24

Here is where we stand:

The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the federal government that it was, once again, after the wrong terrorist leader. This is understandable: in 24 World, the United States has a higher population of terrorist leaders than of squirrels. Jack contacted the president (in 24 World, it is easier to contact the president than to order a pizza) but of course the president, played by Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, did not believe him, because of the mandatory Bad Advice Advisor, played by the weenie from Ally McBeal and Numb3rs. The president now sort of believes Jack, but it May Be Too Late. Also Jack is afraid he might be going soft, because at one point he gave up on torturing a terrorist after stabbing him only once. (!) Also there is a subplot involving President Payton's sister, but it is very boring so far and mainly consists of dialogue from the Wooden Dialogue Generator, which was so active in the first two hours that many of the characters were bleeding from lip splinters. There is a more-promising subplot involving Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, who plays a terrorist stabbed in the thigh by a coffee table. (When coffee tables are outlawed, only terrorists will have coffee tables.)

We are pleased to report that Chloe is still Chloe, and Audrey is nowhere to be seen. We had one perimeter last night, but are hoping for more. Except for ripping out one guy's throat with his teeth and stabbing another guy just the one time and kicking a suicide bomber off a moving subway train and clubbing another guy with a log (possibly dialogue material) Jack has been pretty subdued, but, hey, it's early.

Carry on, people. You too, Steve.

UPDATE: OK, I am at the hotel. Either they're showing a commercial here, or Jack is selling home-theater systems.

UPDATE: OK, does the president ever talk to anybody besides these two people?

UPDATE: Hey, was that a weasel look from Tom? IS TOM THE MOLE? Don't mind me. I just got here.

UPDATE: Jack is going in!

UPDATE: They shot KUMAR!!! Didn't they see his movie, for godsakes?

UPDATE: Seriously, I don't get the feeling I missed anything here. Is that stupid?

UPDATE: It's kind of sad that the guy from "Back to the Future" is making commercials, if you ask me.

UPDATE: NO! NOT CURTIS! I am seriously starting to worry about Chloe.

UPDATE: Apparently, Jack, DOES eat.

UPDATE: OK, let's look on the bright side. This is probably covered by various homeowner insurance policies.

UPDATE: Wow. Big of the president to offer help!

UPDATE: OK, I think we can agree that this is a big step up from the cannister plot.

UPDATE: Hey! Looks like the weird bald scotch-drinking guy is back next week!

Comments

[Suzy Q]

Lisa: I don't know. Are you now on the proxy I sent you?

*snork* at Jodi for "Here plot!"

[BillB]

Insidious VISA brainwashing - cash is faster.

[Isabel]

debby - Allstate Jr is just useless. Period. No matter where he goes, he causes problems for everyone.

[Jazzzz]

Jack needs to stop for Chinese take out.....get fired up. None of this "I'm not up to it" crap.

[Jessica R.]

Since when do terrorists need a reason to do anything? Isn't that like the definition of terrorize?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*waves to C-bol* Didn't see ya there at first, what with wrestling with the s-e-r-v-e-r and all.

Glad to see you back ASK!

[Witchiecoo]

Just click on my name to see Shaun Majumder's alter-ego, and hockey commentator, Raj Binder :)

[MaryContrary]

Mother knows best!

[slyeyes]

Where's Dave? Did the terrorists get Dave?

[Wes S.]

"Umm, is it just me? You pay $50K at the pawn shop and get a real big gun and go back and blow Kumar away through the window - dude is just sittin' there."

Doesn't CA have a two-week waiting period on gun sales? Otherwise, that would be a good idea...

[BucFan600]

They should get Patricia Arquette from Medium to guest star -- she could channel big brother David.

[vomax]

If Suburban Family watched 24 they'd know there's no way the terrorists would let them live once they know the location of the safe house...

[Suzy Q]

Maybe he's setting up a perimeter, sly. Can't be too careful (or too beer-ful), ya know!

