24

Here is the situation on the ground:

There is barf on the ground. Jack Bauer emitted it last week after shooting Curtis, which Jack had to do because Curtis was about to shoot the evil terrorist Assad, or possibly Fayed. I, personally, am not 100 percent convinced that Curtis is dead -- at least not as dead as Edgar -- but Jack was so sick about the shooting that, despite his three-year contract, he was going to quit being a counter-terrorism agent right then and there, which would have meant the end of this hugely popular award-winning dramatic series. Fortunately, at just that moment terrorists working for Fayed (or possibly Assad) detonated a nuclear bomb in Valencia.This was just the "pick-me-up" that Jack needed. So tonight he's back, trying to track down the other four suitcase nukes, which we assume are located somewhere around Los Angeles, because otherwise there will have to be several episodes consisting entirely of of Jack flying to, say, Chicago ("Dammit, I'm a federal agent, and I want a second package of peanuts NOW!").

In other developments:

-- The official 24 website is conducting a poll that asks: "What other terrorist body part do you think Jack could easily bite off?"

-- Kumar is dead. He was not a very effective terrorist anyway, having been severely wounded by a coffee table.

-- According to the previews of this week's show, the creepy bald scotch-drinking puppet-master guy will return. We don't know whether he is puppet-mastering President Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, but we do know that President Payton is proving to be the least-effective president this nation has ever had since the last one.

-- There is still no sign of Audrey, knock on wood used to generate dialogue.

So that is where we stand. Everybody get ready.

UPDATE: Whoa. Some guy just shot himself on Prison Break. I'm sure I would be amazed if I had any idea what was going on.

UPDATE: They're saying Saw III is the best Saw so far.

UPDATE: The bunker!

UPDATE: The bunker looks like a steak house.

UPDATE: Does everybody inauthority seem just a little, I dunno, low-key, considering that A NUCLEAR FREAKING BOMB WENT OFF??

UPDATE: OK, who is this guy with the accent?

UPDATE: Jack knows exactly what to do with a roof helicopter.

UPDATE: The nuclear shock wave is causing extras and special effects to occur all over Los Angeles.

UPDATE: The president uses an Apple!

UPDATE: "The only language they understand is force." Thanks, dialogue generator!

UPDATE: Bill doesn't know where Assad's hand has been.

UPDATE: Blah blah. Where's Jack?

UPDATE: OK, just for the record, so far nothing has happened except a helicopter fell off a roof.

UPDATE: MIlo is falling in love with Morris.

UPDATE: Jack's FATHER???

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be cool if Jack's father turned out to be William Devane?

UPDATE: They're gonna wire Walid!

UPDATE: They're gonna give Walid a swirly!

UPDATE: I'm not sure how to spell swirly.

UPDATE: Jack's father lives with Sam. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

UPDATE: THE BALD GUY IS JACK'S BROTHER??????

UPDATE: What if Jack has a sister, and it's Princess Leia?

UPDATE: I wonder if Sam knows that Jack's dad has girlfriends.

UPDATE: The Los Angeles freeways are jammed! Wait, that's normal.

UPDATE: That's Graham's wife? Whoa.

UPDATE: She's not over Jack? And HE WAS HOT FOR AUDREY??

UPDATE: Blah blah blah, Mr. President.

UPDATE: It must take them many takes to record those presidential-advisor scenes without falling asleep.

UPDATE: OK, does anybody have a clue who this couple is?

UPDATE: At the 45-minute mark, the helicopter is still the highwater mark, violencewise. This is not acceptable.

UPDATE: The Walid subplot is slooooooooooooooooow.

UPDATE: Maybe Jack will shoot Graham in the thigh. Is that too much to ask for?

UPDATE: Do we think Jack could be... Josh's father?

UPDATE: I suppose Jack could give Graham a swirly (sp?), but there's not much to swirl.

UPDATE: Hitting! Good.

UPDATE: "Trust me... I'm not." Excellent.

UPDATE: I hate to say this, but President Payton is a bigger handbag than President Handbag was.

UPDATE: It specifically states on those plastic bags that you are not supposed to use them that way.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack's dead wife!  AND THE DAD IS THE OLD GUY FROM "BABE" THE TRAINED PIG MOVIE!

