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December 18, 2006

THIS JUST IN FROM THE SWAZI OBSERVER

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how disappointing, i thought this would involve home depot and some glue.

And how does one use a watermelon to clean one's colon? (Praying that the answer is 'eating it.')

But HOW should you sit? Cross legged? In the Lotus position? Whaaat?

Waste hiding in the folds of my colon. One more thing to lose sleep over.

She added that normally a person should go to the toilet at least three times a day.

Three times a day???? What are they eating over there?

Dear Trouble,

According to the author of clearing your place using Feng Shui (forgot the correct title), one squats. Apparently one can modify one's position on a Western-style toilet to better mimic this.

In Paris some of the brasseries have -- I forget the correct term, but I think they are based on toilets in the middle east -- where all you can do is squat (well, the girls, anyway -- boys are lucky most of the time, I guess).

We girls (or "nanas" as the French say) HATE these. To be terribly blunt, I personally have never figured out how one is supposed to stand without piddling all over clothing and shoes. (I practically undress to avoid this.)

Obviously this is chauvinism at its most cruel. ;-)

There is now another headline on the same site: BEWARE! Cooking oil puts PLASTIC IN YOUR STOMACH

To Grant:

This explains why I have dreams about eating plastic after a visit to McDo.

Exactly, Baron! It's called dysentery.

Dear Hammond -- I expect by fiber and water. Not nearly as interesting as we might hope.

Dear Baron -- truly possible if one drinks enough liquids and eats enough fruit and veg and grain.

OK, so if you think I seem to know a lot, well, I take a lot of meds that sometimes act like glue from Home Depot...

C'mon people, give it up for "Baartjies and the Intestinal Folds"

I just want to know who is Baartjies. I thought he was the guy is the picture, but the article call Baartjies a woman, so it's not likely.

my first cup of coffee and already we are discussing positions on the toilet. what a wonderful, informative way to start the week. i'm a vegetarian that eats lost of fiber, drinks lots of spring water and eats a bunch of fruit & veggies everyday, including watermelon in season and cucumbers in my salads and if i went three times a day, i'd be at the emergency room in no time. and yes, Amer, even aspirin acts like gorilla glue in my system.
that is all.

here you go amer. good luck with that.

I'm supposed to squat??!!? Not sit??

I don't think my legs are strong enough to hold me up until I finish
reading the magazine.

: : : ...Hmmmm they look pretty clean to me.

What's all this fuss about my colons? It's the semi colons that don't look all that clean...

; ; ; ...All sloped-like

Darn you, Elon Weintraub! You stole my comment!

I go to the bathroom at least three times a day, but not clearing my colon, which- at my colonoscopy was cleaner than a whistle and no folds at all that I saw.

Wicked Witch,

And lots of walking... when I lived out on the edge of some very hilly place in Germany, where I walked MANY kilometers each day, well, yes. Let's just say it's very possible.

one word:

COLONBLOW!

OH, to Wicked Withc -- I was a vegetarian back then, about about 11 years younger. Then I moved to France, started taking public transport, sitting all day, and eating meat again, because otherwise I would starve when eating out (companies here provide canteens or restaurant coupons for lunch). And, well, I'm actually not too crazy about most vegetables -- at least the way they're cooked...

The Japanese squat over a hole in the floor and they don't get colon cancer. Coincidence or something else?

I don't think I've ever gone 3 times in one day, unless I had some kind of stomach bug.

She said cleaning the colon is very important because this is where most of the waste hides.

Britney? Paris?? Fed_X?????

"for an extra clean colon use one of those toilet-bowl brushes and lots of soap. you may want to get help, because remember, the colon is five feet long and not many people are limber enough to reach up into their own colon that far."

(yes, i made that quote up.)

Mud, why don't ya just wrap pipe cleaners around your butt snake?

Hey Mud, how bout a song about the colon cleaning butt snake? I just flicked my bic in your general direction....

