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December 19, 2006

NOW THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR

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First?

A grinch stole the Grinch!

Did they check with all the Whos down in Whoville?

They stole a Baby Jesus?? SOMEbody's going to hell...

NOW I know what Wassail means......it means steal.

For a moment there, I thought this was going to be a commercial for that upcoming FX show "Dirt".

More heroes of the Michigan Anti-Inflatable Demonstration Service (MAID Service). Cleaning up the state, one tacky lawn by one tacky lawn.

For a hilarious tale of a similar attempted theft check out this story over at Lawdog's Blog

Okay, who in the area has a Christmas display featuring the baby Jesus, two reindeer and the grinch?

Man, that is one perky news team.

Punkin, that really puts the assail in Wassail, eh?

That's the inflatable I'm missing, I gotta rush out and get the grinch to go with my snowman, santa, and rudolph inflatables. O.~

Reminds me of the antics of some kids from different churches in a Xmas novel that I read recently...

KCSteve, that was a brilliant link.

Simply brilliant.

'Scuse me while I go change my pants; I think I laughed a little too hard.

Man that news team has a leathel amount of perk.

I mean lethal of course. Forgive I have a cold.

A couple reported a baby Jesus figure was stolen from a manger scene on their front yard two weeks ago.

Maybe it was just someone who knows the baby shouldn't be delivered until CHRISTMAS!

Looks like they got into our Master Gumball Supply and bogarted the whole damn thing.

I'll bet the baby Jesus was just taken to hold until Christmas Eve. Some people are picky about their Christmas decorations (nobody here, of course) and someone couldn't tolerate it being there early.

http://www.nbc5.com/news/10566240/detail.html
Prankster Dumps 32 Stolen Baby Jesuses In Yard
Thief Lines Up Figures From Smallest To Largest For Woman To Find

At least in Chicago, we eventually return our stolen Jesuses

they'll never stop christmas from coming. it'll came all the same.

Dang bot... thought I shot it this morning.

Clean Hands Lawdog's well worth the read, isn't he?

Semi-unrelated: Here's a holiday-themed Productivity Enhancer Go Elf Yourself

Jesus, the grinch, and 2 reindeer walk into a bar
the bartender says: what'll ya have?

Jesus says: JD shots all around, and keep em comin

bartender: well, you bein the Son of God an all, first round's on the house

so the foursome sets down to some serious drinkin - since reindeer are notorious lightweights, prancer and vixen are soon passed out under the table

but the grinch, not wanting to be outdrank by anyone, not even the Son of God, stays with Jesus shot for shot

finally the grinch is so far gone he cant even lift the glass to his mouth, but Jesus still looks stone cold sober

frustrated, the grinch shouts: how can you drink like that?

Jesus smiles, and calmly replies: i changed each of my shots to water before i drank them

What? shouts the grinch. You cheated! You cant cheat - you're the Son of God!

to which Jesus replies: oh yeah? well you cant drink whiskey - you're a cartoon

My daughter is all grouchy cuz I refuse to tacky up my lawn for Christmas. If I had known, I woulda just told her to go "borrow" the neighbor's junk, oops, I mean decorations.

no casey, you really wanted to say 'crap'.

I'll send you the plastic candy canes for your driveway casey. hee hee

have you seen my
mr. grinch?
the envy of my block
it was poison green inflated
and gave babies quite a shock
mr. grinch!

it was buy either that or a 50-foot
snow globe!

why'd you steal my
mr. grinch?
you really are a schmuck
you fear its huge tumescence may i
repeat i think you s*ck
mr. grinch!

you're the kind of guy, who would sneak into
a nativity scene, have hot barnyard s*x with all
the animals,... and not call them the next day!

Insom, he would only have hot barnyard sex if the barnyard butts were painted orange.

FlameOrange Barnyard Butts. Hmm. Sounds like that might be a good name for something.

When does Houghton County Sheriff Brian McLean next play at the Improv? I am soooo there.

well done, insom!!

*will go home and secure my Santa*

"Lethal Perk" sounds like a Starbucks' Flavor of the Month.

