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September 22, 2006

WOULD YOUR HUSBAND CHEAT?

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

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Hahahahahaha.

In my family, I'm the one who remembers the date.

She's responsible for remembering all of the details of the day, though.

"Interestingly, the response has been mixed, and while you might think women, who are often portrayed in film and television as being let down by their mates on anniversaries, are not as amused by the idea as their counterparts."

Why would he need this when he has me to start bugging him 7 days before the event? 24 hours is not enough time to plan anything!

Many years ago (about 1990, I think) I actually forgot my wife's birthday. A lady at worked casually asked me "What did you get your wife for her birthday?" (Amazing how WOMEN can remenber these things). So I stopped at a K-Mart on the way home and got her a box of chocolates and a card, so I didn't look like a complete fool - or did I?

What do you think, would it have been better to 'fess up and take her out for an nice evening, or show up with a really crummy gift?

Ladies?

admit it and set up a fantastic "make up" date and never ever ever ever forget again!

I hope it's reprogrammable.

stevie w - cold, but true.

Wouldn't a guy, if that thing is heating up every hour, after a while just take it off?
"Uh, honey, don't get mad but, I lost my wedding ring."
"On our anniversary??!!"
"So THAT'S what I was supposed to remember."

men!,it's only a matter of time before we have...

-underwear which gives a shock to the nards when the garbage has to be taken out

-a wristwatch that cuts off blood flow when the grass needs cutting

- a refrigerator that won't open if there are dirty dishes in the sink

soon we'll all be as twitchy as Alex in A Clockwork Orange

insom - have you copyrighted any of those ideas yet?

I want a door handle that gives a powerful eletric shock if there are clothes lying on the floor.

insom - don't you have some laundry to fold or something?

*throws a "c" up at her last post*

Also, a kitchen cabinet that only opens once a week, so he stops eating so much sugary cr@p.

And a secret button I can hide somewhere that, when pressed, makes a screen saying "Technical difficulties - please stand by" appear on the TV.

No more Rambo, part IVIX, and other masterpieces of the genre.

Send me $800 and your anniversary date and I'll call you the day before. Heck, I'll do it for $500.

I had a firey reminder of a girlfriend once but it wasnt on my finger....

annie - yes, dear...

This brings up an interesting looming question for me.

Next year will be our 20th anniversary, and while I'd really love to do something extravagant, like a weekend in Paris, I do still live in the real world.

We are obligated to go to a family reunion next year, too, so vacation time & travel budget will be generally shot.

Anyone have an outrageously romantic and creative idea?

I always try to have my mistress remind me of stuff like that.

Ooh ooh - Clean Hands - hide one of those "electrosol clean rinse" tablets in her favorite cereal, so she just finds it as a surprise that morning.

I hear they really do make your dishes imperceptibly cleaner.

Clean - send the kids away for a long weekend and stay home! Relaxing, inexpensive and comfortable...

I'm not sure that's helpful, especially coming from someone whose wife has to remind him of the mistress's birthday.

Anyone have an outrageously romantic and creative idea?
=====
Yeah. Consult a world-wide bunch of anonymous bloggers of indeterminate taste and morality and make sure you tell her where you got the idea.

(kidding ch - have a great one)

Well CH sometimes my parents like to get away for a weekend to a bed and breakfast or go to a lodge in the nearby state park...depending on the time of year it can be really beautiful.

speaking of needing ideas for things--I have a co-worker who likes to throw paper wads at me from across the room. Sometimes I throw back, but I'm a terrible shot, and I don't have a good angle of attack over his cubicle wall either. So I keep telling him that my day of retributive wrath is coming, but I need a REALLY good prank of some kind.
Ideas??

I did a bed and breakfast on the coast for our 10th. It was an unmitigated disaster -- the place was all doilies and froo-froo, which appeals to neither of us. :-)

A lodge at a state park might be nice for this year, though.

Oh, ho, ho! Now THAT I can help you with, Betsi.

Do your working hours and his line up exactly? Can you get there before he does in the morning, or stay after he leaves in the evening?

I have an hour after he leaves to work my magic.

Betsi - Tie one of those pull-string poppers to his chair underneath his desk before he gets to the office. When he pulls the chair back, "BAM!"

Should give him a good startle.

A pull-string popper? like one of those things at New Year's that looks like a little champagne bottle?

And he works in a cubicle?

How many balloons can you blow up in one hour, without fainting?

And there's always this classic. Be careful with outlets - aluminum is conductive. ;)

The Remember Ring is a wedding band with some high-tech innards that heats up to give the wearer a burning reminder about the special day about 24 hours before it arrives.

Just how hot does this get? I hope those "high-tech innards" don't have a little over-voltage bug or it could get exciting!

Burning Reminder WBAGNFARB or, hey!, Rock Burning Reminders... but that sounds vaguely familiar.

Betsi - Yeah. One of those.

well CH..I might be able to get help from a couple of people who are in the office as late as I am... ;-)

the bottle might be a nice start. cheap and effective. Then I could work my way up to the balloons.

