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September 22, 2006

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I are now in (we think) Denver, having departed very, very early this morning from (we think) Phoenix, where for some reason I was singled out by security personnel for a near-colonoscopic level of scrutiny. A TSA guy spent a lot of time going through my luggage, at one point removing and examining my Peter Pan hat. (Yes, I travel with a Peter Pan hat. I also have pirate-style eyepatches.) When he was finally done, he put my suitcase down on the table and told me I could go. So I  picked up my suitcase, and watched with an “It’s 5:15 a.m. and I have not had coffee” expression as the all of the contents, including my lone remaining clean undershorts, spilled out onto the friendly hygienic airport floor. It turns out that -- air travelers, take note –- the TSA personnel UNzip your suitcase, but they do not REzip your suitcase.

I have said this before, but I will say it again: If we ever catch Osama bin Laden, the way to punish him his not to kill or torture him. The way to punish him is to make him go through airport security. (“Today, Osama, you are going to fly from Mobile, Alabama, to Portland, Oregon, via several connecting flights.” “No! Please! Send me to Guantanamo!”)

I am mildly concerned about my deodorant. As I stated in an earlier blog post, airport security personnel in (I think) Los Angeles took away my deodorant, because it was a gel, which is the terrorist kind of deodorant. So I had to buy a new deodorant in Phoenix, and the only one I could find that was made of a non-terrorist stick substance was “Secret” brand deodorant, which Ridley has informed me is a girl deodorant. Maybe that’s why they singled me out for security at the Phoenix airport (“Bob, we have a suspect here carrying a girl deodorant and a Peter Pan hat.”) I will try to post a CrapCam photo of my deodorant later on, so you can tell me if it is sufficiently manly, or if I should get a new one, or what.

Anyway, as I say, Ridley and I now believe we are in Denver, which by the way is approximately 600 degrees below zero today. We are very much looking forward to doing whatever it is that we are supposed to be doing here.

Comments

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osama bin smellin'?

If it's that cold, perhaps you can get away witrh skipping the "baby powder"-scented deodorant?

Dave, it is scented or non-scented??

strong enough for a man...but made for a woman Dave....dont you know that jingle?

Rats. Cold in my office this morning; fingers aren't working so well. Brain's not, either.

Coffee's warm - I think I'll go get some more.

Denver is 600 degrees above sea level, too.

Could Ridley have had something to do with you being singled out? Maybe in retaliation for the toothpaste?

thanks for the strumpdate, I just snorked all over the place thinking of what kind of "games" that the TSA colonoscopy team must think that you and Ridley play with your girly deodorant and pirate hats.

woohoo!!!!!!!

FWIW, I would think that Osama would be glad to get out of Mobile, where they're liable to want to do a weinie roast of some sort with him, in favor of Portland, where he'd probably get a more polite reception.

Most definetly a girl deodorant. I just hope it is not the sparkly kind. (That's a dead give away.)

I thought it was, Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman!

Oh yeah, then they figured out that no one cared about pH balances, so they changed it to: Strong enough for a man, especially if that man has a vagina!.

So, no worries, Dave.

I think Denver should have 'manly-type' deodorants like BRUT or AXE or JAVA (which could double up for a shot of caffeine if inhaled)...

That explains that pic of Dave and Ridley with Peter Pan and Captain Hook from a few weeks ago.

I thought Axe was for K-Fed-type "men." That's what I get from their advertising, at least.

C-bol, you're giving me stomach cramps.

CH, but K-Fed is so IN right now...

Much to my shame, I will not be able to attend tonight's strumpfest at the Tattered Cover. If anyone is willing to cover for me, I can tell you where to find a little stuffed buffalo still have industrial sized bandages left over from the Remainders' gig would be most appreciative.

Personal to Ridley: I promise I won't be on your flight out of Denver tomorrow, unlike last time.

(“Today, Osama, you are going to fly from Mobile, Alabama, to Portland, Oregon, via several connecting flights.”)


Osama! Can this be the end?
To be stuck outside of Mobile with those TSA's again.

...I also have pirate-style eyepatches?

Eyepatches? Plural?

Dave, you really only ever need one patch (the one that matches blue shirts). Using more than one is probably the reason you're having a hard time knowing what city you're in.

That brand wouldn't be the one with the French Wh... perfum?

Maybe that's what set off the "LOOK HERE --------->" TSA detector?

Male Inspecter #1:sniff Hum, something smells familiar.

Male Inspecter #2: Suppose it's coming from over there?

Female Inspecter #1: HEY! Quit looking at me like that!

Male Inspecter #1: Ah, sir? (?) Could you step over here for a Full Body and Bag Screening?

Don't forget the blacklight.

Be careful, Dave. Peter Pan hat...that's OK. Girl's deodorant.... Ok, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman, that'll pass.

If the TSA grabs your pants on the next flight, and you have to resort to tights, then I strongly suggest finding something else, including a manly kilt, because you could end up like this person.

And no one wants that.

600 degrees below zero?

Someone should apologize for that.