Well, in the spirit of the season, anyone who has recently braved the mall parking lot may perhaps relate to this

Arrggghhh.

Okay, I have to confess. I have not shopped at all. Yet. Not my fault, we just bought a house and the closing costs were more than we expected, so it ate the Christmas money. I now get to brave the stores tomorrow, and over the weekend. Does Christmas fall the 25th every year? Because I'm never ready. But less so this year than any previous one.

hey, insomniac -- you use schmuck, but censor suck & sex? :) but me loves the rhyme!

shoulda added:

didn't need to
steal my grinch
blow up dolls are cheap
go to the hustler store
and buy one, two or maybe more
I want my grinch...

given a choice between the two of you, I'd pick the alcoholic creep!

Okay, mud, I hope you see this before you head off to your vacation: Snakes vs. Gators - it's personal now. Check out the third picture in the upper-left box.

Key quote:
In the wild, pythons often reach 20 feet in length, weigh more than 200 pounds, and grow strong enough to overpower a grown man. Hinged jaws, in fact, enable the snake to open its mouth wide enough to accommodate humans.

"Once they reach 8 to 9 feet in size," Snow says, "you don't want to be alone with a python."

Whahoo doray,
Yahoo moray,
bite me mister,
mister thief.

Rahoo, hate you,
wanna maime you,
stupid ugly
moron freak!

(Verb) my (noun)
you yahoo, yahoo.
May a scorpion
bite you, bite you.

Step one foot inside my yard,
I'll blow your head off
you frikkin tard!

Rahoo - kill you
Ya I'll kill you!
Welcome Christmas
make you pay!


YAY, Punkin'! I love the "frickin' tard" part best!

AFKAT...and people here in SW Michigan wonder why we have an aversion to Illinois drivers.

*snorks tentatively at Punkin, raeburn and insom and backs away slowly*

And all the Whos in Whoville went "WTF?"

okay, i know it's cool to roll your eyes and sigh and make that "tch" sound while grousing about christmas and the crowds and the mandatory expense and the mandatory time with pathological relatives and the inflatable assaults on your neighborhood feng shui and i know that i'm probably casting my lot amongst the nerds by saying so, but i love the holidays. i start shopping in august, i make my own christmas cards, (finishing both by thanksgiving) i make huge batches of homemade booze ("holiday hooch" - cranberry brandy) i do all the cooking, i have written and recorded hours of original music - all christmas music - and my wife refers to me as "Santa Claus". So anyway, it always puts a little salt in the wounds of those who have yet to hoist the onerous christmas burden (which is part of what makes it so fun) to say, and i am not making this up, that all my shopping, wrapping, cards and decorating (Mrs. Stuffin does the decorating) have been done since Thanksgiving. i go home at night, put my feet up, drink wine, play with the cat, etc. Tonight I'll go out to a bar with a friend and watch the fights on TV. happy holidays.

YAY for you mud!!!

I will say this...mud is an awesome composer. He was kind enough to mail me a cd containing one of his original Christmas pieces and it is incredible. I have it in my car and play it often.

(thanks mud!!)

and here we thought you'd be the grinch among us...

that was actually me, not my snake - i wrote that while you were posting those snake stories. I just want to say, for the record that my pledge only applies to the blog and the SB. i will not produce a poem each time y'all post a snake story.

okay i tried to write a poem about the guy that got strangled by his own snake (you know where i was going with that) but the story is too sad.

Good evening, all.

I called the cops one night when I thought someone was stealing my neighbor's lighted lawn deer. Turns out that they were repositioning them into, shall we say, compromising positions. They had been busy, as the cops found five other places in our little town that had amusing, but embarassing lawn displays.
Is this happening in other places?

if it's not, it really should be :)

*snork* at raeburn's new verse!

hey, insomniac -- you use schmuck, but censor suck & sex? :) but me loves the rhyme!

i was assuming the censor-bot was a goy...

Flash - yes - it happens elsewhere. It happened in my neighborhood last year. One morning we pulled out of our driveway to go to school, and my 7-year-old asked, "What are the reindeer doing?" Sure enough those Vixens were doing the nasty. I told my kid they were playing 'reindeer games.'

