24 HAIKU

Jack, still on the ship
Audrey, shrewish; Edgar, dead
Now, Amazing Steve

Also (thanks to Mark Tuttle): "Jack Bauer is coming!"

Comments

[Steve]

Last Time: Jack sent hundreds of AOL reps after the Marwan brothers after pointing out that they were about to drop their subscriptions to AOL. Jack and Curtis discovered a sinister plot by the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company to lobby Congress to pass a law to require low-low-low-flow toilets to be used throughout the country. In an attempt to raise money, both the Marwan brothers and ex-President Manilow and his followers attempt to rob an armored car, and the Marwan brothers are able to pull it off. Jack and Curtis are chasing the Marwan brothers down on Los Angeles’ many unused highways. Jack has just shot Marwan in the arm, just as he threw a stick of dynamite onto Jack’s car.

The following occurred between 11 pm and 12 pm, but no later, because it’s a school night and you have curfew.

11:00 pm – Curtis tries turning the wheel back and forth, but it does nothing but make the dynamite slide around on the windshield and then get stuck on the windshield wipers. After switching on the wipers and pressing the wiper fluid button a few times, Jack finally yells for Curtis to stop doing that.

11:01 pm – Jack tells Curtis to stop the SUV so they can get rid of the dynamite. Curtis tells Jack if they do that, they’re going to lose the Marwans. Jack points out that if they don’t get the dynamite off the SUV, then it’ll be much harder to follow the Marwans if they and the car are in a bazillion little pieces. Curtis agrees that probably would be the best thing for his complexion, and Curtis slams on the brakes. Just as Curtis slams on the brakes, the fuse of the dynamite burns down to the point where it dislodges, and flies off the hood, and lands in front of the car. Jack and Curtis ponder this for a half second, and then they both stamp on the accelerator of the SUV, driving over the top of, and past, the dynamite.

11:02 pm – Jack and Curtis both look revealed, but realize two things: 1) The Marwan brothers have gotten away, and 2) that stick of dynamite must have the slowest fuse ever made in the history of dynamite. Curtis suggests that the dynamite was a dud.

11:03 pm – The dynamite explodes, hurling the SUV back end over front end and through the air. The SUV miraculously lands on all four wheels after the flip. Curtis asks Jack to drive for a while, because he’d like to pass out.

11:04 pm – Julian notices that Marwan’s arm has been shot, mainly because there a large hole where the bullet went. Strangely, there’s no blood. Marwan’s examines this, and realizes that not only is there not any blood, but that he can make strange whistle noises if he blows into the bullet hole.

11:06 pm – After a few miles Julian asks Marwan to quit making those whistle noises with his arm, because Marwan keeps getting the melody to “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain – With A Big Terrorist Gun to Shoot Jack Bauer” wrong. And besides that, the whistle noises are getting annoying. Marwan suggests that if Julian gets shot in the arm too, they’ll be able to play “Dueling Bad Guys” on their arms. Julian doesn’t seem to like this idea.

11:09 - Julian pulls out a piece of paper, and tells Marwan that they have to get off the road at the next exit. Marwan tells him that he should have gone when they had a chance back at the warehouses. Julian tells him that’s not what he meant; they have to stop to get something.

Commercial

11:14 pm - Jack and Curtis continue to drive down the freeway, looking for the Marwan brothers. Jack and Curtis a series of flashing roadside signs, one after the other
- If you’re looking
- Up and down
- Maybe it’s time
- You turn around

Curtis tells Jack he hasn’t seen signs like that in a long time, and wonders what the advertisement means. They pass another two signs:
- They got off at the last exit!
- Chloe

Curtis drives the SUV to the next exit, and leaves the expressway.

11:17 pm – Chloe leaves her workstation at CTU, watching expressway video of the car Curtis and Jack are driving, mumbling under her breath about having to spell out everything. She then realizes she probably should have just called them on the phone.

11: 18 pm - Upstairs at CTU, Madam Haig is standing in a conference room in front of a large white board with many papers taped to it. Chloe bursts in to ask what the decision is. Haig tells Chloe that she’s thinking that Lasagna on Thursday instead of Wednesday is probably the right thing to do, as she switches two of the papers on the white board. Chloe looks at the papers, and they’re all recipes lined up under days of the week.

11:21 pm – Chloe yells at Haig, and asks what the decision is about *Jack and Curtis*. Haig looks baffled for a second, and then says that Jack and Curtis should just continue doing whatever they’re doing. Chloe rolls her eyes, and then excuses herself from the conference room.

11:22 pm – Chloe calls Jack, and tells him that Haig hasn’t decided on how to pursue in the investigation regarding the terrorists and the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company. Jack tells Chloe that it’s really important that the investigation go forward, and that Chloe should work in secret to find out what’s going on, if necessary. Jack tells Chloe they’ll continue to search for Marwan.

11:24 pm - Julian and Marwan’s car is stopped at a red light. Julian is messing around with a Global Positioning Device in the car, trying to find out how to program it to tell them where the store they’re looking for is. The light turns green, and the car horn behind them honks. Julian doesn’t move the car, still engrossed in trying to figure out the device. Marwan says that he’s going to teach this guy in back of them a lesson he’ll never forget.

