Here is where we stand:
Last week we found out that the creepy bald scotch-drinking Bluetooth-wearing puppetmaster guy from last season is JACK'S BROTHER (!), whose name is Graham, which is spelled Graem. Graem has a hot wife who has Not Gotten Over Jack. They have a son who does not look like Graem, if you catch my drift. Jack went over to Graem's house and, after a few pleasantries, punched him out and began torturing him with a plastic bag, which was pretty much the action highlight last week, unless you count a helicopter falling off a roof, which we do not.
Jack needs to torture Graem because their father -- that's right, JACK'S FATHER (!!) -- has something to do with these pesky nuclear bombs that these pesky terrorists are setting off. And we know from last week's previews that the father is Farmer Arthur Hoggett, the guy who rescued Babe the pig.
Meanwhile U.S. President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat is turning out to be the least-effective president the nation has ever had on 24 since the last one. His staff apparently consists of two advisors. No matter what happens, the two of them immediately start arguing in Wooden DialogueSpeak, and instead of telling them to put a sock in it so the plot can get going again in the form of Jack committing acts of
violence anti-terrorism, President Payton just sits there, with the expression of a man who is either undecided or severely constipated, until the commercial break.
I'm hoping for things to pick up this week, but I'm also hoping that they don't pick up too quickly, because Mrs. Blog, a sportswriter, is off interviewing Indianapolis Colts tonight, which means I have to put Sophie to bed, which means when the torture resumes I may still be reading (speaking of torture) Fox in Socks. But I will get here as soon as I can. In the meantime, I will be counting on you folks to remain vigilant.
UPDATE: Not the arguing advisors! Sheesh.
UPDATE: Are they going to kill Karen? I'm OK with that.
UPDATE: OK, I have no idea what is going on. Who's McCarthy?
UPDATE: Dad is looking for McCarthy! Whoever that is.
UPDATE: I bet that, when they were kids, Jack was always giving Graeme noogies.
UPDATE: I think a perimeter could be coming...
UPDATE: Morris said "perimeter." Then BILL said "perimeter."
UPDATE: WHO IS MCCARTHY? AND WHAT IS BXJ? Maybe I need more beer.
UPDATE Oh, wait. Is the Brit guy with the bimbo McCarthy?
UPDATE: I know I have asked this before, but: Doesn't it seem odd that there is so little panic in the streets of Los Angeles following a nuclear freaking explosion?
UPDATE: Nadia has been flagged! And she's a REGISTERED REPUBLICAN.
UPDATE: Sandra is lucky she's Gary Payton's sister, because she is really annoying.
UPDATE: So the Ally McBeal guy is running the country.
UPDATE: Yes! Get in the ring with her!
UPDATE: Man. How long has it been since there was any real
violence counterterrorim on this show? I'm starting to miss the cannisters.
UPDATE: So wait... they think she might be a security risk, so they gave her a slower processor?
UPDATE: Sure, just barge right in on President Payton!
UPDATE: OK, please wake me up when there is some sense of urgency about THE NUCLEAR FREAKING ATTACK.
UPDATE: I love it when they say "niner"
UPDATE: You would think the guys in the lockup would start a game of dodgeball or something.
UPDATE: Do we think Walid is dead meat?
UPDATE: Well, that was violent, but not in a good way.
UPDATE: OK, our last hope for excitement tonight is whatever happens with Jack and Graem and Farmer Hoggett.
UPDATE: Jack laughs at your little "security system."
UPDATE: "Hi dad!"
UPDATE: I just wish one of them would look at the camera for, like, 30 seconds, and clearly explain who McCarthy is.
UPDATE: He aint heavyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
UPDATE: He doublecrossed Farmer Hoggett! That little poop!
UPDATE: Wow. That was... unsatisfying. Good look, Amazing Steve.