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house,
My hubby was snoring, oh christ, what a louse!
His stockings were thrown on the floor without care,
in hopes that some christmas elf soon would pick up after his ass.

I shot him.

Merry Christmas to me!

Punkin - luv it!

ah, Punkin' how I've missed you!

and everybody else, for that matter.

They stole Baby Jesus!

You bastards!

Maybe they found out Mary was an unwed mother so they were trying to find a more 'appropriate' home for the child.

What if Mary was actually just a slut and the Bible was propaganda written by her brother to save her honor????


Just supposin'


*ahem*

How 'bout them Red Sox?

So Punkin, does this mean that you're going to beg for mercy from the court on the basis that you are now a widow...merely asking...

AFKAT - she's a bosox fan, so she's going with not guilty by reason of insanity.

Annie - ouch. That hurt.

aaaw, come on. You know I'm only tryin' to keep you outta da big house.

This is a universal problem, it seems.

Glix - I've put my faith in cheeses.

If I can still chime in here...(MoFaux, the not here very often, sometimes rambling commentor)I have now hung my one strand of blue lights outside the cat's room!... I even wrapped the extra length of lights around the kitty box.Does anybody know where I can buy areosol pine scent?

Mo, sprinkle some pine sol (TM thingy) into the carpet or on the sofa. that otta fix 'er right up.

This is the laziest Christmas I have ever had. My kids were dang lucky to get a tree this year. It is absolutely the most pitiful tree I have ever seen. Really really tall and really really skinny. I told the kids the best we could do is link hands around it and pray for it's quick demise. But, despite it all, I love Christmas too. I love the tackyness yards and the pretty yards and the yummy homemade cookies that other people give me cuz G*d knows I aint doing any baking, and all the stuff that comes with it. HO HO HO!!!!!

casey, i hear you. i'm right there with you. my kids complained about the tree until i abandoned it, then charlie brown style they put the lights and decorations on while i was gone. it's not a bad little tree. and i agree about the kitsch and tackiness. what could be better than houses covered in glowing bulbs!? i hate icicle lights and white twinkle lights. hate them, hate them, hate them. i want colored lights that are left up all year.

OT question for you youtube fans. and you know who you are....

i don't have much patience to watch videos enough to know what all is on the site. does anyone know what rating the film nazi's would give the site? is it teen safe? or are there adult things i need to be concerned with oldest son viewing? parental controls won't let him access the site so i'm thinking there must be some reason. anyone, anyone?

Crossgirl,I have been youtubing FOREVER!... like, at least seven weeks!Its cool, but I have a feeling you can find just as much stuff there as anywhere on the internet that you wouldnt want your kids to see.I recommend that you check out this guitar player named Jimmy rosenburg(gypsy guitar) he is seven yrs old in the first video-I know thats not what you asked, but I want everyone to know about this guy!He's older now.Also, you can find the most pointless , absolutely moronic videos that bored people have uploaded, so if you dont want your kid to be moron-friendly, watch out... good luck!

I love how people express themselves, from the tacky inflatable nativities to the 20-foot, blue-light menorah. The grinches and the hyper-competitive are exposed, and you find out who your true neighbors are.

Annie, last year I had 12 strippers stripping, is that bad?

thanks mo, i suspected as much but as i don't surf that site i didn't know what standards they have. if any.

*stumbles in* What?!

I just need to advise folks that this Air Card/ wireless stuff is a complete chore. Makes a long day longer.

*pth, btphuh, wanders off to read posts*

Does anyone other than me wonder what Jesus would think if he saw the completely out of hand, over the top, out of control, "holiday" that is in his honor?

Just a thought.

But I keep having flash backs to the temper tantrum parable about the merchants in the temple. What would JC think about all of this activity in his name, and not even remotely close to his actual date of birth.

And God help us all if JC actually visits the Vatican! Merchants, vendors, charletains.........

