24

Here are the schematics of the plot perimeter:

The highlight of last week's episode was the heartwarming moment between Jack and his dad, Farmer Hoggett, when FH made Jack kneel down at gunpoint, but decided -- The old softy! --not to shoot Jack in the back of his head. That's how you show true affection Bauer-family style: by not killing a fellow Bauer. I'm assuming Jack and his dad will meet again before this season is up, and that their father-son reunion will make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like Teletubbies.

Anyway, at the very end of last week, Farmer Hoggett left a phone for Jack, with instructions to call a certain number, and when Jack did, the person at the other end, in a totally unexpected plot twisteroo, was...

Anna Nicole Smith.

No, sorry, she is still deceased, and so is Edgar. The shocking twisteroo person at the other end was Disgraced Former President Complete Handbag, whom we used to hate but who now looks pretty good compared with our current leader, President Gary Payton of Your World Champion For Now Miami Heat, whose strategy for dealing with nuclear terrorists is apparently to put the entire nation into a drooling stupor by talking in measured tones.

In subplot action, the Ally McBeal Weenie, who looked like he was going to join the plot -- which this blog wholeheartedly supports -- to whack President Payton and replace him with Vice President Powers Boothe, decided instead to rat out the plotters, so he was clubbed with a flashlight in the bunker by Colonel Mustard, who... no, wait, sorry, he was clubbed by his treacherous aide Reed, but, tragically, does not appear to have been killed.

In the Morris-and-Chloe subplot, Morris is still down on himself for programming the suitnukes after being used as a human do-it-yourself project by the evil terrorist submastermind Fayed. Chloe still loves Morris because he did not metabolize his alcohol. (Chloe can tell, just by looking at you, what you have metabolized.)

The Walid-and-Sandra subplot has completely disappeared, which is fine with me. If the writers try to bring it back, I think the other characters should say to them, "Get out of here! You never had anything to do with the plot anyway!"

Anyway, the big question tonight is: What will ex-president Handbag tell Jack about Gredenko, the evil terrorist mastermind for now? Can Jack find the remaining bombs before they go off? Most important of all, will there be any sightings of ex-president Handbag's First Lady?

We will just have to wait and see. And while we are waiting, let us not forget to metabolize.

UPDATE: It is SO hard to get good terrorist submastermind help these days.

UPDATE: The bunker has Ominous Muzak.

UPDATE: PERIMETER!

UPDATE: "He reminds me of you... neither one of you can act."

UPDATE: "Hi! We're here to kill the president!" "OK, then!"

UPDATE: Duct tape!

UPDATE: "We're not cold-blooded murderers." Who WRITES this stuff?

UPDATE: Victoria's Secret has reinvented the bra... again.

UPDATE: Morris specificed the wrong slot assignment for the SIP adapter! If I had a nickel for every time I did that...

UPDATE: If somebody had drilled two inches into my shoulder with a 3/8" bit, I would not swing my arms the way Morris does when he walks.

UPDATE: Too much talking.

UPDATE: Snore.

UPDATE: A drone!

UPDATE: So, do we think the terrorists will put a suitnuke on the drone, and it will drone away for several tense episodes? Or what?

UPDATE: It takes THIRTY MINUTES to get a bomb ready?

UPDATE: There can be no question that the highlights of tonight's episode are being provided by Victoria's Secret.

UPDATE: "Don't be sarcastic! Your data merge is incomplete!"

UPDATE: The Morris subplot is getting so repetitive that they have to be setting us up for a shockeroo, right? Like he's a mole? Or he's the one who reinvented the bra?

UPDATE: They're clearing a ground corridor. That's like a perimeter, right?

UPDATE: YES! Chloe is NOT afraid to yank a man off the toilet.

UPDATE: Morris didn't wipe.

UPDATE: The old cough ruse.

UPDATE: Seriously, you put a three-inch piece of duct tape on my mouth, and I will have it off in seconds without using my hands.

UPDATE: OK, it just now occurred to the weenie to do that?

UPDATE: Summary: Not enough Jack. Way too much talking. One boom -- one lousy boom -- at the end. The clear action highlight was Chloe yanking Morris out of the toilet.  And of course the reinvented bra, which seems to work well. We now await the amazing Steve, who should be writing the show, if you want this blog's opinion.

Comments

[Wes S.]

