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August 11, 2006

QUESTION TO THE PERSON WHO LEFT A NEATLY FOLDED SECTION OF THE NEWSPAPER WEDGED BETWEEN THE FLUSHING MECHANISM AND THE WALL IN THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM AT THE MIAMI HERALD

Do you really think someone else is going to pick that up and read it?

Comments

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WTF? Was it put there to stabilize the toilet and if so, what were they doing in there?

They were stabilizing the toilet! Duh.

Maybe they were a little the worse for wear (so to speak) and thought the room was moving and the toilet needed stabilizing before they could (ahem) toss their cookies accurately?

Women take newspapers to the bathroom? Who gnu?

Maybe they're out of seat covers?

Layzee - usually the mail

Layzeeboy-That was my thought. I've seen my boss carry all kinds of reading material into the men's room. But none of the women do that.

no, it wasn't stablizing anything. there's a gap of about 3 inches between the flusher and the wall... like this... (though it occurs to me "stabilizing the toilet" could be some odd euphemism with which i am unfamiliar)...it was clearly left there for the next user to read... which just seems bizarre to me, 'cause *I* sure as heck wouldn't touch it. not even to pick it up and throw it away.

Sorry, Judi..... *retrieves paper from stall*

The least they could do is tape it to the inside of the stall door! sheesh!

Oh, by the way - you look lovely today. *she said in a totally non-stalker-like voice*

Well, the news is all crap these days anyway..

So, was it from the Herald... or the Wall Street Journal?

Inquiring minds want to know.

An investigation is called for.

Judi, your duty is clear - go down to the ad sales department, borrow some latex gloves from them (trust me - they have 'em there), and tell us what you learn.

That way you could read it without touching it, I meant.

Maybe a man was used the ladies room by mistake!

correction:

That way you could read it without touching it, I meant.

Maybe a man was used the ladies room by mistake! I walked into a men's room by accident once. Thank God there was a particians.

Well that didn't correct it AT ALL! But you know what I meant.

ISIANMTU - I went to a movie with my kids and my daughter had to go potty (she's 2). When we exited the stall, there was a man looking at himself in the mirror! As Mr. 24 investigates such unsavory types, I immediately picked up mini-24 and told an employee and my husband. They went in to investigate and the guy said his daughter had to go and he was waiting for her. As if this were at all appropriate!

YIKES!! perv alert!

was it true though?

Yeah, my daughter had to go...that the ticket!

When my daughter needs to go, I take her with me into the men's room. Sheesh.

(eye roll) tosses 's upstairs.

I am not a robot.

Yes, Siouxie - it was true. Otherwise, Mr. 24 would have held him down and sent his a$$ to jail.

was particians partition

*and no, I haven't been partying with Britney*

I was in a restaurant restroom which was just a one person room. The door had a faulty lock (that I swear I locked) and some woman shoved open the door to find me sitting on the throne. She was so shocked, she turned and ran off - leaving the door wide open - facing the dining room! I had to do a please-don't-drip penguin walk acroos the floor to close the door.

Fun.

My daughter's 13. I no longer let her go in the men's room. Although, now, she wants to.

Dave ... next time, remember that the HOMBRES restroom is the one you should use.

Punkin - tears. rolling. down. my. face.

*snork* Punkin

I'm sure you're well remembered at that restaurant!

Punkin: Bwahahahahaha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Whoo! Heh heh heh hahaha.

(wipes tear)

Better than pee rolling down your thighs, 24!

sorry, punkin, but that image made me LMAO!

Ooh! A triple! I noticed!

woo hooo! and a triple laughing one at that!

what's black and white and germy all over?

I'm so glad my southern exposure problems bring you all joy. I believe my a$$ was put here on the earth just to make folks laugh.

rules for the restroom:
take only poop or a pee
leave only vapors

punkin's penguin walk
now will be retold tonight
all around the globe

don't care who you are
what was our topic again?
that is damn funny

"Forgetting" to lock the door...

That's one way to make a scene, Punkin. ;-)

But punkin, you do it so well (make people laugh, I mean).

And if you liked that one, you'll LOVE this one....

