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August 23, 2006


What exactly is a Ram Groper, besides, of course, a good name for a rock band?

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)


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"secretly rate them"


I HAVE a ram AND a groper.

But I'm not sure that's what they're talking about.

"a group of experienced judges"

Hey, it DOES get cold there. Let's not judge.

I typed into BabelFish, but all I got back was:

Bork Bork Bork

Hmmm ... maybe I had it set to English to Swedish....

I don't know what it is, but right off the bat, I'd sign up for ram groping over bull groping.

Lookit them Ram Gropers
How do they settle
Pickin' out a Ram, and testin' its mettle
Well, gropin' that Ram, it ain't that tricky
Just reach on down, and grope on it's d****

rate them for excellence in what?

Betsi and I are really confused. but that's ok with us.

Jamester, I don't think that's an authentic Mason Williams.

hey, i'm happy to be in the dark on this subject!

.....er..a friend of mine claims to have been groped by a ram after passing out on his stomach in an Icelandic jail.

I gotta admit, though, that this sounds less disgusting than preg-testing cows. And probably less dangerous. Right blurk?

Oh, Pogo, I can promise you that it's not...of the bunch of us, maybe only insom or slowlayne could begin to do Mason justice.
Props for recognizing the style...

Who ends up in the soup afterwards--the ram, the judge or the groper?

I can't find anything on rams, but here's one on ewes:

Them Ewe Doers
How about them Ewe Doers, Ain't they news?
Down in the pasture a doin' them Ewes.
Doin' them big sheeps, doin' them little
Doin' them lambs, hi-diddle-diddle!
Look at them Ewe Doers, Ain't they creeps?
High boots on, chasin' them sheeps.
Them hooky dooky Ewe Doers, stompin' through the weeds,
movin' them Ewies, fillin' they needs.
How to be a Ewe Doer? Ain't much to it;
Meet a sweet sheep, Then you do it!
- Mason Williams

Definitely much less dangerous that preg checkin', Wyo. Which is not as dangerous as fertility testing bulls.

(if you ain't a cowboy, you won't understand)

Blurk, I don't qualify as a cowboy - never needed to learn to rope, but believe me, I understand.

For those of you who don't know what we're talkin' about, let me elaborate.
Preg checkin' cows involves puttin' on a plastic glove that goes up to your shoulder, shovin' your arm up a cow's butt, finding her uterus and feeling if there's a calf in there. Fun job.

Fertility testing bulls involves taking a probe which measures about a foot and a half long and about four inches in diameter and shovin' it up his behind. An electrical current is then applied to the probe which...stimulates the bull until he provides a specimen. A vet then checks the sp3rm count. Even more fun job.

This is why I build cabinets for a livin'. Not to mention that it pays a lot better than cowboyin'.

When I cut off my thumb a couple years ago, everybody thought it was a ropin' accident. All the old cowboys treat me like one o' them, now, and buy me a beer.

Why'd everybody run away? Just providin' a little lesson on the joys of bein' a cowboy.

"Icelandic Meat Soup" WBAGNFARB, too, wouldn't it?

Wyo, that sounds like a classic ropin' accident. I've seen more that a few cowboys missin' a thumb because that dally just wasn't quite quick enough.

I hate to bust up a truly hysterical topic, but I think "gropers" is a typo. :( Once I read the article, I realized that the contest probably is about ram "grouping".

Probably, gawdess, but I like our version better...

Blurk - are you sure it's the "butt" of the cow - I always there there was a second, more accurate entrance - not having done it though, I bow to your expertise. *just glad she's never had to be "preg-checked"

perhaps gropers could provide some sort of function at the testyfest here in Missoula

I'm pretty sure they meant "Gam Roper"

Gypsy, blurk was describin'fertility testin a bull. In preg testing a cow, you use the entrance you're thinkin of. waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy in there to, and you can only use a certain arm, cause of the natural curve of the innards. sissy vets use long plastic gloves. Experienced cowboys use...