[ArcticAl]

Chloe is the centre of a love triangle!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

SuzyQ-No, I'm back on the one I sent you. *goes to check e-mail from Suzy*

And where is Siouxie???

Uh oh. Show's back.

A run down on the dating situation! That's so funny!

[wolfie]

Oooo slap um down Chloe!
or make um whip it out and see whose is bigger.

[SJ]

If it was anyone but Chloe, this bizarre love triangle would make absolutely no sense.

[slyeyes]

Oh. Puleeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze!!!

The world is in danger! Quit the love triangle bullsh!t!

Chloe, just tazer them both.

[Suzy Q]

Brokeback Agent moment!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Damn robot! It's acting up and preventing me from posting...

Nuke on Wilshire Blvd.?

XXX tapes with Chloe!! JACK, CHANGE YOUR PRIORITIES!

[Larry]

Next season on 24... Chloe is running CTU

[Kristy]

"But there may be lingering jealousy over any films you MADE together..."

[Nebbisk]

Ha ha ha now I see why we all love Chloe!

[Nebbisk]

Ha ha ha now I see why we all love Chloe!

[jobob]

Wow. Call 911 in LA, say you've got a terrorist in your living room, and they hook you up to Jack Bauer. I'm impressed.

[Eponder]

"Jack Bauer! I've always wanted to meet you!"

[Jodi]

Can't we get the old sulky Chloe back. I hate her dating those guys, she deserves better, like Jack, he is so blind.

[snif]

Regarding biting that guy's throat out...isn't that the same footage from The Lost Boys? Hmmmm... suspicious...

[debby]

Nice to think national security depends on these testosterone poisoned idiots.

[kimgirl]

they SO need more women at CTU...the pickings are slim

[Jazzzz]

Jack's closest? ....No way!!!!

[WayneHere]

So where's the great clam treats from last night? Is that an opening night thing? Oh well. Pass around my Hickory Farms beefstick(TM Thingie) & cookie dough ice cream.

[Suzy Q]

Snoooore!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Someone in that room needs a manicure.

Ambassador looks like Kumar's dad.

[pjaykc]

we're going to trust the ambassador?

[Jessica R.]

This is a Star Trek episode. Jack, you are the closest agent in this sector!

[mm]

Imagine that - Jack's right after all!

[sj]

Meaningful silent moment...then call Jack Bauer -- that's worth at least two shots.

[Christobol]

BillB - cash isn't faster, because of all the change counting. Unless you're considering the opening of the statement, writing a check, stuffing the envelope, mailing, and all that.

But that assumes you're silly enough to use your own VISA.

Does Jack get a VISA?

And shouldn't Bruce Willis make a cameo appearance this season to promote Die Harder 17, or whatever they're up to?

[Larry]

OH NO! There might not be another season of 24!

[Jazzzz]

here, Waynehere ™

[ChuckE]

"I now pronounce you President and terrorist."

[debby]

OK - I really like that guy when he's on Numb3rs, but he's irritating the piss out of me on this.

[WayneHere]

Damn-I said "passing around my beefstick" Thats just wrong. Apologies!

[FleaBailey]

Love Curtis' hairy eyeball.

[sj]

wwjbd -- what would jack bauer do?

[slyeyes]

Curtis has adopted the ChloeFrown (tm thingie)

[Bill]

See the pardon in writing?!? Was that not a plot device from last season?

[Suzy Q]

Did someone say BeefStick?

Oh, COME ON, President Wood! DO something! SAY something! Fart even! Yish.

[Wes S.]

How is caving in to terrorists a "tough call" for Wayne Palmer? He's been doing that repeatedly for three and a half hours now...

[kimgirl]

wow, that ally mcbeal guy is a DICK

[debby]

I hate this whiny bitch

[jobob]

this is like the worst background music ... and Weenie needs to be suitcase nuked. Now. For the good of 24.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*snork* @ Kristy

How'd she get out of jail?

