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August 25, 2006

THE DECLINE OF CIVILIZATION

It continues apace.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

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The reply from the pastor...

Get a life buddy.

The bedrock of her family is Barney's p*nis? That's just not right. In any case, her kid would learn about whacking the welly wanger, so to speak, sooner or later so deal with it now instead of later.

Glad I didn't ask this woman to help explain to my 6 year old what his testicles are.

Her poor kid will be a freaked out head case for eternity

OMG. Another post by Claire Martin. I'm traumatized for life!

Of course, if this is also the lady who dresses her children in God Jammies than she really has nothing to worry about. They are already far too disturbed to recover.

See, these hoodlums would show up at my Sneaker Toss.

Hmmm. I wonder what the sign said originally. Are you ready boys and girls? It's anagram time!

*secrety admiring the use of the word "apace"*

as long as the kid doesn't try and get Barney's p**s (whatever that is) thru the airport security, I think she'll be OK.....

Lisa, here is an explanation of your sneaker mystery

Just how sheltered does this woman think her child has to be? I'm sure the reason the kid keeps bringing up Barney's huge throbbing purple man-missile is that Mommy keeps reacting with utter horror.

Geeez....I didn't get traumatized by Barney's pen!s until I was 30.

What?

OH! The dinosaur.... well, nevermind then.

They want to complain to the people who owned the sign. Okay, fine.

Any bets that it was one of their late night workers having a bit of fun?

Darn those teenage vandals, for stealing the letters F-I-F-E from after the "Y."

(Later re-released under the titles "Randy of Mayberry" and "The Long Dong of the Law."

I've seen Barney many, many, many times and have never noticed he had any dangly bits. Seems Mom would have been better off telling her kid it's pronounced peanuts and be done with it.

So THAT'S what "Barney's Big Adventure" was all about....

kitten-Thanks. A combination of 1 and 4 is what I was told.

*HUGE COFFEE-SPEWING SNORK* @ BJJB's throbbing purple
man-missle!!!


(How many times has he heard THAT?!)

Somewhere North-

"The bedrock of her family is Barney's p*nis?"

Bedrock? You mean you think it meant Barney RUBBLE?
Betty (bet he) got HIS rocks off a lot.

If the man missle coming my way is purple AND throbbing, I am outta there

BJJB-Too funny!

Barney Bedrock and Barney the Purple Dinosaur? No wonder her kid is screwed up. What is letting her watch??

I flash you
You flash me
Screw the bedrock
of family

See my great big shlong
As it's pointing out at you!
Don't you wish you had one too?

What?

Re: Barney's huge throbbing purple man-missile.

Let's all sing along:

"I love you,
You love me..."

No doubt it's Friday on the blog

*steps away to avoid trouble*

Barney's P*nis - BAD name for a kid's rock band OR movie.

I heard that Baby Bop fell into midget porn.

Bad, bad C-bol! ;-)

This dude can't be serious. Let me clue you in to a little fact there, buddy. If this is the worst thing your kid sees or hears by the time she's, oh, 6 1/2 it's only because you her locked in the basement.

Super deeeeee duper !

somewhere north & billyjoejimbob: It's a dude, not a lady! I read it and heard a woman's (the church lady to be exact) voice too, but it' a dude! How sad is that?

c-bol: lol

blurk: still flacid

Blurk - had to go back and read the article - I thought Mommy had written the letter! Oh, dad's just a pwuss

Must be kind of like prehistoric oosik.

mud, I know you're not suffering Blurk's affliction after our simul *wink wink*

Anyone ever notice that Barney is like Grimace's goody two shoes cousin? I think they oughta rumble.. The Barney Gang vs. Grimace and the Hamburgler and Mayor Mc Cheese..

I think we should buy this family a replica of the statue "David."

Wonder when the lawsuit will be filed?

And then there's that whole Barney thing.

Jurassic (something.)

OK, I have to go work now. I'll miss ya'll. Catch ya later. Don't have any fun without me.

so barney's doin porn now?

*ring*

"Hello, Pastor Nipplepants speaking."
"Thank goodness you're home! My family's bedrock has been shattered!"
"Calm down Mr. Gynabooty. Tell me what the problem is."
"Well, I took my family out to Daniels for some groceries..."
"Party on."
"Pardon?"
"Nothing. Erm..continue."
"So what is my angelic daughter's eyes assaulted with? An ad for a movie called Barney's Penis!"
"Oh, well don't bother renting it. There's hardly any dick."
"What?"
"Oh, uh, er..that is...hmmmm."

