Dave Barry's Blog

HUH

(Thanks to Steven M. Wells) (attorney at law) (as opposed to, for example, at large)

HOLY WAYNE SMOKES

This is disturbing.

(Thanks to Paul A. Sands)

URGENT BREAKING CHESS SCANDAL FROM SEVERAL DAYS AGO

Toiletgate!

(Thanks to Justin)

WHEW

Some alpaca's breathing a sigh of relief tonight.

(Thanks to Brian Young)

HERE WE GO AGAIN

(Thanks to queensbee)

SPEAKING OF HAMSTERS

Here's a productivity enhamster. This blog cannot figure out how to line the hamster up with the pillow, so our hamsters keep splatting to the ground. This is fine with us.

(Thanks to Ian Woollard)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY AIR TRAVELERS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CARRY SNAKES

Hamster on a Plane

(Thanks to Mary K. Gibbons)

UPDATE (thanks to Gretchen DeJarnett): What the hell is going on?

SNAKES-ALL-OVER-A-HOUSE, THE SEQUEL

Just stay the hell out of Idaho, is our advice.

(Thanks to Brian Davidson)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR

The Cross-Dressing Ethnic-Game Cheats!

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

DOES FISHING CAUSE BRAIN MALFUNCTION?

We link; you decide.

(Thanks to Paul Erickson)

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

Here's a special item for the pathetic aging geek Star Trek fan on your list.

(Via Gizmodo)

UPDATE: SNAKE-ON-A-(NOUN)

Here's another one. This blog is way too lazy to register, but we have the basic elements of the story, which happen to be the three basic elements of a classical Greek tragedy: (1) A snake; (2) A toilet; (3) Canada.

HERE'S WHAT WE SAY ABOUT HOMELAND SECURITY

We say get Dick Cheney out of his Secret Hiding Place and send him and his shotgun to Mountain View, Calif.

(Thanks to many concerned individuals)

NEXT TARGET: THE MOTHRA OF ODORS

An important science breakthrough.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

READING RECORD UPDATE

I'm back from Orlando, where Ridley and I went yesterday to join with Florida middle-school students in trying to break a world reading record. We also got to talk to some students and mentor them about writing. In this photo, I am explaining the correct use of the semicolon, and Ridley is demonstrating how writers should protect themselves if they encounter literary critics.

WE PROBABLY AGREE...OR NOT

(Thanks to Ken Royce)

MULTI-TASKER

Thy name is Blog.

(Thanks to Elizabeth)

WHILE WE'RE IN STRUMPETING MODE

Mark your calendars for the Hunt, too, why dontcha?

WE SEE THAT THE BLOG HAS FOUND TIME IN HIS BUSY SCHEDULE TO BLOG ABOUT TOILETS AND EXPLODING COWS

And he and Ridley got a few minutes of reading in, with important men wearing suits:

Meanwhile, the s.b. observed the mayor warming up the crowd in Cooper City:

 

(Thanks to Mrs. Corbiere for the photo)

UPDATE: For those who missed the webcast, click "Broadcast" under Breaking a World Record, here.

ADVISORY TO EVERYONE WHO, FOR WHATEVER REASON, USES TOILETS

Watch out.

SPEAKING OF EXPLODING THINGS: The cow debate continues to rage.

BLOGGING WILL BE LIGHT TODAY

As The Blog and The Mustache meet with the Governor to Just Read. Be there or be somewhere other than a Florida middle school.

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Judy C.)

UH-OH

(Thanks to jazzzz)

ATTENTION, LADIES

If you start practicing now, you should have your "Oh, my goodness, that certainly is unexpected and fascinating!" face ready by the time your significant other mentions this newsflash.

(Thanks to Chaz)

THERE IS A SEASON

There's a new box set of Byrds songs out, and here's a nice story on Roger McGuinn, who sometimes plays with the Rock Bottom Remainders, which makes us feel (and sound) a whole lot better.

FASCISM CREEPS INTO THAILAND

Now they are taking away the basic human right to go-go-dance near tanks.

