24

Here are the schematics of the plot perimeter:

The highlight of last week's episode was the heartwarming moment between Jack and his dad, Farmer Hoggett, when FH made Jack kneel down at gunpoint, but decided -- The old softy! --not to shoot Jack in the back of his head. That's how you show true affection Bauer-family style: by not killing a fellow Bauer. I'm assuming Jack and his dad will meet again before this season is up, and that their father-son reunion will make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like Teletubbies.

Anyway, at the very end of last week, Farmer Hoggett left a phone for Jack, with instructions to call a certain number, and when Jack did, the person at the other end, in a totally unexpected plot twisteroo, was...

Anna Nicole Smith.

No, sorry, she is still deceased, and so is Edgar. The shocking twisteroo person at the other end was Disgraced Former President Complete Handbag, whom we used to hate but who now looks pretty good compared with our current leader, President Gary Payton of Your World Champion For Now Miami Heat, whose strategy for dealing with nuclear terrorists is apparently to put the entire nation into a drooling stupor by talking in measured tones.

In subplot action, the Ally McBeal Weenie, who looked like he was going to join the plot -- which this blog wholeheartedly supports -- to whack President Payton and replace him with Vice President Powers Boothe, decided instead to rat out the plotters, so he was clubbed with a flashlight in the bunker by Colonel Mustard, who... no, wait, sorry, he was clubbed by his treacherous aide Reed, but, tragically, does not appear to have been killed.

In the Morris-and-Chloe subplot, Morris is still down on himself for programming the suitnukes after being used as a human do-it-yourself project by the evil terrorist submastermind Fayed. Chloe still loves Morris because he did not metabolize his alcohol. (Chloe can tell, just by looking at you, what you have metabolized.)

The Walid-and-Sandra subplot has completely disappeared, which is fine with me. If the writers try to bring it back, I think the other characters should say to them, "Get out of here! You never had anything to do with the plot anyway!"

Anyway, the big question tonight is: What will ex-president Handbag tell Jack about Gredenko, the evil terrorist mastermind for now? Can Jack find the remaining bombs before they go off? Most important of all, will there be any sightings of ex-president Handbag's First Lady?

We will just have to wait and see. And while we are waiting, let us not forget to metabolize.

UPDATE: It is SO hard to get good terrorist submastermind help these days.

UPDATE: The bunker has Ominous Muzak.

UPDATE: PERIMETER!

UPDATE: "He reminds me of you... neither one of you can act."

UPDATE: "Hi! We're here to kill the president!" "OK, then!"

UPDATE: Duct tape!

UPDATE: "We're not cold-blooded murderers." Who WRITES this stuff?

UPDATE: Victoria's Secret has reinvented the bra... again.

UPDATE: Morris specificed the wrong slot assignment for the SIP adapter! If I had a nickel for every time I did that...

UPDATE: If somebody had drilled two inches into my shoulder with a 3/8" bit, I would not swing my arms the way Morris does when he walks.

UPDATE: Too much talking.

UPDATE: Snore.

UPDATE: A drone!

UPDATE: So, do we think the terrorists will put a suitnuke on the drone, and it will drone away for several tense episodes? Or what?

UPDATE: It takes THIRTY MINUTES to get a bomb ready?

UPDATE: There can be no question that the highlights of tonight's episode are being provided by Victoria's Secret.

UPDATE: "Don't be sarcastic! Your data merge is incomplete!"

UPDATE: The Morris subplot is getting so repetitive that they have to be setting us up for a shockeroo, right? Like he's a mole? Or he's the one who reinvented the bra?

UPDATE: They're clearing a ground corridor. That's like a perimeter, right?

UPDATE: YES! Chloe is NOT afraid to yank a man off the toilet.

UPDATE: Morris didn't wipe.

UPDATE: The old cough ruse.

UPDATE: Seriously, you put a three-inch piece of duct tape on my mouth, and I will have it off in seconds without using my hands.

