24

Here is where we stand:

The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the federal government that it was, once again, after the wrong terrorist leader. This is understandable: in 24 World, the United States has a higher population of terrorist leaders than of squirrels. Jack contacted the president (in 24 World, it is easier to contact the president than to order a pizza) but of course the president, played by Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, did not believe him, because of the mandatory Bad Advice Advisor, played by the weenie from Ally McBeal and Numb3rs. The president now sort of believes Jack, but it May Be Too Late. Also Jack is afraid he might be going soft, because at one point he gave up on torturing a terrorist after stabbing him only once. (!) Also there is a subplot involving President Payton's sister, but it is very boring so far and mainly consists of dialogue from the Wooden Dialogue Generator, which was so active in the first two hours that many of the characters were bleeding from lip splinters. There is a more-promising subplot involving Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, who plays a terrorist stabbed in the thigh by a coffee table. (When coffee tables are outlawed, only terrorists will have coffee tables.)

We are pleased to report that Chloe is still Chloe, and Audrey is nowhere to be seen. We had one perimeter last night, but are hoping for more. Except for ripping out one guy's throat with his teeth and stabbing another guy just the one time and kicking a suicide bomber off a moving subway train and clubbing another guy with a log (possibly dialogue material) Jack has been pretty subdued, but, hey, it's early.

Carry on, people. You too, Steve.

UPDATE: OK, I am at the hotel. Either they're showing a commercial here, or Jack is selling home-theater systems.

UPDATE: OK, does the president ever talk to anybody besides these two people?

UPDATE: Hey, was that a weasel look from Tom? IS TOM THE MOLE? Don't mind me. I just got here.

UPDATE: Jack is going in!

UPDATE: They shot KUMAR!!! Didn't they see his movie, for godsakes?

UPDATE: Seriously, I don't get the feeling I missed anything here. Is that stupid?

UPDATE: It's kind of sad that the guy from "Back to the Future" is making commercials, if you ask me.

UPDATE: NO! NOT CURTIS! I am seriously starting to worry about Chloe.

UPDATE: Apparently, Jack, DOES eat.

UPDATE: OK, let's look on the bright side. This is probably covered by various homeowner insurance policies.

UPDATE: Wow. Big of the president to offer help!

UPDATE: OK, I think we can agree that this is a big step up from the cannister plot.

UPDATE: Hey! Looks like the weird bald scotch-drinking guy is back next week!

Comments

[Wes S.]

RIP Curtis...and meanwhile, at the warehouse...

[wolfie]

What exactly did he puke up? He hasn't eaten in several years by my figuring.

[agro]

What is with the music?

I guess Assad is Jack's new bullet sponge/boyfriend.

[Antonio]

HOLY...

[Suzy Q]

And who shall set your perimeters now, Jack? You just shot the King of Perimeters!

[twentyforgery]

Mushroom cloud over LA! Hard to say if that will lower their air quality, or improve it.

[Hammond Rye]

I think that stuff on Jack's hand is paint. They had him redecorating in China.

[Jessica R.]

Two deaths in the same minute. Making up for lost time, finally.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Next installment: Dr. Phil comes in to counsel Jack.

[jlfintx]

Nuke!

[Silhouette]

Are there extra special double secret bonus points for killing your best friend?

[chase]

rogue nuecelar device is a cover for an even BIGGER terrorist -- those puppet guys i bet

[Jazzzz]

Jack: Shoot "suburb dad first!"

[WayneHere]

Curiis...Preident Palmer...the African-American guy always gets killed early. It's like the red-uniform guy in the landing party on Star Trek.

[BillB]

hey, it's going to end in a nuke explosion

[mark]

NOOOOO! NOT DELTA TEAM! where does it END

[Antonio]

I guess I better cancel my trip to LA for next week...

[Hammond Rye]

nudet!

[SQ]

HamRye: Gold leaf, perhaps?

[Sarah]

And WhiteSuburbanDad is gone.

[wolfie]

Dang!

[jlfintx]

Who let the nukes out?

[ChuckE]

So I guess the Lakers game is postponed now?

[agro]

OMG THE WORLD IS FLAMES IT IS OVER!

[ASK]

Whoa. At least Jack was ducking and covering.

[Bill]

Curts got out just in time.

[swo]

I hope my aunt is okay.

