24
Here is where we stand:
The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the federal government that it was, once again, after the wrong terrorist leader. This is understandable: in 24 World, the United States has a higher population of terrorist leaders than of squirrels. Jack contacted the president (in 24 World, it is easier to contact the president than to order a pizza) but of course the president, played by Gary Payton of your World Champion Miami Heat, did not believe him, because of the mandatory Bad Advice Advisor, played by the weenie from Ally McBeal and Numb3rs. The president now sort of believes Jack, but it May Be Too Late. Also Jack is afraid he might be going soft, because at one point he gave up on torturing a terrorist after stabbing him only once. (!) Also there is a subplot involving President Payton's sister, but it is very boring so far and mainly consists of dialogue from the Wooden Dialogue Generator, which was so active in the first two hours that many of the characters were bleeding from lip splinters. There is a more-promising subplot involving Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, who plays a terrorist stabbed in the thigh by a coffee table. (When coffee tables are outlawed, only terrorists will have coffee tables.)
We are pleased to report that Chloe is still Chloe, and Audrey is nowhere to be seen. We had one perimeter last night, but are hoping for more. Except for ripping out one guy's throat with his teeth and stabbing another guy just the one time and kicking a suicide bomber off a moving subway train and clubbing another guy with a log (possibly dialogue material) Jack has been pretty subdued, but, hey, it's early.
Carry on, people. You too, Steve.
UPDATE: OK, I am at the hotel. Either they're showing a commercial here, or Jack is selling home-theater systems.
UPDATE: OK, does the president ever talk to anybody besides these two people?
UPDATE: Hey, was that a weasel look from Tom? IS TOM THE MOLE? Don't mind me. I just got here.
UPDATE: Jack is going in!
UPDATE: They shot KUMAR!!! Didn't they see his movie, for godsakes?
UPDATE: Seriously, I don't get the feeling I missed anything here. Is that stupid?
UPDATE: It's kind of sad that the guy from "Back to the Future" is making commercials, if you ask me.
UPDATE: NO! NOT CURTIS! I am seriously starting to worry about Chloe.
UPDATE: Apparently, Jack, DOES eat.
UPDATE: OK, let's look on the bright side. This is probably covered by various homeowner insurance policies.
UPDATE: Wow. Big of the president to offer help!
UPDATE: OK, I think we can agree that this is a big step up from the cannister plot.
UPDATE: Hey! Looks like the weird bald scotch-drinking guy is back next week!
first?
Posted by: homeybeef | January 15, 2007 at 07:56 PM
Whoops, I posted the wrong address for live blogging. It's www.americanprincess.mu.nu
That's all, thank you.
Posted by: jt | January 15, 2007 at 07:57 PM
"I can't do this anymore...."
Posted by: Punkin Poo | January 15, 2007 at 07:57 PM
We're mentioned in an LA blog:
http://www.insidesocal.com/tv/2007/01/24_viewing_aids.html
Could someone do the linky thing, please? Thanks!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 07:57 PM
Let's get ready to rumbllllllllleeeeeee!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 07:57 PM
I'm still hoping for Edgar's return...
Posted by: Hammond Rye | January 15, 2007 at 07:59 PM
24 bloging and the bears going to the NFC championship. What a great weekend.
Posted by: homeybeef | January 15, 2007 at 07:59 PM
jt: You going to post a link to my 24 Motivational Posters again on your blog? :)
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 07:59 PM
Ah, live commentary on 24!! Oh Dave, I just see this series through your eyes only!!
Posted by: Yvonne | January 15, 2007 at 07:59 PM
24 countdown checklist:
Wine: Check!
Dinner: No time!
Garlic: Check. Hey, DracuJack is on the loose!
Blogpals: Check!
Disbelief?: Suspended!
Sweet intro by THCguy? Oh, yessss!
Bring it ON!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:00 PM
Just had Chinese food for dinner -- in honor of Jack's return!
Posted by: BucFan600 | January 15, 2007 at 08:00 PM
Suzy Q's link
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:00 PM
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
Brought to you by JackSack™ and ChloeSack™ and "Marwan's House of Non-Warrantied Bungee Cords"!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:00 PM
Thanks, KDF!
Posted by: SQ | January 15, 2007 at 08:01 PM
Hey, a lot of this looks familiar...didn't we see this all recently? Why are they repeating it? Is this short attention span theater?
Errr...what was I saying? Oooooh, something shiny!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:01 PM
Bomb belts are NOT fashionable
Posted by: Jazzzz | January 15, 2007 at 08:02 PM
Well, let's all hope for A LOT more gore tonight. Many more thigh shootin's and such.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:02 PM
Man, I gotta pay attention to all this commentary AND listen to the Golden Globes AT THE SAME TIME to hear if Hugh Laurie and Tony Shalhoub win. Life is tough, I tell ya.