"P***s anagrams to spine. This is true in over 75% of the languages in the galaxy. Scholarly attempts to explain this usually collpase in lame references to standing erect." - Douglas Adams, Hitchiker's Guide...but not exactly

I'm truly sorry to hear that, mud. Don't they make a little blue pill for that nowadays?

*evil grin™*

LBFF- was it Jurassic Pork?

Think the tail is involved?

Ewwww- I just made myself *blurk* a little

Hilton’s representatives insist there is no evidence connecting her to Barney's Penis.

Well, other than the video.

Thanks Christobol- I needed that!

blurk: come on now dude. So far this morning there have been a total of 177 comments made, and in all that bloggage there is not one reference made (by you) to bazoomage. I don't need no blue pill, and I expect that you don't either, at the risk of being prurient, I will throw these words into cyberspace and see if it helps:

"punkin's gazongas & whipped cream"

In the same week that Pluto gets demoted to dwarf planet?

What a world...what a world...what a

if the kid's dad is that hysterical, the kid has worse problems than Barney's schlong.

"I got dem old prurient interest bluse agin, Momma"

mud, you must've missed the welly wanger thread. I distinctly asked how Punkin's twins were doing this morning. I try to inquire daily.

Hmmm... I suspect that the kid's dad was just jealous.

Is "hung like a dinosaur" a compliment?

*ring*

"Hello, Pastor Nipplepants?"
"Speaking."
"I wanted to call and voice my opinion that we should not have an inflatable Barney Jumping Gym at this year's picnic, what with the porn and all."
"Well, you just did."
"Quite right. In its place, I think we should have a welly wanging contest."
"Do you?"
"Indeed I do. But I feel that machinery should be outlawed."
"Machinery?"
"That's right. Let's find out who can wang their welly with good old fashioned arm strength."
"Goodness!"
"Yes, and I think the badminton tourney can be dumped as well."
"Oh, I'm afraid not."
"Why?"
"It's the one day a year I get to say 'shuttlecock' all I want. I do so love to say 'shuttlecock'."

Well, she was going to find out Barney had a penis sooner or later. Also, that her mother is a flake.

Pastor Nipplepants is going to get caller ID pretty soon. ;-)

Lisa -

Your post + my post =

JURASSIC OOSIK

Coming soon to a theater near you.

*!snork!* @ Christobol's exchanges

True Story:

I went to a church-organized weekend campout thing back in nineteen diggity six with all the seventh, eighth and ninth graders in the church. Now back in diggity six, Chuck Berry had a hit song called "Ding-a-Ling", which was, musically speaking, a song about penises. Of course, being seventh, eighth, and ninth graders, we spent a lot of time singing this song, singly, in groups, and often with great feeling.

I'd like for y'all to join me in a little visualization here... At supper on Saturday night
on of the chaparoning parents stood up and made this somber speech about this song that we were all singing, how it was innapropriate for church camp and dishonoring our Lord, etc., and he quoted it, "silver bell tied on a string, I want you to play with my ding-a-ling-a-ling". At this point were all holding in laughter at about 350 psi, and were ready to blow when he added "and we all know that means "I want you to play with my penis.""

We laughed so hard that plaster fell from the ceiling and several children had to be taken to the hospital with lung damage. (Last part made up)

Clean hands -

Hung like a dinosaur?

Have scientists even considered the fact that T-Rex's arms are so short there was no hope of welly wanging? Could extinction have been a result of mass suicide?

SEND MORE CHUCK BERRY!!!

PP, counting this morning? Too many to count!

blurk: thanks. breathing easier. vision clearing. pulse...regular...

glad to see that you're fully functional. sorry i missed your earlier query.


(no, i did not say 'erect')

Mud - bet he was a huge fan of AC/DC's "Big Balls".

Yeah, and Aerosmith's "10 Inch"

I did read recently that the skull and neck bones of lady t-rexes show signs of "love bites."

Perhaps if the lady Ts didn't play so hard to get, the boy Ts wouldn't have been so upset about being unable to wang their own wellies.

*has a sudden uncontrollable vision of a full-sized T rex demonstrating that, like a dog, it can, er, groom itself.*

Back when I was in college, at a certain Eastern liberal-arts school which will remain nameless, at some point the dining room staff had the brilliant idea of posting the dinner menus on one of those marquee boards with the moveable letters. Problem was, they put it within easy reach of those standing in line for the food, and they didn’t lock the glass case it was in. One day I walked by that board, which informed me that the main entrée for the evening was “Seaweed and semen soufflé.” I was terribly traumatized, but now I’m OK.