(Thanks to Chaz Schlueter)

FLORIDA LAW ENFORCEMENT: COMMENDABLE INVESTIGATIVE WORK

Because you can't be sure for the first 91 times.

(Thanks to Chaz)

TRAVELING TO MIAMI

It's fraught with peril.

(Thanks again to Lee "Gainfully Employed? You Betcha!" Allen)

GOOD NEWS FOR GOATS

You can be baaaaad¹ and it won't go on your permanent record.

(Thanks to the male Claire Martin, Lee Allen)

¹Sorry.

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Summer Branum)

WHAT DO THEY CALL IT

...When the perp pretends to be the victim?

(Thanks to Guin)

UPDATE: As if we needed more evidence.

(Thanks to Flash Sheridan)

READING IS FUN-DAMENTAL

The Webcast

(Get the scoop on the event at JustReadFlorida.com)

HEADING DOWN THE ATLANTA UTAHAHAH HIGHWAY

If you see a faded sign at the side of the road
That says 15 miles to the Love Sac! Love Sac yeah yeah

Be careful.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

SNAKES ON PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING

Here is more from the KIFI Local News 8 Team, which remains perky in the face of the mass snake-itude.

A CALL TO ACTION

This blog is shocked, shocked, to learn (thanks to Claire Martin) that the Wikipedia entry on Exploding Cow is being considered for deletion. Is that wise? Do we really want our children, and our children's children (assuming our children have children, which they better not) to be deprived of reliable information about this topic, so that they have to learn about it on the street, the way we did? This blog thinks not. This blog is calling on everyone reading this blog to do whatever it is that needs to be done. As Abraham Lincoln Albert Einstein Raymond Burr a great man once said, "All that it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to sit around on their butts doing nothing when the Wikipedia Exploding Cow entry is being considered for deletion."

UPDATE: Wow, Wikipedia is fast. This blog's position on the Exploding Cow deletion issue has already been noted. We think the US Tax Code should be written by Wikipedia.
 

WELL, IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE

No, wait, come to think of it, it couldn't have.

(Thanks to Elon Weintraub)

HUH STORY OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IF HE HAD BEEN CARRYING DEODORANT, HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IN REAL TROUBLE

"I have monkeys in my pants."

(Thanks to Clean Hands)

FASHION UPDATE

Student designer creates Charmin charming dress.

SQUIRREL AWARENESS WEEK

(Thanks to Rand)

Oh yes, we're aware, all right.

IT'S GOOD TO BE THE PRINCE

(Thanks to Otterboy)

FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T HEARD

Mark your calendars and get ready to read along. (Why not? You're 12 years old, and you know it.)

"Governor Bush announced that our middle school students will also move forward to break a reading record through Guinness World Records™ entitled Most People Reading Aloud Simultaneously at Multiple Locations. The record breaking event is scheduled for 11:00 am EDT on Thursday, September 28, 2006. Students will read an excerpt from Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson."

24 MINIMALIST EDITION

Jack. Audrey. Edgar.

Steve.

IT WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

ATTENTION, AL GORE

Forget global warming: This is the threat.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

ANOTHER REASON WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys never stop trying to make the world a better place.

(Thanks again to Elon Weintraub)

THE O.C.

This explains a LOT.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING

Cynically exploitative contest PETA Protest

(Thanks to Danny Moore)

DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER UPDATE

Dog fought the law, and Dog would like to apologize.

(Thanks to Elon Weintraub)

CAKE IN THE RAIN

(An email from last week:)

Dear Dave,

 

Today has been one of the worst days of my life.  My co-worker Lynette was complaining yesterday that I haven't baked anything for the office in awhile, so last night I baked a home made chocolate cake from scratch.  It was beautiful.

 

This morning, as I was getting out of the car, a hurricane strength wind suddenly appearerd and knocked off the lid to the cake carrier I had.  Next it blew the cake face down on the asphalt parking lot, and finally the cake pan blew away down the street, chasing the lid.  This all happened within a space of 5 seconds.

