24
Here is where we stand:
The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the federal government that it was, once again, after the wrong terrorist leader. This is understandable: in 24 World, the United States has a higher population of terrorist leaders than of squirrels. Jack contacted the president (in 24 World, it is easier to contact the president than to order a pizza) but of course the president, played by Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, did not believe him, because of the mandatory Bad Advice Advisor, played by the weenie from Ally McBeal and Numb3rs. The president now sort of believes Jack, but it May Be Too Late. Also Jack is afraid he might be going soft, because at one point he gave up on torturing a terrorist after stabbing him only once. (!) Also there is a subplot involving President Payton's sister, but it is very boring so far and mainly consists of dialogue from the Wooden Dialogue Generator, which was so active in the first two hours that many of the characters were bleeding from lip splinters. There is a more-promising subplot involving Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, who plays a terrorist stabbed in the thigh by a coffee table. (When coffee tables are outlawed, only terrorists will have coffee tables.)
We are pleased to report that Chloe is still Chloe, and Audrey is nowhere to be seen. We had one perimeter last night, but are hoping for more. Except for ripping out one guy's throat with his teeth and stabbing another guy just the one time and kicking a suicide bomber off a moving subway train and clubbing another guy with a log (possibly dialogue material) Jack has been pretty subdued, but, hey, it's early.
Carry on, people. You too, Steve.
UPDATE: OK, I am at the hotel. Either they're showing a commercial here, or Jack is selling home-theater systems.
UPDATE: OK, does the president ever talk to anybody besides these two people?
UPDATE: Hey, was that a weasel look from Tom? IS TOM THE MOLE? Don't mind me. I just got here.
UPDATE: Jack is going in!
UPDATE: They shot KUMAR!!! Didn't they see his movie, for godsakes?
UPDATE: Seriously, I don't get the feeling I missed anything here. Is that stupid?
UPDATE: It's kind of sad that the guy from "Back to the Future" is making commercials, if you ask me.
UPDATE: NO! NOT CURTIS! I am seriously starting to worry about Chloe.
UPDATE: Apparently, Jack, DOES eat.
UPDATE: OK, let's look on the bright side. This is probably covered by various homeowner insurance policies.
UPDATE: Wow. Big of the president to offer help!
UPDATE: OK, I think we can agree that this is a big step up from the cannister plot.
UPDATE: Hey! Looks like the weird bald scotch-drinking guy is back next week!
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Re: Kill her [Wayne's sister]. Her death, delivered by Beatrix Kiddo, when she played Copperhead.... That would be about right.
Posted by: CJrun | January 15, 2007 at 08:41 PM
jack cant interrogate, he's weak now, stupid chinese
Posted by: pasmith3 | January 15, 2007 at 08:41 PM
Jack says: "Just once, I wish we had more than a few minutes."
Posted by: Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa | January 15, 2007 at 08:41 PM
Lisa, they can't order Curtis to "set up a circumference;" it would only confuse him.
Posted by: Wes S. | January 15, 2007 at 08:41 PM
why perimeters? why not domes???
Posted by: Yvonne | January 15, 2007 at 08:41 PM
Yes, they do.
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:41 PM
So where does the hamster come in?
Posted by: casey | January 15, 2007 at 08:42 PM
I think this is where Curtis buys the farm.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:42 PM
well, there goes someone's junk.
Posted by: jobob | January 15, 2007 at 08:42 PM
oh come ON...all that C4....that was a weak little pop
Posted by: pasmith3 | January 15, 2007 at 08:42 PM
that would be non lethal force
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:42 PM
a MOVING perimeter!
Posted by: twentyforgery | January 15, 2007 at 08:42 PM
Simpson-like KABOOMAGE!
Posted by: CJrun | January 15, 2007 at 08:42 PM
NO, NOT A DAMAGED HARD DRIVE!!!!
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:43 PM
That was pretty weak for an explosion with that much C4...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:43 PM
I thought czech plastic explosives was cemtex, not c 4...
Posted by: Hammond Rye | January 15, 2007 at 08:43 PM
A dozen crates of C-4...and all they managed to blow up with it was a couple of storage units???
Posted by: Wes S. | January 15, 2007 at 08:43 PM
what do you suppose the odds are there was a multimillion dollar picasso in the unit next to that one?
Posted by: wolfie | January 15, 2007 at 08:43 PM
Wes-Even if we gave him a protractor? *shrug*
Why don't Bill and the Prez just keep the line open??
