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August 28, 2006

GIRDING FOR ERNESTO

So now the weather shmexperts are telling us that  Tropical Storm Hurricane Tropical Storm Ernesto, which was originally going to strike Guam or someplace, is now probably going to strike us, which makes us wonder what kind of forecasting technology they are using. In any event, here in South Florida we have gone into Panic Consumption Mode. After dropping the little blogette off at school, this blog went to wait in a line to buy gasoline, then another line to get cash from the ATM machine, then to the supermarket, which was jammed with anxious consumers who are grabbing pretty much everything they can find on the shelves, including dead cockroaches. Many vital supplies are already gone. To cite one chilling example: All they had left was low-fat Cheez-Its. Yes. It is a nightmare.

I heard many people on cell phones talking to loved ones at home who did not seem to understand the gravity of the situation ("No, listen, I'm, telling you there IS no Starkist packed in water! Only Starkist packed in oil!"). Canned tuna is one of the things we South Floridians always buy in preparation for hurricanes. We never actually eat it, but we have canned-tuna collections dating back to 1983.

All the white bread is gone. I heard two moms, each pushing a shopping cart containing enough food to feed Belgium for a month, discussing this:

MOM ONE: My kids will NOT eat anything but white bread.

MOM TWO: Just get the seven-grain and toast it. They can't tell if it's toasted.

MOM ONE: You think they're that stupid?

MOM TWO: Mine are.

Anyway, this blog is home now, girding for Ernesto. We will try to keep you informed, at least as long as our beer supplies hold out.

Comments

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Don't forget a can opener. Sylvester learned that all too late.

wow! a possible first!
Dave's experience at the grocery store sounds like the typical Okie experience before our annual "big" ice storm. People are running in panic mode thru the grocery store, buying toilet paper, batteries, and adult beverages so we can deal with being locked in the house for a couple of days with our kids. Dave, I totally feel your pain. I hope everyone of you Florida Blogdits stays safe while Ernesto redecorates.

ok, second. shouldn't have typed so long.

Best of luck. I'm hoping that it's one of those storms where you get all prepared, gird your canned tuna, and then the storm veers to a completely different course. I don't think that will happen, but I hope it will.

"It was so windy, I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice."

--Morey Amsterdam, circa 1962, in an autographed copy of one of his books that disappeared along with my Mad Magazine collection when my father cleaned out the garage. Darn.

But seriously, folks...best of luck to those of you preparing for Ernesto.

Here in Virginia, it's snow. At the first forecast of the first flake, everyone runs to the store to buy milk, bread, eggs and toilet paper, as if responding to some strange compulsion to run home and make great, heaping mounds of French Toast.

Keep in mind that the longest I've ever been snowed in has been 2 1/2 days. This ain't Minnesota.

Living on the west coast of Florida, we survived our fair share of hurricanes last year.

Go away. We don't like you.

The so-called "cone of uncertainty" is the best phrase they could come up with. I guess "cone of we really have no clue which way this sucker is gonna go until the final hour" was a bit too wordy.

Make sure Walter is girded too! I'm sure an airborne oosik can be a deadly projectile. And yes, Airborne Oosiks WBAGNFARB.

Sharoncville-you guys in Virginia make French Toast with toilet paper?

Don't you love all the new weather terms they come out with every year? Wasn't it a "cone of probability" last year? Here in Ok, the new one is "significant weather alert". Huh?

Nobody runs to the store here, we've already got a freezer full of elk, and at least three mormon families in any neighborhood.

Reminds me of what happened before Hurricane Andrew hit. The Home Depot stores down there are probably swamped. I bought all the stuff to drill holes to put up the plywood we were able to get, and very dutifully worked on getting those drilled. After two holes were done, I calculated that I'd get finished about 2010, so I just started hammering masonary nails through the plywood, straight into the stucco. Took hours and hours. After that, I had just enough time to pull enough unripe grapefruit from the grapefruit tree to fill seven large plastic garbage bags. Can't have projectile fruit flying around the neighborhood, you know.