 

As I stood there in disbelief, suddenly it started to rain.  Hard.  I was getting soaked, standing there thinking, "I am not believing this" when all of a sudden the song MacArthur Park started going off in my head, "someone left the cake out in the rain...."  And it wasn't even the good Donna Summer version, either (okay so I like Disco--sue me) it was the awful Richard Harris version.  Now I can't get the song out of my head.

 

I was hoping by emailing you my earwig you could replace the water one Sophie gave you with this one, thus freeing me from going quietly insane today.

 

Thanks for your help,

 

Elizabeth Gibson

--
God takes care of fools and little children, therefore I have double coverage.  :)

UPDATE: Lynette, seeing how upset I was, and being the nice person she is, suggested we have a moment of silence over the cake, so we did.  Attached is a crap cam picture of what was left of the cake at 4:00 on Friday.

AN OUTRAGE

(Belated thanks to Sharon Brennan)

THE SIMPSONS

Several people have written to point out that last night on The Simpsons, the Simpsons visited  a failing shopping mall, in which there was a bookstore called.... Rock Bottom Remainders. (Yes, this blog was watching.) Matt Groening, creator of the Simpsons, is a founding member of the band and still performs with us sometimes. He is a great guy, and quite possibly the worst singer on the planet earth, except for some of the other band members.

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys have perspective.

Key Quote: "Chances are he's a hot wheels trader."

(Thanks again to DavCat14)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO FLY AGAIN

Spiders on a Plane

(Thanks to DavCat14)

ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

(And don't forget this)

EEEYEW EEEYEW EEEYEW

If you ever plan to eat again, you do NOT want to click this link.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

ATTENTION, TELECOMMUTERS LOOKING FOR THAT PERFECT COMFORTABLE-BUT-BUSINESSLIKE OUTFIT

So maybe it's not a real product. We have proven time and time again that we don't care.¹

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

¹Except that they don't have anything for women.

COOL NEWS

Be on the lookout for.... well, there's no way to tell, really. But watch out.

(Thanks to Jeff Luhrs)

SECRET

I have used Rid's pirate mustache to butch up my Secret.

COW/CANNIBIS NEWS UPDATE

(Thanks to chesbn)

WOULD YOUR HUSBAND CHEAT?

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

FINALLY

...a judge willing to tackle the real legal issues.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

WE ARE SO PROUD OFFENDED PROUD

(Thanks to "a friend")

SCHOOL NEWS

We can only imagine the controversy if this letter had been written in some other font.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this level-headed motorist.

(Thanks to DavCat)

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I are now in (we think) Denver, having departed very, very early this morning from (we think) Phoenix, where for some reason I was singled out by security personnel for a near-colonoscopic level of scrutiny. A TSA guy spent a lot of time going through my luggage, at one point removing and examining my Peter Pan hat. (Yes, I travel with a Peter Pan hat. I also have pirate-style eyepatches.) When he was finally done, he put my suitcase down on the table and told me I could go. So I  picked up my suitcase, and watched with an “It’s 5:15 a.m. and I have not had coffee” expression as the all of the contents, including my lone remaining clean undershorts, spilled out onto the friendly hygienic airport floor. It turns out that -- air travelers, take note –- the TSA personnel UNzip your suitcase, but they do not REzip your suitcase.

I have said this before, but I will say it again: If we ever catch Osama bin Laden, the way to punish him his not to kill or torture him. The way to punish him is to make him go through airport security. (“Today, Osama, you are going to fly from Mobile, Alabama, to Portland, Oregon, via several connecting flights.” “No! Please! Send me to Guantanamo!”)

I am mildly concerned about my deodorant. As I stated in an earlier blog post, airport security personnel in (I think) Los Angeles took away my deodorant, because it was a gel, which is the terrorist kind of deodorant. So I had to buy a new deodorant in Phoenix, and the only one I could find that was made of a non-terrorist stick substance was “Secret” brand deodorant, which Ridley has informed me is a girl deodorant. Maybe that’s why they singled me out for security at the Phoenix airport (“Bob, we have a suspect here carrying a girl deodorant and a Peter Pan hat.”) I will try to post a CrapCam photo of my deodorant later on, so you can tell me if it is sufficiently manly, or if I should get a new one, or what.

