Ridley and I are now in (we think) Denver, having departed very, very early this morning from (we think) Phoenix, where for some reason I was singled out by security personnel for a near-colonoscopic level of scrutiny. A TSA guy spent a lot of time going through my luggage, at one point removing and examining my Peter Pan hat. (Yes, I travel with a Peter Pan hat. I also have pirate-style eyepatches.) When he was finally done, he put my suitcase down on the table and told me I could go. So I picked up my suitcase, and watched with an “It’s 5:15 a.m. and I have not had coffee” expression as the all of the contents, including my lone remaining clean undershorts, spilled out onto the friendly hygienic airport floor. It turns out that -- air travelers, take note –- the TSA personnel UNzip your suitcase, but they do not REzip your suitcase.
I have said this before, but I will say it again: If we ever catch Osama bin Laden, the way to punish him his not to kill or torture him. The way to punish him is to make him go through airport security. (“Today, Osama, you are going to fly from Mobile, Alabama, to Portland, Oregon, via several connecting flights.” “No! Please! Send me to Guantanamo!”)
I am mildly concerned about my deodorant. As I stated in an earlier blog post, airport security personnel in (I think) Los Angeles took away my deodorant, because it was a gel, which is the terrorist kind of deodorant. So I had to buy a new deodorant in Phoenix, and the only one I could find that was made of a non-terrorist stick substance was “Secret” brand deodorant, which Ridley has informed me is a girl deodorant. Maybe that’s why they singled me out for security at the Phoenix airport (“Bob, we have a suspect here carrying a girl deodorant and a Peter Pan hat.”) I will try to post a CrapCam photo of my deodorant later on, so you can tell me if it is sufficiently manly, or if I should get a new one, or what.
Anyway, as I say, Ridley and I now believe we are in Denver, which by the way is approximately 600 degrees below zero today. We are very much looking forward to doing whatever it is that we are supposed to be doing here.