Can someone untie the long sleeves on my jacket? It’s hard typing with my nose.

CH, why does a dog "groom itself"? Because it can!

*ring*

"Hello?"
"Pastor Nipplepants?"
"No."
"Oh, is he available."
"This is, or was, he. I've changed my name."
"Oh. That's good! I mean, I always thought it an odd name for a pastor."
"Yes. From now on I shall be addressed as Pastor Vaginapants."
"Oh."
"How can I help you?"
"I wanted to talk to you about thoughts that have been vexing me, possibly threatening the bedrock of my family, concerning how dinosaurs could wang their willys, but I think I'll just have some scotch."
"Great. Thanks for calling. Shuttlecock."

C'bol:

I think the lack of arms to well wang actually increases the incentive to procreate, in you know what I'm sayin'.

Mudstuffin,
That was a great story you related -- great flair for the narrative.

*snork* @ ford.

(And now I have to explain to my colleagues why I was really, truly making a noise that can only be fairly described as a "snork.")

Try to imagine a Titanosaurus grooming itself...

Pureple Penis Eater?

Christobol, your posts have been brilliant. I sit in awe. What variety of scotch are you drinking?

clean hands - tequilla

that was not a Haiku

I agree, tequilla's only good for cleaning hands. But what are you drinking?

Fish! Tequila is
the champagne of scotches, yes?
or so I am told

That was not a Hai...dammit!

Christobol, you're drinking fish?

Don't they object?

It reminds me of a piece one of Anita Bryant's kids wrote about growing up with a homophobe mom. She'd be leaving the grocery store and tell her small children "Now, don't be afraid, but I think that man over there might be a homosexual and he might attack us as we walk to the car." Scared her own kids to death. After a while they realized she was a nutter and started telling her to calm down. Thank God Anita Bryant never got traumatized by Barney's Willie.

When I was in college (first time) I showed up to the cafeteria early one evening for dinner. I went through the line and got to one station--and immediately ducked out of line laughing. A few of my friends saw me and asked me what was wrong, so one by one I led them into view of The Display. Often, if it was a station serving cold food, there would be a bank of ice, and any empty space was decorated with fruits and vegetables. This particular evening, one of the workers decorated the empty space with the largest carrot I have ever seen sticking straight up out of the ice, with two lemons on either side. I guess somebody let them know what was going on, because by the end of dinner, the carrot had been laid flat, but still with the two lemons, as if that greatly improved the situation.

Glix, good thing it wasn't an eggplant

Good point. Or worse yet, two (in place o' the lemons).

One day when my kids were probably about 7 and 8 or so, we went to a movie and the parking lot was behind the theatre. We pulled into a spot, and directly in front of us on the beige back wall in ginormous black spray painted letters was the word F**K!

There was total silence in the car for a nanosecond and then everyone burst out laughing.

Then we went to the movie.
No permanent damage.

This family has far more serious problems than the kid seeing the word pen!s, IMO!

*waves hi to C-Bol*

Nice to see you here! :)

as my nephew sang, when he was little, i hate you, you hate me...... and this parent needs to get a life. grow up. people like that make me want to slug them. course, then i'd get in trouble. dang.

Great big *snorks* to all. And p***s anagrams to *s*p*. Ford, I messed around in a film director's office where he had laid out 'EARL WATT' in marquee letters along a shelf, the working title of his next film. I didn't know, at the time, that a 'Making Of' crew was coming in that day to film an interview.

Does anyone else wonder how a six year old knows how to read the word pen!s? I'm pretty sure that the six year olds I know would say Barney's pen is...

Shoot! Ya'll had fun without me! Keep up the good work!!!

yah, if my kids make it to six unscathed by bad language then i'm pretty sure it's time to open the cave door and let them out.

btw-- that won't happen. buddha knows, they hear worse from me when i stumble to the espresso maker only to discover the last bit of vanilla soy milk is gone....

You know, some people like to cite the Bible verse about being "in the world but not of the world" as a reason for isolating themselves from the "unwashed masses". I can understand wanting to cut down on what you might consider bad influences, but if someone's children can't function in the world, then they can't follow many of the directions in the Gospels anyway (serving, etc.) Just suck it up (not Barney's...nevermind) and explain it for what it is, and that will do the girl a much greater service than sheltering her.

It could always be worse. (Profanity warning)

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