24

Here is where we stand:

The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the federal government that it was, once again, after the wrong terrorist leader. This is understandable: in 24 World, the United States has a higher population of terrorist leaders than of squirrels. Jack contacted the president (in 24 World, it is easier to contact the president than to order a pizza) but of course the president, played by Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, did not believe him, because of the mandatory Bad Advice Advisor, played by the weenie from Ally McBeal and Numb3rs. The president now sort of believes Jack, but it May Be Too Late. Also Jack is afraid he might be going soft, because at one point he gave up on torturing a terrorist after stabbing him only once. (!) Also there is a subplot involving President Payton's sister, but it is very boring so far and mainly consists of dialogue from the Wooden Dialogue Generator, which was so active in the first two hours that many of the characters were bleeding from lip splinters. There is a more-promising subplot involving Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, who plays a terrorist stabbed in the thigh by a coffee table. (When coffee tables are outlawed, only terrorists will have coffee tables.)

We are pleased to report that Chloe is still Chloe, and Audrey is nowhere to be seen. We had one perimeter last night, but are hoping for more. Except for ripping out one guy's throat with his teeth and stabbing another guy just the one time and kicking a suicide bomber off a moving subway train and clubbing another guy with a log (possibly dialogue material) Jack has been pretty subdued, but, hey, it's early.

Carry on, people. You too, Steve.

UPDATE: OK, I am at the hotel. Either they're showing a commercial here, or Jack is selling home-theater systems.

UPDATE: OK, does the president ever talk to anybody besides these two people?

UPDATE: Hey, was that a weasel look from Tom? IS TOM THE MOLE? Don't mind me. I just got here.

UPDATE: Jack is going in!

UPDATE: They shot KUMAR!!! Didn't they see his movie, for godsakes?

UPDATE: Seriously, I don't get the feeling I missed anything here. Is that stupid?

UPDATE: It's kind of sad that the guy from "Back to the Future" is making commercials, if you ask me.

UPDATE: NO! NOT CURTIS! I am seriously starting to worry about Chloe.

UPDATE: Apparently, Jack, DOES eat.

UPDATE: OK, let's look on the bright side. This is probably covered by various homeowner insurance policies.

UPDATE: Wow. Big of the president to offer help!

UPDATE: OK, I think we can agree that this is a big step up from the cannister plot.

UPDATE: Hey! Looks like the weird bald scotch-drinking guy is back next week!

Comments

[Larry]

Now I've seen it all! SHEIKS ON A PLANE!!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR! x2!

[Suzy Q]

More Viewer Discretion? Surely they jest!

[BillB]

yeah, everyone shoot at the ammunition. Good thinking

[Edgar Greenberg]

I'm still hoping for Edgar's return...

Posted by: Hammond Rye | 07:59 PM on January 15, 2007

Wait No longer.

[KDF]

*snork* at LBFF

[Cheesewiz]

and why do we need to see scenes from the show we just watched?

[vomax]

Hmmm. lets watch what happened as recently as 4 minutes ago...

[Nebbisk]

Okay about 15 mins ago I started to watch 24 for the VERY FIRST TIME. It was either that or listen to the wife chatter away while trying to catch a glimpse of some young actress's Golden Globes. Anyway... So here I am, ignoring the "viewer discretion advised" warning, very likely getting addicted to yet another time sink.

Have I mentioned that I hate you people?

[debby]

Assad is kinda cute, and he's not bald.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I can't believe they didn't give Kumar knock-out drops.

[Isabel]

ASK - Interesting catch. Plus she had that little Arabic moment there -- not to be politically incorrect xD but I can see it.

[Sarah]

They act like we didn't just watch the episode, or something.

"How can we eat up some time, outside of having a commercial break every five minutes?" "Oh, I know! We'll tell them what just happened 2 minutes ago!"

[ASK]

Yes, we already know taht nothing has happened so far...

[swo]

Whatever would we do without these scenes from previous episodes. Get ready for another 42 minutes of 24.

[Dom Casual]

They jest not . . . and quit calling me Shirley!

[Suzy Q]

What would Prez Wood do if be could? Move, that is. Or do freakin' ANYTHING!

[Hammond Rye]

Ummm, Edgar, thanks ...

[BucFan600]

*I can't believe they didn't give Kumar knock-out drops.*

...or rat poison.

[Isabel]

Bill's getting testyyyyy

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I bet that army guy is a lip model in real life. *just sayin'*

[ChuckE]

Angry Bill! And frankly, with good reason.

[Sooska]

BILL IS RIGHT !! BETTER!! FASTER!!

[debby]

Aren't Tony and Edgar going to come back from the dead?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Bill's looooooooosing it! Loooooooooooooosing it!

[Witchiecoo]

NO! Shaun Majumder as the really, really bad guy???!!!

What a turn of events! What a way to start my 24-addiction!

[Isabel]

Snark @ Lisa & BucFan

[Renee (the First)]

SNORK at KDF, a little late.

And psst, Nebbisk . . . you don't have to actually, you know, WATCH the show to participate in the fun and games here. I've never seen an episode in my life.

[Suzy Q]

I have it on good authority that something actually happens this hour. But I won't believe it until I see it. Nor should you. Carry on!

[wolfie]

Chloe has assigned me a task.. talk to the hand...

[BucFan600]

Morris: "hang on a minute -- I'm making dinner reservations!"

[WayneHere]

Bill's gettin testy without his Karenpoo

[debby]

Can I just say the Chloe has horrible taste in men?

[Isabel]

Snork.

My typo. Silly typo -_-"

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Morris is blogging the show and doesn't want to be interrupted.

[swo]

If Milo isn't a terrorist mole, I'll eat what's-her-name.

