24

Here is where we stand:

The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the federal government that it was, once again, after the wrong terrorist leader. This is understandable: in 24 World, the United States has a higher population of terrorist leaders than of squirrels. Jack contacted the president (in 24 World, it is easier to contact the president than to order a pizza) but of course the president, played by Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, did not believe him, because of the mandatory Bad Advice Advisor, played by the weenie from Ally McBeal and Numb3rs. The president now sort of believes Jack, but it May Be Too Late. Also Jack is afraid he might be going soft, because at one point he gave up on torturing a terrorist after stabbing him only once. (!) Also there is a subplot involving President Payton's sister, but it is very boring so far and mainly consists of dialogue from the Wooden Dialogue Generator, which was so active in the first two hours that many of the characters were bleeding from lip splinters. There is a more-promising subplot involving Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, who plays a terrorist stabbed in the thigh by a coffee table. (When coffee tables are outlawed, only terrorists will have coffee tables.)

We are pleased to report that Chloe is still Chloe, and Audrey is nowhere to be seen. We had one perimeter last night, but are hoping for more. Except for ripping out one guy's throat with his teeth and stabbing another guy just the one time and kicking a suicide bomber off a moving subway train and clubbing another guy with a log (possibly dialogue material) Jack has been pretty subdued, but, hey, it's early.

Carry on, people. You too, Steve.

UPDATE: OK, I am at the hotel. Either they're showing a commercial here, or Jack is selling home-theater systems.

UPDATE: OK, does the president ever talk to anybody besides these two people?

UPDATE: Hey, was that a weasel look from Tom? IS TOM THE MOLE? Don't mind me. I just got here.

UPDATE: Jack is going in!

UPDATE: They shot KUMAR!!! Didn't they see his movie, for godsakes?

UPDATE: Seriously, I don't get the feeling I missed anything here. Is that stupid?

UPDATE: It's kind of sad that the guy from "Back to the Future" is making commercials, if you ask me.

UPDATE: NO! NOT CURTIS! I am seriously starting to worry about Chloe.

UPDATE: Apparently, Jack, DOES eat.

UPDATE: OK, let's look on the bright side. This is probably covered by various homeowner insurance policies.

UPDATE: Wow. Big of the president to offer help!

UPDATE: OK, I think we can agree that this is a big step up from the cannister plot.

UPDATE: Hey! Looks like the weird bald scotch-drinking guy is back next week!

Comments

[chase]

wow the premier is on DVD faster then jack can catch terrorists!

[FleaBailey]

dundee--it's Mrs. Frank Black from Millennium.

[Jessica R.]

ACTION! WE WANT ACTION!

[ArcticAl]

Jack to the rescue!

[ASK]

well, President Payton DOES keep saying that it is going to get worse - so far, he's right.

[Bill]

Wayne is a great President. He ignores ALL his advisors ALL the time.

[Timl]

walid is gonna be a hero and that rights abusing ally mcbeal puff ball is gonna attempt a day five and use the attacks to develop his own short guy need for power, control and ...rightousness

[sj]

Wait, shouldn't numb3rs guy be in a space station somewhere?

[Wes S.]

"Ackmed's lost so much blood and is half stoned on painkillers, I'm amazed he can correctly pronounce his own name anymore."

"Understood, I will kill my hostage. As soon as I figure out which of the three or four hostages I'm seeing is the actual hostage..."

[ChuckE]

Considering the President hasn't done a thing right yet today, he's smart not to like this.

[Sarah]

Look out AAAHK-med, Jacula is on his way!

[Sooska]

well Tom I don't like it either!!!!

[FleaBailey]

"It is imperative we take the suspect alive."

Kumar is toast.

[WayneHere]

Is there a "Mrs" President Payton? Just asking.

[chase]

save the cheerleader...save the world - damn wrong show

[Jazzzz]

Hang him 'til his head pops off

[Glow]

Jack vs Ah Med (who needs meds)

[ASK]

Hey Dave finally did some updates - great - for a while I was actually watching the show.