[Paulie]

Oh, puh-leez, Sandra.

Time for a cavity search.

[pjaykc]

I think Walid is playing President's sister.

[Tony Rosen]

Well, Alie McBeal Boy is the first character I can live without this season.

[Bill]

That woman has way, way too much 'tude. Taser her.

[SQ]

Which whiny bitch, debby? They're ALl whiny bitches tonight.

[pjaykc]

oops, no, I think he just figured out who the bad guys are.

[chase]

AHKmed you idiot

[Jazzzz]

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL HER??

[Larry]

That "Detention Center" is my old high school...

[Bill]

UPS Dad is soooooooo dead

[slyeyes]

Ack-med! Ack-med! Get it right fercryingoutloud!!!

[Sooska]

Dad may have bought the farm for free now too...he mispronounced

[Jodi]

Wuss dad didn't think he would be killed or his son!

[pjaykc]

He also told him he was insane. I don't think that was a good idea.

[swo]

Please!?!?!?! Yeah, that's the magic word.

[Timl]

yeah bill of rights defending whiny b - who needs her?!...oh theyre such bothers! call cheney he'll taser her for ya!

[Suzy Q]

Oh, good. They have a trigger. Maybe sometime in the next several months they will detonate something.

In the meantime, the least they could do for us is to kill WhiteSuburbDad. In a horrible way, of course.

[ArcticAl]

"Meet me at the safe house." I hope that it is underground and has an airfiltration system,

[Jessica R.]

Sheesh! There isn't even anything to make snarky comments about!

[slyeyes]

uh oh.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

DON'T DO IT!!!

[FleaBailey]

Time for Jack To The Rescue!

[Jodi]

KIll the boy, is this a surprise to anyone except the dad???

[chase]

wait...wasnt "kill the girlfriend" used before with the "son of terrorist"????

[Paulie]

See what happens when the Dems run Congress?

[pjaykc]

I think ACKmed is going to pass out before he can kill the kid.

[ASK]

Sure, you can buy a nuclear detonator without a waiting period, but not a handgun...

[Tony Rosen]

Hey, Fayed ... VP Cheney would like to take you hunting ... Senator Kennedy says he'll give you a lift to the spot by the lake.

[Suzy Q]

Is anyone watching the Golden Globes? *dodges thigh bullets*

Did Jack win?

[debby]

Suzy, is the President Wood thing leftover from btvs?

[Wes S.]

Unfortunately, BostonPaul, we've got a Democrat in the White House here in 24-land...

[FleaBailey]

It's "Aaaahck-med" not "Ack-med" you fools. He will kill you ALL!

[Waffles]

Yeah, damn democrats and thier peace mongering!

[Jazzzz]

Suburb dad is why they hate America

[chase]

where is Mike N. when you need him

[jobob]

pjayck, you're right: Ackmed's lost so much blood and is half stoned on painkillers, I'm amazed he can correctly pronounce his own name anymore.

[homeybeef]

This is coming off as something of a remake of season 4. We have terror boy, a head terror guy with 79,862 plans. Can anyone else think of anything else?

[kimgirl]

ugly betty beats the office--has the world gone MAD?!

[dundee]

Who is the actor playing the wife please?

[Glow]

Whew. Typepad has been blocking me! I can see you guys but can\'t comment! I have been in a devastated state of mine for almost four Jack hours!

[swo]

Suburb dad is a naive democrat. Oh, wait, that was redundant.

[BucFan600]

If he mispronounces his own name, he should kill himself!

[Paulie]

My point exactly.

Release the hounds, say I.

[Suzy Q]

debby, I don't know what btvs is, so no. I just made it up tonight. Will I have to pay royalties to someone? Because I won't.

[pjaykc]

sorry--AHHHK-med. Now can I live?

[sj]

Achmed, before Jack gets you, the president wants to talk to you.