Anyway, as I say, Ridley and I now believe we are in Denver, which by the way is approximately 600 degrees below zero today. We are very much looking forward to doing whatever it is that we are supposed to be doing here.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Hmmmm.

(Thanks to Russell Blair)

WE-COULDN'T-BE-MORE-SHOCKED BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CRIMINAL ACTIVITY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Grape theft.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

PHOENIX STRUMPDATE

GOT MILK?

Or really, pretty much anything, man. Nachos? Did you ever try nacho chips dipped in chocolate? OMG... Chocolate! What else do you have? Got any cookies? Hey, remember Sesame Street? COoooKIEEEES... oh man. It's been a long time. Time. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? ABOUT TIIIIIME???? Hey, who's gonna be here this weekend? Anybody good at Ray's? You want to go? Have you seen that Ok Go video? Oh man. When are we going to go to the gym?

What? Oh, yeah. Good milk.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

IN THE MARKET?

Put Dick and his team to work for you!

(Thanks to Paqo)

THONG GIRL

A good mayor utilizes all available resources before making decisions.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE DON'T GET IT

Why is this news?

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

UPDATE: Why?

IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTIFICATION

I work at a major government laboratory where the motto is "The world's greatest science, protecting America". I am writing to you today about an urgent matter of national security.  It isn't alternative energy or nuke detectors at our ports - it's SAFETY ON STAIRS.

On the way up to the cafeteria, I touched the stair handrail without even thinking about it.  Two young, eager office toadies greeted me at the top.  They gave me a candy bar with an important public service message attached: "SOS- SAFETY ON STAIRS.  HR DIVISION THANKS YOU FOR USING THE HANDRAILS!!"

This seems like a misguided joke.  What are the odds that the candy bar might make my heart explode?  How many people scratched their butts before touching the handrail which I touched before touching my pizza?  I can't balance the infinite microscopic risks - they boggle my mind!  I demand a focus group. I want experts with $100,000 taxpayer-financed salaries to come up with a thousand new rules to protect me from myself.

Actually, in trying to control all the little risks, we fall to the biggest risks: losing perspective and losing our edge. The Department of Energy already burdens the labs with so many beaurocratic distractions that it hinders our mission of protecting America.  What's next - will we have to get "stair safety certification training" before we can work on those shipping container scanners?

Nathan Currier

 

When we asked for permission to reprint his letter here, Mr. Currier added:

In fact, the lab is so proud of this program they even did a press release for it:

http://www.lanl.gov/news/index.php?fuseaction=nb.story&story_id=8915&nb_date=2006-09-01

CYNICALLY EXPLOITATIVE CONTEST OF THE DAY

Wow. Also: Ew.

(Thanks to queensbee)

CYNICALLY EXPLOITATIVE PRODUCT OF THE DAY

Rock on the Rocks.

(Thanks to Nebbisk)

STRUMPDATE

Today Ridley and I head to Phoenix. At the moment we're at LAX, where security personnel alertly located, and confiscated, the deodorant stick I have been carrying on airplanes for two weeks now. Yes, I fought the law, and the law won. I feel like Bonnie and Clyde, whose luck finally ran out when lawmen ended their lawless rampage and took away their deodorant. The point being, if you come to see us strumpet in Phoenix, do not come too close.

WOOF!

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

SPORTS PHOTO OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Mike A., who says, "I'm no referee, but I think this guy was fouled.")

UPDATE

GOOD TO KNOW

(Thanks to RussellMc)

PEOPLE

Not the sharpest tools in the shed.

(Thanks to sharon share-alike, Rachel Rogers, and marva)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys know how to handle animals.

(Sent in by everyone)

(Also, Ridley and I have landed in Los Angeles. It's nice and sunny. There's no precipitation, which is part of the cycle that water travels in. Water travels in a cycle, yes it does.)

FONT OF WISDOM?

We bet everyone's rushing to join the PTA.

(Thanks to many education mavens)

PHOTO UPDATE, thanks to Clean Hands.