In summary: Some shockeroos, but  no shooting, no nukes, and way too much talking. We have to do better, people. Take it, Amazing Steve.

Comments

[Ann]

That kid is suspiciously blonde, though. Is Uncle Jack really Father Jack?

[bizrey]

Oooo good call Kristy! Josh has that gravely voice just like his REAL dad!!

[Crash]

That's NOT his nephew.
That's his son. You know it.

[Eponder]

ooo i just saw sparks fly

[slyeyes]

Kinda been a wierd day.

The kid's into understatements.

[Hammond Rye]

That is jack's kid.

[Jeannie]

the nephew is Jack's son!

[thylus]

Josh Looks more Like Jack than scotchie boy

[Joe]

Holy Criminy!

It's Jack kid!

[largebill]

Prediction time: Josh is really Jack's kid.

[Wes S.]

Doesn't Nephew Josh look sort of like Kim? Looks like Bluetooth Bro wasn't the father...

[Joe]

Holy Criminy!

It's Jack kid!

[TandCinKC]

Yoda voice: "no, there is another"

[Erich]

Oh yea, definitely little Jack Jr. there

[Gretchen]

Montgomery is even shorter than Jack. So, he's -- what -- three feet tall?

[Sarah]

They need to do a Maury Paternity Test!

[glow]

ooops, I meant Prez\\\'s sistah! Bwah. The wine is working good tonight.

Real Brotherly Lurv here, hic.

[Timmay]

hot biscuit...and Jack's been getting busy with his sis' in Law

[Yelwrose]

Well, that was a heart-warming reunion. I think I'm going to cry. "He ain't heavvvyyyy..."

[hdecker44]

Jack: I just killed a guy with my teeth today. Can I borrow your aquafresh?

[Suzy Q]

Oh Ann, you are suspicious! I like that in a woman.

[sam]

that would explain why grahm sent him to china!

[Crash]

I would have done the same.

[Wes S.]

FINALLY!!! Violence!

[TandCinKC]

ALRIGHT! The Lamp Cord!!!!!

[KDF]

*POP!*

[Cheesewiz]

jack hates bluetooth people

[WayneHere]

Yes---should have hit him 3 minutes ago-the yuppie kid too

[JediRacer8]

Finally!! Some nice family violence.

[Jim M]

Oh yeah!!!! Sibling torture!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oh, yes! Electicity on the gonads? Thigh stabbing time? COOL! Go, JACK, GO!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Just a little brotherly wrestling match. Nothing to worry about Marilyn.

[hdecker44]

Jack: No aquafresh? I'm going to have to punch you now.

[Ryan]

This is going to make things awkward at the next family reunion.

[Timmay]

At least Josh can start ignoring those Rogaine commercials now...

[BillB]

a new 24 classic line:
"Jack, relax!" POW!!

[bizrey]

Yay! The ol' lamp cord gambit!!

[Sarah]

I can see it now... Maury would announce that Jack is the father, and there would be some major thigh shootin' going on. That's got to run in the family, right?

[TandCinKC]

Crap... I thought bluetooth was in for the Audrey's boyfriend treatment.

[johnnycamaro]

trust me...drinks all around

[Jessica R.]

Who called the two thigh shots for Greg??

[insomniac]

brother: oh no, it's junior high all over again!

[Bob]

Thigh shot!

[ChuckE]

Not so powerful without your Bluetooth phone, are you, Graham? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

[OhioNora]

Trust him!!! Heh! Heh!

[mister9a]

Now we knoiw how Jack developed his skills....

[Unrealious]

No I really think you are, Jack

[Suzy Q]

The thigh! Shoot him in the thigh!! THEN torture him.

Save the neck for later, Jack. That's dessert!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh, geeeeeze!

[mister9a]

jack's bite is definitely worse than his bark

[glow]

He should rip brother\\\'s Evil Alias Mask off!

[CJrun]

We interrupt this brother torture for a Presidential speech from a TelePrompter.

[Jazzzz]

Oh, he is soooooo sincere

[Ann]

The other question is, how do I stop looking like I'm reading all of this?

[ChuckE]

Worst. Fake President. Ever.