Posted by: Renee (the First) | January 15, 2007 at 08:02 PM
Let The Games Begin
Posted by: Josh Ondich | January 15, 2007 at 08:02 PM
Hey, just running through. Been super busy and overloaded. Go Steve! Somebody send Jack to my house, I could use his help this month. Hey to eveyone!
Posted by: Lucy.vanpelt | January 15, 2007 at 08:02 PM
Blurp blorp blerp ("I can't do this anymore!")
for those of youse that dare not look away, here's the blurb from Suzy Q's post-
"Dave Barry’s live-blogging commentary on the show. (Note: Dave watches it on the East Coast, so he’ll be done by the time West Coasters can take in the spectacle, so you’ll have to time your reading carefully in order to avoid spoilers – unless, that is, you like spoilers, and anyway, half of what Dave says isn’t actually happening on the show the way he’s describing it. His version is often even better.)"
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 15, 2007 at 08:02 PM
HERE!!
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:02 PM
THEY HIT ST. LOUIS!?!?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:03 PM
President Wood just can't think of what to do. It's too HARD.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:04 PM
*pours sly a glass of vino*
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:04 PM
So a guy walks up to Jack on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in weeks...
but that was last night
Posted by: ASK, the CD | January 15, 2007 at 08:04 PM
sly - they thought it was a huge McDonalds.....what with the arch and all....
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 15, 2007 at 08:05 PM
OK, im here
not cuz ive ever seen 24 ( i cant get it here), but cuz i wanna be one a the cool kids
Posted by: TCK | January 15, 2007 at 08:05 PM
THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME!
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:05 PM
Sip Dhit
Posted by: Jazzzz | January 15, 2007 at 08:06 PM
Well, I got here just in time...and it looks like the MoveOn.org script writers did, too.
"Holding the Guantanamo prisoners in violation of international law???"
Yawn. Never mind Jack; I don't know if I can do this anymore...
Posted by: Wes S. | January 15, 2007 at 08:06 PM
And the Golden Globe for Worst Actor in a Comedy Meant to Be a Drama goes to....the current President Palmer!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:06 PM
Oh. Karen's worried about extremely dangerous terrorists being released while a venti-level dangerous terrorist is blowing up the place.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:07 PM
Lurker becomes a contributor. Yes, my name is Wayne, and no, I'm not a criminal or president.
Posted by: Edward iko | January 15, 2007 at 08:07 PM
Five minutes and no blood?! What is this world coming to?
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:07 PM
Thumper!
Welcome and protect your thighs at all times!!
Posted by: wolfie | January 15, 2007 at 08:08 PM
You know, Suzy. He "just can't do it anymore," yadda yadda yadda.
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:08 PM
wolfie! *pounces then slips you a glass of wine*
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:08 PM
No, really, I can't do this anymore....time to put Grandbaby to bed....we have to watch Sprout for the next hour.....
*wishes she could combine PBS and FOX - maybe get "Jack the pissed off tank engine" or "Bauertubbies"...*
Posted by: Punkin Poo | January 15, 2007 at 08:09 PM
I'm logging onto the NSC server now...
Posted by: Larry | January 15, 2007 at 08:09 PM
Fayed is Fayuked
Posted by: Jazzzz | January 15, 2007 at 08:09 PM
Not enough time. They ought to change this show to 28 or something.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:09 PM
Fancy bluetooth headset alert! Less killings are coming...atleast on-camera ones...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:10 PM
Grand Theft Auto: Bauer Style
Posted by: Josh Ondich | January 15, 2007 at 08:10 PM
dammit chloe, whattawe pay you for - speed up teh damn satellite!
Posted by: ASK, the CD | January 15, 2007 at 08:10 PM
Finally! Jack regains his blood pressure nad grows a pair!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:10 PM
surveilling is a verb now?
Posted by: mm | January 15, 2007 at 08:10 PM
Awww Jack and Chloe are reunited, Isn't that sweet? Now get me some damn satellites!
Posted by: Eponder | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
"Don't get up."
gripping dialogue.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
and smile about it!
Posted by: ASK, the CD | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
*surveilles everybody beers*
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
Poor Curtis. His confusion lets them explain the plot to us.
Posted by: WayneHere | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
punkin - I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to stab a Teletubby in the thigh....Again! Again! sheesh...poster children for prozac.
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
Assad's guy is taking a little detour. Courtesy of JB.
Posted by: Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
Heh. I said "nad."
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
Jack spent two years in China memorizing East L.A. street map...
Posted by: Larry | January 15, 2007 at 08:11 PM
I'll drop you, we can have a margarita on the way.
Posted by: Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa | January 15, 2007 at 08:12 PM
Brilliant!
Posted by: BucFan600 | January 15, 2007 at 08:12 PM
Chloe should get Maurice to get satellite access; he had no trouble last night.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:12 PM
Any bets that they start hearing the low battery beep.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:12 PM
*snork* @ Suzy. Wayne - there's a plot? As in cemetary?