Fill up that bathtub full of water and batten down the hatches. We'll be thinking about you guys down there, and hoping that Ernesto misses everything completely.

meanwhile in ohio...

buying school supplies
hot / storms become moist gray days
summer is fading

the pool closes soon
my resolution not kept
try next year dammit

midwest summer fare
brats, 'maters, corn and beans make
rocket propelled doots

rocket propelled doots
not as bad as hurricane
but can be nasty

I've already done the gas line this morning. Not looking forward to Publix later on. I need cat food and adult beverages. Many adult beverages. And bleach. You can never have too much bleach!

Official Panic Mode is SO much fun!

"Sharoncville-you guys in Virginia make French Toast with toilet paper?"

Just the French. They call them "crepes."

wow - I feel so bad for you all down there. My biggest annoyance at the moment is that my radio station i sfading in and out.

Prayers and best wishes all

"...a freezer full of elk, and at least three mormon families..."

Now THAT'S good eatin'!

Ok..got my gas!! now I need to venture out to Publix and fight with the cuban ladies for the last can of tuna and cheez-wiz and cuban crackers!! FUN FUN FUN!!

*snork* @ stevie

First one of the day.

Wyo, I'll pass on the Mormons...

Mahatma, regarding those well-girded loins. Funny - not at all what I was expecting.

I don't know how to link, but note the same seller is also offering up some monkies.

Sorry Dave, but at least he's no longer headed for the beach where I'm going to be next week.

Monkey loins? Somehow, that don't sound sanitary.

Siouxie, good luck with that cheez-wiz.

Here in Southwest Florida (I live on the beach between Clearwater and St. Petersburg and last night Ernesto was coming right at us instead of right at Dave)the same is happening. Bottled water has been marked down 5 cents a gallon, so there is none left. Gas has been marked up 50 cents a gallon, so there is none left. There are a lot of flashlights still avaiable, though batteries are hard to come by. Dave, hang in there, and don't forget the bleach!

rocket-propelled doots
a good name for a rock band
at least, I think so

mudstuffin singing
good or bad? only way to tell:
karaoke fun

marie's bad haikus
are not as bad as the storm
bad Ernesto bad

Did anybody watch Survivorman last night? Told how to get thru a devastating hurricane/flood if trapped in your home. About a year too late, but very interesting...I now know how to cook a meal while trapped in my flooded kitchen using nothing but clothespins and a nail file. (Okay, maybe I didn't pay really close attention)

Anyway, the upshot was that the only way to really be sure you'll be safe is to get the h3ll out when they tell you to.

Let's hope Ernesto becomes an impotent little nothing.

It's a secret Southern recipe. Shhh... don't tell.

The TP is for AFTER you eat that much French Toast.

Last night I was worried about my daughter in Sarasota and ready to go get her...today it appears she's safer than us here...go figure!


thanks, blurk...like Dave said, we've got tuna preserves from previous years too...so if we don't die from the storm, we'll die from botulism :)

The 11:00 map is up. Still curving east. Right now it's showing a direct strike on Miami. But this thing keeps curving. The first track showed it hitting Texas for crying out loud.

sharoncville - is that like a "soaker" breakfast where you feast on pancakes to absorb all the liquor you drank the night before? I would imagine both situations require the use of TP

fivver, are you time traveling? It's not 11:00 AM yet.

so, last night i broke my toe (yes, walking through my house... this is what i get for commenting so often on my friend and a colleague both breaking their feet by falling off their shoes. i wasn't laughing at them, i promise. but no, i hadda go break my toe anyway. so now i have to get ready for a hurricane when i can't walk normally. or fit my foot into a normal shoe. grrrrrrrrr. i'm contemplating whether the publix folks will let me shop with one of those electric carts.

judi, I have a broken toe, too! It hurts like a mo-fo. Trying to keep it away from other stompy people has been tough. Hope they gave you better meds than they gave me. ;)

awww judi!! sorry to hear that. It's bad enough going to Publix without broken bones ..course you always run the risk of breaking something during "Hurricane Panic Mode"! I'll push your cart :)

bad weater coming
gird, create store of french toast
sound the trouser horn

forget the plywood
never mind the bleach, my wife
needs "burt's bees" products

our "burt's bees" budget
is large and yet i don't know
what a "burt's bee" is

ernesto? i scoff!
all weather now under dave's
generator spell

*snork* mud - I love Burt's bees stuff! Especially the lip gloss!