One of the girls is leaving the office in about two weeks, and I'm sure she'd help me out if I asked.

In the interest of saving time, Betsi, how about you get a copy of your co-worker's key and send it to Clean Hands so that he can use this guy's place for a romantic getaway with the wife?

Thus, we get a prank on the co-worker and upgrade Clean Hands anniversary to at least a mitigated disaster.

lol

Brainy, that's awesome.

Betsi, another one that's just too much fun is to either very carefully turn everything in his cube upside down, OR carefully suspend it all with fishing line from the ceiling.

(CAUTION: The average hanging ceiling cannot safely hold the weight of a desk, a chair, a monitor, or even a largish PC. The use of a HILTI™ gun may be necessary to accomodate these items.)

How many balloons can you blow up in one hour, without fainting?

Gosh, I guess about three. Oh, without fainting. Thought you said farting.

Why would he need this when he has me to start bugging him 7 days before the event? 24 hours is not enough time to plan anything!

Posted by: 24 | 04:38 PM on September 22, 2006

I'm sorry 24, btu I have to take issue with this. With a screenname like yours you should KNOW better! Jack Bauer could have Chloe hack into a mainframe of the BUSIEST, nicest restaurant and slip in a reservation for the nicest table, charging it to someone else's credit card. And that's only in the first 15 minutes! He can do SO much more!

Excuse me while I go look for reality.

Hm, C-bol. Co-worker's probably got doilies and crap all over the place, too.

Betsi-
Try ever so slightly pulling out the plugs on his keyboard and/or mouse--so they're still in the right hole but not actually connected. You could buy a realistic looking fake mouse or rat and leave it in his drawer. Or loosen the arms on his task chair.
Not that I've EVER tried any of these. I'm perfectly innocent.

*snork* @ C-bol.

Steal his mouseball. Replace it with a gumball.

Someone did that to me, once. Evil, evil. But he got his.

It took a whole bag of rubber bands, but he got his, oh yes.

heh, at first i thought it was "farting" too

(If he uses one of those fancy laser mice, a little spot of tape over the laser is good for minutes of fun!)

What, do you people have flatulence on the brain?

hang on ill go check (he's in a meeting)

Bring the tape with you.

Betsi,

I know a GREAT office joke.

You'll need:

A good stapler; three eggs; the magna carta; a dwarf suffering from left nipple gigantism; a bottle of decent vodka; a tenor (check with the dwarf, he may be able to handle both parts); ninja turtles lunchbox; four wooden matches.

Let me know how soon you can pull that together, and I'll check on how quickly I can ship you a trebuchet.

*SNORK* @ C-bol, AGAIN.

I think they're all in the trunk of my Toyota, C-bol, let me just get the dwarf to do his vocal warm-ups and we'll be all set.

Give him a snort of the vodka, Betsi - that should settle him down.

Betsi - oh, my - I have found my home. I've done both the exploding popper trick AND the fake mouse. Both are excellent. For the mouse, get a furry one - the plastic ones aren't realistic enough. Tie it to some fishing line, put it under some papers on his desk, run the line forward under the front of his desk and tie it to his chair, so that when he comes in and pulls his chair out to sit down, the mousie scurries across his desk.

I've also tied the exploding popper to a laptop case, so when he picks up the case to pack up to go home, it goes off.

Make sure you don't give the cleaning crew a heart attack.

oh, i wasn't supposed to drink the vodka? crap.

Oooh - tape. That reminds me - you can put a little piece of Scotch (transparent) tape over phone's "ear" holes. If you do it carefully, it's invisible and the person on the other end hears and talks just fine.

ooh, good call about the cleaning guy AWBH...I'll have to work around that.

Brainy - vaseline on the earpiece is good, too.

If you have really old phones, you can unscrew the "ear" end and pop out the speaker. Or was it the other way around?

AWBH, Vaseline nearly anywhere is good for intercubicle warfare.

Ya know, at this point I'd be happy to get a box of chocolates from K-mART -- I didn't get divorced expecting nothing! Sorry, but I've been imbibing the milk...

CH - Since you are in Oregon you could try the B&B idea once again if you like books. Check out the Sylvia Beach Hotel. Just don't stay in the Colette room if you don't like froo-froo. How 'bout the Edgar Allan Poe room complete with stuffed raven (The Raven), pendulum dangling over the bed (The Pit and the Pendulum") and a bricked up closet (The Cask of Amontillado)?

The food is wonderful - dinner is extra and you have to let them know the afternoon before dinner - as are the people. There's a reading room at the top of the building overlooking the ocean.

That's all assuming that the Sylvia Beach Hotel isn't the one you thought was too froo-froo.

Newport is fun, too.

Betsi,
Go to thinkgeek.com, click on "geek toys", drop down to "cube warfare", and you'll find all sorts of stuff. I particularly like the airzooka, marshmallow shooter, rubberband shooter,etc. (I don't actually own any of these, but they look fun)

If he has a dark cloth chair, you can pour some water on it. When he comes back, he'll sit right down in the puddle.