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 15, 2007 at 08:12 PM
Perimeter!!!
Everybody, drink!
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:14 PM
Ok, I made it to both the laptop and the show, but wow, I am lost. Is Dr. Bashir a good guy or a bad guy?
Posted by: Jessica R. | January 15, 2007 at 08:14 PM
Jessica Simpson said she was up for the 'Chloe' part, but her b00bs wouldn't let her see the computer screen.
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 15, 2007 at 08:14 PM
After Jack's auto theft and hit-and-run caper, I've just got to know: What's Allstate's stand?
Posted by: Wes S. | January 15, 2007 at 08:14 PM
Hey, he said Kumar's name right! I guess they're BFFs...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:14 PM
For God's sake, don't say his name wrong.
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:15 PM
Perimeter shots? Yay!
Posted by: Hammond Rye | January 15, 2007 at 08:15 PM
These people need to seriously pick up the pace. Imma 'bout to take a nap.
Oh, good! Terror-boy strikes again! What is it with the bad terror children on this show?
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:15 PM
wouldn't they have patched him up without the gun?
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:15 PM
Kumar goes postal
Posted by: Josh Ondich | January 15, 2007 at 08:15 PM
Oooo! An item!
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:16 PM
wow - im lost already
but jessica simpson?
Posted by: TCK | January 15, 2007 at 08:16 PM
an item AND a package!
Posted by: ASK, the CD | January 15, 2007 at 08:16 PM
Wes, he's covered. Haven't you seen President Allstate's new ads? Everyone's covered! Even if you don't have Allstate!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:16 PM
tiny - check the last thread....
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
Might it possibly contain frozen squirrels?
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
OK, so we have a guy with uncontrolled bleeding and HE'S holding a family hostage?
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
I'm thinking Hummel figurines...
Posted by: Hammond Rye | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
Kumar is bleeding all over. She's thinking, we're gonna have to get new carpet.
Posted by: Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
Can't she poison him or something?
Posted by: Eponder | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
yes, it's AllAnarchy - everyone's covered.
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
and bring me back some White Castle!
Posted by: Larry | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
So THAT'S how UPS recruits new drivers!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 15, 2007 at 08:17 PM
So the liberal guy not only saves the terrorist from getting beat up last night, now he has to deliver his package?!
Posted by: ArcticAl | January 15, 2007 at 08:18 PM
i am not sure how much I'd be trying to stop the bleeding
Posted by: ASK, the CD | January 15, 2007 at 08:18 PM
when your package absolutely, positively has to be there on time, use a gun.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:18 PM
Kids these days. Tsk, tsk.
*late perimeter shot*
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 15, 2007 at 08:18 PM
Now we know why the kid looks stoned all the time, he is hanging out with Kumar way too much!!!
Posted by: Chris | January 15, 2007 at 08:18 PM
During the commercial, I need to make this announcement:
COURTENAY!!! WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR SYNOPSIS OF 24 ON THE AIR TOMORROW, AT LEAST HAVE THE COURTESY TO GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!!!!
Thank you.
Oh, another scary Yaris commercial.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 15, 2007 at 08:18 PM
Another scary Yaris commercial ....
Posted by: Isabel | January 15, 2007 at 08:18 PM
She should flash him. Whatever blood he has left will rush um, downhill, and he'll faint.
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 15, 2007 at 08:19 PM
Dads a freaking WCSM! (Warm Caring Sensitive Male)! Meanwhile Kumar has his crotch exposed, in deep pain, a gun pointed at the wife, and the kid just soiled himself. WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU ??????
Oh. And Chloeeeeeeeeeee (just for you Wolfie ; ) )
Posted by: Dom Casual | January 15, 2007 at 08:19 PM
Not to apply logic to the show but couldn't the husband drag his feet a little and Kumar will pass out from loss of blood. She did say he was bleeding uncontrollably. Perhaps we should let the writers in on this blog. They could correct some of the obvious errors.
Posted by: Jodi | January 15, 2007 at 08:20 PM
*sets out BLOODY Marys and southern-fried chicken thighs, ready for stabbin'*
Posted by: CJrun | January 15, 2007 at 08:20 PM
My laptp is crapping out on me. I'm gonna have to run back and forth from tv to computer now! and there's no time!!!
Posted by: homeybeef | January 15, 2007 at 08:20 PM
Chloecleavage
*faints*
Posted by: wolfie | January 15, 2007 at 08:20 PM
I am surprised Kumar did not tell him to go to White Castle also.
Posted by: Back The Jack | January 15, 2007 at 08:20 PM
Hey! Chloe did a *hairflip*
Posted by: KDF | January 15, 2007 at 08:21 PM
slap him Chloe
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 15, 2007 at 08:21 PM