24

Here is the situation on the ground:

There is barf on the ground. Jack Bauer emitted it last week after shooting Curtis, which Jack had to do because Curtis was about to shoot the evil terrorist Assad, or possibly Fayed. I, personally, am not 100 percent convinced that Curtis is dead -- at least not as dead as Edgar -- but Jack was so sick about the shooting that, despite his three-year contract, he was going to quit being a counter-terrorism agent right then and there, which would have meant the end of this hugely popular award-winning dramatic series. Fortunately, at just that moment terrorists working for Fayed (or possibly Assad) detonated a nuclear bomb in Valencia.This was just the "pick-me-up" that Jack needed. So tonight he's back, trying to track down the other four suitcase nukes, which we assume are located somewhere around Los Angeles, because otherwise there will have to be several episodes consisting entirely of of Jack flying to, say, Chicago ("Dammit, I'm a federal agent, and I want a second package of peanuts NOW!").

In other developments:

-- The official 24 website is conducting a poll that asks: "What other terrorist body part do you think Jack could easily bite off?"

-- Kumar is dead. He was not a very effective terrorist anyway, having been severely wounded by a coffee table.

-- According to the previews of this week's show, the creepy bald scotch-drinking puppet-master guy will return. We don't know whether he is puppet-mastering President Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, but we do know that President Payton is proving to be the least-effective president this nation has ever had since the last one.

-- There is still no sign of Audrey, knock on wood used to generate dialogue.

So that is where we stand. Everybody get ready.

UPDATE: Whoa. Some guy just shot himself on Prison Break. I'm sure I would be amazed if I had any idea what was going on.

UPDATE: They're saying Saw III is the best Saw so far.

UPDATE: The bunker!

UPDATE: The bunker looks like a steak house.

UPDATE: Does everybody inauthority seem just a little, I dunno, low-key, considering that A NUCLEAR FREAKING BOMB WENT OFF??

UPDATE: OK, who is this guy with the accent?

UPDATE: Jack knows exactly what to do with a roof helicopter.

UPDATE: The nuclear shock wave is causing extras and special effects to occur all over Los Angeles.

UPDATE: The president uses an Apple!

UPDATE: "The only language they understand is force." Thanks, dialogue generator!

UPDATE: Bill doesn't know where Assad's hand has been.

UPDATE: Blah blah. Where's Jack?

UPDATE: OK, just for the record, so far nothing has happened except a helicopter fell off a roof.

UPDATE: MIlo is falling in love with Morris.

UPDATE: Jack's FATHER???

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be cool if Jack's father turned out to be William Devane?

UPDATE: They're gonna wire Walid!

UPDATE: They're gonna give Walid a swirly!

UPDATE: I'm not sure how to spell swirly.

UPDATE: Jack's father lives with Sam. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

UPDATE: THE BALD GUY IS JACK'S BROTHER??????

UPDATE: What if Jack has a sister, and it's Princess Leia?

UPDATE: I wonder if Sam knows that Jack's dad has girlfriends.

UPDATE: The Los Angeles freeways are jammed! Wait, that's normal.

UPDATE: That's Graham's wife? Whoa.

UPDATE: She's not over Jack? And HE WAS HOT FOR AUDREY??

UPDATE: Blah blah blah, Mr. President.

UPDATE: It must take them many takes to record those presidential-advisor scenes without falling asleep.

UPDATE: OK, does anybody have a clue who this couple is?

UPDATE: At the 45-minute mark, the helicopter is still the highwater mark, violencewise. This is not acceptable.

UPDATE: The Walid subplot is slooooooooooooooooow.

UPDATE: Maybe Jack will shoot Graham in the thigh. Is that too much to ask for?

UPDATE: Do we think Jack could be... Josh's father?

UPDATE: I suppose Jack could give Graham a swirly (sp?), but there's not much to swirl.

UPDATE: Hitting! Good.

UPDATE: "Trust me... I'm not." Excellent.

UPDATE: I hate to say this, but President Payton is a bigger handbag than President Handbag was.

UPDATE: It specifically states on those plastic bags that you are not supposed to use them that way.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack's dead wife!  AND THE DAD IS THE OLD GUY FROM "BABE" THE TRAINED PIG MOVIE!