[CJrun]

So much for Valencia oranges!

[Silhouette]

Gee, you mean yelling "No" at something doesn't help?

[JBismyhomeboy]

any desks from the cold war to hide under?

[jobob]

There goes the Golden Globes.

[kimgirl]

you are a BAD president...jack will SO need therapy now

[slyeyes]

I hate when that happens.

[Jessica R.]

they nuked Valencia! and Jack puked in LA!

[Nebbisk]

Ouch.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

OMG!

[Jessica R.]

they nuked Valencia! and Jack puked in LA!

[agro]

At least LA will be safe for awhile.

[Sarah]

I feel like I'm watching Lord of the Rings with this music.

[Cheesewiz]

Do not worry, FEMA is on the way.

[JBismyhomeboy]

maybe Audrey was within range...

[Antonio]

Now how is CTU going to get support for their apple computers?

[Suzy Q]

Oh, holy fcuck!

Goodbye, Los Angeles.

(Bye, David!)

[JBismyhomeboy]

maybe Audrey was within range...

[Glow]

Well we know Jack is immuned to atomic fallout. he didn\'t even go too bald!

[WayneHere]

President Wayne wet himself. I hope they didn't hit Edgar's Mom's neighborhood.

[Bill]

Uh, President Payton, LA KNOWS its been nuked

[Jazzzz]

Did it kill suburb dad? they're like cockroachs

[Sarah]

Gee, you mean yelling "No" at something doesn't help?

Not unless you're Dora The Explorer ("Swiper No Swiping!")

[FleaBailey]

Well, it's not like Jack hasn't seen one of those before. I guess he's so upset because he's figured out that the only reason the nuke went off is because he resigned.

[Wes S.]

"Damnit! I TOLD you to set up a bigger perimeter!"

[BillB]

I called it! I called the nuke!
What's my prize?

[slyeyes]

How will the Jack Bauer Kill Count website calculate THAT?

[gville612]

"support for their apple computers"

No problem - Apple's near San Francisco. ;)

[BucFan600]

BillB -- your prize = all expense paid trip to LA

[Silhouette]

Now you just gone and done made Jack mad.

[jlfintx]

BillB

Uh, look five or so posts up from that!

[Suzy Q]

I second that maybe Awdrey got caught up in the conflagration, for the benefit of all mankind. Or at least, 24 watchers.

Whatever will President Wood do now? Nothing? Well yes, that would be appropriate.

[24 JERK]

Finally... there've been so many of these suckers, the bad guys were bound to get one off eventually.

[chase]

so......1 down 4 to go....what would be an acceptable capture rate over the next 20 hours.........2 in 5?????

[Jessica R.]

Bot is killing me. I will look into "proxy server" for next week.

[Jazzzz]

hopefully, it killed the bot

[Nathaniel]

WHY DID THEY NOT SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION IMMEDIATELY FOR CURTIS????????????????? Seriously, unfortunately I heard it was coming, but seriously, I was hoping for something more non-fatal.

Best living recurring character now goes to Aaron Pierce, who we know will come in mid-season to go against orders for the better good of the country.

[Antonio]

Oh no. American Idol starts again. Damn.

[WayneHere]

sanrk @ sly eyes---Hell-snork @ all y'all. This was a blast (groan)

[BostonPaul]

President Payton: "all the country's resources are available to you"

Oh, well, that's OK then.

Thank gawd it wasn't Cleveland

[debby]

Maybe President Wood is French - he keeps surrendering to anyone who asks.

[Glow]

Well, that sucked. All those people DIED FOR NOTHING!

[Christobol]

Dave,

Far be it from me to start anything that might threaten the band and all, but as I understand it, Stephen King got the first 4 episodes of this season a while ago, has already watched them, and written a review for EW.

I guess he probably burned you a copy and you're just pretending you haven't already seen this, because otherwise, I mean, WTFBBQ?

[ChuckE]

The airport lounge gang is back next week!

[Jazzzz]

nope

[Momanon]

Hey, the illuminati guys are back!

[FleaBailey]

Heeeeeeyyyy! Rocket Romano's back!

[slyeyes]

The return of BLUE TOOTH MAN!!!

[Sozu Q]

Ooo! Dr. Romano is back next week! He knows how to kick some ass! Maybe he'll overthrow Prez Wood.