Posted by: Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa | January 15, 2007 at 08:43 PM
de plane de plane!
Posted by: pasmith3 | January 15, 2007 at 08:43 PM
way to make it sound like it's jack's fault, Bill!
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:43 PM
this pres is weaker than pres manilow
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:44 PM
LBFF, the government is cracking down on overage charges.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:44 PM
Wait! Was that Shawn Merriman?
Posted by: BostonPaul | January 15, 2007 at 08:44 PM
Why don't they just dress a bunch of swarthy Marines in orange jumpsuits and send them instead?
Posted by: debby | January 15, 2007 at 08:45 PM
uh oh, whats in that suitcase? some kind of high tech terrorise bomb? or maybe that multi million dollar picasso!
Posted by: pasmith3 | January 15, 2007 at 08:45 PM
I'm back with a new proxy server! Holy hell, what'd I miss?
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:45 PM
President Allstate!
Posted by: jobob | January 15, 2007 at 08:45 PM
was that kumar's item?
Posted by: ASK | January 15, 2007 at 08:46 PM
ok, who else thinks that something big is about to happen at the planes?
Posted by: Jessica R. | January 15, 2007 at 08:46 PM
do I smell something?
Posted by: Jazzzz | January 15, 2007 at 08:46 PM
Welcome to Guantonamo Air. Please put your shackles in the upright andlocked position.
Posted by: ArcticAl | January 15, 2007 at 08:46 PM
Not C4... Ammo and handgrandes
Posted by: Larry | January 15, 2007 at 08:46 PM
Not a lot SuzyQ. It's a slow hour for Jack.
Posted by: wolfie | January 15, 2007 at 08:46 PM
WElcome back SuzyQ!
President Allstate makes it sound like changing clothes while driving is a bad thing.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:47 PM
this show will have a coherent plot when? never.
assuming you all just saw the same commercial
Posted by: ASK | January 15, 2007 at 08:47 PM
and thank you Dave and Judi for turnin off the robot tonight
*does the notbeenrobotedoncetonight dance*
Posted by: wolfie | January 15, 2007 at 08:47 PM
I'm getting worn out trying to figure out all the subplots! Maybe another glass of merlot will help.
Posted by: pjaykc | January 15, 2007 at 08:47 PM
The President has given into us! It's time to... stare dramatically at a briefcase!
Posted by: Matt | January 15, 2007 at 08:47 PM
Why are there so many bald men on this show this season?
Posted by: debby | January 15, 2007 at 08:48 PM
Is Curtis still around? He was looking awfully grim in that car with Jack.
How come there's no blood tonight? Jack got his mouthful last night and he's done?
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:48 PM
This may be slow but at least it's canister-less. I miss Marwan
Posted by: homeybeef | January 15, 2007 at 08:48 PM
Casting call....."Ok, all the fugliest MoFos here step forward"
Posted by: Jazzzz | January 15, 2007 at 08:48 PM
Another logic moment... does the president really negotiate with terrorists personally!!
Posted by: Jodi | January 15, 2007 at 08:49 PM
Fool, he left his lights on!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:49 PM
Packaged item!
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:49 PM
Ooo! A package in brown paper wrapping! Whatever could it be? Oh, it's just money. *sigh* I was hoping for smallpox or sumthin'.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:50 PM
Is this the end of dumb dad???
Posted by: Jodi | January 15, 2007 at 08:50 PM
Put it on my tab
Posted by: wolfie | January 15, 2007 at 08:50 PM
Didn't suburban dad know he was supposed to just drop off the package and get the hell out? And take his cell phone with him? Sheesh.
Posted by: jobob | January 15, 2007 at 08:50 PM
hell, whats another 50k....?
Posted by: pasmith3 | January 15, 2007 at 08:50 PM
Will you take VISA? American Express?
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:51 PM
PUH-LEEZ take the money. So he calls the terrorist at his house. Call the police, Moron!
Posted by: Jessica R. | January 15, 2007 at 08:51 PM
What can brown do for you today? When you absolutley, positively have to get your bomb parts there over night!
Posted by: ArcticAl | January 15, 2007 at 08:51 PM
Jeez, you send a schlub to do a terrorist's job...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:51 PM
I LOVE LAMP
Posted by: pasmith3 | January 15, 2007 at 08:51 PM
Dad's gonna try somethin STUUUUPID
Posted by: WayneHere | January 15, 2007 at 08:51 PM
I LOVE LAMP
Posted by: pasmith3 | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
once the head makes that mushy sound, its pretty much over, or so I hear
Posted by: ASK | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Oh dear, someone has a rage problem.