ISIANMTU!!!!

I was home alone, waiting for an important call, when nature beckoned. Whilst in the midst of anal evacuation, the phone, of course, rang. I HAD to take the call, and there was no one home, so I clenched, and hopped, cheeks slappin' together, out to the kitchen to grab the phone. It was indeed my call. Just as I hung up and was about to return to business, I heard the doorbell. I then realized my huge nekkid ham was facing the window next to the door.

I didn't wait to see who it was....and when I returned, they'd scurried away. Off to buy eye-bleach, no doubt.

i am so surprised we are just now hearing these stories, punkin...you've been holding out on us. (not to be confused with "holding anus," but that too)

That would be funny is someone had to clandestinly read a competitors newpaper in the bathroom...

"I'll be in the library..."

*SNORK*
Punkin, I really am laughing out loud. Tears are streaming.

ROFL...ok THAT was even better!!

This may just be an urban myth, but I always thought women stabilized with those gorilla sized pads out of those old "I forgot my pad" machines.

Guys will read the sports page, even if you leave it on the floor.

Please don't stop, Punkin! you're on a roll here!!

Punkin, if I laugh any harder, they're going to give me work to do....

Oh, Siouxie - I'll try to pace myself on telling my embarassing stories...I don't want to be sued for actually busting someone's gut! But glad you find my misery amusing....

*no longer wonders why I order the 55 gallon drum of Paxil*

A few years ago my pastor and I were hauling a load of teenagers to Savannah for their youth service trip. We stopped for lunch and I went into the restroom. The urinal I was at was in full sight of the door. Of course it flew wide open and her son comes walking in and she's standing there in the hall looking at him. Kind of nice for both of us to realize we could still blush.

BTW, Dave and judi. I think you've met her. She went down to Miami a while back to marry a couple of your Miami Herald friends.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I got the vibrator stuck????????

Uh, where Punkin?

oh nooooooooooo

pacing yourself?? ok..maybe ONE more huh??

TMI, Punkin.

*readies Sharpie*

4 words, punkin ...

Cordless phone. and...

Unexpressed thought.

Just kidding. Keep 'em coming! Wait, I mean ... the stories ... you know ...

fivver, tells a story about a pastor and Punkin starts one about gettin' a vibrator stuck.

Who do ya think's gonna get the lightning bolt?

Punkin, LOL for "anal evacuation" and ...oh hell, for all of it.

*walks slowly away from Punkin*

hmmm dunno, blurk

I once had to pee in a "bathroom," and I use that term very loosely, in front of the entire kitchen staff at a "restaurant," also using that term loosely, in Bolivia. It was very small and had no door. I didn't care; I had to go.

BTW, judi, I think that newspaper might have been left by someone just in case the TP ran out. That's what they used in Bolivia! All cut up into squares.

PUT THE KIDS TO BED, MARY! ALERT!

Ok......so, it was my first birthday after my divorce. I was kinda horny lonely, and the girls at work got me this basket with naughty toys in it. Oh I laughed and laughed...surely I would never have need of such things. Well, a few weeks later, I was home alone (THERE'S the red flag!), and it was about 10pm and I thought, "What the heck....let's try this teeny little 'personal massager'." So I did. And it was nice. And then I thought (2nd red flag) "I bet it would feel great to just slide this up my a$$ and masterbate." And it did. Until certain muscle contractions caused this device to be suctioned up into intestines!

SH!T! I contorted in every conceivable way, to no avail. I got out of bed and bent and squatted and squeezed.....nuthin'. All the while BUZZZING!!!!

I paced my house. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"What am I gonna do?" BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"I can't go to the hospital", BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, "I work there", BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

(All the while, my guts are being Frapp-ayed!)

I thought about going to the hospital in the next town. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ But that would mean going thru the toll booth - BUZZING.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"Jeez, and I just put new batteries in this thing" BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

(All I can picture is the Energizer ™ Bunny stuck up my butt.)
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I figure I'd need someone to come over to help me. Now, folks, think about this (BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ), who do you know well enough to call them at what is by then 11:30 at night, and ask them to come out and dig a buzzing mechanical device out of your butt?

