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November 20, 2006

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

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The next step is putting the penis's picture on milk cartons.

Are they sure it isn't a Welsh Dragon Saugsage?

"The police were called by the man who found the pen!s, which was not his penis, last Friday morning."

What, he was out pen!se hunting? I hope he finds his.

And the photo is captioned: 'A cock, yesterday.' But....*arrgghh*

"which we imagine involved knocking on people's doors and asking ' have you lost your penis?'"
Har. I miss British humor.

And "The penis, which was not attached to anybody"

Pogo: I think they quickly determined that the penis was emotionally distant.

If (1) Miami, or (2) The UK ever shut down, this blog will be hurting for wierd news...

i've never lost a penis but i have divorced a dick.

"Good Morning, Police Department. How may I help you?
Pause
"You found a what?"
Pause
"Spell that, please"
Pause
"I see. Could you describe it?"
Pause.
"How long?"
Suppressed laughter.
"Oh, I agree. Probably wasn't doing him any good anyway."
Pause.
"No, unfortunately I can't send anyone out right now. Let me transfer you to Lost and Found."
Laughter.
Disconnect.

*SNORK* @ Crossgirl!!

Police in South Africa are trying to trace the owner of a severed penis which was found lying on the ground in a village.

The penis, which was not attached to anybody,

Yes, very good. That's what severed mean. Someone give the reporter a cookie.

does anyone know the whereabouts of ms. lorena?

The burning question, though, is whether it was properly labeled. One wouldn't want a vegetarian to pick it up, thinking that it had no meat content, after all.

"Attention all eunuchs" is more like it.

CH-we vegetarians always look for an ingredients label. and i assume that there was no label on this particular penis or the owner would have already been located. of course, sometimes we just have to trust the owner to list his ingredients.

Not entirely pertinent, but inspired by CG's post:

Outside a bar, a cop noticed a man, stumbling around the parking lot. Approaching the man, he noticed he had a key out and appeared to be looking for something. The cop asked him what he was doing and the man said he was trying to find his car. The cop asked him where he had last seen it and the man said, 'last time I saw it, it was on the other end of this key.'

The cop pointed out to the man that his fly was down and the man said,'Oh jeez, now I've lost my girlfriend, too!'

They need to hire a private, um "detective". Yeah, that's the word!

was there an all-points bulletin?

i always that tattooing mr. happy was a strange idea, but maybe some kind of i.d. number wouldn't be out of place...

*snorks* for ch and cj!

Good morning all!!

*snorks* all around and I'm with ww - where's Lorena??hmm???

"Detachable Penis"... again, wbagnfa punk b

This article is brilliant from start to finish:

The penis, which was not attached to anybody, was found on the ground outside a house in the small village of Masoyi, in the Mpumalanga region of eastern South Africa.

The police were called by the man who found the penis, which was not his penis, last Friday morning.

Did the finder have to prove it wasn't his penis?

Look, here's the Oscar Meyer wiener!

I can just see the guy..."Hmmmm, It was there this morning...now where did it go?"

I would think the guy would be in a hospital or something after that kind of trauma.

It was getting more action than mine.

Authorities are urging the penis's owner to come forward. If you have lost you penis, you are advised to contact your nearest South African police station.

*wondering how many men are running around looking for their penis*

ROFL at crossgirl!

Me too!

"Initial police investigations around the neighbourhood – which we imagine involved knocking on people's doors and asking ' have you lost your penis?' – proved unsuccessful."

Anyone else get the feeling that November 20 is April Fool's Day in S. Africa?

Maybe this wasn't so much a criminal problem as an issue with medical waste disposal. Could have been a do-it-yourself gender-reassignment surgery, no?

(NTTAWWT, of course, but I would typically counsel someone to seek professional assistance with such a task...)

My brother-in-law is from South Africa, and he's always gone on about how security-conscious one must be, as anything not bolted down will be stolen.

I guess he's right!

YOu know, that is a good phrase for women. Instead of "Have you lost your mind???!", it could now be, "Have you lost your penis???!!"

Beppie, same difference.
Just sayin'

CH, are you suggesting it could have been stolen????