11:25 pm – The car behind them is still honking as Marwan gets out of the car. The car headlights seem to make him look a lot paler than we’ve seen him before. Marwan lifts his hand up, finger pointing in the air, and opens his mouth to speak. Just as Marwan moves out from in front of the car, the car turns the other direction, and drives around the Marwan’s car.

11:26 pm - Marwan is left standing there with a puzzled expression on his face, apparently never expecting something like this to happen. He gets back into the car with Julian, who just figured out where he wants to go.

Commercial

11:32 pm – Chloe quietly re-enters the conference room where Madam Haig is still rearranging her dinner recipes for the week. Chloe flips the light switch quickly a few times, and Haig turns to stare at the light. Chloe speaks up and says there must be something wrong with it.

11:33 pm – Madam Haig steps on a chair and then onto the conference table in order to reach the light. Just as she reaches for the light, Chloe pulls out her taser and zaps Haig. Haig falls over onto the conference table.

11:34 pm – Chloe hits the button the conference room button which speed dials the CTU infirmary. Chloe tells them that Haig zapped herself on a light fixture and that they need to come and pick her up right away. The person on the other end asks if she wants to order a jumbo dessert with that. Chloe realizes she hit the speed dial for the CTU catering service by mistake, and hangs up.

11:36 pm – The Marwan brothers pull up in front of a huge brightly light store, ThugMart, which is next to a large cemetery. Julian gets out of the car, but Marwan puts his hands up to his face, saying that it’s a little too bright for him, and that he’ll stay in the car.

11:37 pm – Julian enters the store, in time to hear an announcement:

“Attention ThugMart shoppers! Starting a land war in Asia? We at ThugMart have all your anti-diplomatic supplies. Have a need for spies? We have all shapes and sizes to choose from. Don’t go with our competitors, because you don’t know if you’ll end up with a cut-rate double agent! On special now over in the Thugware and home cleaning supplies.”

11:39 pm – Julian walks past a clerk handing out samples of a product with toothpicks sticking out of them. They’re shuriken samples from a company called “Shuriken Japan”. Julian takes a sample and goes to find a clerk.

11:42 pm – Back at CTU, Chloe is directing three orderlies to take Haig down to the CTU infirmary and to have her closely watched. All the orderlies squint their eyes at Haig and stare at her, which makes it a bit hard for them to get her out of the room without bumping Haig’s head. After four tries, they successfully make it out of the room. The trip down the hallway sounds a bit less successful, but eventually the noise fades.

11:44 pm – Chloe takes a quick peek out down the hallway to make sure the coast is clear, and takes down all the recipes on the whiteboard. She starts writing down the current information has on the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company…. Which is the just the name. She runs back down to her workstation to look up as much information as she can about the company.

Commercial
11:49 pm – Julian waits patiently for a sales clerk who’s helping a customer. The customer, who is wearing a black mask, black robes, and a black feather is black hat asks where the villain clothing section of the store is. He says he’s looking to brighten up his wardrobe a bit, but still maintain that whole “sinister creepy” look that’s so popular with the younger villains. The clerk points him to the correct section of the store.

11:50 pm – Julian asks where the “cohorts” section of the store is, and the clerk points him in the right direction. As Julian starts walking to that section of the store, the clerk helpfully points out they’re having a two-for-one special on ruffians.

11:51 pm – Jack and Curtis continue to drive the streets of Los Angeles to see if they can see any sign of the Marwan brothers. They turn down a dark street and see several cars parked outside of the ThugMart store. They spot the car the Marwan brothers were in! Jack says, “You see! This is just the sort of problem I’ve been talking about. Right in the middle of Los Angeles, a place where bad guys can get anything they want!”. Curtis gives Jack a look, and then Jack concedes, “Yes, OK, I realize this is Los Angeles and this shouldn’t surprise me, but come on! We should have at least known about this place!” Curtis agrees.

11:53 pm – Inside ThugMart, there’s another announcement. “I’ve been asked to repeat the previous announcement that we’re completely out of tactical nuclear weapons. We do not expect any shipments for quite some time.”

11:54 pm – Julian now has several people with him at the checkout counter. The check-out clerk asks how long he would like to rent these thugs. Julian tells him that he won’t need them for longer than seven hours. The clerk tries to sell Julian an extended service plan, but thinks better of it when Julian pulls a gun on him.

11:56 pm – Jack and Curtis have approached the car the Marwan brothers were in, but don’t see anyone inside of it. Jack points to the inside of the Thugmart store, and tells Curtis that he sees Julian. Curtis taps Jack on the shoulder. Jack tells Curtis that they have to get to either side of the entrance somehow, so they can gain the element of surprise.

11:58 pm – Curtis taps Jack on the shoulder again, and says they have bigger things to worry about right now. Jack turns and sees what Curtis is talking about. About two dozen people are walking slowly from the cemetery, Marwan himself leading the way. The people behind Marwan are walking pretty slowly, and Marwan’s yelling at them to hurry up.