PREMISE FOR A NEW REALITY TV SERIES

"What would make you Take The Plunge?"

(Thanks to Michael O'Donnell)

CRIMINAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Andy, the persistent tropichunt.com guy)

STRUMPDATE

Today Ridley and I are on our way to Los Angeles (a.k.a. "The Big Apple"). Thanks to all who came out to the Seattle event last night, especially to those of you who dressed as pirates.

Also: I would like to get an earwig out of my head. I called home yesterday and talked to my daughter, Sophie, who's in first grade and is studying the forms of water. She learned a song about this, which she sang to me. It's set to the tune of "She'll Be Comin' 'round the Mountain":

Water travels in a cycle yes it does!
Water travels in a cycle yes it does!
It goes up as evaporation
It forms clouds as condensation
It comes down as precipitation
Yes it does!

After Sophie sang this to me, I sang it to Ridley and the woman who was driving us around Seattle, Gail, and pretty soon we were all singing it in the car. Now Ridley and I are at the Seattle airport and we are still singing it. We need to get rid of it before we reach Los Angeles and infect all of southern California. So YOU take it.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN, ME HEARTIES

(Thanks to Nachum Hurvitz)

YERRRRR OUT!

(Thanks to sharon share-alike)

BY THE WAY

YARR!

(Thanks to Scott Wolk)

Also, ARRRR (Thanks to cdelorey)

TESTING

The Blog says the blog arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr broken. It apparrrrrrrrrrently be The Blog which arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ridley and I ARRRRR now in Seattle, which was a little rainy when we arrived, although nobody apologized for that. I was thinking of phoning some folks back in Minneapolis and telling them it was raining here in Seattle, so they could tell me they were sorry.

But it seems to be clearing up, and we're getting ready to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day. Seattle is a fine place to do this. We were here on Talk Like a Pirate Day in 2004, and during our book-strumpeting event a group of drunks festive people dressed as pirates showed up in a highly modified Dodge van with a working cannon. It was very exciting. You do not often see people brandishing actual swords in a bookstore.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

ARRRRRRRRRRR

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

UPDATE: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

24 HAIKU

Jack, still on the ship
Audrey, shrewish; Edgar, dead
Now, Amazing Steve

Also (thanks to Mark Tuttle): "Jack Bauer is coming!"

EVIL MINNESOTANS

They've stolen The Blog's pirate gear... and God only knows what they've done with Ridley.

BANKSY UPDATE

(Thanks to slowlayne, we think)

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I are strumpeting today in Minnesota. I know it's Minnesota because people keep apologizing for the weather, which is cool and rainy. "Sorry we couldn't have better weather for you!" they say. This is very Minnesotan. Nobody in Miami ever apologizes for the fact that for months on end it feels as though we are trapped inside a giant armpit.

YUM

(Thanks to DavCat)

TIRED OF USING THAT OLD EXCUSE "THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK"?

Next time, try the Goat Transformation Explanation.

(Thanks to jon harris)

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Tomorrow, as you surely know if you follow world events, is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, a day on which all of humanity, except we hope airline pilots, joins together in the vitally important yet all-too-often-neglected task of talking like a pirate for a day. You should also know that Mad Sally Baur, the wife of one of the lunatics visionaries responsible for International Talk Like a Pirate Day, is featured tonight on the TV show Wife Swap.  This blog has no doubt that this event will some day be considered the high-water mark of Western civilization.

Meanwhile the pirate movement (thanks to Nightingale) is gaining momentum everywhere, including in the field of ladies' fashion accessories (thanks to Amy).

UPDATE: In case you do not know how to talk like a pirate, here is a useful training film (thanks to Clean Hands).

GLOBE LUXATION

Gross, or merely icky? You make the call.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

WHY IT'S A GOOD THING THAT ANTS CAN'T READ

They might find out about this.

(Thanks again to Claire Martin)

ANOTHER ITEM NOBODY SHOULD CLICK ON, ESPECIALLY MEN

...is this.