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

What I REALLY needed was a doctor who made house calls.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And then it hit me! What kind of doctor makes house calls?????? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
A VETERINARIAN!

So I called him and told him my pussy had swallowed a foreign body! It worked!

We've been married for 5 years now.

OH GOD! ROFLMAO!!! MAJOR SNORKAGE!!!!

I would love to say I feel your pain...but that has NEVER happened to me...thank GAWD!!

OH Punkin..............

If I wasn't crying before, I am now. It's progressed to one of those no-sound-coming-out-but major-spasms-my-stomach-hurts kind of laughing.

Glad everything came out OK (in more ways than one)

ROFL, tears streaming, the whole treatment. Good God, Punkin.

One of my favorite stories involved a fellow staffer at a conference held on a University campus. Housing was in a student dorm -- common showers, alternating male/female floors, etc. Well, to make a long story short (too late!) On his way back from the showers, he stopped in the hall to talk to another staffer. The elevator (full of people) arrived. He whipped off his towel, holding it in front of him, doing a little dance for the people in the elevator. He switched hands on the towel and turned around just as the elevator doors closed -- and he realized there was a full-length mirror behind him.

Punkin---Did'nt you used to write for "Hustler--the Comic Book?"

*makes mental note on how to catch a doctor*

thanks Punkin!!!

*goes off shopping for...uh..*

*laughing...too...hard...to...type*

what...sthnbelle...said

When I was in high school, I went to a lot of academic contests. Well, there was one that was all math/science (my area) and debate. Well, since I took so much longer on my test than the rest of the science people, I ended up being left to go to (a restaurant that rhymes with Rick Gonalds) with the debaters (about four guys, all freshmen) and their coach.
When we were getting ready to leave, I stopped to use the restroom, and so was the last out to the van. I got out there and the debate coach looked seriously p*ssed. I was getting ready to explain everything when I noticed he wasn't looking exactly at me. I followed his stare and noticed at the very back of the parking lot was one of the debaters facing away from us. He was standing in this little clearing in some trees, in such a way that the sun really illuminated the golden stream in front of him. I don't remember much more except a lot of sputtering from all of us, and the debate coach more or less dragging him back to the van by his arm.

Is there such a thing as letters to Playgirl? I'm submiiting on behalf of Punkin if there is.

OMG by stomach hurts! You have no shame, Punkin

*major snork and sends tank truck load of white out to mary in ohio*

24 - Welcome to my life. Do you know how many times I've had to change my name and move out of state?

Honestly, though, what did Judi expect... this thread started in the ladies' room at the Herald, after all.

I found my younger sibling eating Cereal, bowl, milk and box on the throne, while our younger cousin sat near by waiting so she could finish and have her turn....BTW it was cinnamon toast crunch.

Punkin!!! let me just say...That was Pulitzer material right there...or atleast a penthouse letter

you are a better dirty story teller than Artie Lang on the Howard Stern show... BRAVO!!!

Here’s the funniest story I can muster that doesn’t involve pooping, farting or a vibrator, but has TWO pastors in it.

My sister was getting married, and asked me to play the piano at her wedding. I was to play for 25 minutes or so while the guests came in. Then the groom and his attendants were to come in, which was my cue to start playing the wedding march, at which point, my sister, accompanied by my father, would proceed down the aisle. Or at least that’s what I understood.

The pastor, on the other hand, thought that I had some musical cue that I was to give to signal the groomsmen to come in. After playing for about a half an hour, I saw this little door off the side of the alter open, and the pastor look at me, smile and nod. I smiled and nodded back. Five minutes later, another smile and nod. A little confused, but still having a fine time, I smiled and nodded in return.

In the meanwhile, my father (who was also a pastor) realizes that something is amiss, so he runs out the front door of the church and around to a door near where the groomsmen were playing hacky-sack or whatever they were doing and tells them to get their asses into the sanctuary, then turns and runs back to the front door of the church, which, as you have already guessed, was now locked.

So, now the groomsmen are standing in a row in front of everyone, I’m playing the wedding march, and the bride is… navigating the front steps of the church in her high heels and gown (complete with train) in order to open the door for her father.