Guess it's a good thing that you & Ridley decided to write about Peter Pan. Can you imagine what the TSA would have done to you, if you had props in your bag for books about Aladdin? That turban probably would have been tops on their hit parade...

Does the seven second rule apply to undershorts?

"where for some reason I was singled out by security personnel for a near-colonoscopic level of scrutiny...

I hope they at least bought you dinner, Dave...

No tights - that is soooooo wrong

brainy: sometimes evil pirate children steal his eyepatches, so he has to have more than one.

"Does the seven second rule apply to undershorts?"

EC, you've never known any bachelors, have you?

I guess they took away your crayons at the other arport, Dave. that's why you were carrying mascara. right dave?

wooo hooo...a triple simul with the s.b. and wench...not too shabby!

estrogen, I think as long as it doesn't stick to the floor or to a wall, it's OK with men...

(they're kinda icky, ya know?)

Judi is the sb? Why? Not the ls?

Are any of us Western bloggers going to make it tonight? It'll be kind of a challenge, but I could be there. Dang it, Wyo, I was going to ask if we could car pool, as I'm kinda on your way.

No tights, what shocks me is that nearly 9 million people have viewed that Web site. Shocked and awed I am.

to "No tights for me thanks" -
that was without a doubt the scariest website I've ever seen.

and thanks whomever up there posted a link to Ridley's website.... what do y'all say we run over there and take that one over, now that we've demolished this one?

At least you and Ridley arent in Ketchikan Alaska where at the air port they make you take off your shoes and socks then wand your bare feet to see if your had every bone in your foot replaced by a bomb. I wish I was making this up but I am not.

Little Kid 1: Let's take his eye patches!

Little Kid 2: What if we get caught?

LK1: Did you smell his deoderant?

LK2: Good point. Let's grab the crapcam too!

isn't it the 5 second rule?

I like Ketchikan. Zip code 99901, as I recall. I think that's what I liked about it.

Sounds like they're so busy looking at pretty girls' feet that the name should be Ketchican't.

That guy in the "no tights" link was pretty weird, and he lives in Tampa, that's just great, why do we have so many freaks here? lol

Okay, and Dave, if I do make it up there tonight, promise not to laugh at me. You see, I'm getting ready to go visit my publisher for a photo shoot for my next book, and I wanted to look nice, and so I went to the hairdresser yesterday to have the gray in my hair taken care of. Apparently the solution the hair dresser came up with was to dump a bucket of ink on my head, and so now I look like my 9th grade science teacher who used industrial strength hair color in the fetching shade called "Tar" and when he sweated the black streaks would run down his face, and oh, dear. What is really sad is that my head won't even be in most of the photos because its an art book, and the shots are of my hands. Next week I'll get my nails done (shudders).

where for some reason I was singled out by security personnel for a near-colonoscopic level of scrutiny...

I heard that they started using gloves now for the body cavity searches. I just wish they would warm the gel.

Oh, and *snork* at Siouxie for buying dinner. They do, but you have to pay a $25 fee for guaranteed reservations.

Someday this strumpfest too shall pass and normality (such as it is) shall return. Until then, I guess you'll have to deal with bored yet overworked TSA guys who sometimes need a little fun.

Dave-Two words...Ziploc baggies. If you put your stuff in Ziploc baggies I believe airport personnel can view the contents without having to touch anything. Also then, if your unmentionables fall on the floor they will remain hygienic.

Of course, I have not checked to see if Ziploc baggies are on the list of things you can't take on a plane. So if they have been added to the list, just forget what I said.

Whoo, hooo! Dave's gonna be going commando soon! That, plus the girly deodorant and eyepatch, will gain him entree into any gay bar of his choice. NTTAWWT.

secret...strong enough for a pan, but made-do by a blogger?

Quoting from the 9News website concerning today's weather in Colorado:

"Still snowing in the high country where a WINTER STORM WARNING will remain in effect for the higher elevations of the northern mountains until tomorrow morning. Don't forget the SNOW and BLOWING SNOW ADVISORY too. Most reports show icy and snow packed roads over the higher mountain passes, while gray skies and light snow falls in the high country valleys. It's clouds and chilly conditions for the eastern plains today as this next storm system moves through the area. Highs in the east will mainly be in the 50s. Tonight will feature a rain and snow mix for the front range, but no real accumulation is expected for metro Denver."

See, this is tame stuff for us locals, but quite nippy for south Florida types.

Sorry about the weather, Dave. But ask Ridley about ice storms. After he's done, this will seem downright hospitable.

Art - It is actually the 10 second rule.

Fine dining is where it becomes the 5 second rule.

I only wish I was kidding.

Clean Hands - Nine million and one. *shudders*

Can ya'll believe that guy is 52???? 52??? TOO freakin creepy in a Michael Jackson kinda way...ugh!!

hey brainy.

love your profile page.

very informative.