(Thanks to numerous individuals)

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE AT WORK WHO ARE NOT ALLOWED TO VIEW X-RATED SEXUAL PORNO SMUT

Do not click here.

ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF SOUTHERN ILLINOIS

Watch out.

FREE THE HALIBUT

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CORRECTION

Recently, in a post about attending the Air Force Ball, this blog incorrectly referred to a commode filled with disgusting-looking punch as the "grog hole." This blog has been informed by many personnel that this was incorrect. The proper military term for a commode filled with disgusting-looking punch, including terrifyingly accurate replicas of human poopage, is the grog bowl. This blog regrets the error. But not as much as this blog regretted drinking the punch. That is all. As you were.

SNAKE UPDATE

Now they're attacking cars.

UPDATE

I apologize for the lack of posts, but I have been traveling, and judi is a lazy slut has been busy. I hope to be posting at least some in the coming days, during which Ridley (or at least one of the Ridleys) and I will be strumpeting our way across the country. We're very excited, because we'll be on the road during International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which is spreading around the world like E. coli in bagged spinach wildfire.

JUMPER LEADS

Would be an okay name for a rock band, now that we think about it.

(Thanks to DavCat)

EXPERT ADVICE

And the Headline of the Day.

(Thanks to Kaf)

ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF DORSET

HEY! WAKE UP!

(Thanks to DavCat, who must have a great job, again.

ATTENTION, AUSTRIAN TOURISTS

We do not recommend the walking tour of Vienna.

(Thanks to DavCat, again)

SOME PIG

(Thanks to DavCat)

BOOGER

Brought to you by this perky news team.

(Thanks to non-bloglit Matthew Workman)

ATTENTION, MEN SUFFERING FROM...YOU KNOW

Be sure to check with your doctor for appropriate treatment.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

THAT SETTLES IT

This blog is switching to an all-beer diet.

(Thanks to Dogg Fish)

NIGERIAN POLITICAL UPDATE

This is truly wonderful.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN?

Reading the posts in the morning, and finding out just how quickly the blog comments can get from a business article about Ford Motor Company's projected layoffs to:

Deuteronomy 23
Purity in Public Worship
23:1 A man with crushed ¹ or severed genitals ² may not enter the assembly of the Lord. ³

HEADLINE OF THE DAY HEADLINE

(Thanks to Karl Schmidt)

KA-CHING

(Thanks to Dogg Fish)

SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to RussellMc, who asks, "Where was Jack Bauer during all this?")

IS MEXICO AWARE THAT WE HAVE A LOT OF SPARE MISSILES?

We cannot, as a nation, allow this to stand.

(Thanks to Vincent Shovlin)

SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE TO US

And we want to know where the perky NBC10 news team is off to.

(Thanks to leemedia)

HELLO? HELLO?

This is 1964 calling.

(Thanks to OriginalEnigma)

HOT EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

WE DO NOT WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE WITH PETA

So we aren't going to comment on this item.

(Thanks again to DavCat)

UPDATE from artchick: The Rodenator¹

¹Soon to be a major motion picture starring Governor Schwarzenegger.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now they're using cows.

(Thanks to Artchick)

WE'RE NOT SAYING THIS. A SCIENTIFIC STUDY IS SAYING THIS.

(Thanks to Ken "Wyo" Pendergraft, who had the intelligence to send it in)

LET US PRAY

This means you!

(Thanks to DavCat)

IF "EVERYBODY" JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE...

Would you do it too?

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

The Internet enables people to share their views on the issues.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

We hope this story is not true. Sutton Pierce? Sutton Pierce?

CRIME IN WESTWOOD

It is out of control.

COME TO TEXARKANA!

We know how to party.

MEN OF CANADA:

Watch out.

TRULY INCREDIBLE NEWS

These people have not claimed a divine connection!

(Thanks to James Arnett)

THIS HAS NEVER WORKED BEFORE

But what the heck.

(Thanks to many women, but DavCat first)

IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION

Ask a Latvian.

(Thanks to Candy Tutt)

MEDICAL NEWS

"It's for my hay fever.."

OOOH BABY

For a good time, call 1-800-626-4569.

