24

Here are the schematics of the plot perimeter:

The highlight of last week's episode was the heartwarming moment between Jack and his dad, Farmer Hoggett, when FH made Jack kneel down at gunpoint, but decided -- The old softy! --not to shoot Jack in the back of his head. That's how you show true affection Bauer-family style: by not killing a fellow Bauer. I'm assuming Jack and his dad will meet again before this season is up, and that their father-son reunion will make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like Teletubbies.

Anyway, at the very end of last week, Farmer Hoggett left a phone for Jack, with instructions to call a certain number, and when Jack did, the person at the other end, in a totally unexpected plot twisteroo, was...

Anna Nicole Smith.

No, sorry, she is still deceased, and so is Edgar. The shocking twisteroo person at the other end was Disgraced Former President Complete Handbag, whom we used to hate but who now looks pretty good compared with our current leader, President Gary Payton of Your World Champion For Now Miami Heat, whose strategy for dealing with nuclear terrorists is apparently to put the entire nation into a drooling stupor by talking in measured tones.

In subplot action, the Ally McBeal Weenie, who looked like he was going to join the plot -- which this blog wholeheartedly supports -- to whack President Payton and replace him with Vice President Powers Boothe, decided instead to rat out the plotters, so he was clubbed with a flashlight in the bunker by Colonel Mustard, who... no, wait, sorry, he was clubbed by his treacherous aide Reed, but, tragically, does not appear to have been killed.

In the Morris-and-Chloe subplot, Morris is still down on himself for programming the suitnukes after being used as a human do-it-yourself project by the evil terrorist submastermind Fayed. Chloe still loves Morris because he did not metabolize his alcohol. (Chloe can tell, just by looking at you, what you have metabolized.)

The Walid-and-Sandra subplot has completely disappeared, which is fine with me. If the writers try to bring it back, I think the other characters should say to them, "Get out of here! You never had anything to do with the plot anyway!"

Anyway, the big question tonight is: What will ex-president Handbag tell Jack about Gredenko, the evil terrorist mastermind for now? Can Jack find the remaining bombs before they go off? Most important of all, will there be any sightings of ex-president Handbag's First Lady?

We will just have to wait and see. And while we are waiting, let us not forget to metabolize.

UPDATE: It is SO hard to get good terrorist submastermind help these days.

UPDATE: The bunker has Ominous Muzak.

UPDATE: PERIMETER!

UPDATE: "He reminds me of you... neither one of you can act."

UPDATE: "Hi! We're here to kill the president!" "OK, then!"

UPDATE: Duct tape!

UPDATE: "We're not cold-blooded murderers." Who WRITES this stuff?

UPDATE: Victoria's Secret has reinvented the bra... again.

UPDATE: Morris specificed the wrong slot assignment for the SIP adapter! If I had a nickel for every time I did that...

UPDATE: If somebody had drilled two inches into my shoulder with a 3/8" bit, I would not swing my arms the way Morris does when he walks.

UPDATE: Too much talking.

UPDATE: Snore.

UPDATE: A drone!

UPDATE: So, do we think the terrorists will put a suitnuke on the drone, and it will drone away for several tense episodes? Or what?

UPDATE: It takes THIRTY MINUTES to get a bomb ready?

UPDATE: There can be no question that the highlights of tonight's episode are being provided by Victoria's Secret.

UPDATE: "Don't be sarcastic! Your data merge is incomplete!"

UPDATE: The Morris subplot is getting so repetitive that they have to be setting us up for a shockeroo, right? Like he's a mole? Or he's the one who reinvented the bra?

UPDATE: They're clearing a ground corridor. That's like a perimeter, right?

UPDATE: YES! Chloe is NOT afraid to yank a man off the toilet.

UPDATE: Morris didn't wipe.

UPDATE: The old cough ruse.

UPDATE: Seriously, you put a three-inch piece of duct tape on my mouth, and I will have it off in seconds without using my hands.

UPDATE: OK, it just now occurred to the weenie to do that?

UPDATE: Summary: Not enough Jack. Way too much talking. One boom -- one lousy boom -- at the end. The clear action highlight was Chloe yanking Morris out of the toilet.  And of course the reinvented bra, which seems to work well. We now await the amazing Steve, who should be writing the show, if you want this blog's opinion.

Comments

[slyeyes]

"I would like to do for you what you did for my brother. Kill you."