[Isabel]

Snork.

My typo. Silly typo -_-"

[Cheesewiz]

partition the grid. Isn't that a parimeter?

[ChuckE]

Wrong time for Minesweeper, Morris.

[ArcticAl]

Nice motivational speech Bill!

[twentyforgery]

"Get me Jack Bauer". First sensible thing President HalfState as said all day.

[ASK]

oh, and there is a good reason for all the bald guys - we're sexy.

Just thought I'd point that out, in case anyone didn't realize...

[Suzy Q]

Oh, hell yes! Rogue nuclear weapons!!! Not just regular nuclear weapons, oh no!

[Jazzzz]

a kilo-ton can kill a ton ..get it? huh? get it?

[SJ]

Am I the only person who hasn't talked to the president yet?

[WayneHere]

"get me Jack Bauer" shot penalty

[Isabel]

Hundreds of thousands of casualties? ... Guess it's time to trust Jack Bauer again.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Nobody asks for 007 anymore...it's always "get me jack bauer this", "call jack bauer that"....NO WAIT, DON'T CALL JACK BAUER ANYTHING!

[homeybeef]

get ME Jack Bauer! My neighbor is annoying me.

[BillB]

just happened to have an animated graphic handy to ilustrate the suitcase nuke death zone and body count

[debby]

Are they going to explain what's up with Jack's hand?

[BucFan600]

SJ - Yes.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*sheesh* These guys need to be on permanent conference call.

Jack, take charge??? WHA???

More sacrifice please, Jack.

[Jazzzz]

SJ.....yes

[Witchiecoo]

Lisa Bisa... he's a really funny Canadian comedian. He's one of the hosts of CBC's This Hour has 22 Minutes.

[Dom Casual]

Jack . . . . I . . . I. . . LOVE YOU MAN!!!!!!

[Suzy Q]

And to the proposal that human life as we know it is about to end, Prez Wood has...no reaction. Hating him!

[Isabel]

But you can't put Jack in charge, he hasn't gotten his edge back from the Chinese prison!

[chase]

damn the prez has me on call waiting

[SJ]

Curtis needs to call the president!

[jobob]

Finally, Wayne P. comes to his senses! Only took him three hours!

[ArcticAl]

SUCK UP! Mr. Prez

[twentyforgery]

Second Curtis Subplot Alert ...

[wolfie]

If they had the suitcase last thursday and the device today, how many people can we blow up tomorrow?

[chase]

more kissing

[Wes S.]

Hmmm. Per Suzy's comments above: it seems that the Wooden Dialogue Generator has somehow coughed up a wooden President...

[Isabel]

Where did he get the new clothes?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I'll have to watch that Witchie!

*snork* @ everybody

[ChuckE]

"Had to be careful crossing the city"...at the speed he must have going, I should think so.

[BucFan600]

It's a thermos!

[Arturo Toscanini]

Kiss Kiss . . . Bang Bang. . . .

[Suzy Q]

Yeah, what IS up with Jack's hand? Looks like the skin is sloughing off. Does he need a nursemaid because I just might be available. Have to check my schedule, of course.

[mm]

he's in the middle of an emergency "Is this imporatant?" she says...When will they learn - nothing is ever not important.

[WayneHere]

OOOOhhhh....the "device". Or as women in aol chatrooms call it..."Bob"

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Kumar eats painkillers like M&Ms.

If you shoot them, I'm gonna tell your momma.

[ASK]

Dad grew a pair! Oops, no he didn't.

[Witchiecoo]

"Mr. President, I don't think I do this anymore"

Is Jack Bauer gonna break down?

[ChuckE]

That's gonna be one cold marital bed when all this is over.

[Jodi]

Terrorist Kumar will kill them both anyway. Either both or nothing. Dad wusses again!!

[jobob]

geez, suburban dad, whatever happened to ladies first?

[Christobol]

Okay - I've never seen the show - am I right that a bunch of people are stranded on an island, because a plane crashed, and everyone is torn between Maryanne and Ginger, and there are tribes, and if you're voted off you have to do shots with Jack while Chrissy burns toast, and Walker, Texas Ranger is shooting people in their thighs?

[Suzy Q]

*snork* at ASK

[Larry]

It's OK Mom, I have a butter knife...

[twentyforgery]

Nuclear Science Terrorist got across LA in 9 minutes ... what takes them so long? Jack would have been there in yesterday's previews.

[kimgirl]

there is no way in hell a mom would leave her son with kumar

[chase]

i love you even if you chose our son to live.....

[Timl]

where's ray's cell phone?

[WayneHere]

You got it Christobal-enjoyed reading you while lurking all these months

[swo]

C'mon Mom. Do something smart and brave, unlike the rest of your family.

[Jodi]

KUmar is bleeding all over the place and has taken about 20 pills and is still coherent!!! Here plot!

[debby]

Allstate Jr is as usless as president as he was on Buffy.

[Suzy Q]

Good luck, son! Buh, bye! I'll give your love to Dad.

[mm]

that's about right Christobol

[Jessica R.]

That's right C-Bol, but you forgot about the evil judge named Simon.

[ASK]

Umm, is it just me? You pay $50K at the pawn shop and get a real big gun and go back and blow Kumar away through the window - dude is just sittin' there.

[Timl]

why didnt she just call the president?!

[slyeyes]

A payphone that works AND accepts calls? That's SOOOO last century!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Hi SuzyQ!

Did we loose Annie??

[Isabel]

Silly woman. You need to get someone higher up involved. Someone with better hiding skills than that guy on the roof who exposed Jack & Curtis to grenade-man.

[ArcticAl]

Come on Mom. Call the cops!