In summary: Some shockeroos, but  no shooting, no nukes, and way too much talking. We have to do better, people. Take it, Amazing Steve.

Comments

[Sarah]

Jack is really rockin' that "Simon Cowell" look, huh?

[Ann]

Apparently, Jack can push on an already-falling helicopter, but it'll stay up, because it knows that's what he wants.

[JediRacer8]

Cool Explosion #1 for the night

[jobob]

This guy's got a mushroom cloud next to his house and he doesn't know what's going on? Shouldn't he be, like, dead?

[Sam G]

Is it bad that my entire family is laughing right now?

[Suzy Q]

Yeah, kaboom helicopter. NO ONE saw that coming.

[Wes S.]

...Of course, JACK'S cell phone still works; EMP or not...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

What are the odds. Jack's upwind!

[GLow]

Well, this roof is just not OSHA-approved for a copter landing zone.

[mister9a]

seriously - how did jack see that sign?

[Gretchen]

Where's Rena Sofer? I really like her.

[Crash]

Jack's gonna rack up the death count now...

[Sarah]

Was that guy using his TV controller as a phone?

[TandCinKC]

So who'd like to be first to make the President Allstate - I'm President Palmer, and this is a true story - commercial joke?

Hey - it's my buddy! in the roof helicopter... what are the odds?

[Unrealious]

So the new president was grown here or flown in?

[CJrun]

You people are just nuts. I will have to try to catch up later.

[Varjak]

I like how after the helicopter exploded and flames are leaping into the sky three feet from the side of the building, Jack tells them to "Stay here." Because the roof of a burning building is the safest place to be.

[Eponder]

Of COURSE Jack would be upwind. The weather is subordinate to the multi-year contract.

[Unrealious]

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But, but I just want to sell everyone fine Herbalife products

[Jeff]

So for an office of people who are in los angeles, no one calls families to see if they are ok? My parents call if they hear there may be rain in the forcast by me!

[Suzy Q]

Ya know, without the JackSack and the Hoodie of Protection/Invisibility this season, Jack really has to improvise, what with the TV antenna and all. Whatever will he utilize next in his quest? Hair gel?

[Jessica R.]

He didn't know that a nuclear bomb went off because he was too busy watching the traffic around LA, or maybe he is stoned, Dude.

[mister9a]

the bunker looks nicer than the white house.

[Ann]

Well, Suzy, he's got JackScars now...maybe they're protective enough.

[Hammond Rye]

Hoo raw!

[GLow]

Oh yeah, a mushroom for a mushroom!

[Jazzzz]

Their not using windows, that explains a lot

[Jim M]

Oh boy! Military gung ho nuke guy!

[Varjak]

I miss Cheney-Lookin' Guy.

[BillB]

slap that admiral down!

[Cheesewiz]

Admiral Neocon

[Christobol]

Does Jack know the inflatable condom survival trick? Not that it applies right now, but it seems like you might want to have a couple of them inflated, just in case, or to make conversation, or something.

[KDF]

... or you'll go to the principal's office, "Admiral"!

[Eponder]

Oh my God the Admiral is flipping nuts!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Karen got a sunburn on hiatus.

[Noob]

Suzy, as long as it's not the kind of hair gel used in "Something About Mary."

[Paulie]

Did someone say Herbalife?

[mister9a]

ominous silence echoes throughout the room...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh wait, maybe that's my TV.

[jobob]

Since when is LA not heavily populated enough to detonate a nuke?

[Sooska]

Did Karen read The Worst Case Scenario Handbook?

[BillB]

Will this be the end of Valencia oranges? No more marmelade? Oh, the humanity!

[Unrealious]

Is this the original President? I never saw the start of the show.... and I thought he was dead. Did they somehow resurrect him? Is he the brother of the old president and therefore inherits the job?

[KDF]

The Handshake of Doom

[thylus]

Is this a repeat of the cannisters only in breifcases?

[Jeannie]

Where has that hand been?

[Ann]

Mildly Amused Chloe!! That's new...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Did he say: Hold me?