11:59 pm – Curtis raises his gun. Jack tells him that he doesn’t think it’s going to do any good. Jack says, “They’re zombies!”

12:00 midnight – Boo! Spooky! Um, I mean…. Time’s up!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wow...I'm honored...what can I say?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BTW...I hope that Jack Bauer action figure will look better. 'cos THEY certainly don't know Jack either!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

P.S. Steve, since it's just you and I here now, and no one else is reading, probably because, well, we got months to go before Jack gets around to being on TV again...you have a dangling participle above. You may want to cover it up. ;)

(Great job! :) )

[OkieDokie]

well done Amazing Steve, as usual.

And big SNORK to Jack's phone. wish my lowly Nokia would do as much (that shock collar control thingy would be GREAT for controlling my heathen children!!!)

[Steve]

Thanks, THG. Yeah, I also noticed it was pretty roomy in here.

And right after I posted that it happens between 11pm to 12 midnight (12 am). Doh!

[Jeff Meyerson]

The Marwan Brothers WBAGNFA Tag Team a la the Graham Brothers.

Geezer bus leaving in 10 minutes.

[OkieDokie]

my phone is a camera phone, however, and my kids took a pic of them mooning me and made it the wallpaper when I turned on the phone. Have any of you ever opened up your phone and seen 2 heinies? seriously, I need the shock collar. Just sayin'.

[Steve]

"And right after I posted that it happens between 11pm to 12 midnight (12 am)."

Uh - I mean:

And right after I posted, I noticed that I made a mistake, it happens between 11 pm and 12 midnight (12 am).

I blame that on lack of beer.

[Clean Hands]

$190 for a DOLL?!?!

A doll with the WRONG HAIR, to boot!!!!

[Jazzzz]

Thank you Amazing Steve... You, once again, have out done yourself.

[Jemmy]

I always read the amazing Steve's 24 posts, and I never comment, until tonight. I learned something tonight. I learned that reading one of Steve's posts in the Reading Room of the library will get you shushed.

Yes, I am a librarian. Yes, I must figure out how to restore equilibrium.

[jt]

Jack still rules!

at everything!

First, almost! (Okay, except for twelve others.)

Okay, covered it all...

[Edgar Greenberg]

Shooting and calling and walking at the same time! And for only 190.00

[Cheryl Howard (Blood-Letter Rackham)]

Steve. You rock.

[homeybeef]

is $190 too much to ask for a man who has died for our freedom twice?

[Jeannie]

Thank you Amazing Steve!

[George Steinbrenner]

The Yankees win again!
The Yankees win again!

[Jan Sparrow]

Clean Hands: $190 bucks for a Jack doll that is coming...

*very bad, sorry*

[Siouxie]

Steve, brilliant AND amazing!!!

[philintexas]

whistling wounds..Steve, this is almost deathless prose..almost because anything involving JB is well...uh...not deathless

[Mike Antonucci]

Will Jack's action figure shoot GI Joe in the thigh? Will Barbie weep as much as Audrey? And what about the Edgar action figure?

[Cap'n Alena Saggingsails]

steve- HHAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR
Dave- imean, Cap'n Pete Ropeburn- HAAAAAARRRRRR- that be a fine work of haiku!

Avast!

[Jacki]

My local library is using a picture of Jack Baurer's special agent ID card on their flyer to entice patrons to replace lost library cards this month. I have no idea of the signifigance of this - just thought I'd share.

[Jemmy]

"If Jack Bauer lost his library card, you can bet HE'D get it replaced. Be more like Jack Bauer.*

*The library does not condone shooting people in the thigh."

[Miss Chevious]

Oh my Gawd.

All I can say is, if that picture truly is the "Amazing Steve" well he's the hottest thing since sliced bread.

Hubba hubba.

Miss C.

[Kaptain Kurt]

Thanks a lot, Steve. Though I've never watched the show, last night I had a 24 dream. Jack had to stop a cross-dressing homicidal maniac from killing everybody at his (the maniac's -- I mean the cross-dressing one's) wedding. And it included some fantastic dialogue:

Homicidal Maniac: (jeeringly) What'cha gonna do Jack? Shoot me in the thigh?

Jack: Yes. With an RPG.

[Cap'n William Buttscar]

KK, perhaps you should skip the pastrami sammich just before going to bed in the future. Just a suggestion...

[gaby]

I never posted before but I have to say how much I enjoy reading all the pre-24 material. Dave's haikus, Steve's hysterical episodes (tis the season for zombies!!), and other's comments (can't wait till my son is old enough to take a pic of his "heiny" and put that up on my phone - too funny).
Thanks for the great laughs everyone
I am sure that I will live longer because of all of you!
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We're beggars and blighters, ne'er-do-well cads,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.
Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.

[Cap'n William Buttscar (Clean Hands)]

Welcome t' the crew, gaby!

Ye've chosen a fine day t' join us. A fine day, indeed.

[Pirate Audra the Winter-White (LBFF)]

Ahoy me Steve. There'll be an extra pint o' rum in yer cabin for ye're work on this 'n.

YARRRRR!

[Cap'n Steve]

Avast, Mateys!

Me be thankin' ya all fer yer kind words!