[Timmay]

ugh, I hate staging episodes

"America has been hit by a nuclear weapon." Not so hard to say after all Mr. President...

[largebill]

Wow did I ever get beat to the punch on the prediciton that Josh is really Jack's kid.

[Wes S.]

...Oh boy. Looks like they also used the Wooden Dialogue Generator for Allstate Junior's "State of the Radioactive Union" speech...

[Suzy Q]

The State of the Union Address preview.

Whaddya bet Bush says the very same things tomorrow?

[Steven Jens]

Yes! Let your anger guide you down a dangerous path! That's the fun-to-watch option...

[Gretchen]

And now, in a totally Star Wars moment, the REAL President Palmer appears to his brother to counsel him. All Obi-Kenobi like.

[Sarah]

Jack just wants him to admit that he really DID take his GI Joe toy as a kid.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Jack's turned into a killin' machine!!!

[bizrey]

Awright! Way to end on a high-note!

[slyeyes]

These people are WAYYYYY beyond Dr. Phil's help.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Death by Publix bag!

[Jeannie]

Oh my! Forced family fun!

[CJrun]

A speech so bad, it was suffocating.

[JediRacer8]

Now THAT was cool! Those used Walmart bags are good for something.

[TandCinKC]

Could Allstate Junior be a worse public speaker? Sing-song, sing-song... no wonder he picks advisors that can substitute for No Doze.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Now there's a Bauer line.

Now that's action! Haven't seen a good plastic bag gagging since Dylan McDermet from "In the Line of Fire"!

[KDF]

Ya gotta love the Saran Wrap™ treatment.

[Ryan]

He's going to have to hold his breath for a week...

[Ann]

The ol' bag-over-the-head trick. He looked like the "Scream" painting!

[Jim M]

OMG! He did not pay attention to the warning about using the plastic bag as a play toy!!!

[Jazzzz]

Still not too late to kill sister mo-fo

[Jessica R.]

Oh come on...all of those bags have suffocation warnings on them. What a sissy way to kill your brother!

[OhioNora]

Think Graham can hold his breath til next week?

[jobob]

Real nice brotherly torture goin' on at the end

and OF COURSE that's Jack's kid.

[ChuckE]

Tune in next week, when Jack shows Graham an interesting new use for chopsticks he picked up while overseas.

[Suzy Q]

Wes: The Wooden Dialogue Generator was CREATED just specially for Alterna President Palmer.

[Steven Jens]

We've just met him! He can't die yet!

[WayneHere]

I guess Wayne still isn't a name portrayed well in the media. What were my parents thinking?

[glow]

Wow, I think Jack has learned some new killing techniques from the gulag. Chewing on the neck. And now plastic bagging the head!

[Gretchen]

*Snorks* @ CJRun.

[Wes S.]

"Whaddya bet Bush says the very same things tomorrow?"

I won't take that bet, Suzy. Dubya's speech isn't anywhere near that wooden.

[slyeyes]

If Graham survives, I'm betting he picks "paper" the next time at the grocery store.

[Yelwrose]

Jack's temporary torture-disability has cleared up nicely. There's no one like family when you need a helping hand. HOW THE %&*$#@ DID THAT LOSER GET TO BE PRESIDENT??

[Jim M]

Its the knife! We have thigh action next week!

[Unrealious]

Jack is going to use his patented Graham cracker

[Ann]

Wow, time to call my brother and tell him to be grateful I've never been that mad at him.

[Timmay]

uh oh, Baldie is screwed...never mention Terry

[Sam G]

THAT'LL DO, PIG

[Momanon]

That'll do Jack...that'll do.

[Crash]

THAT'LL DO PIG.

[TandCinKC]

Wow. Babe's dad is Jack's dad! What are the odds?

[Sarah]

Whoever was said to live in Pittsburgh - how about those Al Lorenzo commercials, earlier? HAH. That's some top-notch Pittsburghese going on right there.

[Steven Jens]

Sly: well done. :-)

[hdecker44]

Farmer Hoggit from Babe is Jack's father!?

[Jazzzz]

NO!!! NOT HIM!!!

[Jeannie]

Wow, Donald Sutherland looks different than I remember.