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Ouch. That left a mark.
Posted by: debby | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Jeez, you send a schlub to do a terrorist's job...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
About time we got some killin' round here.
Posted by: ChuckE | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Oh, now look what you've done! You've gone and become a killer. Way to go, WhiteSuburbDad!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Way to leave nice flat bloody handprint on a tv there dad.
Sheesh. you'd think he never killed anyone before.
Posted by: wolfie | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
you have won your dream job at ctu
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
SCHEMATIC!!!!!!
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Shoulda took the money and skipped the bonus round
Posted by: Jazzzz | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
laptop came back!
Posted by: homeybeef | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
Nukes again?!
Posted by: Isabel | January 15, 2007 at 08:52 PM
wolfie, the robot has hit me on every post. I'm ruunnin' interference for ya', buddy!
Posted by: Jessica R. | January 15, 2007 at 08:53 PM
A suitcase nuke! All Jack needs to do is check it through MIA and it will be gone forever.
Posted by: twentyforgery | January 15, 2007 at 08:53 PM
Thanks Jessica.
Nuclear canister! Hot dawg!!
Posted by: wolfie | January 15, 2007 at 08:53 PM
Like all bad guys he has the bad guy sneer!!
Posted by: Jodi | January 15, 2007 at 08:54 PM
this is going to mess up someone's plan!
Posted by: pjaykc | January 15, 2007 at 08:54 PM
Yes, Wolfie, the robot came to my house tonight, too.
You're welcome. :)
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:54 PM
*drinks several shots to make up for all the perimeters and schematics she missed during her tragic un-connected with the Internets*
Can I just say again, Chloe is hawt this season? Cuz she is.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:54 PM
I get hit by the robot every time, too.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:54 PM
A nuke!
Posted by: ArcticAl | January 15, 2007 at 08:54 PM
damn, Buchanan said he's stopping the release-now thats control
Posted by: WayneHere | January 15, 2007 at 08:54 PM
Ha! Bill override the president? Only Jack can do that!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:55 PM
How come the terrorists are so much smarter than we are?
Posted by: debby | January 15, 2007 at 08:55 PM
PDA's are now standard GI equipment?
Posted by: mm | January 15, 2007 at 08:55 PM
Yawn.
Posted by: Dr. Doug | January 15, 2007 at 08:55 PM
That CAN'T be good. More traitors.
Posted by: Isabel | January 15, 2007 at 08:55 PM
No way! First hour's up already??
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:56 PM
...And they didn't even do a headcount when they had all the prisoners on the plane. Riiiight.
Posted by: Wes S. | January 15, 2007 at 08:56 PM
Here plot, here plot 'whistle', 'whistle'
Posted by: Jodi | January 15, 2007 at 08:56 PM
Another mole in high places.
I guess now we know how Hour 4 ends...
Posted by: ChuckE | January 15, 2007 at 08:56 PM
Robot has been busy with me too, Wolfie dear. We knew you were special.
Posted by: ASK | January 15, 2007 at 08:56 PM
mm - I guess everyone took Jack's example and got an all-purpose, immortal PDA.
Posted by: Isabel | January 15, 2007 at 08:56 PM
*imagines Dave checking into his hotel*
"Just give me the damn key card! THERE'S NO TIME!!!"
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:57 PM
Never judge the sarge!
Posted by: ArcticAl | January 15, 2007 at 08:57 PM
Even numbered seasons always have nukes. always!
Posted by: homeybeef | January 15, 2007 at 08:57 PM
It's the old "terrorist hides in the can while the mole kills the driver" ploy.
They fall for it every time.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:57 PM
Is Jack using an iPhone this year? If he is, that might mean that Steve Jobs got a thigh shot.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:57 PM
Anyone else wondering about the new honcho ctu lady (is it Nadia?) being a terrorist too?
I mean, she did screw up the firewall thingy.
Posted by: ASK | January 15, 2007 at 08:57 PM
When those prisoners get on the bus, I bet someone will try the “towel/sit-up” maneuver.
*Those wacky prisoners!*
Posted by: Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa | January 15, 2007 at 08:57 PM
NICE one WayneHere!
Posted by: Dom Casual | January 15, 2007 at 08:58 PM
*snork* @ Isabel
Posted by: mm | January 15, 2007 at 08:58 PM