Hey guys, the reason Miss Pan has had so many hits to his/her/it's (NTTAWWT)web site is because about once a year, one of us post a link to it. Once you visit that site, it's like a car wreck...you just have to keep looking. Then you tell your friends and they have to look.

yeah i wouldn't be surprised if he's on the sex offender list

Wow, just went back and looked again. Peter has added a lot of stuff to his site. Take a look at the "out and about" pics. These people are everywhere I tell ya. I blame global warming! NTTAWWT.

No tights for me thanks ...i havent seen that peter pan "guy"'s link in a while

thanks for the little bit I threw up in my mouth...

I think someone's cat has objections to that site.

packs - I have a profile page?

Totally creeped out by the peter pan guy/girl/whatever (NTTAWWT).

FWIW, my dad has this compulsion to buy things on sale, or that he has a coupon for. I have gone to visit him, and I forgot my deordorant and he pulled out a shoebox full of girly deodorants. I was too scared to ask if he uses them. But seriously Dave, I'm sure Denver has a few stores there and you can pick up some Speed Stick. Much more manly. I think they even have travel sizes.

"Whoo, hooo! Dave's gonna be going commando soon! That, plus the girly deodorant and eyepatch, will gain him entree into any gay bar of his choice. NTTAWWT."

Snork at Suzy!

What a hoot!

Miss C

Work is actually making me work today. *pout*

Dead people sure can cause a lot of paperwork.

Hope to rejoin the Blogtivities soon.

Don't forget me!!!!!!!!! (Pretend I'm propped up in the corner - just keep feeding me blogaritas - it'll be like I'm THERE!)

Don't sweat the searches, Dave. But, if you hear that tell-tale *snap* of a latex glove behind you, be afraid...be very afraid...

wait...I think Dave uncoverd something today...Osama Bin Laden gets around without a trace because he doesnt carry deodorant OR tothpaste...making him virtually undetectable at airports


Punkin: Welcome to my world. Every Tue-Fri, The Airport Job gets in the way of blogtivities for me. And now, tonight, a Strumpfest as well.

Sometimes I really resent having to feed my family. This is one of those times.

Oh, well -- artchick, I hope you make it to the event. As for me, I'm off. I am also going to work.

Major snorkage at Peter Pan! I've got the whole office obsessed with him/her now. His/her friends are even scarier than he/she is(NTTAWWT).

People sure are amazing.

I think I'm going to have to see what the weather looks like. that highway is a deathtrap anyway, and if you add night and wet into the equation, I don't like my chances!

well i know what the Blog is getting for christmas THIS year ;)

some manly non-gel deodorant, judi??

Dave,
The question that no one dared to ask, but everyone wants to know: Is the Blue Shirt ok???

New RBR Song

Dave "Booger" Guthrie

Coming in from Phoenix
Into Denver (we think)
Flying in a big airliner
Took all our speedstick before we hit the plane
Could we ever smell much finer?

Coming into Denver (we think)
Wearin' girl deodorant so we stink
Don't touch my bags if you please
Mister Customs Man

There's a guy with a ticket to Florida
Wearing Secret though we think he's a man
Walking to the gate with his eye patch and hat
Smiling, said he was Peter Pan

Coming up to security
For colonoscopic scru-u-tiny
Zip up my bags won't you please
Mister Customs Man

Last pair of undies on the airport floor
Ripping on the escalator
There's a woman in the line
And she's blowing Ridley's mind
Thinking that he's already made her

Yeah I'm Coming up to security
For colonoscopic scru-u-tiny
Zip up my bags won't you please
Mister Customs Man

Coming in from Phoenix
Into Denver (we think)
Flying in a big airliner
Took all our speedstick before we hit the plane
Could we ever smell much finer?

Yeah we're coming into Denver (we think)
Wearin' girl deodorant so we stink
Don't touch my bags if you please
Mister Customs Man

Hey Dave, there's a bar in Denver called the Rockbottom Brewery-think they give a discount for Remainders? I think its on 15th street.

Dave-
To help you out a bit, there was a recent article in the St. Paul Pioneer Press discussing various types of deoderant with an expert (TM thingie) and HE said that the best deoderant, for anyone, is Secret, and that he uses it everyday. So, you're not a girly-man.

Well, after that last airport security check, I think the last thing you need to worry about is smelling manly.

Sorry thst I didn't get back in the fray, but I had to work today also. And, I'm leaving momnetarily.

stevie w - actually, most of my friends are married men... you can draw whatever conclusions you want to fit your imagination!

Dave, I use the Secret™ brand of unscented deodorant and it does just fine. You just need to be secure in your masculinity....or have given up all together.

I remember the rush of glee when they got one of my 90-yr-old Mom's nail scissors, but missed her other pair. Speaking of funny, health can be. Check my health humor site: http://healthsass.blogspot.com. I am Health's Ass. We all are, really.

Way late to the game here, but thank you Dave, and everyone else, for making me spew coffee. You have also ruined my eye makeup, which is currently running down my face, and I'm just a little bit p!ssed off about that.

*snorkarama*

I wish I knew you were in Phoenix, where is your schedule posted, on Myspace?

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