Hey, great idea, Scott - thanks!!

Oh, the old giving the dwarf his vocal warm-ups eh.

If that's not a euphemism for something, well, it ought to be.

Don't get the ping pong ball shooter, it's too loud.
(Man, I could write a book on this stuff.)

I can vouch for the airzooka - those things are downright shocking, if you're not expecting it.

Particularly good for short skir- huh? Oh, uh, nothing.

wow flash, those are cool! he'd probably love one of those air thingies, he's always playing with the air-cleaner cans...but i won't tell him...

C-bol, did you see the mini trebuchet??

Stupid statute of limitations. *grumble, grumble*

CH - We were up there last month for my cousin's wedding and stopped by the Sylvia Beach Hotel on the way home. Still fun after 19 years. Same people running it. They also run the Rimsky-Korsakoffee House in Portland - live music every night (I think) and every table decorated after a different composer.

Did y'all see the airzooka fitted with a laser sight? Now that's some serious intimidation.

Clean - if there's a local college with a choir you can get an a cappella(sp?) group to come serenade your wife with your wedding song at an outdoor table at your favorite restaurant.

Of course, they don't have to be from a college choir, it just seems like there's always a group like that available for parties when you have a college choir. It may be part of the war on terror, for all I know.

Anyway, they'd likely be cheap, or even free once they hear your story.

Oh, yeah, linky thing.

Now that's not a bad idea at all, C-bol. Can an a cappella group perform Handel's Watermusic?

Betsi, don't be fooled by the mini trebuchet. Remember, if it can't launch the dwarf high enough over your co-worker as he tries to steal the vodka out of the ninja turtles lunchbox, he'll never get all three eggs thrown in time to staple his cheek to his desk and light his shoes on fire.

Airzooka with a laser - perfect! He'll see the red light, then feel the hit, and no messy evidence to clean up.

big snork

C-bol, that's not intercubicle warfare, that's intercubicle terrorism.

Hmmm...Handel's Watermusic may be more up Bobby McFerin's alley. But judging by the way his career is going, he's probably just as available and cheap!

Exactly, Annie. I *like* it! It's almost enough to make me wish I worked in a larger office, where my colleagues wouldn't have heart attacks if I pulled this on them.

My youngest daughter got one of those air cannon - okay, so she "talked" me into it - and it is a lot of fun but, yes, very loud. Sadly, the laser site wasn't an option but, on the up-side it only cost $10 at Fry's. She seems to have lost interest in it since I requested that she no longer use it on the cats. I only use it on human family members.

Listening to it now (God, I love my new iPod!!!), it sounds as if it might be possible to get an arrangement for strings, at least for enough of it to make the point.

Getting an entire orchestra into my favorite restaurant wouldn't be such a friendly thing.

Oh, cats. Yes.

Squirrels, too.

And chickens.

*giggling uncontrollably, getting out credit card...*

It only seems like terrorism, Clean. Remember, there's the left nipple gigantism, which always goes a long way towards making peace.

Plus don't forget the tenor. When he brings it home with a big band version of MC Hammer's Can't Touch This, well, the whole office will bond in a way that I don't think it is an exaggeration to call unimaginable.

I had overlooked those, C-bol. Excellent point.

i can only snork, i have nothing more to contribute...

Re: actual thread topic - that's why we got married on 08/08/88. Makes it easy to remember

Betsi

A few more for your onslaught:

Open up the Control Panel and switch his mouse to 'Left-Handed'.

Instead of just trying to get the connectors for his keyboard / mouse / phone / anything else you can think of to be loose, put a small bit of tape over the contacts and then plug them firmly back in.

At my office our 'guest chairs' are actually 2-drawer cabinets with padded tops. They're on rollers so you can pull them out for your guest to sit on. They all look the same. This means you can easily swap someone else's with an empty one from another cube.

Depending how close he sits to you / people you like, buy him a hamburger. To make sure no one steals it tape the bag up under his desk. Don't worry if you forget to tell him about - he'll figure it out in a week or six.

I could do more but it's time to flee for home.

A can of tunafish (in oil - not springwater; water evaporates too quickly) taped under the desk is also VERY effective.

I've got to run, too - have a great weekend!!

night CH! and thanks!

Oh, and don't forget the old stand-by, a bear trap right outside his cubicle.

Be advised, this one falls outside the "flirtatious" warfare arena. Unless he's a supa-kinksta.

I think I just figured out why I'm single....sigh.

Betsi, if your coworker is using Windows XP (and aren't they all!) you can do this: Click on the desktop portion of the screen, not one of the applications, and do Ctrl-Alt-DownArrow. That should flip the screen upside down. The left and right arrows do similar things. Ctrl-Alt-UpArrow will put things right again, if/when you want to help him out.

You could use the left and right tilts to help him balance his political views.

Annie - Why?

(Remember, I'm the blogchick's lapdog. Don't hesitate to call on my services. )

ooh Scott...that is freaky! and cool!

Annie, forego the bear trap, please.

Betsi - Enjoy!

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