Suzy, don't think so. I guess NOAA was just early...

How do you put lip gloss on bees?

Very carefully, blurk, very carefully.

Man, I sure hope y'all are okay down there. I heard it might just be a small hurricane. Not that "small" in front of "hurricane" is any consolation. I do have an excellent tuna casserole recipe if things get out of hand. Although, with the power out you might only need this recipe:
Open can of tuna
Eat
Beat off those people who never made it to the store
Enjoy!

Judi - When you go out in public, do not limp. Show no weakness. They go after the weak ones first....
Shop like a lioness. A lioness with PMS.

Punkin, I was watching the Emmy's, and missed Survivorman. That's a great show. And guess who won an Emmy? The hero of the blog. LOL

Good luck, Floridians

very carefully!

Poor Judi! (sends healing vibes southwards)

Punkin, can I borrow the bazooms? I'm gonna need extra protection from the crazed shoppers...

*snork @ Punkin, prayers @ judi*

I'll be happy to send you some full-fat Cheez-its Dave. Hang in there.

BEES GOT LIPS!

Siouxie, take a friend with you to load items in the shopping cart. You wear a straight jacket and drool a lot. They'll clear a path.

fivver, you're right. They already had the 11 am map on the website.

UPDATE: we're STILL f*cked!!!

You put lipstick on a bee by letting it kiss the pig.

I am donning my survival camo's right now. Now where did I put that cross-bow...?

How do you put lip gloss on bees?

Silly, the bees out the lip gloss on you! That way, your lips are shiny and pouty from the sting...

or, they may just knock me down first! you don't KNOW these Miamians when they panic, blurk! It's NOT pretty!

This is a direct result of my daughter returning to school in Miami (Barry University….imagine). Last year we brought here there for freshman orientation right in the teeth of Katrina. She arrived two days ago (on her own, we’re over that) and here comes Ernesto. We’d apologize to South Florida but the tax breaks we got from the impact on her education as a result of Katrina and Wilma last year far outweigh any apologies. I called her last night to see how things were shaping up storm-wise. “What storm?” Yes, she is blond.

I’m thinking she should change her major to meteorology.

Boogzy, DON'T DO IT. We don't need Miami hit by a meteorite also!

blurk, can I borrow your shotgun?? not that I'd know what to do with it, but I think they'd step aside for that...no?

Dave, what you need, apart from more beer, is some hurricane music!

The Eye of a Hurricane
-
The keg is full, the TV's on
The air is still, the day is warm
Walter's safely duct-taped down
Here comes a hurricane

I tell you what, it's quite a ride
It's shaped so there's this place inside
Where if you're lucky, you can hide
Safe within the rain

{Refrain}
Who wants to run away
There's no where that you can go
Nowhere the storm won't come again
But you can hide
Hide in the pouring rain
Let's ride the eye of a Hurricane

Tell the truth, explain to me
How you got stuck with low-fat cheese
Dave laughed and said
"With beer you can almost like this stuff"

But once it's gone, Dave confessed
That when you lay that keg to rest
You can get what's second best
But it's hard to get enough

We saw him ride, some storms last year
Grinning wide, with the strength of beer

Hiding now the sky grows dark
The oosik flew down to the park
Rested there as if on a lark
But not the Hurricane

He saw his chance to slip inside
Take Ernesto for a ride
Hauled his sixpack to the eye
And sprinkled Cheese-Its in the rain

{Refrain}
Who wants to run away
There's no where that you can go
Nowhere the storm won't come again
But you can hide
Hide in the pouring rain
Let's ride the eye of a Hurricane

In that case, Siouxie, come on out to Montana. We'll go out and kill whatever we need to eat. Except the cheez-wiz. I never hunted those.

blurk - Cheese-whiz season isn't open yet. It usually opens Labor Day weekend for migrants and in December for resident whizzes.

why does mud make jokes
like "trouser horn"? my dear, it's
alimentary

And way later, cause I had to go to WORK, it's okay, okie dokie. I'm an Okie, too!