[Wes S.]

That's all it took to snap Jack out of his funk? Just one itty-bitty tactical nuke?

Well, OK then. It's worth losing Valencia for that.

[Chuck]

Hey it's bluetooth guy!

[Silhouette]

And Jack didn't even warn Kim to get out of Los Angeles.

[ArcticAl]

The stupid Canadian station didn't show the preview! What happens next week!?!?!?!

[Nebbisk]

It occurs to me that it's a good think we're all seeing this in Eastern time. That gives us three hours to warn the doomed folks in the real Valencia so they can hightail it outta town.

[Bill]

Poor Curtis.

D*** procrastinating terrorists! They pop that nuke 30 seconds sooner and Curtis is still in the game.

[Wes S.]

"And Jack didn't even warn Kim to get out of Los Angeles."

S'okay. She's harder to kill than a cockroach. If she was actually in Valencia when the bomb went off...the roaches and Kim are the only things left alive.

And probably at least one mountain lion, which will be chasing her out of the fallout zone...

[WayneHere]

This blogging during a 2 hour BauerPowerHour was rough. This rookie can't type that fast or that accurately. But fun as hell, and thanks for making us rookies feel welcome. Dave, I've been reading you for decades, saw and met you a couple times at conventions & corporate speaking events. Glad I finally signed in. Stay well, folks.

[Glow]

I think, what Jack needs, is his JACKSACK(TM) back. He would have stopped the bomb with his special JACKBERRY if he had that sack.

I\'m still crying over Curtis. I\'m still hoping it was just a flesh wound and he would heal, like, in a couple of hours.

And I\'m breathing a sigh of relief that Fayed and his men weren\'t hiding in Gainsville, FL. We\'re still partying Gators, you know. We wouldn\'t have noticed a mushroom cloud.

[Jessica R.]

g'night all. I'm tired of fighting the 'bot. When I comment on Firefox I never have a problem with the 'bot.

[Pak]

I just had to tell all of you about a segment the local station here in Detroit is using. They had to use Jack Bauer and his "stress level" to lead into their newscast for a health segment. Listen Fox 2 Detroit Jack Bauer does not get stressed he gets revenge

[DUCKofDEATH]

Well, that's neat as neat. Bluetooth hired the terrorists to set off nukes so we'll have an excuse to nuke the islamic world. Might have worked with Prez Handbag, but all Payton's gonna do is surrender.

[Jazzzz]

Mayhem, ArticAl....M-A-Y-H-E-M!!!

[slyeyes]

I'm commenting with Firefox and still get the 'bot.

[Will (The Blog Kid)]

Why Curtis????
Curtis was a great man. I would have much rather have Curtis just kill the terrrorist, and sacrifice probably lots of civilian deaths, than have Jack shoot this beloved character. My brother and myself were screaming bloody murder when Curtis, an American Hero, was shot in the neck. (Note: Not the thigh...)Curtis will be greatly missed, and I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for my ex-favorite character--JACK BAUER.

He is a murderer and a betrayer--WHY JACK!!! WHY!!!
:-(

[Dave]

Wayne, you are welcome here. Accurate typing is nto imprtortnt.

[Christobol]

*passes around the friendly bottle of weird bald-scotch*

[Christobol]

*which you're going to want to hit pretty hard before we get to the weird balled scotch*

[slyeyes]

Bald-scotch does not work well when you need the hair of the dog that bit you.
*
*
*
*
I just confused myself.

[WayneHere]

Thank you, Dave. There's thousands of us lurkers & readers for every one of us who finally get to meet or blog with you. Givin folks a laugh is more important than ever.

[Jazzzz]

C-bol....now THAT was funny!

[Jessica R.]

slyeyes, We must look like spammers tonight. I think that will be my costume next Halloween.

I decided to wait a bit for Steve's summary.

[Will (The Blog Kid)]

MY FINAL TRIBUTE to Curtis

"'ALL TEAMS,' Agent Manning is down, he's been killed, and Hollywood is up in poison gas and flames. Run for your own lives!!!"

[CJrun]

Well, that was fun! Night all.

[Glow]

I think this day\'s terrorists are smarter than last day\'s bunch of mixed international terrorists. They didn\'t use any unbreakable coffee canisters!

Sitting back now and waiting for Steve\'s summary to make sense of it all.