UPDATE: OK, it just now occurred to the weenie to do that?

UPDATE: Summary: Not enough Jack. Way too much talking. One boom -- one lousy boom -- at the end. The clear action highlight was Chloe yanking Morris out of the toilet.  And of course the reinvented bra, which seems to work well. We now await the amazing Steve, who should be writing the show, if you want this blog's opinion.

Comments

[Razumihin]

He's coughing in morse code.

[Beppie]

Thank god he washed his hands though.

[Ann]

Oops sorry for the extratalics.

[Leelu]

WHOA! Was Morris sitting on the potty?

[danceswithvowels]

Cameron belongs on this 24 episode. Even though I love her.

[Ann]

Go Weasel Tom!!

[WoosterGirl]

Biscuit is toast.

[Beppie]

This boards perimeters have been invaded by italics!

[danceswithvowels]

Dangling italics on typepad!

[JacksGirl]

". . . finishing the briefing?" or the breathing?

[slyeyes]

"I'm almost done"

We know that wasn't Morris' line.

[Sarah]

Look, they're mini canisters!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

It's a highlighter...it's an explosive...it's a highlighter...

[elastic]

is this a sharpie bomb?

[WoosterGirl]

He's making a mustard-and-catchup bomb.

[ArcticAl]

Notice how they picked up on the two part liquid explosives for the bomb a la UK bombers.

[jodi-o]

6 --- 2 ----- uh ----3?

[danceswithvowels]

6-2-4-Enter. Too hard! I'm under pressure here.

[Jessica R.]

I bet he can't do this.

[Wes S.]

"Hello?...Hello?...Hello?..."

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

hello? Hello?

[MJ]

Random comment that has nothing to do with anything:

OOOOOHHHHHH...who lives in a Pineapple under the sea...

[Chad4359]

Victoria Secret # 3

[Ann]

If the Apple iPhone were really that cool it's "Hello" commercial would have an "Annyong" in there.

[mellio]

oh, that's it, Chad will crumble like the cookie that he is, and Your President Gary Payton will live to jump-shot another day...

[Beppie]

You know, if only one person was writing this show, you could understand some cheesy dialoge slipping through, but dang! I bet they actually have several people agreeing on some of this lameness!

[WFNY]

624....624....What was that number again? 642....462....Drat!

[Jemmy]

I thought the bra commercial was a hair commercial at first.

[Kali.Amanda]

BOOM is coming. Bye-bye Julian.

I love Apple and all but if I never hear the word Hello again it will be too soon for me!

[WizzyPigabeth]

Okay well it's kinda sad that the most exciting part was Chloe storming the mens room and morris with his pants down. LOL

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I gotta get me one of those embraces....sooooo....dissstrrraaacccttteeedd...

[Jessica R.]

Is that a challege, Dave?

[Aaronak]

Apparently the number is 300.

[Ann]

Oh, Lord, I mean "its." Bad night!

[Razumihin]

So basically, they're still able to call 911. Brilliant.

[danceswithvowels]

Secret Embrace requires the ladies to fasten their seatbelts?

[Beppie]

I dunno. I think it sounded like DAve was speaking more from experience.

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

Thus we make the Holy Tape Recorder of Antioch.

[WayneHere]

Real quote from Philly City Council-one conuncilwoman asks a councilman "are you finished?". He says "yes" She says "well wipe then."

[Jessica R.]

oops, add an "n" to challenge.

Got my first "bot" on that last one. A miracle!

[Allen at Division]

Have mercy on Marilyn!! She's MUCH nicer than Awwwdrey...

[Chad4359]

Sorry I like real buttons on my phone. Fingerprints would drive me crazy. Thank god for my treo.

[Ann]

Do we need to tell GMC that Presidents' Day 2007 is over?

[Sam G.]

Annyong!

[WoosterGirl]

Ok, it's the last ten minutes of the show. There has to be shooting now.