The Penis Thief wbagnfa new mystery novel...

insom - How great would it be for all peni, peenie, penises dicks to have bar codes??! Women could scan them "before", and the entire sexual & STD history - including "user reviews" of said dick - would appear on a digital readout, thus allowing the woman to weigh the risks and benefits of copulation!!!!

*I'm a genius!*

This is why it pays to carry a spare.

.... What?

Update:

In an apparent attempt to salvage a shred of dignity, the owner of the 3" dismembered penis has come forward and claimed that his misfortune was the gruesome result of an unfortunate accident in the shop of Mr. Magooboo, the local headshrinker.

Punkin, as a male of the masculine (and penis-possessing) variety, I'm quite sure that I do not care for your "genius" idea. Not so much for the user-review aspects (irrelevant to me), but for the "tattooing ANYTHING on my whanger" aspect.

*SNORK* @ Nebbisk!!

I don't know, CH. I've always wanted pinstripes.

Punkin, the only little problem with that is how to get the bar code on there. Do you tattoo it on there? Erect or flacid? How long (HA) of a number would it have to be?

Lots more reseach needed!

CH - These bar codes would be "applied" by painless laser at birth. Along with a chip that shocks men over 18 who do not put their dirty clothes in the hamper.

*rubs hands together like evil genius*

"I'm gonna make a billion dollars!!"

Siouxie - details, details....

*throws an 'r' up there*

How about a little 'shock' when they forget to put the toilet seat down???

*BWUAAAAHAHAHA*

See, my Mom always said men are all alike. God just gives'em different faces so we know which one to take to our house. But she didn't know about barcoding, back in the day.

"The penis, which was not attached to anybody..."

That's what they ALL say; but I'll bet it has a vagina at home...

Now, just a danged minute. This has gone too...
****BZZZZZZZZT*****
never mind. (goes back and cowers in fetal position)

Very perceptive, Betsy. Wish I'd thought of that.

Punkin' - you are truly a genius. life would be so much easier if we could just scan the i.d. code and decide whether or not to go out or just buy new batteries and stay home.

Punkin, would there also be some sort of "Reviews" section to that scan report? Coz that might be helpful, as well.

Even more disturbing was the link to a story about a man having sex with a dead deer. I don't know how that is any grosser than having sex with a live deer, however, did the penis in question have bite marks on it?

Alright you asked for it!

Well, these sort of stories certainly stymie any thought of world travel....

punkin, you are brilliant!!

Are we talking bar code like those little labels with lines and numbers, or stuff like "I think I better chug me another heap o' suds before I try and peel that tomato"?

*Blogging from me will be light as I hunker down in the R&D dept.*

oh, snork, everybody. i am, unfortunately, really bizeee at work. but this thread had me LOL. thanks you veddy much.

wasnt there one reported missing??

If you have lost you penis, you are advised to contact your nearest South African police station.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

"run the scanner over me again, baby, nothing's showing up...that's better!"

"according to your Universal Pr*** Code, you've had five girlfriends in six months and been rated as ..."oh, my god" twice , "better than Dora the Explorer" once and "two cans of cream of mushroom soup" twice.

"that last one was a computer glitch...i think"

"well, ...good enough for me!" *unzip*

"do you have any coupons today?"

*snork* @ insom!

any cash back option with that, sir???

i'm waiting for the two for one deal.

Watch out, insom - if you go over your limit, we have to cancel your account.

insom--paper or plastic? ;-)

or. rather, sheepskin or latex?

Tattoos on penii (or the concept, at least) always reminds me of the old joke punchline: Joe's Bar and Grill, Albuquerque, New Mexico -- Where the Elite Meet to Eat!

HOWever, I do have a guess as to the "source" of that penial member that appeared as out of nowhere ... It's not a man's penal item ... it's actually the one (formerly once belongin' to a Mule Deer) that wuz shot off by a deer hunter a week ago in Nodak ... it merely tooken it that long to land that far away ...

OU, does that make the dear mule deer numero uno?

Well, PB ... in the sense that this wuz the first time I ever shot the genitalia off of NEthin' ... yeah, that'd be the numero uno time it happened ... tho I did hear that another Nodak hunter did the same trick, on the same weekend ... I, personally, wuz merely somewhut pleased that I missed a Texas Heart Shot by about six inches ...

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