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November 17, 2006

NTTAWWT POST OF THE DAY

Shocking Key Quote: ...many animals, including humans, engage in sexual activities more than is necessary for reproduction.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

UPDATE, thanks to Loren Bosshard

November 16, 2006

IS IT JUST US

...or is this kind of creepy?

ISN'T THAT, LIKE, CHILD ABUSE?

Dear Dave,

I work at a junior high school teaching 7th grade science.  I have a sweatshirt with the name of the school on it, and adults look at my shirt and ask "is that really the name of your school?"

it's August Boeger Junior High School. That's right, one vowel away from Booger Jr. High. I've never heard any of the students saying this aloud, but I'm sure the rival schools are thinking it.  Just thought I'd share.  We're in the Mount Pleasant Elementary School District in East San Jose, and Mr. Boeger donated the land that school is on.

Pam Stewart
Santa Clara, CA

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

...and somebody you know needs this.

(Via Gizmodo)

DAIRY FARMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

CALL YOUR TRAVEL AGENT NOW

BE READY

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

A potentially dangerous snake was seen heading in the direction of... celebrities!

November 15, 2006

EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT FOR FANS OF THE BLOG

The Blog has written a new book! He will be talking about it live at 7:35 a.m. EST Thursday on the Jim Defede show, as well as a plethora of other radio shows (at other times, you little smart-alecks). Check your local listings.

NEWSLIKE UPDATE

Puts one in mind of the Shakespeare classic "Like You Like It."┬╣

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

┬╣Credit for this goes to someone in email, but we can't remember who.

THE PROBLEM WAS THAT THEY FAILED TO DO IT IN A ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

GOOD TO KNOW

Today I attended a Thanksgiving feast in the classroom of my first-grade daughter, Sophie. I was reading her journal, and came upon this entry, for October 25:

I have an imaginary pet unicorn. I would teach it these rules: come, stop, be nice, listen and chew.


Unicornjpg_1
I also learned that the Skill of the Week is: Cause and Effect.
Skill

THIS WOULD BE NO PROBLEM IN THE U.S., AS LONG AS IT WAS INSIDE A ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAG WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP

THE HOLIDAY SEASON

It's here.

(Thanks to TC K)

November 14, 2006

JUSTICE IN TEXAS

It is swift.

THIS SHOULD BE PROMINENTLY POSTED IN EVERY OFFICE AND RESTAURANT IN AMERICA

(Thanks to Suzy)

ADVISORY TO AIRLINE TRAVELERS

As you know, the rules governing what you can and cannot take on an airplane are changed roughly every two hours, in order to make everybody crazy thwart terrorism. Currently the most important rule is this: YOU HAVE TO HAVE A ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this. If you do not have a ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP, you cannot take your toothpaste onto the airplane. Don't ask why! It has to do with terrorism, OK?!? Just make damn sure you have a ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP. That is all for now.

Update: Also, my book is still for sale.

A GIANT STEP FORWARD FOR HYGIENE

Vibrating soap.

(Via Gizmodo)

THIS JUST IN

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Radio Snakes

November 13, 2006

MONTANA

Land of Wild Schools

Key Quote That This Blog Believes Needs Elaboration: "This is all on the heels of serious instances with guns and fights," said Messerli, who himself was suspended for six days last month after giving a student a wedgie.

Huh?

(Thanks to Leetie)

ADVISORY

Notice how I have gone several days now without mentioning that my book is still for sale.

COLOR THIS BLOG STUNNED

(Thanks again to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE SOMEBODY APPLIES THIS CONCEPT TO UNDERSHORTS

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE (Thanks to Claire Martin)

HUMANITY TAKES ANOTHER STEP

...toward the day when dogs rise up and kill us all.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

REMAINDERS REMINDER

Thanks to lax law enforcement overwhelming popular demand, a fraction of the highly unskilled world famous Rock Bottom Remainders will be playing in the Miami area twice this weekend

CELEBRITY NEWS FROM CANADA

Pamela Anderson has found a worthy co-star.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

WHEN SNAKES ARE OUTLAWED

...only teenagers will have snakes.

November 12, 2006

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Hamster Hell

Key Quote: "By that time it had been in the tomato soup long enough to be dyed slightly kind of pink around the bum area."

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS MOVIE

November 10, 2006

THEY ALL SAY THAT

(Thanks to Jack and Sharon Brown)

UNLIKE HERE, WHERE THEY RUN FOR CONGRESS

(Thanks to RussellMc)

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, KEN

You have been replaced by Tanner the pooping dog.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

UPDATE (thanks to Keith Jordan): It's an investment!

TOILET PHOBIA!

(Thanks to Bucket)

For the record, this blog has seen plenty of toilets that deserve to be feared.

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are pioneers.

(Thanks to Jay Drew)

MEMBERS OF AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT DEBATE WHETHER TO LET IT MELLOW

Key Quote: Nationals senator Barnaby Joyce said it was a great idea if only one person used the toilet "But a bit on the nose if you share it with other staff," he said.

MOST LOGICAL BUSINESS MOVE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

SQUIRREL TERRORISM

Now the little furred nutmunching bastards are attacking democracy itself.

(Thanks to Duffy)

WE CANNOT BELIEVE NOBODY THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE

(Thanks to Peter M)

(And now over to you commenters for the melon jokes)

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

You need a workout.

(Thanks to Beth Armogida)

November 09, 2006

URGENT THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY'RE TALKING LOUD ON THEIR CELLPHONES WHILE THE PLANE IS BOARDING

"I had a tuna fish sandwich in the airport. Tuna fish. Tuna fish. TUNA
FISH. Yes, right, tuna fish. But they didn't toast the bread. No, no, they
didn't toast the... THEY DIDN'T TOAST THE BREAD. Right. They didn't toast
it."

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING NICHOLAS CAGE

Rex the Runaway Lizard

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

DAILY STRUMPET

Here's the link to the NPR interview I did about strange Christmas presents and (speaking of strange Christmas presents) my new book, which you will be surprised to learn is still for sale.

WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU CAN SAY ABOUT KEVIN FEDERLINE

WHAT DAD NEEDS FOR FOOTBALL SEASON

Dad needs this.

(Thanks to Neil G.)

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Stan Miles)

November 08, 2006

ATTENTION, WEST DES MOINES SHOPPERS

Be careful.

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

GOOD DATE MOVIE

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

 
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