...How are they going to make Tom's death "look like a suicide" with Tom duct-taped to the chair, beaten to a pulp?

[ArcticAl]

Duct tape - the solution to all problems!

[Aaronak]

"We're not cold-blooded murderers. We're just murdering someone in cold blood."

[WizzyPigabeth]

"We're not cold blooded murderers...."

[Beppie]

You know what that duct tape means! They are about to take off in the Space Shuttle!!

[WoosterGirl]

Hmmmm. Chad Lowe trying to off the Biscuit.

Rob Lowe making googly eyes at Ally McBeal on "Brothers and Sisters."

It's a conspiracy. Of what, I don't know.

[WayneHere]

^solves "all" ^

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Victoria's Secret sale!

Sooooooo......dissstrraaaccccccccttttteeeeeeddddd....

[danceswithvowels]

Duct tape or Secret Embrace? You decide.

[slyeyes]

It's ok to kill the president but not Tom?!?!?

Interesting set of values there.

[Jemmy]

Duct tape can even stick to the sweatiest of sweaty faces.

[Chad4359]

Gotta love Victoria's Secret commercials

[Unrealious]

Didn't I hear that line in Cliffhanger too?

[WoosterGirl]

Are the Taco Bell Lions out of rotation?

Carrrrrne Asada.

[mellio]

I'll guarantee you, all government suicides involve at least two shots to the head....

which means they aren't going to kill off the guy, they....ah, see, Chad Lowe just gave away the whole plot, which means it's HE who is toast, not McBeal-weenie!

Boy, this blog-along thing is fun! Who knew??? :))))

[Razumihin]

They're hot-blooded murderers; there's a difference.

[Jessica R.]

Fighting with reality suspension device...They walked a bomb into the White House?! One of the Pres's top aides is duct taped to a chair in the same room, and no one has missed him yet?!

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

15 minutes; no explosions, no shooting;

[Chad4359]

No, sexy like Ricardo Montabon

[WoosterGirl]

Melinda is dead meat.

[mellio]

Finally! Someone misses Tom! Took 'em long enough...

[Jemmy]

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

[danceswithvowels]

Uh oh. Conference B-aloney.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

The terrorists must have drilled Morris' brains out...

[tw]

Morris specified the wrong slot assignment. What an idiot!

[ArcticAl]

Of course its the wrong SIP adapter! Chloe knowws everythng.

[WayneHere]

Carne Asssssssssssss.....aadddddddddddd....aaaaaa

[Aaronak]

Uh-oh. Morris forgot to check the SIP. Chloe's pissed.

[Sam G.]

Oh my God. Morris specified the wrong slot assignments. Or whatever.

[OhioNora]

Geek Girl to the rescue!!

[danceswithvowels]

I'm Morris. I can enable terrorists and do my job. So I'm finicky.

[Beppie]

Dang, woman, give him a break! Morris is under a lot of pressure!

[slyeyes]

Long talk? When? That was 10 minutes ago.

[WayneHere]

Morris--you have to get the slot right

[Unrealious]

Rule number 37 of personal moral code: If the president is not doing a good job...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Hey, his AA sponsor is MY BOSS! WHAT THE HECK!

[slyeyes]

"He's been tortured."

"Yeah, he's a little upset."

Chloe, our mistress of understatement.

[Jake]

WE NEED MORRIS ON THE FLOOR. One tequila, two tequila...

[Bryan]

How odd, Chloe has the same number as President Handbag!

[danceswithvowels]

I'd've thought Morris's pressure would be relieved by the 3/8" drill.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jeeez....that phone number is going to become the 555-1212 of TV now...

[Razumihin]

So, Logan was evil big-time, yet he still gets "an estate"? How does that work?

[WoosterGirl]

Wow. Handbag and Jack are both a bit on the short side.

[Beppie]

Oh, I thought he was going to ask him to dance.

[Jemmy]

Tsk, Jack. I thought the long squinty-eyed look WAS a "moment."

[ArcticAl]

I can help you, of course for a price. I"ve reconnected to my faith.

[slyeyes]

Logan looks like Nixon in a beard.

[mellio]

Suddenly, Handbag finds his wallet and grows gonads at the same time...

[danceswithvowels]

I'm not the same man. I have a beard now. I don't need anything else.

[WFNY]

Did President Handbag have a lobotomy?