Key quote from another article on the same site:

"...his system was deposited with so much chicken chemicals that they overcrowded his fertility"

thanks mud, we knew we could count on you.

Back in the days of Roseanne and Tom, I remember reading an article in which they discussed some type of foot rest contraption for western style toilets that helped put you in a more squat-like and healthier position. Scary the things that stick in your mind. I think I need a watermelon to clear that mental blockage.

Three times a DAY? Dang, talk about an Ex-Lax Blastoff...

a song about a clean colon... (soft piano in background)

they say they want a snake -
like the roto-rooter man
how thoroughly it makes
your insides spic-n-span
be careful how you sit
you may find them hiding
those little wads of sh1t
interior folds residing
just take a brush or mop
attached them to a motor
make them spin like a top
the action of a rotor -

just grab you knees, grit your teeth
and then slowly take your seat
close your eyes, count your blessings
let the maid clean up your messing

so if you want a snake -
like the roto-rooter man
a little backyard rake
for your garbage can
be careful how you sit
consider instead squatting
those little wads of sh1t
are your demise a' plotting
so when you got a cramp
call mr. roto-rooter
or listen to Amy Grant
she'll convulse your pooter-

just grab you knees, grit your teeth
and then slowly take your seat
close your eyes, count your blessings
let the maid clean up your messing

yes, my mother is proud of me.

boo - the squatting toilet was on Dave's Gift Guide back in 2002.

Seems he was a head (ha!) of his time.

"your highness , the people are revolting!"

"you're telling me! i think it must be all those poisons building up in their colons. and maybe the rampant disease, poverty, and government corruption, off the record."

"what can we do?"

"tell 'em to poop three times a day. that'll keep them busy."

truly, you are an artist mud. i'm sure your mother is very proud of you. this poem would look wonderful framed.

when my dog "scoots" its because he didnt get all his toxins out either....so shall we as humans start scooting?

SNORKALICOUS!

Bravo Mud & Insom!

I love the word "pooter". I think I'll work it into as many conversations as I can today.

bravo mud!

a true artiste!

casey, maybe you can use it combined with Stavros...

The Swazi Observer has one helluva perky newsteam in their upper banner. Check it out.

LOL stevie...although it looks like a few of those need a bit of support (IYKWIM)

"Dirty Colon Folds" WBGNF any and all (c)rap um...
What's a word that's the exact opposite meaning of artist?

AHAHAHAHAHAHA...
I wish I'd thunk of that one, Siouxie.

Mornin'.

Good morning, blurk. Well I've had more coffee.

Although, dirty and folds also brings up Ms. Twatney's dangly bits.

ewwww

For example, carrots, cucumber and water melon are very useful in cleaning the colon.

*doesn't wait for the video*

Amy Grant, mud?

"Folded Colons" wbagnfa ... punk band?

(mud' ... I should hope to be nibbled to death by Muscovy ducks that y'all made up that quote ... merely ... um ... "relieved" ... does that word werk on this thread?)

gfunk: try listening to one of her albums, you'll see what i mean. extreme poopy cramps. involuntary. sorta like manilow.

So where does one find Kama Sutra for the Toilet? I looked on Amazon, and came up empty.

Calling all civic minded citizens: vote in the weekly poll!

Zodwa Baartjies is the source of the folded colon, plastic frying oil AND chicken-based infertility bits!!!

You can find the exceptionally wise Ms. Baartjies here:
http://www.irdp.up.ac.za/team/index.html

Interestingly enough, nothing in her incredibly inflated job description establishes her as even a local nutritionist, much less a leading nutritionist - both of which she is referred to in these articles.

I especially enjoyed that she imparted her vast wisdom at a "Christmas party for staff of SwaziBank." All I can say is, Party On Zodwa! And I have added the Swazi Observer to the top of my favorites list.

(thduggie - I did take the poll, as well. I voted with the rest of the tightasses, fortunately a minority so far, to impound those festive cattle.)

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