[pjaykc]

uh-oh, Prez appreciates whatsis' loyalty. That's a dead giveaway that he's up to something.

[slyeyes]

take the suspect alive; a suspect who has downed a bottle of pills and is bleeding all over the divan.

[Bill]

Oh ... and uh ... Jack ... we changed the tactical entry techniques while you were in Chi.... Ooops. Sorry about that.

[dundee]

FleaBailey - thanks so much!!! We would have whirred all night!!

[Paulie]

Jeez, is it just me or did Jack recover very nicely in 4 hours? And I can't even shake a cold, for cry-eye!

[Jazzzz]

Dave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Jack SAVE HIM NOW!

[Suzy Q]

What is with all of this TALKING? I want some ACTION!!! And blood!

Achmed/Kumar doesn't look so good anymore. And, I believe he might be going a bit soft. *waiting, waiting...*

"Visual!" *does shot*

[Jodi]

The kid could hit him in the thigh and he would drop like a stone. What bad writing.

[ASK]

shove a knife in his knee - he'll remember the address

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

DAVE YAY DAVE!!!

[WayneHere]

Damn--he never got to use the butter knife

[homeybeef]

I may be a bit late on this, but Jack did a great job cutting his own hair.

[Sarah]

Please don't save the dad - he might reproduce, and have another wimpy kid.

[WayneHere]

A "we'll do everything we can" empty promise from Jack. Drink penalty!!!

[Jessica R.]

Woohoo! violence! the kid keeps calm better than the trained agents. He remembered an address, and he didn't wet his pants!

[ArcticAl]

Yay! Dave is here! Hi Dad. Us kids have been playing real nice whileyou were gone.

[pjaykc]

Actually, BostonPaul, he had already recovered last night. As soon as he cleaned up and shaved and put on that shirt, he quit bleeding.

[Jazzzz]

How many times can we say "we'll do everything we can"??

[Wes S.]

"Uh, Curtis? When you get to 355 Old Mill Road, Valencia? Where they're building their nuke? When you set up your circumference-"

"Circumference, Jack?"

"OK, perimeter. When you set up your perimeter...you'd better make it a biiiiiig one..."

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Well, I give up trying to post here tonight. Stupid spam robot has blocked my IP, and I can't do this over my company's VPN connection. :(

I HATE TYPEPAD!

G'night all :(

[kimgirl]

did the kid screw up the numbers on the address a little? does anyone know? they're gonna perimeter the wrong building

[FleaBailey]

No problem dundee. I only recognized her because she was one of the most annoying characters I'd seen, and she's just as annoying here.

[Suzy Q]

Sarah, if anyone needed a surgical alternative to procreation, WhiteSuburbDad is it. I volunteer to fix him!

[Jessica R.]

Welcome back, Dave. You missed NOTHING. Nothing happened, and you missed it.

[Glow]

Dave, typepad is thinking I\'m a spammer. I can\'t post unless I go through an anonymous-making website. :-( I hope you can help unblock moi.

So I think they\'re going to put Kumar with Berooz and they can be boy gangstas.

[twentyforgery]

JACK SHOT CURTIS !!!

[sj]

On another note, Audrey must be bummed. Jack spends two years in China, and not even a lousy t-shirt.

By the way, we're breaking out the serious liquor if we ever see Jack have a bite to eat.

[Tony Rosen]

"UPDATE: Seriously, I don't get the feeling I missed anything here. Is that stupid?"

Dave, it's only been an hour .. not like a whole WEEK.

[Bill]

For a guy who was stabbed in the leg with a coffee table Kumar was pretty nimble.

Well, he was before he got shot.

[ASK]

Right, Dave - they must have heard you were gonna miss the first 90 minutes, so they made sure nothing happened.

Just like when they heard I was gonna miss last season...

[Paulie]

Now that I think about it, so far Jack has been killed at least twice and revived, strung out on heroin once, beat to a bloody pulp for 20 months, and all he needs is a shower and a shave?
Awesome!