"Preg checkin' cows involves puttin' on a plastic glove that goes up to your shoulder, shovin' your arm up a cow's butt, finding her uterus and feeling if there's a calf in there."

Thanks Wyo - I was a bit worried. I'm thinkin' perhaps Blurk's cows are a mite pissed off though.

I had a vet come out and check on a horse that way one time.

My primary thought was that we were not paying her anywhere near enough.

(The vet, that is. The horse was an enslaved equine-American.)

Thanks for clearing that up Clean - I was wondering how the horse took her salary - in carrots or sugar cubes

Betsi, I would NOT want to be in the dark with a ram groper.

Just sayin'...

CH, I just *knew* a crack like that was coming.

I'm not even sure I'd want to be in the dark with a ram grouper.

Glad I can be depended upon to make the predictable cracks.

Wait, that didn't come out sounding right...


Then there's the prolapse...

of which Baxter Black wrote a particularly brilliant poem. Prolapse From the Black Lagoon which ends with the line, "But I think it ate my hat."

*shudders at the idea of prolapse*

*remembers that it's not an issue with a C-section*


Um...'meat soup'?! That's a little, er, *vague*, isn't it? (shudder)

Prolapse: here's a sterile version

on cows, they sometimes come clear outside the body, and have to be stuffed back into place.


That's where the umbilical cord comes out ahead of the baby (or calf, in this case). If uncorrected, this typically causes a loss of oxygen supply to the infant, and frequently results in serious brain injury or death.

My third daughter had a partial prolapse, leading to an emergency C-section. It was detected early enough that she suffered no harm from it.

CH, when this happens with cows, it can pull all 'er innard parts outside.

I think we gotta git back on topic.

Wyo's definition is more general, and much more applicable to this context.

Just that the term "prolapse" gives me the shakes right now.

Agreed, Wyo.

Mutton's good eatin', so long as it's been stewed adequately. :-)

... an' was properly groped.

(I don't think they're comin' back, CH)

CH I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

No, that's not the concern at this time. Instead, we're dealing with pre-eclampsia (again), which can go south pretty quickly.

It's been a nerve-wracking day.

Going home, but will have to refrain from the Scottish therapy, in case I have to drive to the hospital again tonight.


yep i'm headed out too. hope everything goes well!

Thanks -- see you later.

Best wishes and prayers, CH. I'll have an extra pull for ya.

All concerned: When preg checkin' a cow you do indeed stick your arm up said butt. Not the female parts. You reach the uterus from the top. I've only done this about 10,000 times.

Prayers and good thoughts for you Clean.

Oh, and the term discussed earlier is called a
vagi!nal prolapse. And the cow's innards do indeed
appear on the outside. After that, she gets sent
to the sell ring. She can't have anymore calves.

CH, I hope everything turns out great. I'll be puttin' out best wishes.

BTW, Wyo, I didn't mean to imply you're wrong. I just learned to preg check from the butt. Your hand goes right on top of the uterus and if you get real good you can even tell approximately how old the calf is. I'd be interested in learning the other way.

(again, if you ain't a cowboy you won't understand)

*pops a sympathetic brewski for Clean*

Ram Groper anagrams to Rag Romper
and Reprogram.

Carry on.

Whats wrong with a little goat groping? we were all teenagers once and they are just so cute, oh wait RAM groper. Well thats just wrong...and stupid.

Jamester, I don't think that's an authentic Mason Williams.
Would you believe...Anson Williams?

Hah! I swear, I saw the words "Ram Groper" and I immediately thought, "Iceland?"


Or Mason Reese?

*borrowing El's zipper and zipping in*

Hey all...greeting from Sarasota! just wanted to let CH know that my thoughts and prayers are with him and Mrs. Hands and their baby!

oh and btw...from reading up a bit...I'm SO glad I missed the whole cow gynecological examination thing too! blurk...Wyo...all I can say is:


Bestiality, what next? Boy you leave the blog for a few months and the whole place goes all to heck . . .

pssst, Siouxie, didja get clearance on the zip? I'm afraid to do that! ;)

Hey kids! Meat Soup's ready! For dessert we'll have lamb sherbet with ice chips!

