24

Here is where we stand:

The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the federal government that it was, once again, after the wrong terrorist leader. This is understandable: in 24 World, the United States has a higher population of terrorist leaders than of squirrels. Jack contacted the president (in 24 World, it is easier to contact the president than to order a pizza) but of course the president, played by Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, did not believe him, because of the mandatory Bad Advice Advisor, played by the weenie from Ally McBeal and Numb3rs. The president now sort of believes Jack, but it May Be Too Late. Also Jack is afraid he might be going soft, because at one point he gave up on torturing a terrorist after stabbing him only once. (!) Also there is a subplot involving President Payton's sister, but it is very boring so far and mainly consists of dialogue from the Wooden Dialogue Generator, which was so active in the first two hours that many of the characters were bleeding from lip splinters. There is a more-promising subplot involving Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, who plays a terrorist stabbed in the thigh by a coffee table. (When coffee tables are outlawed, only terrorists will have coffee tables.)

We are pleased to report that Chloe is still Chloe, and Audrey is nowhere to be seen. We had one perimeter last night, but are hoping for more. Except for ripping out one guy's throat with his teeth and stabbing another guy just the one time and kicking a suicide bomber off a moving subway train and clubbing another guy with a log (possibly dialogue material) Jack has been pretty subdued, but, hey, it's early.

Carry on, people. You too, Steve.

UPDATE: OK, I am at the hotel. Either they're showing a commercial here, or Jack is selling home-theater systems.

UPDATE: OK, does the president ever talk to anybody besides these two people?

UPDATE: Hey, was that a weasel look from Tom? IS TOM THE MOLE? Don't mind me. I just got here.

UPDATE: Jack is going in!

UPDATE: They shot KUMAR!!! Didn't they see his movie, for godsakes?

UPDATE: Seriously, I don't get the feeling I missed anything here. Is that stupid?

UPDATE: It's kind of sad that the guy from "Back to the Future" is making commercials, if you ask me.

UPDATE: NO! NOT CURTIS! I am seriously starting to worry about Chloe.

UPDATE: Apparently, Jack, DOES eat.

UPDATE: OK, let's look on the bright side. This is probably covered by various homeowner insurance policies.

UPDATE: Wow. Big of the president to offer help!

UPDATE: OK, I think we can agree that this is a big step up from the cannister plot.

UPDATE: Hey! Looks like the weird bald scotch-drinking guy is back next week!

Comments

[Annie Where-but-here]

They could do so much with product placement -
-carpet stain removers, for the blood
-Omar's House 'o Knives....

[BillB]

hey, what happened to my post?

I said Cloe is hot for Jack! "Jack, . . I never thought I'd hear your voice again!" pant pant

[mm]

it's your character flaw not mine, great slapdown!

[Annie Where-but-here]

homey - 'you can't do this anymore.'

[Back The Jack]

Wayne Palmer's Reelection Campaign: Soft on Terrorism

[Annie Where-but-here]

homey - 'you can't do this anymore.'

[Dom Casual]

Nice one wolfie. . . . down in the VALLLLEEEYYYYY, the VALLLLEEEEEYYY so looooooooowwww. . . new meaning to "Twin Peaks".

[Cheesewiz]

they still say 10-4?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Damnit...where's JackSack™?!?

[slyeyes]

Why is the President and his staff not in the Sit Room?

[Eponder]

earpiece makes it official--Jack is back! I wonder where his pda is....

[Annie Where-but-here]

oops...guess there's two thighs to every story.

[twentyforgery]

Curtis Subplot alert!

[Wes S.]

Ohnoes! Jack is having another crisis moment!

[Cheesewiz]

Curtis is going to be trouble.

[Annie Where-but-here]

I thought they got rid of the submarine.

[Isabel]

C'mon, Curtis. We can worry about Assad later. AFTER we have Fayed.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack...at odds with people at CTU...uh oh...Curtis may not be around much longer if he doubts Jack...

[Cheesewiz]

and some tequila

[ArcticAl]

Heavy speech from Jack. Who am I to judge.

[Jodi]

I feel a Wesley Crusher moment!!! Stupidity!!

[mm]

hey! they can't use our percocet!

[ASK, the CD]

its a butter knife!

[Dom Casual]

Great combination . . . crazed Kumar, a handgun, and prescription painkillers. What could possibly go wrong????

[Back The Jack]

What is this Harold and Kumar: Shoot White Castle

[slyeyes]

Can he do it? Can he? I don't think so.

[Larry]

Jack was brainwashed while in China - Curtis should get out the cards and show Jack the Queen of Shades!

[ArcticAl]

Weenie boy has a knife!

[KDF]

*snork* at mm

[Jessica R.]

Re-united and it feels so...whispery...volume please! My son just said, "I'd rather be watchin' the A-Team."

[wolfie]

Mom! You won't let me stab anybody!! I hate you!!

[WayneHere]

I like the kid pretending not to know where Mom keeps her 'Happy Pills"

[Jazzzz]

What is this "warm caring sensitive male" of which you speak?

[Jessica R.]

