS merging with El Al, the Israeli airlines.

The new name -- Vel Altelia

(These are not original, folks. They may or may not bear repeating. Beauty is in the eye of the TSA officer).

I'm surprised that El Al would merge with anyone. Is this a true thing?

Well we know she won't be working for Virgin.

Vell, I'll tell ya, El......(read it out loud)

ROFL Stevie!

I read about the Fiennes thing earlier this week, but not as many details as your article, Stevie.

But was it really necessary to tell us when the sex was "protected" and when it wasn't?

Way TMI! And IMO a better story without that 411.

Well folks...it's been fun but I've got to get my beautimous sleep.

Sweet dreams!

And remember this:

As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.

'Night, Siouxie! Sweet dreams!

I'm looking through you
Just get in line
I will denude you
You're looking fine
You look so different, your bra you have changed
I'm looking through you
I'm so deranged!

(apologies to The Rays, and Herman's Hermits)

Take your boarding passes out
Wait in line
Please be quiet, please don’t shout
In due time
From within, your hooters cast
Two silhouettes on my shade
Oh what a lovely couple they made

Put your arms above your waist
Pull them back
Make your upper chest protrude
What a rack!
From within, your knockers cast
Two silhouettes on my shade
I couldn’t hide
My swelling inside

Turn around, let’s see your ass
Pretty neat
Maybe move you to first class
Change your seat
Wonderbra leaves me in awe
Two silhouettes on the shade
Two silhouettes on the shade

I used to wonder how Superman coped. Or did the inner lining of women's dresses contain some secret substance that repelled X-ray vision?

Now, I'm too old to care either way.

*sigh*

So, do you think I'm the perfect candidate for this job, or what?

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