[Homer]

So, the chick who does Bart Simpson's voice was Morris' former AA sponsor?!

[Unrealious]

Why wouldn't they make the number easy to remember, like the combination on President Screwb's luggage?

[dantes]

No way this yutz pulls it off.

[Jemmy]

Sheesh. Everyone is sweating!

[danceswithvowels]

Shoot him! He's sweating!

[Razumihin]

"Don't blurt out the conspiracy, don't blurt out the conspiracy . . . "

[Ann]

Annyong Sam G.!!! I knew someone around here had to know what I was talking about.

So, is Weasel Chad going to wimp out?

[slyeyes]

OK, I'm a little disappointed in the Secret Service that they haven't connected the dots yet.

[mellio]

choke! duh!

[JacksGirl]

Is it me, or does the bunker look like it was designed by the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?

Has that been pointed out before?

[jodi-o]

Bet they kill the wrong guy!!

[Sarah]

Yeah, because THAT wasn't suspicious.

[Wes S.]

So who will get it? Wayne Allstate? Or Assad?

[Jessica R.]

I love you, Julian.

[MJ]

Behrooz will leap from the side of the stage and save everyone!

[JacksGirl]

Better go get Weasel Tom, Weasel Reed.

[WFNY]

Aaron would have figured it out by now!

[slyeyes]

I think Tom is having a McGyver moment.

[WizzyPigabeth]

uh oh tom had an idea!

[Jemmy]

Sweaty Ally Weenie has an idea! Sweaty Ally weenie sounds an alarm! Sweaty Ally Weenie gets threatened!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

He hung himself with duct tape?

[danceswithvowels]

Tom felt his sweat was wearing off.

[Jessica R.]

More duct tape.

[Kali.Amanda]

would the Marquis de Sade go for duct tape had he lived in this century?

[Razumihin]

"Really. The next time you try something, I'll shoot you. I mean it. Just one more time. Seriously."

[Sarah]

Hey, put that sidekick away, you're on the job!

[Aaronak]

Oh, good. A ticking clock.

[pjaykc]

uh-oh, stuff's dripping out of the bomb!

[WoosterGirl]

Smart, Dr. Bashir!

[Sarah]

YES, action...!

[Ann]

Well, that's going to look bad for the whole "Assad did it" angle.

[Beppie]

The bomb was crying from being bored to tears.

[danceswithvowels]

Bomb. Yawn.

[Jessica R.]

an explosion happened, but who is dead and who is not quite dead yet?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

An explosion, finally...but bah.

[jodi-o]

I agree, bomb, yawn. All night for that!!

[Jemmy]

Wait, this is a double episode night? No wonder nothing's been happening.

[WayneHere]

58 minutes for Wayne peril........yawn

[Beppie]

Do not text anything to anyone! Then they spam the hell out of you forever!!

[Jessica R.]

Reminder to self: Never sign on as President on 24.

[Kristy]

Citadel is down. I repeat, Citadel is down.

Good thing *Holy Handbag* is on his way.

[Ann]

*snork* at Beppie

[WoosterGirl]

Total snoozer of an ep. Weenie bomb.

[WizzyPigabeth]

Stupid made in china recorders, never work when you want em to

[MJ]

MJ's Final Thought:

Pretty much Zzzzzzz until the last 5-6 minutes.

Be good to yourself. And others.

[danceswithvowels]

Nope, Jemmy. Just another (barely) half-episode.

[OhioNora]

Weel, that was dull.

Just what were the viewers being advised against, again??

[WoosterGirl]

Beppie, *snork*

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wow, they reinvented the bra 5 times tonight! Not that I can keep track with the distractions...

[dantes]

Yes. Some real counter-terrorism next week!

[Ann]

Another consolate story? Wooden Dialogue Generator, meet Plot Recycling Plant.

[WoosterGirl]

Oooooh, finger-lopping-off next week!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

We know the Russains are spineless, now they'll be fingerless...cool!