After several choruses, my sister and my dad began walking down the aisle looking like they had just finished a tennis match.

What a sweet memory. While my big ass remained covered the whole time, my dumbass turned my sister’s wedding into a Three Stooge’s farce, and the whole time I remained blissfully ignorant, not embarrassed in the least.

When I was younger (Around 11 I think) I went to use the restroom at a McDonalds. It wasn't until I was washing my hands that a gentleman walked in, looked at me, and said "how nice of you to join us.". I mulled that over in my head for a few moments, and then began to wonder why there was a man in the ladies room. I believe it was the urinal that tipped me off... because I finally realized that I was in the mens room, at which point in time I turned bright red, RAN across the hall to the appropriate restroom, and hid in a stall for at least 5 minutes.

Oh, the joys of themed-bathrooms.

*Waves small white flag above exhausted, laugh-racked body. I need to breathe, Punkin, please!*

four weddings and YOUR funeral....good story Mud

LOL great story, mud! Something always seems to happen at weddings.

You're a Tormenting Big Brother til the end, eh Mud?


Ok folks.......off to finish painting.... have a great day!

Miamai Herald Employee Bulletin: There is surefire evidence that there is a man sneaking dumps in the women's bathroom. May prefer women's clothing. May go by the alias "Dave Barry". Be on the lookout.

ISIANMTU - We were having some renovations done in our office that included removing a bathroom (one-seater). My secretary was in there sitting on the throne when a sledge hammer started knocking the wall down. She had just gotten her pants pulled up as the construction dude had completely demolished the wall. This happened about 15 years ago and I still bust her about it.

this is quite the embare-assing thread

All of a sudden, all the bazaar things that I have seen and done in my life seem relatively tame.

thinking the same thing, jazzz.

*snorks* and *guffaws* and coke all over the monitor for you all!!!

ref the paper in the bathroom, maybe someone needed to open a beer.

Punkin Pee and Punkin Poo....

Maybe even bizarre, Jazzzz? ;-)

>Excessively Pedantic Comment<

Drinks are on me!

hmm can't even BEGIN to try to top that...

nope...

Congratulations, Punkin', I think that is officially the most memorable post on the blog ever. (not including Dave and Judi, of course)

Quite possibly one of the most memorable things I've ever read anywhere on teh Intarwebs.

And that's saying quite a lot.

Once I went into the Courthouse Women's Room and walked to the very last stall because I was going to sneak a cig. The bathrrom was empty, or so I thought. It was the handicapped stall and the door was wide open.

I turned to go in and there was Atty. X, a MAN, just starting to pull up his pants. I looked at him and said,
This Never Happened. and I turned around, walked out and told every atty that I ran into for the next 2 days!

It was pervie! Why was he there? There are lots of Men's Rooms.

Punkin Poo - is your real name Richard Gere?

ch: why don't you have an email address under your name? got something t'hide? ;)

Punkin': gaspingly funny. Open some windows to let the paint fumes clear.

Oh, I did have an e-mail address there, judi, but I guess it got overridden when I added the Web address.

Who, me, hiding something? Nah...

Sorry clean....Long day. I don't spell so good, or smell so good right now.

but now i get nuthin'.... do you realize what happens when we click yer name? nuthin'...

the artiste-writer formerly known as Punkin. Huzza.

O!
M!
G!

Great stories, esp. Punkin' ... but (HAR!) the others are also superb ...

Makes mine sorta pale by comparison ...

I wuz in the Men's once ... salutin' to porcelain, as were several other guys ...

This guy brings his little girl into the facility (I'd guess she wuz about 3-4 years old ...

He helps her, then turned her loose while he handled his own business -- in a toilet stall, with the door shut ...

She wandered around the area, steppin' up beside each and every one of us, completed her visual inspection, and moved on to the next guy, until her dad finally took her outside ...

(I wuzn't upset with her, but I wuz "p!ssed" at him ... why wuz it OK for her to check us out, but not to see her dad pee?)

*gets up the nerve to ask the question everybody is wondering*
Punkin Poo, how did he finally get it out?

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