Beppie,

I never made it to the store. Any chance I can get beat off...Oh! Never mind. I understand now.

Beppie,

I never made it to the store. Any chance I can get beat off...Oh! Never mind. I understand now.

Gird, Dave. Gird like you've never girded before!

I, for one, would have noticed by now that hurricane season comes at the same time each year. And I'd have my own supply of gasoline for the uber-generator already on hand. As well as urgent supplies: beer, cheetos (non giant variety), and toilet paper.

Then I'd mosey on down to the super market and shop for items that are definately not needed in the event of a hurricane. I'd do this just to get in the way. And I'd make comments on how well supplied I am already, and isn't it a shame that the panicing people don't own a time-keeping device called a CALENDAR.

And I'd probably be beaten to within an inch of my life. But it would be worth it.

Well, if cheez-wiz season isn't open yet we'll just have to go poachin'.
'Course we'll need eggs for that.

How did that happen?

*hides in shame*

It's a deal, blurk...I'll kill for the cheez-whiz...you can kill for the rest!

*takes beer and packs for Montana*

Here in Tampa the rush is on for plywood, bleach, beer, tuna, and batteries. Sam's club has become a battleground.

On the bright side, huge storms afford you the otherwise rare opportunity to use the word "flotsam" in conversation.

Hurricanes are Mother Nature's property redistribution system. What is the proper etiquette here? If some nice lawn furniture comes to rest in your yard, or protruding from the side of your house, do you get to keep it? Do you find yourself hoping for another storm in order to complete a set? Is it illegal to run into a neighbor's yard and untether the grill you've been coveting?

you know, canned goods last for quite a while - so, why need you to rush out now?? sheesh. be prepared. the more prepared you are, the less likely ernesto will come your way. they do mean ernesto the hurricane and not ernesto che guevara, right?? else this could play right into fidel's plans....

Ok everyone, I'm off to the grocery store...wish me luck!

I'll be back later...maybe

get your gird supplies and you head on down the road...
15 miles to the... Gird Shack! Gird Shack yeah
I'm headin' down the miami highway,
lookin' for walter's getaway
Heading for the love getaway, love getaway,
I got some french toast, a pile as big as your host
and we're headin' on down
To the Gird Shack
I got me an oosik, ten inches plus twenty
So hurry up and get in, it's about to get funky!

The Gird Shack is a little old place
where we survive the weather
Gird Shack baby, Gird Shack bay-bee.
Gird baby, that's where it's at,
Ooo beer baby, that's where it's at

Sign says.. Woo... stay away fools,
'cause walter rules at the Gird Shack!
Well it's set way back in the middle of a field,
Just a funky old shack and I gotta get back

beer on the mattress
beer on the highway
beer on the front porch
beer on the hallway

The Gird Shack is a little old place
where we can get together
Gird Shack bay-bee! Gird Shack baby!
Gird Shack, that's where it's at!
Huggin' and a kissin', dancin' and a lovin',
wearin' next to nothing
Cause it's hot as an oven
The whole shack shimmies!
The whole shack shimmies when ernesto's
Movin' around and around and around and around!
Everybody's movin', everybody's groovin' baby!
debris flyin' around outside just blowin' around
Everybody's movin', everybody's groovin' baby
Funky little shack! Funk-y little shack!

i got me a baculum,
it comes from a whale
we don't want to get impaled!
so lets tape it down, i got some tape from a duck
So c'mon before we get whale-bone f**cked!

The Gird Shack is a little old place
where we can got a generator!
Gird Shack baby! Gird Shack bay-bee!
(Gird Shack...Gird Shack...)
Gird Shack, that's where it's at!

Bang bang bang up the plywood!
Knock a little louder baby!
Bang bang bang up the plywood!
I can't hear you
Bang bang on the windows
Bang bang on the door
Bang bang on the door baby
Bang bang
You're what?... Tin roof, rusted!