MKJ - *snork*

Please be all done with the prenatal veterinary lesson. All done now.

Why be worried about being in the dark with a Ram Groper? I'm not a Ram!

As for the arm up the cow: I am glad they don't check humans the same way...
*thinks of having a gyno up to the shoulder joint* OUCH!!!!

In animal husbandry, the various shows have judges that not only look at the animals (in the livestock judging and evaluation) but "paw them all over" to judge their body (this is the same thing that is seen at dog shows where the judge touches all parts of the dog, including the testicles.) This is the "groping" part.

I have learned so many things this morning that I wish I didn't know about....

time to log off!

does Pee Wee herman know about this contest?

Dr. D, if there is one thing this blog knows about, it's groping

Preg checkin' cows involves puttin' on a plastic glove that goes up to your shoulder, shovin' your arm up a cow's butt, finding her uterus and feeling if there's a calf in there. Fun job.

yep, that's pretty much what we women folk are treated to during labor.

Thanks very much, all, for your good thoughts - they sent Mrs. Hands home last night, and she's snoring comfortably now. :-)

When I disappear for a piece, though, y'all will know that it's not because I stopped loving you, but because I've got RL stuff going on.

Thanks again.

Clean - good to hear - I'm sending positive thoughts

Original ram groper . . .

Dam, Blurk, they don't have cow ultra sounds by now? *Happy today that I am not a dairy farmer*

Actually Beppie, we do ultrasound the cattle...just not for the reason you think. Ours are beef cattle, not dairy. We ultrasound them to find the size of the ribeye and the amount of intramuscular fat (IMF). This helps us determine if we need to change the amount or type of feed they are getting so we can insure the best beef. Think of the difference between a choice cut of beef versus a prime cut of beef.
Okay, I promise, cowboy lesson over.

I don't know, Blurk, it's kinda sexy when you talk tecnical cowboy stuff...

technical - have mercy on an illiterate midwestern girl.

I love it so I could talk about it all day. Everyone would be bored to tears.

afraid we'll find out there's a more beneath the testosterone laden exterior?


Whut? I'm just a testosterone laden, dumb ol' cowboy.

*snork* - there are distinct benefits there as well


Would you puh-leeze stop with the biology stuff?

I luv ya, but I think your (very) educational posts (for someone who would read them, not this city girl!) would be of much more interest on a 4-H Club web site!
*cute smile*

*zips back in*

Whoops, I just noticed that blurk's last post was 5 hours ago.

never mind.

*zips out*

El, I SAID, "I promise, lesson over".
We need to get you out to a ranch.

*evil grin™*

You know I luv ya, too.

Well, I have a horse, and I could talk about Adventures with Livestock all day, 'cause I think it's interesting.

But, because this blog has already OD'd on animal OB/GYN stuff, I will not tell you that it helps a great deal if the animal in question is drugged out of its mind. Oops.



nope it's groping alright
there is even a picture

As slang, grammatical usage of the word teh is somewhat fluid. Besides being an alternate spelling of the, teh also has grammatical properties not generally applied to the; in general, it is used somewhat like an intensified "the". The spelling derived from a typographical mistake seen as the symptom of excitement, much the same as the interjection of the numeral one between bangs.massive juggs In English, "the" can be used as an intensifier for the superlative form of adjectives; compare "that is best" and "that is the best." Teh has a similar use as an intensifier f
or unmodified adjectives, generally marking a sarcastic tone. For example, "that is teh lame" translates as "that is the lamest." This is similar to the use of the definite article lo in Spanish. For example, "Soy lo mejor" (I am the best) and "I am teh good". This contrasts with the use of the in English to construct mass nouns (substantives) from adjectives,

hello world!



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