[Chad4359]

He does look like Nixon. That's a terrible beard though

[WayneHere]

Damn Handbag---i thaough my Amish beard was bad.........dude

[WizzyPigabeth]

WHen will Rick Schroeder appear?

Who else is grossed out by Logan? ech!!

[Sam G.]

Jack is making frequent use of his Death Stare.

[WoosterGirl]

Oh, for the love of Mike.

Stop talking! Somebody shoot something!

[Beppie]

HEy, but Jack had time to shave closely!

[mellio]

Trust me! I am not a crook--let me handle this...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

President Handbag looks like...Saddam Hussain. Just sayin'.

[Sarah]

Close talker!

[Chad4359]

I don't think Jack has any other stare but the death stare

[Razumihin]

An estate AND horses. I'm in the wrong line of work. I should take up evil, apparently.

[tjblaze]

baby got back(channel)

[danceswithvowels]

EGCG. CBGB. Whatever.

[slyeyes]

He's drawing a picture of someone's package? On network TV?

[Jessica R.]

No, WFNY, he was always a handbag.

[Chad4359]

Victoria's Secret # 2

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Victoria Secret Embrace...ssooooooo diisssstttrrraaaccccttteeeddd....

[Jemmy]

He has the death stare and the extra-squinty death stare.

[Jessica R.]

"A little less talk, and a lot more action!"

[danceswithvowels]

New 24 M.O. Talk the blog to death.

[Chad4359]

GM really needs to kill the president's day sale commercials. Its been over for a week.

[Chad4359]

GM really needs to kill the president's day sale commercials. Its been over for a week.

[Zach Bauer]

Woo hoo! More Nadia!

President Handbag looks like Saddam.

[slyeyes]

Did the writers negotiate a contract for this year in which they get paid by the word?

[ArcticAl]

Would you like squinty, or extra squinty with your death stare?

[JacksGirl]

Wait! I just got home and (and!) am new to this blog.

. . . Has Jack said "Just trust me" yet? He has to say that at least once an episode, I think. I'm pretty sure it's in Kiefer's contract.

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

I propose a change: Instead of drinking when they set up a perimeter, we should now drink when they have a long, explanatory dialogue.

[danceswithvowels]

Man, duct tape has been the highlight of almost 1/2 hour.

[MaryContrary]

Well, at least that bomb should be going off in the Presidential Bunker in about 20 minutes.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Zach: Saddam Hussain...Beat ya to it. :)

[tjblaze]

Victoria's Secret, Mercedes, Lexus and ... Ford Fusion?

[WoosterGirl]

JacksGirl, please tell me you're not Audrey.

And...no.

[Mr. Shop Person]

OK, let's just stop this 3/8ths inch drill bit stuff. Sure, it was a 3/8ths inch drive drill, but the bit was a freakin' auger bit and looked closer to 1/2 inch. Auger bits are hideous!

[Sam G.]

House Arrest seems really nice.

[Jemmy]

My closed captioning read "Antatolyolyoly Markov."

[Jessica R.]

Ex-Pres Handbag kinda looks like Billy Joel with the beard.

[WizzyPigabeth]

"I don't trust this man, Jack!"

[WoosterGirl]

Hammond, if we did that, half of us would be in an alcoholic coma by 9:30.

[danceswithvowels]

Auger. Audrey. Whatever.

[Eponder]

He wants redemption..."pray with me, Mike!"

[ArcticAl]

I agree with Mr. Shop Person. I was more like a 1" auger bit in a 3/8" chuck.

[Razumihin]

A "prior relationship," huh?

[mellio]

oooh, he has a 'prior relationship' with the New Bad Guy For Now...

[WFNY]

Nice touch, Handbag's reading his bible while he waits.

[Jessica R.]

Somebody give Dave a nudge. He's probably drifting off to sleep, or he's headed out for more Cheezits (TM thingie).

[jodi-o]

I was thinking of adding 'schematics' to the drinking list.

[Hammond (Vote for Dave!) Rye]

Yes, WG, and your point is...

[MJ]

This should be full of suspense....why do I feel bored?!

[Sarah]

30 minutes in, and so far there has been no shooting, or action.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

President Handbag is wearing one of those bracelets like Snake Plissken from Escape From New York. That means he has a poison capsule in his neck. We're safe. And due for some good TV later when the capsules explode.