(Thanks to Jack Brown)

MESSAGE FOR JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Woof!

(Thanks to ubetcha)

CRIME IN THE HEARTLAND

(Thanks to Artchick)

HEARTLAND CRIME UPDATE (Thanks to Siouxie)

WHERE IS PETA...

...When they are really needed?

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

WE ARE NOT SURE WHAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT

But we have to blog pictures like this when the blog is away.

(Thanks to Wyo)

ADVISORY

This blog will be traveling by air today, and thus may never be heard from again. At the current time this blog is at the Miami International Airport Construction Zone, having surrendered its toothpaste, gels and bodily fluids to the proper anti-terrorism authorities. We leave you in the capable hands of judi. 

REST ASSURED

We will not be linking to this.

BELATED BULLETINBULLETINBULLETINOHMYGODBULLETIN

(Thanks to many bloglits)

MESSAGE FOR BARBARA WALTERS

Woof!

(Thanks to sharon share-alike)

BANKSY UPDATE

(Thanks to Artchick)

THIS JUST IN FROM BULGARIA

We personally are way too lazy to register, but this story could be huge.

ARRRRR

One week to go, me hearties.

OHMIGOD

What is happening?

HE IS WELCOME IN FLORIDA ANY TIME

(Thanks to everyone)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using chicken parts.

(Thanks to DaveLoneRanger)

24

Here is your weekly perimeter report, in the time-saving Q-and-A format:

Q. Jack?
A. Still on the ship, starting to crack.
Q. Audrey?
A. Still annoying.
Q. Edgar?
A. Still dead.
Q. Steve?
A. Still Amazing.

BONUS: Check out the 24-themed motivational posters created by Andy the Tropic Hunt guy, who has a lot of spare time is very creative.

BAND NAME OF THE DAY AS OF 6:32 PM EASTERN

Give it up for the semi-satanic Hounds of Purg

Key Quote:   "We're only 13, so we don't drive."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ANOTHER GOOD THING ABOUT GUYS

They are not picky.

(Thanks to Heather Bergevin)

IF THIS HAD HAPPENED IN THE UNITED STATES

This woman would already have sued the knife manufacturer.

(Thanks to Leah Guren)

GLOBAL WARMING

Get involved.

(Thanks to angene)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE WILL BE SENT

...to everyone in this video.

(Thanks to Siouxie's friend Mary Machado)

ON THE FATEFUL DAY -- AND IT WILL COME -- WHEN PUG DOGS RISE UP IN FURY AND ATTACK HUMANITY WITHOUT MERCY, AND WE ASK OURSELVES, "WHAT WAS THE ROOT CAUSE OF THIS?"

The answer will be here.

(Thanks to Karl Weckstrom)

UPDATE: (thanks to crossgirl): It will not only be pug dogs.

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND

Johnny Camel

(Thanks to Andy the Tropic Hunt guy)

TODAY

Hi judi,
        Could you please post a link on the blog to
Dave's September 11 column?
        Thanks.
        - Guin

Published: Thursday, September 13, 2001

JUST FOR BEING AMERICANS . . .

By DAVE BARRY, Herald Columnist

No humor column today. I don't want to write it, and you don't want to read
it.

No words of wisdom, either. I wish I were wise enough to say something that
would help make sense of this horror, something that would help ease the
unimaginable pain of the victims' loved ones, but I'm not that wise. I'm
barely capable of thinking. Like many others, I've spent the hours since
Tuesday morning staring at the television screen, sometimes crying,
sometimes furious, but mostly just stunned.

What I can't get out of my mind is the fact that they used our own planes. I
grew up in the Cold War, when we always pictured the threat as coming in the
form of missiles - sleek, efficient death machines, unmanned, hurtling over
the North Pole from far away. But what came, instead, were our own
commercial airliners, big friendly flying buses coming from Newark and
Boston with innocent people on board. Red, white and blue planes, with
``United'' and ``American'' written on the side. The planes you've flown in
and I've flown in. That's what they used to attack us. They were able to do
it in part because our airport security is pathetic. But mainly they were
able to do it because we are an open and trusting society that simply is not
set up to cope with evil men, right here among us, who want to kill as many
Americans as they can.