[Jessica R.]

HAH! I was right! Wake up, Dave!

[WizzyPigabeth]

"I would like to do for you what your brother did for me and then I can do to you what I did to him'...or something like that.

Next thing you know, we'll find out that Hoggett isn't Jack's dad but logan is. LOL

[Aaronak]

I think Logan "found God" in house arrest.

[WFNY]

I hate to be master of the obvious, but 31 minutes into the show, absolutely NOTHING has happened!

[danceswithvowels]

Ahhnald looks so different.

[ArcticAl]

"This isn't easy for you Jack is it?"

No Handbag he really wants to torture the information out of you.

[Chad4359]

I don't think schematics qualifies. But socket, port, switch, or slot do.

[tjblaze]

If bad guys switch to good guys I'm switching back to watching professional wrestling...

[JacksGirl]

WoosterGirl, I am not Audrey.

[WA2CHI]

All that time under house arrest obviously gave him lots of time to watch Dr. Phil

[Aaronak]

If I'm not mistaken, that was a shuttle from Star Trek.

[Beppie]

Oh! Don't kill the good looking Russian! Must he die?

[Razumihin]

Outside, and possibly inside, and perhaps three feet to the left of . . .

[WoosterGirl]

Ok, so..so far we have:

perimeter
schematics
nukular
"just trust me"
long rambling dialogue

as our drinking cues.

Any add-ons?

[mellio]

oh, barf already

[tropichunt.com guy™]

American taxpayers paid millions for that? Bah, at the rate they pay for toilet seats and nuts/bolts, that means it's really only a $20 tinker toy.

[danceswithvowels]

Noted. *drink*

[Jessica R.]

It is getting chilly in CTU!

[WayneHere]

paint......drying.......

[Razumihin]

If it's not ready in 30 minutes, it's free. . .

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

WG, how about "Where's Tom?"

[slyeyes]

WG: "It's complicated"

[Ann]

Hello everyone! I'm joining late tonight but I've been watching.

Wow, Chad's not only not as cute as his brother, he's not as sharp either.

[Kali.Amanda]

MJ still feeling the after-effects of the Oscars? Things are going boom soon, stay with us!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yep, Jessica Alba still can't act.

[danceswithvowels]

Cymbalta. It may be right for your Silver Surfer condition.

[JacksGirl]

"Open a socket" - that's another drinking cue

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Victoria Secret...embrace me....soooooo diiissstrraaacccttteedd...

[tjblaze]

this is a violation of the Geneva agreement!

wait - cymbalta (side effects include constipation?!?)

[Aaronak]

Arabs take weeks to arm a bomb.
Russians take hours.
Americans take 30 minutes.
Japanese have a bomb that arms itself, but it is very cute.

[dantes]

yummm. Cymbalta. 45 seconds of side effects.

[CJrun]

If that happens we will have to further shorten down to suitnukedrone.

[jlfintx]

So is President Handbag now President Amazing Grace or what?

The writing has really gone down hill. As if it could get worse.....

[Ann]

Anyone else get that Cymbalta commercial - "Depression hurts, but you don't have to?" I think with all that nausea and cramping it causes, I'll be hurting depressed or not.

[Chad4359]

Yes taco bell lions!!!

[WFNY]

If the people on the Verizon commercial didn't duck when the train went under the overpass, there would have been some action this hour!

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

Andy, does she really need to?

[danceswithvowels]

wait - cymbalta (side effects include constipation?!?)

That's depressing.

[Allen at Division]

Does anybody else think that Weasel Chaddd looks like Pinto from "Animal House"?... Don't you think any minute he's going to break into that goofy grin?...

[Beppie]

Maybe they surpassed their budget of having people on the show just to die.

[CJrun]

Or maybe Dronuke.

[Jessica R.]

What is this Victoria Secret Embrace? I haven't seen that commercial yet.

[dantes]

They're going for the nuclear air blast. Much worse than a ground blast.

[Bryan]

That Jeff Foxworthy show looks kind of funny.

Dear god, I just said "Foxworthy" and "funny" in the same sentence. AAAAAAHHH!!!

[Razumihin]

She doesn't know what a pronoun is? Now that's terrifying . . .

[WoosterGirl]

OK, drinking cues are:

perimiter
schematics
"Just trust me"
"Where's Tom?"
"It's complicated."
nukular
long rambling dialogue

Is it me, or does this show just get better and betterer?