Two plastic reindeer, a Grinch and a baby Jesus were stolen? And YouTube has a new "stop-action" animated video where Grinch races B.J. on reindeer, intoning "Luke, I am your father" at a dangerous curve to try to distract B.J. Coincidence? I think not.

Neb, you conspriacy theorists are a dime a dozen.

I like the way you think.

Mo Faux - I'm sure it was tastefully done.

There is good weary and bad weary -
Bad weary - spending two hours at a work luncheon listening to coworkers badmouth each other and suck up to the boss.

Good weary - aching feet because you baked until midnight last night so you could deliver cookies to a foster home today.

Two sides of the same coin - I need the dough from the job to bake cookies for my soul.

Last year back home someone stole all the snow from my garden...

Good morning people!!! wake up!!!

*turns on coffee maker*

bagels, cream cheese & trimmings for all...

UPDATES: goat is still not burning, raccoon corpse is still laying on the curb...slowly decomposing & my blow -up Santa condom survived another night.

Siouxie, why the raccoon corpse? is it a part of your christmas pageant on the lawn or just an accidental addition? I've seen a lot of neat displays this year, but none that feature a dead raccoon.

Annie - Baking Cookies for Your Soul would make an excelent title for a self-help book. There is a writer who stops by here occasionally (you can get his holiday story online, and it's your last chance to order for Xmas delivery) who might help you out. Maybe.

Yay the dead raccoon display....oh wait a sec, dead raccoon?

Good morning all, thanks for turning on the coffee maker. :)

Gotta say I really love Christmas, tacky, cool, or whatever. (Ok, maybe not the dead raccoon)

ww, the 'coon corpse is not part of my nativity scene (even though a certain writer that may or may not have a book out..still in stores today...wrote about a dead dog..in a very heartwarming way, of course). Anyways...it's road kill I pass by every morning - they still haven't taken it off the curb. It makes my morning - I thank God that I'm not laying dead...on a busy street curb...decomposing...while people drive by and tell their friends about me.

Heartwarming, no??

yeah, kinda makes me feel real warm and fuzzy myself, but i find any roadkill real depressing. 'course i like all animals better than i do most people. hell of a thing since i'm in sales and deal with humans all day long.

ww' ... nah, you don't deal with "humans" ... you hafta handle "customers" ...

MB(RH?) werks in "customer service" and I've run my own C-Store, so we know about the difference between some customers and real human beings ...

Annie - you go girl.

the best thing to do
with wealth - to give it away
cookies for my soul

even if you think
"i'm not rich" if you're able
to read blog - you are

bad blog poetry
fart jokes, severed penises
cookies for my soul

beautiful mud, and AWbh has the true christmas spirit.

very heartwarming indeed, mud & Annie!

My daughter is baking cookies for all her teachers and friends this year. She wanted to 'make' something.

I found a large dead racoon that had been electrocuted laying at the base of the power pole near my house (I suspect he was part of a subversive plot gone bad). He hit the ground with one little paw folded across his chest, and the other raised up above his head. Rigor mortis had set in, so I was able to prop him up against the pole, where he made a cute little neighborhood greeter (in a ghoulish sort of way). We left him there for several days until my neighbor put him in the dumpster. I kinda miss him.

*snork* @ Flash! That's the true Barry spirit (you'll have to read his Christmas book to find out).
Even if you're the most selfish sunnuvabeeyotch, I highly recommend giving to the needy. You can get high off the feeling. Baking for a foster home sure trumps the $5 Starbucks card my mgr gave me (I don't go to Starbucks). You are what you give. No pressure or anything. ;)

Annie, very true. This year I wasn't able to give to those less fortunate during this season, but I have donated WAY more than my share of time all year long. Just this morning I helped to serve Christmas brunch to over 500 students and teachers at my daughter's school. A whole bunch of parents chipped in with home made goodies and money to purchase things that couldn't be made to pull it all off. I had no time to cook and no bucks to pitch in, but was so happy to be able to donate my time. I've really tried hard to volunteer this year and I have to say, this year has been the best year of my life!

Happy, happy holiday to you Annie. You are already reaping the rewards of your kindness by the good feelings in your heart!

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