Gird Shack, baby Gird Shack!
Gird Shack, baby Gird Shack!
beer baby, that's where it's at
Gird Shack, baby Gird Shack!
beer baby, that's where it's at
Huggin' and a kissin',
dancin' and a lovin' at the gird shack

Weather forecast update: If you live in an area threatened by tropical storms, and the like, you NEED one of these so that you don't have to rely on the word of the so-called "experts".

YAY **heads for the Gird Shack*** :)

Punkin Poo: I think it's spelled 'loiness' . . .

{{{judi}}}

I have one of those funny shoe-type things that they give you when you break your toe, or foot.

Want me to FedEX it to you? :)

*is pleased to see that Cbol's pulled off (hee hee) another great post and mudstuffin's "Onderful Rold of Rhym" hasn't left him*

Hurracane Morale Delemma

1) Do you return the 20 yards of gained ocean front property?
1a) Do you return yard furniture?
1a.5) Do you look underneath to see if there's an owners name and address?

(written under kibby's furniture: IF found, please do not feel you need to return it to 27 Cresent Drive, Orlando, because most likely the house is no longer there either.

2) Are you obliged to replant fallen trees and/or graft back branches?
2a) Is it really bad to chain saw your newly aquired patio for fire wood, or should you see about reattaching it to someone's house?

3) There is no #3

4) No #4 either - surf took it away

5) Prior to the next storm should you beef up your rickity "4-dogs-could-collapse-this-thing" patio death trap?
5a) Or wait until it's removed and take the insurance $$s to build the one you REALLY wanted ... with the hot tub, built in grill and big screen tv?

And finally,

6) Do you tell Dave about those "extra" wires coming off his "Generator From Heaven"?
6b) Or scoff at his need to constantly refill the tank while your beer fridge sits just above freezing!?

Make sure you wear your gird cap for protection . . .

nice parodies C-bol and mud. My prayers to all of you in the path of the storm.
And...what's the bleach for?

*sniff*

C-bol, I've missed you so!

*resolves not to tell Dave that she regularly purchases lowfat Cheezits® on purpose*

Oops.

*gets in Lab's way*

Dave, you can "gird" but what ever you do, don't "hunker." That "hunkering" never did anyone any good.

Up here in the middle of the state we're slowly starting to react, in case it misses you guys and does a roundhouse punch on Orlando. Nah, that never happens. ;-)

Hopefully it will turn out to be a big nothing for all of us.

Betsi: Bleach is one of those mysterious, yet necessary, items we are required by law to buy for hurricane preparation. We're afraid to ask why.

Judi-Sorry about your toe! Lots of mojitos should fix that right up. ;-)

Betsi: I believe the bleach has something to do with sterilizing the water.

Bleach is to disinfect the drinking water.

oooh, a simo with the same answer ... ooooo

:-) thanks.

Safe keepin' to all our Floridian bloglits. Here in PA we're enjoyin' the last few weeks before the snow flies. (We also get the hurricanes that come up the coast).

the bleach isn't to change the whole wheat bread into white bread...?

Specifically, it's for disinfecting the water that you've stored in your bathtub.

If you use that up, and start considering whether the toilet water can be disinfected, the bleach is no longer going to do you that much good, and you should use your can opener to drain the water out of your tunafish.

If you've foolishly purchased tuna in oil, then it's your own fault that you have to drink the toilet water.

Actually, one of the funnest(?)parts of a hurricane I think, is getting to throw your lawn furniture into the pool. It's like a little, mini frat party right before the storm.

LisaBFF, how you dare you tell someone not to hunker!! I'll have you know that hunkerin' has saved countless lives. Dave, turn that generator on and start hunkerin'.

*sticks tongue out at Lisa*

blurkie? *blink, blink*

Dave Call the FEMA hotline now. That way by the time you need the emergency funds you might be close to speaking with a live person (and I use the word person loosely)

*girds*

*hunkers*

Ah . . . you have to love living in Florida this time of year.

Here in the Florida Keys it is getting bad. There is plenty of gas, batteries and water to be found, but the beer is going very fast. If your beer of choice is sold out, people are resorting to drinking beer they would NEVER drink under normal conditions.

silly people, everyone knows that red wine goes with hurricanes. no refrigeration needed.

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