Oh wait, it's me. I'm drunk.

[danceswithvowels]

Morris has missing sectors. In his shoulder!

[Ann]

Alien - he definitely does.

[Jemmy]

Knowing a pronoun was smarter than a second grader.

[slyeyes]

Did she say "missing sectors" or My Zing Vectors?

[Wes S.]

"Suitnukedrone?" That isn't the first time they've trotted out this plotline. Remember back in Season Four when the terrorists grabbed a ground-launched cruise missile from a military convoy in Iowa (?) and fired it at Los Angeles? That plotline "droned" on for several episodes, too...

Damnit, if I wanted "24" reruns, I would be watching the DVDs...

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

Rambling dialogue!
*drinks*

[ArcticAl]

Nadia is a woman on a mission - must screw Morris.

[Aaronak]

"Long rambling dialogue" is very vague.

[jodi-o]

What are we doing tonight, talking the terrorists into a stupor?

[WoosterGirl]

"Galvanized into action."

The world is so stainless-steel ready!

[Razumihin]

So basically we're watching other people watch TV now . . .

[Eponder]

Maybe if Morris goes to bed one of the boring talking subplots will go away.

HANDBAG STILL HAS A WEDDING RING!

[tjblaze]

go home and crawl into bed and forget this day ever happened

don't trust nadia

[Ann]

sly, is "My Zing Vectors" Chloe's band?

Where's Former First Lady Ramparts?

[danceswithvowels]

Logan taps his secret stach of unopened shirts. And goes into a Twin Peaks reverie. Cue the Log Lady.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Okay, future prediction: President Handbag is out for revenge! The sick, incompetent bast*rd!

[MJ]

Ok...Itzin needs an Emmy. DAMNIT!

[JacksGirl]

Was President Handbag just talking to himself?

[WoosterGirl]

Whoa! Jack in a SUIT!

[Gringa]

why does president handbag keep his ties in the TV table drawer?

[ArcticAl]

So where did Jack get a suit from?

[Sarah]

Hey, I'm offended by that. I don't want to see the Bible.

Just kidding. That's about the most exciting thing in this episode, yet.

[MaryContrary]

Did Jack borrow a suit from ex-President "Praise the Lord!" Handbag?

[huh?]

what the heck did he just whisper?

[Chad4359]

Its a drinking cue the vaguer the better. By the way how about we add the CTU ringer and sockets to the cues.

[mellio]

Somehow, Handbag has something to do with murdering the president...oh, and is Morris the mole?

[Ann]

D'oh! Chloe is teed off!

[MJ]

MORRIS IS IN TROUUUBBLLLE!

[Kali.Amanda]

Morris is in deep doo doo!

[JacksGirl]

Uh oh. Morris is in trouble with Chloe now!

[Jessica R.]

Uh oh, Morris got out the kitty door!

[OhioNora]

CTU has a bathroom!!!

[Beppie]

He missed his AA meetings. He is soooo EVIL.

[Aaronak]

Chloe has entered the men's room.

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

Har!

[WoosterGirl]

I love Chloe. She's so subtle.

[Razumihin]

You'll just have to hold it, buddy-not now!

[MJ]

"NOT NOW!" LMAO!!

[ArcticAl]

Chloe in command -Not Now!

Just go piss in the hall.

[Ann]

I gotta agree with Morris on the whole "marching into a men's room" thing. It's either obsession or a really, really long line for the women's room.

[danceswithvowels]

House goes in the women's room.

[tjblaze]

we need them on the floor not in the stall

[CJrun]

I can be pretty obsessed when I march into a Men's Room.

[JacksGirl]

Awww...I don't think Morris will be drinking with us anymore...

[Wes S.]

NOOOO! He poured out the single-malt scotch!

[Jessica R.]

Not now, HAR! Not Ever this is 24!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yay Morris!

[jodi-o]

House has better dialogue.

[Beppie]

He keeps jumping on and off the wagon. His metabolism can't take much more.

[WoosterGirl]

Dances, now there's a sublime couple! House and Chloe!

[Zach Bauer]

Morris had his Season 3 Jack Bauer moment.

[OhioNora]

Think he metabolized the rest of that bottle??

*hic*

[Ann]

No Tom Lennox? Well, OK, have we heard from Annie Lennox?