Oh yeah, painkillers. Better living through chemistry!

[Wes S.]

I keep wanting to tell Jack - ala Donald Pleasance in Telefon "The woods are lovely, dark and deep..."

I mean, it's like he's been brainwashed and turned into a total wuss...

[ASK]

sure, you need to take, like 12 of these...

[homeybeef]

I guess I have to make the ultimate sacrafice, not reading the comments as they go! I have to be sacraficed! NOOOOOO!!!!

[BostonPaul]

Why doesn't Sky High kid save the day?

[ArcticAl]

Definately slow so far

[hdecker44]

Eponder, he doesn't need his PDA this season, he has his teeth!

[ctstephen]

never saw an empty kitchen cabinet before

[Jessica R.]

wow. that's a couple million bucks worth of combines.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Detainee processing brought to you by Stargate SG1!

[ASK]

President Payton is watching Dave's blog!

[Cheesewiz]

send the sister to palmdale

[debby]

President Allstate's brother is a wuss.

[ArcticAl]

The terrorist that they keep looking at is actually a Canadian comedian named Sean Majumber.

[mm]

why isn't everyone microchipped? Then they'd alway be able to find them

[WayneHere]

Crap! They arrested president Wayne's sister. And today's my sister's birthday. Just ain't right. And a cavity search?

[Jazzzz]

Kill her

[slyeyes]

tsk tsk. Sibling rivalry can be so ugly.

[BucFan600]

Oh, ok, why didn't you just say so???

[Cheesewiz]

it is going to be a very tense Thanksgiving next year.

[debby]

They have the worst women on this show. Although anyone's better than Audrey.

[jobob]

Show of hands: Who else misses David Palmer right now?

[BostonPaul]

Call the ACLU! EEK!

[pasmith3]

oh no not drive me home!!

[Jazzzz]

kill her, revive her, and kill her again

[slyeyes]

"I don't have time for this"

DRINK!

[largebill]

Hey Wayne it is my sister's birthday as well.

[ASK]

okay, somebody shoot or stab somebody in the thigh and lets move on

[Jodi]

Talk about the wooden dialogue generator at the detention center.

[wolfie]

Oooo cavity searches. Someone fade this to black please!

[Hammond Rye]

One generous cavity search coming up!

[pasmith3]

oh hell, watch out!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Bah, he just got tapped on the arm. Jack wouldn't have even noticed something like that.

[KDF]

Wake me when something happens, please!

[wolfie]

Sly! shame on you. You have forever tarnished the reputation of the perimeter drinking game!

That calls for a drink
Cheers!
*drinks*

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Destroying documents while inspectors were looking for them? History repeats itself.

*I think proxy server is going down*

[Jodi]

NO sex but lots of torture is ok. Now we get to see detention center waterboarding, yeehaw!!!

[BostonPaul]

Cavity search? President's sister first!

[WayneHere]

Cool,Largebill. My big sister hit the big 5-0. I've been kind today.

[debby]

I haven't trusted Allstate Jr. since he tried to kill Spike on the 7th season of Buffy. Now he's negotiating with terrorists.

[ArcticAl]

Oh a cavity search! Fun!

[Isabel]

Who observed yesterday that Curtis might die because he's listed as a guest star?

I think you might be right.

[Jessica R.]

yawn...have they started the show yet?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Heh...slower than usual...why is that a surprise? They said tonight would "change everything".

[BostonPaul]

Kumar! Put some salt on that wound.

[WayneHere]

Do cavity searches call for a drink? I'm a rookie here.

[KDF]

A memory like a fish?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Did he say his son has a memory like a fish?

Chloe's gettin' snippy.

[Hammond Rye]

smack!

[slyeyes]

"you mean like I'm doing already?"

Chloe-tude!!!

[KDF]

Wayne - Me too, but I'm thinking yes.

[Dom Casual]

NICE DIMPLES CHLOEEEEEEEE!!!!(ooooooooyeahhhh!)

[jobob]

oh, yeah, his help was nothing. Especially since your every movement was just traced by CTU.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Idiot! That's not a THROUGH STREET! You'll NEVER GET AWAY NOW!

[Jodi]

Perimeter shots all round!!!

[ArcticAl]

Maybe Jack has to kill Curtis when Curtis tries to take out the head terrorist that he doesn'tapprove of.

[ASK]

they do when I am involved

[Hammond Rye]

I smell a perimeter!

[KMB]

A MOVING PERIMETER!

[wolfie]

Search him for weapons? Is he getting a cavity search too?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

KDF-That's what I thought he said.

Just once, I wish they'd set up a circumference.

[Wes S.]

So...will the MOVING perimeter work any better than the usual stationary ones?

[Renee (the First)]

Hugh Laurie wins! Take that, stupid Emmy people!!

(We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.)

[Nathaniel]

Perimeters can move now!

[pasmith3]

a car!!

[ASK]

hmmm, when I am drinking (whether or not it involves cavity searches), I don' remember much - and it has been said that I drink like a fish, so...

[slyeyes]

Check writing?