[insomniac]

chloe-smirk!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Don't trust him! He's evil! EEEEEEEEEVVVVVIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!

[L - Sarah L that is]

Okay, so does CTU stand for "Cooperate with Terroristic Units"?

[WayneHere]

went to my local brewpub & they were having a tasting with other guest brewers-I'll do what I can

[Sooska]

To Unrealious: Yes, just like in real life we have an Imperial Presidency!

[Yelwrose]

Feyad is a hottie. Chloe wants him.

[judi]

where the HELL is he keeping sylar?!?

[Ann]

Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road...

[Crash]

Those Commie Pinkos are STILL causing problems.

[Jessica R.]

I really like Dr. Bashir. I hope that he turns out to be a good bad guy.

[Gretchen]

Why do all the Soviets have British accents on 24? It's like a weird throwback to 1940's movies.

Oh, ugh. I hate these ads.

[mister9a]

ctu has the best database in the world. and a pretty sweet foreign name generator/spellcheck thingy.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yes, the source! Talk to the source! It was...Dave Barry! No, REALLY!

[Sooska]

Hi Ann! Greetings from the Burgh-home of Fayed

[Sarah]

They should change half of these commercials to have a yooge explosion (complete with a mushroom cloud) right in the middle, nice and abrubt. It'd be more 24 oriented.

[BostonPaul]

Do we know if Audrey survived?

[Jeannie]

Why are the commercials always so much louder than the show?

[CJrun]

I just opened an entire roasted peanut shell. No obvious flaws. And it was empty! Rip Off!

[Wes S.]

Gretchen, don't most movie Russians have British accents? Case in point: "Enemy at the Gates."

[ChuckE]

Bauer was gone that whole last segment. That must be when they sneak in those elusive bathroom breaks.

[Jim M]

Almost half way through and Jack has not killed anyone yet. Getting nervous about my three or more dead by Jack bet for tonight. He better get into a flurry of shooting. Heck, he hasn't even shot a anything yet.

[BostonPaul]

OK this posting problem is WORSE than last week; now I get typepadded twice.

I'm out.

[JediRacer8]

That must be one long whiz he's taking.

[Hammond Rye]

"I need another horse..."

[GLow]

Wonder how the property values in CA are going to be like after today.

[Ann]

Sorry, Jim, but in an interview the producers said that they were going to "slow things down a bit" for the next few weeks.

So get ready for Major Snoozefest '07.

[Keith]

I still wonder about Curtis.

[Sooska]

24 Executive Producer Gordon said that this week they were going to take a breath and slow the pace.....

[KDF]

"Mind your own beeswax!"

Good one, Chloe!

[Jazzzz]

Chloe runs like a girl

[Jessica R.]

Is that bald guy Edgar's replacement?

[mister9a]

oh no! daddydarthbaur!

[insomniac]

jack... i am your faaather...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack's Dad? HIS DAD?!?

[twiggler]

Jack has a father?!

[Crash]

He's been holding it.

There seem to be more commercial breaks. Hate. It.

CHLOE POUT!

[GLow]

Chloe should so have a threesome with those two men in her life.

[JBismyhomeboy]

We're expecting Donald sometime soon?

[Ann]

Were Chloe and Morris a "purely coincidental linkage" too?

[L - Sarah L that is]

Jack is human? As in he has parents?

[WayneHere]

Chloe-"mind your own business"--is that a drink penalty?

[BillB]

Kim's Grampa is a terrorist!

[Hammond Rye]

Jack has a father... Did he die in the Clone Wars?

[JediRacer8]

A coincidence? On this show?

[Cheesewiz]

jack has a father?

[Sooska]

UH OH Daddy Dearest!

[Elton]

FATHER....

[Gretchen]

I dunno, Glow, if mudslides, earthquakes and fires (annually) don't bring down property values, why would a nuclear blast?

[JBismyhomeboy]

DONALD SUTHERLAND!!!!!!

[Jeannie]

Donald Sutherland does business with the Russian?

[Wes S.]

So Jack now has to what, torture his own dad?

[Yelwrose]

Jack's father a suspect? Sub-plot alert!