[CJrun]

several LBFF *snorks*

[twentyforgery]

Jack is distraught. How long will it take him to get over it? At least 5 minutes, I bet.

[Tony Rosen]

However, apparently LA's traffic isn't NEAR as bad as I thought it was. These guys can drive all the way across town in 10 minutes.

[E-Rich]

My local news (Toledo) just ran an ad for their 10pm show, promising a story about the fact that not everyone is a fan of 24. I refuse to believe this...

[Bill]

Yeah, that'll go over great. Brief the Tac teams they're about to get nuked.

[Suzy Q]

Ok, they've got less than 20 minuts to make. my. day. with some freakin' bloodshed and mayhem! Is that asking too much?

[pjaykc]

oh, good--Walid is a good guy!

[Jazzzz]

I'm going to kill her

[Hammond Rye]

What was that about hamsters?

[Nebbisk]

Whuzzat, "The Hamster is Ray Liota?"

[agro]

He doesn't know Arabic and he is the president of League of Arab Gentlemen?

[Dundee]

klaatu barada nikto

[Jessica R.]

Dr. Bashir is a dead man. He's going with Curtis ti CTU.

[Wes S.]

Oh Gawd - Assad got a Nina Myers pardon deal?!

[sj]

flare the nostrils Curtis! Flare the nostrils!

[Sarah]

By the way, we're breaking out the serious liquor if we ever see Jack have a bite to eat.

He already had a bite to eat - last night. Looks like you're too late.

[Suzy Q]

"I wanted to talk to you before I was executed, but I didn't think it would be this soon." BWAHAHAHAHAH!!

[FleaBailey]

What is up with Jack's hand?

[Bill]

Is he alright?

Sure. He's inside the nuke perimeter ... er ... circumference.

[pjaykc]

uh-oh!

[agro]

What HASN'T Curtis done?

[Christobol]

Dave, doesn't the fact that he's "The guy from Back to the Future" and not "Christopher Lloyd" pretty much tell you why he's making commercials?

[Glow]

Tropichunt guy, you have to go through a proxy server. Email me if you have problems at home.

[sj]

I meant non-human flesh. Like a cheeseburger or something.

[swo]

Uh, Dave. We're flipping over to the Golden Globes during commercials.

[Waffles]

OMG Why didnt Will Stronghold use his super powers on Kumar? That idiot!

((the kid playing the son character was the super hero Will Stronghold in Sky High))

[Bill]

Sheesh. After that Jack is gonna behead him for Curtis

[Suzy Q]

Ruh, roh. Curtis is MIA!

[WayneHere]

Rut-Row!!!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Thanks CJ

Couldn't he have shot him in the thigh???

[Tony Rosen]

That explains the "guest star" :)

[Elton]

What is he throwing up? He never even ate....

[chase]

OMG they killed kenny....i mean curtis

[wolfie]

that was not in the thigh.

i feel cheated. sorta. but the good splatter might make up for it.

[Sarah]

Goodness, Jack - You never make eye contact with someone after you shoot them!

[Suzy Q]

RIP, BlackJack.

[slyeyes]

That SOOOO did not happen!!

*
*
*

I guess it did.

[Wes S.]

Oh no. Another Jack Bauer emotional crisis moment coming up...

[JBismyhomeboy]

uhhhh....

[Jazzzz]

DAYAM!!

[JBismyhomeboy]

uhhhh....

[agro]

"By order of President of United States"?

Like that has every stop anyone.

OMG NOOOT CURTIS HELP CURTIS PLEASE GOD.

[insomniac]

jack-yak!

[ChuckE]

Wow.

There will be other perimeters, someday...but never any like Curtis'.

[Glow]

OMG CURTIS!!!!! Black Jack!

[kimgirl]

treehugger!

[BillB]

sorry curtis, when your contract is up, it's allll over.

[Bill]

All that as a GS-12.

[JBismyhomeboy]

Jack needs to get a one way ticket to Fiji.

[Jodi]

Curtis had no problems giving Jack to the terrorists, so ....