That's what's so hard to comprehend: They want us to die just for being
Americans. They don't care which Americans die: military Americans, civilian
Americans, young Americans, old Americans. Baby Americans. They don't care.
To them, we're all mortal enemies. The truth is that most Americans, until
Tuesday, were only dimly aware of their existence, and posed no threat to
them. But that doesn't matter to them; all that matters is that we're
Americans. And so they used our own planes to kill us.

And then their supporters celebrated in the streets.

I'm not naive about my country. My country is definitely not always right;
my country has at times been terribly wrong. But I know this about
Americans: We don't set out to kill innocent people. We don't cheer when
innocent people die.

A DECENT PEOPLE

The people who did this to us are monsters; the people who cheered them have
hate-sickened minds. One reason they can cheer is that they know we would
never do to them what their heroes did to us, even though we could, a
thousand times worse. They know that when we hunt down the monsters, we will
try hard not to harm the innocent. Those are the handcuffs we willingly
wear, because for all our flaws, we are a decent people.

And now we are a traumatized people. The TV commentators keep saying that
the attacks have awakened a ``sleeping giant.'' And I guess we do look like
a giant, to the rest of the world. But when I look around, I don't see a
giant: I see millions of individuals - the resilient and caring citizens of
New York and Washington; the incredibly brave firefighters, police officers
and rescue workers risking their lives in the dust and flames; the
politicians standing on the steps of the Capitol and singing an off-key
rendition of God Bless America that, corny as it was, had me weeping; the
reporters and photographers who have not slept, and will not sleep, as long
as there is news to report; the people in my community, and communities
across America, lining up to give blood, wishing they could do more.

A GOOD COUNTRY

No, I don't see a giant. What I see is Americans. We may have the power of a
giant, but we also have the heart of a good and generous people, and we will
get through this. We will grieve for our dead, and tend to our wounded, and
repair the damage, and tighten our security, and put our planes back in the
air. Eventually most of us, the ones lucky enough not to have lost somebody,
will resume our lives. Some day, our country will track down the rest of the
monsters behind this, and make them pay, and I suppose that will make most
of us feel a little better. But revenge and hatred won't be why we'll go on.
We'll go on because we know this is a good country, a country worth keeping.

Those who would destroy it only make us see more clearly how precious it is.

© 2001

THIS JUST IN FROM THE EL DEFENSOR CHIEFTAIN

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

SPEAKING OF NAMES FOR ROCK BANDS

Why was this blog never informed about this?

FLORIDA HIT BY EARTHQUAKE

We have not yet determined the full extent of the devastation. But so far it looks pretty bad.

THE AIR FORCE BALL

I had the honor of speaking at the Air Force Ball in Miami last night, and although I was supposed to be the entertainment, I have to say that the men and women of the Air Force and the other service branches were a lot funnier than I was. In accordance with Air Force tradition, they unveiled, with great ceremony, a Grog Hole, which consisted of two commodes (unused) (I hope) filled with a truly disgusting-looking -- I mean truly disgusting -- punch. One commode contained alcohol and one did not; in my honor, they had been labeled HIGH FLOW and LOW FLOW.

The banquet program listed 17 rules of behavior, such as that you were supposed to applaud by pounding your spoon on the table, not clapping.  If anybody violated a rule (and it was impossible not to violate rules) an officer would leap to his feet and accuse the violator, in formal military language, of the violation. Then, after a very brief and thoroughly unfair trial, the commanding officer would issue a formal ruling, and the wrongdoers would have to go fill their cups with grog, give a toast ("TO THE MESS!"), drink the grog, then invert the glass over their heads to show that it had been thoroughly emptied.

The thing was, a lot of people WANTED to drink the grog, so there were a great many spurious charges leveled. And although you pretty much had to be there to really appreciate it, let me just say that armed-forces personnel can be pretty darned funny when they are scrupulously observing military protocol while at the same time carrying out a mission to get each other t